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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 01-19-2011, 10:37 PM
PereAMav PereAMav is offline
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Default The little things

Over Christmas I had to have my lawyer send my ex a letter reiterating that I was to see my son on my birthday (just before Christmas). We have 50/50 custody. She was also reminded that we should be each be dropping off our son to the other parent as per the agreement. I had been doing all pickups and dropoffs to her until my son (4 years old) asked my why I was always leaving him. We have been seperated since July of '09.

Now, she will drop him off to me, but will not come to the door, she texts me from the driveway and I need to go out. Further, she no longer wants me to go to her door (which I had always done, for either pickup or dropoff). Knowning her as I do it is her way of being 'fair'.

I believe this odd arrangement stresses my son and he sees and more importantly feels the strangeness of the situation. This is but one issue of many, all small, but all undermining any concept of co-parenting. We have a clause stating that should we disagree on parenting issues we can appeal to a specific counsellor.

Should I invoke the clause? We are quickly becoming two completely independent environments for my son and it can be seen in his behaviour.

Thanks....
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Old 01-19-2011, 11:19 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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Not unless you want to be drawn back into court. If you think there is something to address, then it is best to talk with her, and if you can't do that, send her an email.
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Old 01-20-2011, 07:54 AM
Mess Mess is offline
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Honestly, in the grand scheme of things you shouldn't be making an issue out of whether you go to the door or not. This isn't something you need to invoke clauses over.

You are becoming separate independent environments? That is a good thing. If you personally have a problem with that, this is likely the reason that your ex is pulling away and asking that you not come to the door. You are not a couple anymore, she wants her life, she wants and needs and has a right to an independent environment.

The fact that your child is stressed is not reason to run to a counsellor or invoke clauses. Children are resililient and will adapt, and some stress is inevitable. Don't use your child to try to guilt your ex and control her behaviour. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but being child focused to the extreme is a backdoor to control. Compared to 99% of separated couples you don't have any issues.
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Old 01-20-2011, 10:45 AM
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dadtotheend dadtotheend is offline
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Totally agree with Mess.

The child will adapt to that tiny change at access exchange time.

Not at all worth battling about.
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Old 01-20-2011, 12:44 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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It is pretty much what we call curb side exchanges. You're not the first to have to do it. Look on the bright side, it is just that much less contact with you ex in your life. Otherwise, stick to emails about matters relating to the child.
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Old 01-20-2011, 03:23 PM
Pharah Pharah is offline
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Your son will adapt as long as you don't make a big deal out of it.

Co-parenting is not the only option for joint custody. Parallel parenting, which it sounds like you are moving to is also a viable option for raising your son. This involves each parent making decisions for your son while he is with that parent and is used in custody where there is high degree of conflict/interference from the alternate parent.

Have you looked into parenting co-ordination? The OCL has recommended this for our son and may work from you in this situation to work out these problem.

Causing undo conflict with your ex will be far more harmful then his adjusting to the exchange situation.

Sorry, just my opinion.

Last edited by Pharah; 01-20-2011 at 03:29 PM.
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Old 01-20-2011, 11:17 PM
PereAMav PereAMav is offline
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Thanks for all the replies.
I will ponder. I was looking for honest opinions.
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Old 01-21-2011, 09:38 AM
Pharah Pharah is offline
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Yeah - this forum has kept me level during my process through the court. Sometimes it's hard to swallow but it is in your best interest listen.

Hope everything works out.
Cheers.
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Old 01-24-2011, 10:30 PM
PereAMav PereAMav is offline
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Okay, so today we upped the ante.
She has stopped giving my son his prescribed medication and did not inform me. It was only after repeated questions that I surmised she had stopped. She refused to answer a simple yes/no question.

I do not feel I can trust her to abide by decisions we have made. Comments/Suggestions are more than welcome.
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Old 01-24-2011, 11:00 PM
red6419 red6419 is offline
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I have curbside pick up and drop off with my son - going on 6 years I think? He's fine and it honestly causes me way less stress then having to go up to the door every second weekend and never knowing what was in store with the ex or his crazy wife.

On the medication issue - I had this issue in the summer, met with a lawyer and was basically told that unless the medication was life or death that it wasn't worth going to court over. I spoke with my child's doctor as well and she told me that we wouldn't have much success in court anyway because it wasn't life and death.

So you might want to consider two conversations before taking any action:
1) speak to your child's doctor about what the issues are related to not taking the medication regularly - what are the side effects, and does s/he recommend that you continue with the dosage as prescribed now and then I suggest you ask very bluntly if s/he thinks this is an issue worth pursuing in court.

2) If you have a reasonable lawyer bounce the idea of getting a letter written based on the doctors feedback (if the doctor reasonably suggests that harm may come to your child based on the other parents actions) to get with the program and follow the doctors orders or additional action blah... blah... blah...

good luck.
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