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  • Wife having to pay spousal support

    I am a hardworking wife -- babysat to make ends during mat LOA, found other work during an extended strike, took a second part time job during our first 1 year separation, and now have 20+ years of employment without a break and a good pension. My husband has been out of work 6 times, didn't bother applying for EI one time when he was off work 9 months, and has not been dedicated to job search in the most recent job loss situation.
    I am now in the unenviable position of having to pay him spousal support plus give up half my pension --which seems unfair given all the sacrifices I have made. How is this fair given my husband has not taken any advice about keeping his skills upgraded and applied on the job, nor has he wholeheartedly looked for work during some of the times of unemployment? Do I have any hope of making a lump sum payment to keep him away from my pension?

  • #2
    Unfair? LMFAO

    Sucks don't it?

    Methinks you're preaching to the wrong crowd here...

    Gary

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    • #3
      Got it...but does anyone know about the last question -- whether a lump sum up front has worked for anyone?

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      • #4
        yes you may do anything you like as long as you both agree, you would certainly want the lump sum noted as a one time lump sum payment towards spousal support, see a lwayer once you both agree to have finalized. Keep in mind there is always a risk of him coming back for more although it would be difficult if your agreement is done properly.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Gary M View Post
          Unfair? LMFAO

          Sucks don't it?

          Methinks you're preaching to the wrong crowd here...

          Gary
          Yeah, there are a lot of guys with bitter chips on their shoulders. I mean, a few of them have even changed a diaper or two in their lives, and they didn't even get an award for it or anything!!

          Remember, these courageous men can teach us nasty, selfish women something about working, sacrificing, etc, and not getting paid properly (never mind respected or appreciated).

          Yeah, no sense preaching to the whiny and victimized here.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by hardworking_wife View Post
            Got it...but does anyone know about the last question -- whether a lump sum up front has worked for anyone?
            Yes it has worked. I signed off on a "lump sum" payment in exchange for other things ... My ex had accumlated an $80,000 union pension during the years we were together. At time of separation, I used that as a bargaining chip. We had only approx. $45,000 equity in our home and approx. $18,000 in Credit Card/Consumer debt.

            I could manage the mortgage, utililites & upkeep of the home on my own and wanted to stay in it as I was going to be primary caregiver of our kids, but I certainly didn't have any cash lying around to "buy him out" .... so I signed off on his pension and in return got to keep the matromonial home & the CC debt was his responsibility.

            I would suggest before doing ANYTHING you consult a laywer (I know, I know, more $$$ spend but if you have a good pension then you'll want to know where you stand and your rights and have everything on the up and up.

            That said ... like a previous poster said ... pretty much $ucks to be you right now. You chose to stay with a person who you now have disdain for because of his career choices/work ethic (or lack thereof) ... and therefore you, as the primary earner are responsible.

            It's no different, IMO, than the argument that MANY women use when they "stay home" for 10+ years to "raise the kids" and then expect CS and spousal support if/when their marriage falls apart.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by JustChillin View Post
              Yeah, there are a lot of guys with bitter chips on their shoulders. I mean, a few of them have even changed a diaper or two in their lives, and they didn't even get an award for it or anything!!

              Remember, these courageous men can teach us nasty, selfish women something about working, sacrificing, etc, and not getting paid properly (never mind respected or appreciated).

              Yeah, no sense preaching to the whiny and victimized here.
              You're a real expert aren't you?

              14 posts in and you're jumping down people's throats laying on the stereotypical crap about Mom's and Dad's, women and men blah blah blah.

              You wanna spew out a bunch of shit about how some of us have changed a diaper or two?

              That's fine, go right ahead but before you continue, how about sifting through the over 6,000 posts by me, Mess and NBDad to name just three? And after you have spent a few weeks doing that, keep it up. It's a good look for you.

              And before you continue on about men being bitter, take a look at how some of us have managed. Did you know that it isn't just men who can be clowns? It's people.

              Silly wabbit, tricks are for kids.
              Last edited by dadtotheend; 03-30-2011, 09:32 PM.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by hardworking_wife View Post
                I am a hardworking wife -- babysat to make ends during mat LOA, found other work during an extended strike, took a second part time job during our first 1 year separation, and now have 20+ years of employment without a break and a good pension. My husband has been out of work 6 times, didn't bother applying for EI one time when he was off work 9 months, and has not been dedicated to job search in the most recent job loss situation.
                I am now in the unenviable position of having to pay him spousal support plus give up half my pension --which seems unfair given all the sacrifices I have made. How is this fair given my husband has not taken any advice about keeping his skills upgraded and applied on the job, nor has he wholeheartedly looked for work during some of the times of unemployment? Do I have any hope of making a lump sum payment to keep him away from my pension?
                Sorry but hey, men have been taken to the cleaners for decades and still are. Now when the law is finally being applied equally. Now there is a problem? Some woman are are real piece of work. Only want this equal rights thing when it works in their favor...good luck but not sure what you can do?

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by JustChillin View Post
                  Yeah, there are a lot of guys with bitter chips on their shoulders. I mean, a few of them have even changed a diaper or two in their lives, and they didn't even get an award for it or anything!!

                  Remember, these courageous men can teach us nasty, selfish women something about working, sacrificing, etc, and not getting paid properly (never mind respected or appreciated).

                  Yeah, no sense preaching to the whiny and victimized here.
                  Lmao..hey I.think woman's worst fear has been realized, and the cats out of the bag. Raising children is not as hard as we were told it was. I.think that ts really been a whine and cheese party all these years. In fact I can tell you that i had to.change well over three thousand diapers worked full time...up all night with feeding. Educated fed and took my children for walks and play time. I would have loved to be a "stay at home" dad,what a wonder gig woman have had all to themselves all of these decades and thank you for being so whinny about it. We needed to see just how tough it it is to be a stay at home parent instead of slugging it all day at work lol. Yeah, I can really see how woman have had it soooo bad all of these years....not!

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                  • #10
                    Don't get me started on this issue of equality because there is no equality...

                    I don't want to hijack your thread with my own whining so here is my advice. Try to negotiate even if you have to give up a lot; otherwise you will end up losing everything to the lawyers. Make sure you have rock solid, fool proof separation agreement endorsed by the court. Any loopholes will come back and bite you in the butt; it has happened to me and to a lot of people like me.

                    Family court is not fair to anyone and especially to those to work very hard for everything they cherish - men or woman.

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                    • #11
                      I am sorry to tell you that, its not easy.
                      I am a male and I am in the same situation as you are, unfortunately only the courts can make him go get a job if he doesn't have any disabilities .
                      My X is pulled the same stunt (now living full time with her Boyfriend for more the 3 years ) started working less hours).
                      and claiming she can't work cause she is sick WITH NO PROVE FROM ANY DR.
                      Kids live with me and , I am ordered by the court to continue paying her spousal and child support (even dough the kids live with me ) until a new court oder is made /\.
                      This has been going on for over 2 years
                      Trial is May
                      I will let you what is the outcoming is
                      I have prove for every stunt she has pulled against her , don't know how judges will react
                      will c
                      have a good day
                      good luck
                      Ps be very carefull with Lawyers , they just like to drag things longer in court (specially with case conferences they will dry you up

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                      • #12
                        you right , BUt i will spend every cent i have to prove her wrong adn i have solid prove of her lies
                        Lawyers hahahaha what F..........................JOKE i fired mine , and I was able so far to do the same job a she did or better .
                        Everytime you prepare the case and go to court its cost us about $5.000 and them the lawyer asks you in the court room what to say
                        There free help out there at the court house to ask question about your case
                        go for it if you can
                        Good luck

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                        • #13
                          1. Don't do a lump sum cash payout. You can't use it as a tax credit if you do.

                          2. Do only lump sum if you are signing off on something else in exchange. (like one poster mentioned signing off on the pension in exchange for the equity in the mat home)

                          And yeah, in answer to the smart assed comment about some of us "men" having changed a diaper or two, I totally agree with DTTE, it's not whiny men, its PEOPLE.

                          It sucks, but I'm glad that it appears the law is being applied equally here. It's a refreshing and encouraging sign. (I know the OP doesn't see it that way, and she has my sympathies for having to offer spousal support to the lump on the couch,but honey, YOU put up with it this long and established things...choices/consequences/etc.)

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by NBDad View Post
                            ..
                            It sucks, but I'm glad that it appears the law is being applied equally here. It's a refreshing and encouraging sign. (I know the OP doesn't see it that way, and she has my sympathies for having to offer spousal support to the lump on the couch,but honey, YOU put up with it this long and established things...choices/consequences/etc.)
                            Yes but wouldn't it be better if the law in this case said that he was NOT entitled to SS?

                            It is clear to me that he isn't, nor would he if the genders were reversed.

                            It boggles my mind that support continues AFTER the marriage is over in this case where the marriage was a financial BENEFIT to him.

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                            • #15
                              Agree with Billm - spousal support is supposed to compensate in the case of one of the partners career taking a backseat to raise the children. This certainly needs to be recognized whether it's the man or the woman taking on the role of stay-at-home. There are serious financial/career consequences that affect that same persons and allow the other working partner to advance their career. This makes sense to me.

                              The problem is that judges seem to know be "equalizing" incomes post-separation regardless of family roles during the marriage. It is pathetic that anyone who could work, didn't want to work AND didn't look after the kids and the home would then go after spousal support.

                              However, being a woman who has to pay ss, I just tell myself that it's cheaper than continuing to drain the family money pot by over-spending and not contributing....At least there is a maximum impact now. So glad for divorce!

                              Comment

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