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Tough Spot with BPD ex

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  • Tough Spot with BPD ex

    Hey folks,

    Hope all is well. I'm looking for some advice on how to handle a mentally/emotionally abusive ex-wife.

    Got really upset today as we have separated and she asked me to stop by repeatedly when she had the kids last week. I did go the first time as she caught me off guard. I quickly realized I never should have done that and said no to the rest of the times. She was trying to get me to come over a couple of other days and applying pressure saying she was going to throw my stuff out or having my kids text me on her behalf to ask.

    This has come up because she told someone that I came by multiple times a day every day and was just showing up which wasn't true AT ALL. I'm worried she will also try to say the same to a judge when in fact it's the opposite (she kept harassing me).

    I have some texts and stuff showing her asking me to come and me saying no over a few days, but I'm wondering if that is enough? What should I be doing to protect myself and avoid he said/she said situations? What has worked for others? Does it even matter during a divorce proceeding?

    There has also been abuse from her towards me. That is already difficult enough for me to try to deal with as it's rare the wife is the abusive one so I worry that there will be a bias. I know she knows this and she'll do whatever she thinks she needs to do to come out on top in this situation.

    Anyways, curious to see how others may have dealt with this and thanks for reading!

  • #2
    Small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. Although why are you jumping? You are basically her dancing monkey. Either ignore her texts or tell her you are busy at the moment. If the kids get involved you reiterate that this is not their business and ignore them too.

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    • #3
      I agree with Rocksan. Ignoring her is the best you can do. Just be glad you don't live under the same roof with her anymore so don't give her the opportunity to continue her abuse. Ignore her and stay as far away from her as possible. I know the feeling of being married to a mentally ill spouse. Unfortunately, the circus just never ends with them. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

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      • #4
        Thanks all, I had a feeling...and realized I shouldn't be doing what she says (but too late). It's almost like a reflex I need to work on...glad to know it's likely not going to come back to bite me anyways

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        • #5
          Originally posted by ott_dad1 View Post
          Thanks all, I had a feeling...and realized I shouldn't be doing what she says (but too late). It's almost like a reflex I need to work on...glad to know it's likely not going to come back to bite me anyways

          My husband was like this in the beginning which was two years after his divorce. I kept telling him to stop jumping. When I called him her dancing monkey he stopped it.

          Unless the kids are headed to the emergency room in an ambulance nothing she says is urgent that requires you to go there.

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          • #6
            Judges don't go reading through reams of text messages. My ex thinks so which is annoying. So know that you are not alone.

            My ex treats me like her dancing monkey too. She doesn't respond to my texts, however, if I don't respond to her texts immediately upon receipt she loses her shit and barrages me on why I am not answering...

            But again, judges don't give a rats butt about your texting relationship or etiquette. Just remember to keep any/all communication cordial, period.

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            • #7
              Hey there,

              I've been keeping record of everything through our messages. What format do judges need to see this in (if they don't read text messages), given that this is where the meat is? Thanks!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Exasperated mommy View Post
                Hey there,

                I've been keeping record of everything through our messages. What format do judges need to see this in (if they don't read text messages), given that this is where the meat is? Thanks!

                They won’t get into the weeds like that. Unless the text message is an agreement you can see kids and then she reneges or if she is saying you can’t see the kids on your time via text message they aren’t worth anything.

                I don’t know how many ways it can be said but text messages are useless in court or out. Stop communicating anything important via text and stop responding via text. If it is an emergency call otherwise send everything via email and only when necessary.

                For instance “I am available to pick up kids at x time on y day.” Or “I do not agree to dance swimming gymnastics hockey and soccer, I agree to one activity at $200”. Etc.

                Stop communicating unnecessarily if you have a high maintenance difficult ex!!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                  They won’t get into the weeds like that. Unless the text message is an agreement you can see kids and then she reneges or if she is saying you can’t see the kids on your time via text message they aren’t worth anything.

                  I don’t know how many ways it can be said but text messages are useless in court or out. Stop communicating anything important via text and stop responding via text. If it is an emergency call otherwise send everything via email and only when necessary.

                  For instance “I am available to pick up kids at x time on y day.” Or “I do not agree to dance swimming gymnastics hockey and soccer, I agree to one activity at $200”. Etc.

                  Stop communicating unnecessarily if you have a high maintenance difficult ex!!
                  All of this ^^^ and then BIFF them.

                  https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Exasperated mommy View Post
                    Hey there,

                    I've been keeping record of everything through our messages. What format do judges need to see this in (if they don't read text messages), given that this is where the meat is? Thanks!
                    Judges don't read texts, so no format at all. Sorry to say but you are likely wasting your time and effort. People watch way too much TV and think they can walk into court with a box of text messages and the judge will read them. The court system is clogged and judges don't have time to read nonsense or conversations.

                    What are you hoping to prove through text? The only thing that is worth anything, is if someone is withholding children and proof is in text, or if someone made a unilateral decision in a text. If the meat of your argument is "texts", you may not have much argument at all.

                    Also, if you are keeping a record of every text, how does that make you look? It can make you look like you are looking for conflict and reading into each and every text as conflict---which can paint you in a very negative light. Parents should be able to cordially and freely communicate without fear that every text is being documented. Otherwise both parents are on constant pins and needles and there is zero trust established between the 2 of you.
                    Last edited by LovingDad1234; 06-24-2020, 03:25 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      The main texts relate to my ex telling me he needs 24hrs notice to give our son a bath, despite (as one example) receiving a photo from daycare of our son sitting in the sandbox at daycare (he came home to me the next day still having sand in his diaper). Those sorts of things - the things that lead to me not wanting him to have 50% custody; my thought process is that, since he can't be relied on to take proper care of our son in that way, I'm aiming to not put him in a position where he needs to be relied upon for such things (ie more than a day at a time). Or refusing to take him to the Dr when he's sick. I'm a little confused now on what judges require for proof in helping them determine whether it not to issue full vs 50/50 custody?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        (I'm new here and I'm not altogether sure I wrote my response in the correct way....


                        Exasperated mommy The main texts relate to my ex telling me he needs 24hrs notice to give our son a bath, despite (as one example) receiving a photo from daycare of our son sitting in the sandbox at daycare (he came home to me the next day still having sand in his diaper). Those sorts of things - the things that lead to me not wanting him to have 50% custody; my thought process is that, since he can't be relied on to take proper care of our son in that way, I'm aiming to not put him in a position where he needs to be relied upon for such things (ie more than a day at a time). Or refusing to take him to the Dr when he's sick. I'm a little confused now on what judges require for proof in helping them determine whether it not to issue full vs 50/50 custody?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
                          Judges don't read texts, so no format at all. Sorry to say but you are likely wasting your time and effort. People watch way too much TV and think they can walk into court with a box of text messages and the judge will read them. The court system is clogged and judges don't have time to read nonsense or conversations.

                          What are you hoping to prove through text? The only thing that is worth anything, is if someone is withholding children and proof is in text, or if someone made a unilateral decision in a text. If the meat of your argument is "texts", you may not have much argument at all.

                          Also, if you are keeping a record of every text, how does that make you look? It can make you look like you are looking for conflict and reading into each and every text as conflict---which can paint you in a very negative light. Parents should be able to cordially and freely communicate without fear that every text is being documented. Otherwise both parents are on constant pins and needles and there is zero trust established between the 2 of you.

                          I lived & continue to live through a very high conflict/BPD ex. Tayken is spot on - the high conflict institute is a fantastic resource. Invest in the resources and use them. You can't get in the weeds with someone who is truly BPD/High Conflict. You will never be right. You will never make them happy. Learn that from now.

                          As for LovingDad1234's comment, a lot of our trial was centered around abusive texts and many entries from MyFamilyWizard. As long as you keep your content focused and relevant to what is happening and are able to illustrate exactly how this is affecting the children/coparenting/etc, they will listen. The reality is, you have to be reasonable, respectful and seem completely level-headed. This will go far with any Justice.

                          Good luck to you and google "Grey Rock Method". Very effective.

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                          • #14
                            Thank you for your advice!

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by vocalfather View Post
                              As for LovingDad1234's comment, a lot of our trial was centered around abusive texts and many entries from MyFamilyWizard. .
                              Yes, correct. If there is abuse in the text, then it would be admissable. However, it must be legitimate abuse and not "Look he texts me much more often than I do him". That is a texting relationship. As I said before, keep all communication cordial and everyone should be fine.

                              Further, again, judges don't want to go through reams of texts. Did your ex text you to say that you could not see your kid when you were supposed to? Did your ex make a unilateral decision through text that should have been consulted in a joint custody arrangement? Those texts would have weight.

                              Comment

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