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  • Hello

    Hello. I'm a father with 50% custody of 2 kids, now 11 and 13 y/o.

    After some initial squabbles, we've managed to keep it out of court by estimating what the end result would likely be and then agreeing to it. That way we are both unhappy, but at least the lawyers are too.

    We aren't friends but we communicate enough to raise the kids because we both care about them.

    From my perspective, family law is unreasonable in its premise. If it were reasonable, people could sort out it out themselves and the streets would overflow with unemployed lawyers and judges, and the burden to the EI and welfare system would be too much for the nation to bear.

  • #2
    As long as you can continue to co parent and leave unnecessary animosity out of it, you’ll do well.

    As a child of divorce, my parents hated each other forever which led to a great deal of awkward and embarrassing moments throughout our lives. Think of the kids first and you’ll be a winner.

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    • #3
      Thanks for the wise words. I have my Mom's advice, if you don't have something nice to say...in front of the kids or people we know in common.

      I wouldn't have any problem with my ex and would have been able to forgive and forget the marriage. Then she lied and reneg'd on agreements twice. There can be no trust. The family law system encourages conflict in my opinion.

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      • #4
        Now you are wiser though... you know you have to get everything in writing and witnessed right?

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        • #5
          Right.

          But...I did the first time. Lawyers don't mind fixing it for you though

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          • #6
            If you’ve got an unreasonable ex it doesn’t matter what you say or do or even what the law says. The beauty of the court system is everyone has a right to be heard. Thats the first mistake in every court proceeding in family law.

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            • #7
              I think she's had enough. No drama for 3.5 years now. She doesn't want a never ending battle, which is good.
              I expect the next round when the kids go to post secondary. I'm thinking she is depending on the CS for herself. I'll be back here before that to get opinions and develop a strategy on how I can handle it in a way that benefits the kids first and me second before PS starts.

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              • #8
                Hopefully she figures shit out before then. Doesnt matter what she depends on. My partners ex has a six figure income and is still demanding full table for a kid living at school. Shes bitter and wants to make him broke.

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                • #9
                  Hi Dad First, I too am trying to keep mine out of the court system, so far not much luck.

                  Reading post like yours gives me hope we too can communicate enough for the kids sake. How long did it take you to get to that point?

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                  • #10
                    Of course it's complicated, but from very early on we were functional in that regard. After the stunning ending of the marriage, I composed myself and did a lot of reading and information gathering. When I could wrap my mind around what the likely outcome was to be, I made an offer. After a little back and forth we wrote it up, filed it at the courthouse together and lived with it until we could finalize the divorce. She wanted us to have pizza on Tuesdays so that the kids could have us together. I said, "No. The relationship is now strictly a financial relationship." plus she knows I don't really like pizza. You may think that's crazy and maybe it is. I can just think of about 100 better things to eat than pizza.

                    I should have finalized the divorce ASAP after one year, but I let it go until after SS had ended and then some. I was moving in with my current partner and my new partner wanted it to be final before we did, which was fair. In order to settle my ex asked for more SS, ostensibly to go to school to better her career. It was an offer I had made since before we were married and repeated until we were doing the separation agreement. So after spending the only legal money I ever spent on the divorce, we settled for another couple of years at a discounted rate. She was supposed to use the time and money to go to school. She did not. It followed the usual pattern of failing to hold up her end. So now, 7.5 years in, we talk about the kids - braces, school, sports, but that's it. We are not California about it. I do not want to have coffee with her. In our case I think that's key - we stay out of each other's lives, we are not each other's business anymore, we both wanted to keep the money in the family, neither of us wants to waste our time on fighting, or have the stress and bitter taste of gall in our mouths.

                    I feel like I did the best I could and I still feel I got effed. Sometimes the best solution is when no one is happy.

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                    • #11
                      My best advice to you approaching post secondary is to stay involved with your kids and their career aspirations. Go through all the options early and encourage them to learn about and understand financial independence. Then when it comes time to apply, let them see how much school will cost and what they are expected to contribute. Your ex can blather about needing money for cs if your child goes away but you are no longer responsible for her. In most of the cases Ive read (and my experience with friends and family) kids who have parents that have taught them about financial aspects are much better at being smart!

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                      • #12
                        Financial independence is in my wheelhouse for teaching. Good plan.

                        I've put money away in their RESP's the whole time except the years where their mom came back for more SS. (The money isn't infinite you know.) I self direct my investments and they do pretty well. So with any luck, that can cover most of their PS expenses and I may yet taste freedom before I die.

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                        • #13
                          Thanks for the kind words man, and you are mostly correct.

                          May be a good outcome but it's only a tie. It is however a win for the kids.

                          The day sh...tuff came down, I got real serious. That is not the day to crawl into a bottle. That is the day to man up and assert yourself, for the kids. I was a 50-50 parent while we were together. I changed diapers and took kids to appointments, I got up in the night, I played with them, and I outworked my ex. I never let it be viewed as an option that anything less than 50% was acceptable. Control the frame. I'm the better role model in my own opinion. It's been 7 years and it's working. I believe my ex respects me now, which was not the case back in the day. That's the right example for my boys. Self control, a bit of stoicism, honesty, love.

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