she's moving out

[dadontherocks]

My x is moving out to a new house and there won't be enough $ left to stay in the family home with the kids unless I can get CS.
I've been by far the primary parent for years, but now she's showing up like a dedicated mom and telling the kids she wants them 50/50. one of my 3 kids is not interested in spending any time with her, the other two are being fooled by the sudden interest she's showing in them. I think its because she's trying to minimize CS payments to me if I agree to a 50/50 time split.

We don't have a separation or custody agreement, but she's moving anyway and leaving me in a financially stressed situation.
Can I do anything about this, or do I have to accept I'll have to sell and move, which the kids will hate.
The kids are 12.14.16 and don't realize, if they agree to spend half the time with their mom we'll have to move house. The status quo, would be 80% with me as it has been for the last 5 years.

[Mess]

When a couple is together in a toxic relationship, one or both can end up being emotionally shut down and distant to the children as well.

Divorce means change, and she is a mother and 99.9% of parents love their children. Her life is changing, she is changing, she is finding value in spending time with the kids.

At 50% she is paying for the children when they are with her. This isn't cheap. Most situations, there is no "savings" of CS by going 50/50, it costs her the same either way. The difference is she is spending the money on the children directly when they are with her, not paying you.

Don't fight 50/50 because you aren't getting paid enough. You will lose that fight. If the children are willing to give it a try, they have the right to have both parents.

If she is faking it, they will see this in a few months when the dust settles.

Look into refinancing the home, if you can't then you can't. Not everyone can keep the family home after divorce, that is just a fact of life.

[Rioe]

My x is moving out to a new house and there won't be enough $ left to stay in the family home with the kids unless I can get CS.

Isn't her moving out supposed to relieve your financial situation since you won't need the expense of your own place in addition to the matrimonial home? Weren't you paying it all along?

You can't rely on CS for your budget, unfortunately. Not saying your ex will default, but some parents are deadbeats, and the CS is unreliable. You don't want to come to rely on CS and then have your ex change jobs to lesser income. Who has the greater income? Who would pay whom in a 50-50 offset situation?

I've been by far the primary parent for years, but now she's showing up like a dedicated mom and telling the kids she wants them 50/50. one of my 3 kids is not interested in spending any time with her, the other two are being fooled by the sudden interest she's showing in them. I think its because she's trying to minimize CS payments to me if I agree to a 50/50 time split.

If one child is not split 50-50, you may have a bit of CS coming to you, depending on the incomes, but you still can't count on it.

But whatever her motivation, 50-50 is best for the children, so don't look at what you think are the reasons for it, look at the end results.

And though it might be painful to consider, if your marriage was rocky for some time before you separated, maybe all along it wasn't the kids she was avoiding, but you? And avoiding you had the side effect of avoiding the kids as well. She may be having a great time with them now that she doesn't have the stress of your presence, or reminders of you around her, at the same time as them.

We don't have a separation or custody agreement, but she's moving anyway and leaving me in a financially stressed situation.

If I'm remembering your situation correctly, it's not her moving that's leaving you financially stressed, it's your handling of the last year, by giving her excess support, that has financially stressed you. I know you did it for the sake of the children as long as you could, but if you've reached the limit, you've reached the limit.

But once you have exclusive possession of the home, stop paying her SS and paying any of her expenses if you don't have an agreement. Go into financial defense mode and save as much as you can to keep the house for as long as you can, and for the possibility of eventually owing her support.

Her moving should be relieving some of your financial stress, as you no longer have to pay for a home you aren't living in, or for that van you aren't using.

If there is still no agreement, or partial agreement, you're within your rights to stop giving her all money and support except for CS, obviously. Let her lock herself into that lease, get exclusive possession of the home and change the locks, get the van back, get what you need to relieve your financial pressure, and then hold it all back until you have an agreement that says otherwise. In the meantime, cut back on everything extraneous and save the money.

Can I do anything about this, or do I have to accept I'll have to sell and move, which the kids will hate.
The kids are 12.14.16 and don't realize, if they agree to spend half the time with their mom we'll have to move house. The status quo, would be 80% with me as it has been for the last 5 years.

Absolutely do not say that, or even think that for fear of accidentally saying it! It is NOT the children's decision to spend time with their mom that makes you have to sell the house. Do NOT lay the blame on them. Reframe that thought in your head. It is the reality of divorce and what is best for the children that means you may not be able to afford to keep the house, not any choice of theirs to spend time with their mom.

[billm]

Completely support the 50/50 and hopefully it will work out. Don't split the kids up and don't give them the option - support her right to continue to be a mother.

80% as you the 'primary parent' previously is a little bit of BS as she lived with the kids 100% as did you. Either way things are changing, go with 50/50, it will be the best for all.

DO NOT tell the kids anything about money or CS.

If you can't afford the house, so be it, access is not related to it - keep money and access separate.