I'm in a bit of a dilemma, triggered by money (aren't they all?) but probably linked in to everything, really. So I'm hoping for some advice before I blunder ahead and maybe make a critical mistake.
My ex and I are doing our best to be cooperative. Well, I try really hard to set aside my emotions and deal with him for the sake of our children, and I believe I'm going well above and beyond what any normal person would be expected to do. But maybe it only seems like that from within the situation. As for my ex, who knows what he's thinking; I have given up trying to fathom his logic ever since he tried to convince me it should be perfectly acceptable for him to lie to me and have two women in his life.
Anyways, since our separation, I have continued to live in our home and so do our children. I have the greater income, and was the one who could afford to do it. However, I do not pay him any spousal support, as he had a pride thing going on, and we both recognized that I would not be able to keep the house for the kids otherwise. Our main focus has been very strongly on the children, something I learned early on from this forum.
Our separation agreement has been agonizingly slow to finalize. It's been a year and a half, going from mediator to lawyer to lawyer, just tinkering with legal wording. Which is funny, because we're both treating it as a backup plan, and cooperating above and beyond what it dictates. But as a result, he is still on title for the house and still has a key, and he still owns the family car I drive now, as he was the one to buy his own, so he has a key to that too. I can't put any of these in my name alone until the agreement is signed. I thought it would go much much faster and I'd be divorced long before now, but lawyers, and my ex's ostrich behaviour and "forgetfulness" have been a serious impediment.
As he is unable to afford a good place, he comes to our home to see the kids and look after them and do dad things, on a regular basis. Honestly, they see him just about as much as they did when we were married and he lived here, and we both think that stability is important. As he hasn't bought a carseat for his own car, he borrows the other car when he takes them places.
Based on his low income, I did not expect him to pay child support, as for the past ten years, he hasn't reached the threshold. I figured as long as he kept doing the same job as he did when we were married, I wouldn't pester, or impute him an income or anything, as I didn't really need the money. Well, money is always nice, but honestly, our standard of living is improved without him and his frivolous spending. Anyways.
Although by guideline, he wasn't required to pay child support last year, he did contribute, doing fun things with the kids, putting gas in the car, for example, bringing groceries home, buying them toys and clothes, and he's still paying all the insurance. I wasn't going to switch that until the agreement is signed; I thought it would be encouragement to hurry, but I guess it isn't.
I feel as though this situation isn't totally tenable going forward, as, for example, it really keeps me stuck at home as I have all the overnights. But I don't feel I can rock the boat by trying to change any aspect of it, at least not until the separation agreement is signed. But so far, the kids seem to be coping beautifully with the idea of him not living with us, they still see him often, we still do some things as a foursome (heartbreaking as it is for me) and gradually easing forward seems to be the best plan.
So here's my first question: do you think we're giving the kids mixed messages about our breakup? Are we showing them that two adults can still cooperate and love them, or are we just not making it clear that we've broken up? The kids are very young (3 and 6) so the most difficult questions haven't come yet and won't for a while, probably.
And the second issue, the financial one. He never changed his address with CRA, and his NoA came to the house. I always set aside his lingering mail for him. He opened it, and forgot it here, so I peeked. Don't get mad; I'd helped him file and knew more or less what to expect. And he's supposed to show me anyways. But this past year, to my surprise, for the first time in a decade, he has actually made enough of an income to technically owe a small amount of child support. So my question is, should I push him to pay it as per the separation agreement we have yet to sign off on, should I wait until after it is signed, should I ignore it and just let him keep buying groceries now and then? I would be happy to let him keep his income, as I don't need it, and frankly on paper he appears to need every penny, and some day I hope he'll have a home he can bring the kids to and I won't have to see him so much, but I wonder what's really going on, because he's still spending on frivolities. I see all kinds of stuff here about people evading CS, and I don't want to encourage that either. If I don't suggest he pay CS now, am I setting a bad precedent for later on down the road, if he should maybe make even more money?
My ex and I are doing our best to be cooperative. Well, I try really hard to set aside my emotions and deal with him for the sake of our children, and I believe I'm going well above and beyond what any normal person would be expected to do. But maybe it only seems like that from within the situation. As for my ex, who knows what he's thinking; I have given up trying to fathom his logic ever since he tried to convince me it should be perfectly acceptable for him to lie to me and have two women in his life.
Anyways, since our separation, I have continued to live in our home and so do our children. I have the greater income, and was the one who could afford to do it. However, I do not pay him any spousal support, as he had a pride thing going on, and we both recognized that I would not be able to keep the house for the kids otherwise. Our main focus has been very strongly on the children, something I learned early on from this forum.
Our separation agreement has been agonizingly slow to finalize. It's been a year and a half, going from mediator to lawyer to lawyer, just tinkering with legal wording. Which is funny, because we're both treating it as a backup plan, and cooperating above and beyond what it dictates. But as a result, he is still on title for the house and still has a key, and he still owns the family car I drive now, as he was the one to buy his own, so he has a key to that too. I can't put any of these in my name alone until the agreement is signed. I thought it would go much much faster and I'd be divorced long before now, but lawyers, and my ex's ostrich behaviour and "forgetfulness" have been a serious impediment.
As he is unable to afford a good place, he comes to our home to see the kids and look after them and do dad things, on a regular basis. Honestly, they see him just about as much as they did when we were married and he lived here, and we both think that stability is important. As he hasn't bought a carseat for his own car, he borrows the other car when he takes them places.
Based on his low income, I did not expect him to pay child support, as for the past ten years, he hasn't reached the threshold. I figured as long as he kept doing the same job as he did when we were married, I wouldn't pester, or impute him an income or anything, as I didn't really need the money. Well, money is always nice, but honestly, our standard of living is improved without him and his frivolous spending. Anyways.
Although by guideline, he wasn't required to pay child support last year, he did contribute, doing fun things with the kids, putting gas in the car, for example, bringing groceries home, buying them toys and clothes, and he's still paying all the insurance. I wasn't going to switch that until the agreement is signed; I thought it would be encouragement to hurry, but I guess it isn't.
I feel as though this situation isn't totally tenable going forward, as, for example, it really keeps me stuck at home as I have all the overnights. But I don't feel I can rock the boat by trying to change any aspect of it, at least not until the separation agreement is signed. But so far, the kids seem to be coping beautifully with the idea of him not living with us, they still see him often, we still do some things as a foursome (heartbreaking as it is for me) and gradually easing forward seems to be the best plan.
So here's my first question: do you think we're giving the kids mixed messages about our breakup? Are we showing them that two adults can still cooperate and love them, or are we just not making it clear that we've broken up? The kids are very young (3 and 6) so the most difficult questions haven't come yet and won't for a while, probably.
And the second issue, the financial one. He never changed his address with CRA, and his NoA came to the house. I always set aside his lingering mail for him. He opened it, and forgot it here, so I peeked. Don't get mad; I'd helped him file and knew more or less what to expect. And he's supposed to show me anyways. But this past year, to my surprise, for the first time in a decade, he has actually made enough of an income to technically owe a small amount of child support. So my question is, should I push him to pay it as per the separation agreement we have yet to sign off on, should I wait until after it is signed, should I ignore it and just let him keep buying groceries now and then? I would be happy to let him keep his income, as I don't need it, and frankly on paper he appears to need every penny, and some day I hope he'll have a home he can bring the kids to and I won't have to see him so much, but I wonder what's really going on, because he's still spending on frivolities. I see all kinds of stuff here about people evading CS, and I don't want to encourage that either. If I don't suggest he pay CS now, am I setting a bad precedent for later on down the road, if he should maybe make even more money?
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