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  • #31
    Originally posted by tunnelight View Post
    As I understand it, the issues between the children and their father is a recent development.


    Nope. The issues have always been present. He just refuses to acknowledge his part in it. Or do anything About them. The issues have increased since dad got gf with her three kids. Because at least before they had dad all to themselves. Even if he was doing nothing with them. He was with them. Now he has them but isn’t even around much on his time.

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    • #32
      The judge has already opined adjustments must be made to access and OCL recommended access to be increased. There has been a material change in circumstances justifying a change in his time with the kids. I also believe you indicated the original order was made 6 years ago.

      With respect to custody, he would have to prove at trial you are turning the kids against him to switch custody. For joint custody, he has to prove your not involving him in the decisions and failing to inform him of decisions.

      joint custody with final say to you is basically like sole custody to you. put it in your offer to settle. if he agrees, great, done deal. if not, and if he loses at trial, you can slam him with costs.

      He's only asking for EOW and I'm still not understanding what the disagreement is. Is it just pick up and drop off times? It's best you guys reach an agreement then have a judge order something neither of you will be happy with.

      What is the big issue with summer? he wants week about ? what does he have now?

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      • #33
        Originally posted by tunnelight View Post
        The judge has already opined adjustments must be made to access and OCL recommended access to be increased. There has been a material change in circumstances justifying a change in his time with the kids. I also believe you indicated the original order was made 6 years ago.



        With respect to custody, he would have to prove at trial you are turning the kids against him to switch custody. For joint custody, he has to prove your not involving him in the decisions and failing to inform him of decisions.



        joint custody with final say to you is basically like sole custody to you. put it in your offer to settle. if he agrees, great, done deal. if not, and if he loses at trial, you can slam him with costs.



        He's only asking for EOW and I'm still not understanding what the disagreement is. Is it just pick up and drop off times? It's best you guys reach an agreement then have a judge order something neither of you will be happy with.



        What is the big issue with summer? he wants week about ? what does he have now?


        For pickup Time it’s always been 7 pm. I offered 6pm. He wants 4/30 pm. So I said ok if you want that early YOU get them from school bus or school. Nope he wants me to provide daycare for 40 mins so he can finish’s work. Daycare which he does not pay for. Grandma gets them from the bus and he refuses to get them from her house. So how will 4:30 work? I don’t get home until 5:15. Where is the compromise ?

        The judge said some tiny tweaks COULD be made. Not must be made. And I highly doubt the judge read the whole 40 page report. I’m sure like the lawyers they go right to recommendations.

        He wants every pd day (to leave kids with his gf vs their grandmother). Wants half Christmas break. Again he works. Asked that I never get family day. If it’s his weekend he keep them. If it’s my weekend he gets them Sunday till Monday. Lol.

        He has only had 1 week in summer. And up until 2018 he hardly took that. And prior to last year he never took half of March break either.

        The kids have always gone to summer camp and their grandmas for a week. Two weeks with me. So two weeks with dad is fine. He works all summer. His gf does not. So he feels if she can watch the kids he shouldn’t have to pay for half of camp. Judge flat out said no way.


        If our kids have a bday party on his time. Or something special for an event. He will take them but only if he is given make up time??

        There are many more silly things he added for his order request.

        I mean I guess your right. I could offer joint with final decision to me. He would not go with it.

        He said joint and if we can’t agree decision goes to mediation or a parental coordinator. This is a man who wants to pay 0$ in arrears. He owes over $4k. Now. Yet he wants to pay for mediator or parent coordinator?


        Don’t most lawyers say continue to pay until a decision is reached in court? He has paid nothing that is in our agreement since last October.

        He was ordered to provide a bunch of disclosure because he was caught lying on his financials. Said he provided most recent pay stubs and I pointed out they were 6 months old and short hours. Jan 04/19 pay stub with 29 hours on it. Lol. Yet it showed he has vacation money accrued at the start of new year ( two weeks worth) that should have been part of 2018 income he just didn’t take. He was told he will get income imputes if he is messing around with his income.

        Also wants a clause that says no party can go back to court to change access or custody without mediation first.

        I can guarantee when my son is older and if dad still treats him like this. He will refuse to go.

        Just this past weekend he stood up for his brother after he was yelled at for no reason an said see daddy.... This is why we don’t want to come to your house when your rude to us like this. And dad doesn’t say sorry. He says ok go cry to your mother because she tells you to tell her everything ??? Like who says that to their child. Yes the kids tend to tell me these things because it upsets them. Sometimes they don’t say anything and then it comes out a few days later.

        You sound like an involved dad. I wish my kids had a dad like that. They would be so much better off.



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        • #34
          Mom 2 two, stop defending yourself.

          Tunnellight, there is a history to this that you are missing. The judge did not say what you are saying and neither did ocl. Stop looking for things that weren’t there. You are not this dad and your situation is not this situation.

          There is no material change other than he wants to stop paying for section 7 and reduce cs.

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          • #35
            does the school have after care?

            you can offer him 3 options for access.
            430 PM from daycare , which is grandma.
            5.15 PM, which is your home,
            or straight from school.

            offer him one more extra week than what the OCL is offering for summer

            offer holidays 50.50... alternating them based on odd even years. if a parent misses a weekend they get a makeup weekend.

            then sit back and watch him get smoked.

            IF it goes to trial, you have to be careful to not say the wrong thing to his lawyer to give any indication you may be inadvertently influencing the children.

            Out of curiosity, how do you generally respond when the children come to you with these concerns ?
            Last edited by tunnelight; 06-19-2019, 05:57 PM.

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            • #36
              Originally posted by tunnelight View Post
              does the school have after care?

              you can offer him 3 options for access.
              430 PM from daycare , which is grandma.
              5.15 PM, which is your home,
              or straight from school.

              offer him one more extra week than what the OCL is offering for summer

              offer holidays 50.50... alternating them based on odd even years. if a parent misses a weekend they get a makeup weekend.

              then sit back and watch him get smoked.

              IF it goes to trial, you have to be careful to not say the wrong thing to his lawyer to give any indication you may be inadvertently influencing the children.

              Out of curiosity, how do you generally respond when the children come to you with these concerns ?


              Rockscan is right... I feel like I need to defend myself and I shouldn’t. I know my kids story. I know what they go through. It’s heartbreaking. Then to have to offer more time when three professionals now say ya... dad isn’t supporting the kids emotionally when in his presence.

              When kids come home complaining I try to validate their feelings. “ that must be hard, did you tell your dad how you felt?, I am sorry you had to go through that, maybe next time you can tell your dad how it makes you feel when these things happen.” I also understand that sometimes it sounds worse then what it was.. then I try to point out any positives or put a positive spin on something if I can.

              I don’t influence the kids. The kids have been let down enough times that they have drawn their own conclusions about their dad.

              If anything I try to make dad out to be better than he is. Which I shouldn’t have to do.

              As for Holliday’s. We already had a schedule in place that worked just fine again until he got a gf. Kids shouldn’t have to change their traditions and schedule because of that. Although I did offer more time at Holliday’s.

              I get what your saying though. Offer better than ocl. And let him go to trial except offering him more isn’t going to help our kids if dad doesn’t get any help. It’s going to cause them more pain and more angst.


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              • #37
                I don't see this as you getting defensive. Not even close. You're opening up and being honest about the situation. Honesty goes a long way with the judges.

                If you refused to answer such simple questions and just said NO MATERIAL CHANGE, (and I'm going to assume you didn't copy and paste that speech dialogue to your kids above) and that he just doesn't want to pay section 7 expenses, meanwhile these issues are going on, then I gauraantee you a judge would draw negative interference.

                Think about it. No judge. Everything is fine. The children are fine. Just fine. The only issue here is money. I want money.

                Sounds like also you're trying to look out for their long term. Which again reinforces that you really want to work out the issues between dad and children.

                Compromise as much as possible to get the settlement and move on with your life.
                Last edited by tunnelight; 06-19-2019, 06:43 PM.

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                • #38
                  Thanks tunnlelight. It’s been very hard. I asked for all of us to attend therapy before all this started. Dad and gf. My partner and I. Then the therapists would try to work with us all and get us on the same page. While also trying to address the issues with our kids. It as usual went ignored. I sent phone numbers and web sites pleading for dad to just call and ask questions. Ignored.

                  Remember dad put straight in his brief... he does not wish to be ordered to do any therapy.

                  I have done two parenting classes myself. One that involved the kids. To learn how to better support my kids and try to get them to cope with what’s going on at dads. It’s been very helpful and eye opening even helping with my own parenting style and acknowledging that I to had some things that I could learn.


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                  • #39
                    Have you thought about slowly reaching out to the stepmom to deal with her instead over some issues? Sometimes the ex’s new partner (as long as they have some serious time together, not like a 6 month old relationship) can be your savior and voice of reason. If it’s A longer relationship they are usually aware of their partners flaws- which sounds like is the case here.

                    I find I can reason with my ex’s fiancé a lot better than I can with him. And because she’s the one he shares a pillow with, she is usually able to put a sweeter spin on my opinion/argument and convince him that he may be in the wrong.

                    Your ex’s wife has kids from a previous relationship. She knows how this works. Perhaps if you talk to her about some minor issues (start with the Friday pick up time maybe?) and ask her for her input and suggestions on how to make the 4:30 time work, she will see you being reasonable and convince your ex of such. Then you can slowly work up to other larger issues like getting him into therapy with the kids.

                    Not the most ideal situation I know, but it might work?

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                    • #40
                      The gf seems to be causing a lot of the problems. Responds to his messages, insists on her kids getting precedence over his, punishing his kids when they’ve done nothing wrong etc.

                      She’s also accused M2T of behaviours at activities and insinuated herself in discussions. Said nasty things to the kids like I dont want you in my van etc.

                      Its one thing when you have a nee partner who stays out of it and tries to help and someone else who feels they know what is best and takes over.

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                      • #41
                        Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                        Have you thought about slowly reaching out to the stepmom to deal with her instead over some issues? Sometimes the ex’s new partner (as long as they have some serious time together, not like a 6 month old relationship) can be your savior and voice of reason. If it’s A longer relationship they are usually aware of their partners flaws- which sounds like is the case here.



                        I find I can reason with my ex’s fiancé a lot better than I can with him. And because she’s the one he shares a pillow with, she is usually able to put a sweeter spin on my opinion/argument and convince him that he may be in the wrong.



                        Your ex’s wife has kids from a previous relationship. She knows how this works. Perhaps if you talk to her about some minor issues (start with the Friday pick up time maybe?) and ask her for her input and suggestions on how to make the 4:30 time work, she will see you being reasonable and convince your ex of such. Then you can slowly work up to other larger issues like getting him into therapy with the kids.



                        Not the most ideal situation I know, but it might work?


                        This is a great suggestion. And I did reach out to her many times in the past. I think that only enabled her to get more involved and take over. Therefore cutting dad out completely. You would think she understand. And I think she does. However. She is well compensated from her ex husband. (Remember court files are pubic information and I took it upon myself to read her separation agreement) twice the amount of child support she get than what my ex pays. And several Sect7 things he pays her 70% for. So I agree you would think she would be empathetic. But we are beyond that. The less money my ex pays me the more that stays in her household. Also keep in mind she chooses to work part time. OCL report found she was triangulating herself into the parental role and was recommended she step way back as she is a contributor to the conflict. Ex admits she is the one corresponding. Yes they say it’s his thoughts and decisions. But I don’t agree. I think she is biting in his ear and influencing him.

                        I did have a run in with her not too long ago. And she played the victim. Was visibly upset she is getting some blame. Claims she doesn’t even know what is written in courts docs and that there are other forces at work telling my ex what to do. lol. He has no other family except a mom who barely speaks English. Really she shouldn’t have started with me an it was in front of my son whom I had to ask to go sit away from us.


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