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  • Not quite Common Law first post

    Okay I have an interesting situation, like most posters here. I have been seeing a girl for a few months <6 and I didn't think it was going to last. However she informed me about about a month ago that she is pregnant. Now I saw the blog where someone had to pay spousal support for someone who they were dating. However we live in different cities, and have weekends together as about the most time together. I am not sure what my rights are, since she want's to keep the child. She doesn't have a career right now and wants to take it easy during the pregancy to avoid stress. She wants me to help with groceries and vitamens for her during this time. Any advice? I am trying to get to a lawyer to get things in order.

  • #2
    you do not have to help her unless you want to, but maybe you should think of helping her with the vitamins at least in order to have a healthy baby . Once the baby is born though you will have to pay CS.

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    • #3
      Get a lawyer. Now. Don't put it off.

      If you don't "live" together, ie. different addresses, you aren't common law.

      I really can't see her being awarded any spousal support, as you are not considered a "spouse" under the law.

      As for prenatal care... trust me, a healthy baby is a good thing, so please go ahead and help her out if you can. Just keep a ledger and receipts for possible future court dates.

      You will definately have to pay child support, you can get an idea of how much $ on the internet. Be prepared to pay it for the next 18 to 25 years...

      You can be angry about it, but there is nothing you can do, you helped make the baby, so now you're going to have to support the baby.

      If you want a long, drawn out court battle, demand joint custody. You probably wont get it, but that's your decision to make.

      Remember, whether you thought the relationship wasn't going to last or not, you will be connected with this woman for the rest of your life. And a woman scourned....

      Children are lifes most precious gift..don't waste it!

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      • #4
        Good advice from previous posts.

        One thing about this is for you to think seriously about what you want your involvement to be with your child. You will (and should) support the child financially. If you have custody of the child less than 40&#37; of the time, then you will pay full CS based soley on your income. If you want to raise the child as an equal to the mother, then your CS will be adjusted by her income as you have the child half the time.

        I am not trying to focus on the money. What I want to say is that if you want to raise your child equally with the mother then you have to start right away. If you wait then she will have control later if you then decide you want have equal physical custody of your child, and she very well may not allow it, with the courts blessing.

        Keep in mind that there are two types of custody, shared custody, meaning you both have rights in the decisions about the child, and also physical custody (aka access), which is how much time you have the child. They are two different things - that don't have much to do with each other. No matter what I would not give up custody (don't give the mother sole custody), as you will loose your right to be involved in decision making for the child upbringing. As for physical custody (aka how much time you are actually with the child), that is up to you and the mother - but see my advice in the previous paragraph)

        Though unexpected, congratulations on being a father, and co parent. I can't image my life without kids - it is the most important thing in my life, has been and always will be. I am raising my kids equally with their mother and I hope if you have it in you, you will too as raising a child is best done by both of their parents.
        Last edited by billm; 08-29-2009, 02:16 AM.

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        • #5
          Well the thing is, I am settling into the fact of becoming a father. I, of course am not happy with her decision. The 2 things that are coming to mind for me is 1. trying to gain sole custody of the child (since I have a higher then average income & I have benefits at work) 2. Make sure she isn't trying to be a golddigger having me support her and our child. Supporting the child is one thing, but having to support her is another thing. She has indicated that I should be paying for the crib & all the other items. I have a feeling that I am almost paying a surrogate for a child.

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          • #6
            Congratulations on coming to terms with the situation
            Your son/daughter needs you!!!!

            You don't have to buy HER anything!!!

            And, you are not obligated to financially support the child before he/she is born.

            If your ex has no money at all, and you chose to provide some clothing/crib/carseat for YOUR child, then that is great. Your are putting YOUR CHILD FIRST!

            Its a demonstration of your willingness to be mature and responsible for your baby, regardless of the relationship between you and his/her mother.

            And, like I said before, a healthy baby is a good thing... right?? So vitamins, parenting classes etc. would also be a good investment!

            Sorry to tell you though, that unless your ex girl is totally and completely unfit to parent, and you can PROVE IT...
            you will not get sole custody of the child, regardless of your finances/employment/health benefits/education/extended family etc....

            There isn't a Judge out there that will give you the baby, just because you want it... even if you could provide for him/her more easily.

            At best, IF you and her can communicate effectively, you MIGHT get joint custody, whereas you both get equal input on major decisions for the child. But you will only get that IF you two can get along and co-parent effectively, without the fighting.

            So, if you are still "together", don't mention your intentions to her, seek legal advice confidentially. IF you tell her what you are thinking, she'll probably freak out!

            Ohh, and please don't think of it as buying things for the golddigger.... think of it as buying things for your baby, because you want him/her to be happy and healthy and well taken care of.

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            • #7
              Are you sure you're the father? If you are, then there are alot of great posts below with valuable information. If your not sure, request a DNA test.

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              • #8
                My advice would be to always be respectful towards the mother no matter how she may act in the future if your relationship sours, if at any point you start insulting her or your behaviour is not impeccable it will probably come back to haunt you in court as she makes a claim for sole custody.

                Start keeping track of things you do NOW that would make you look like a great dad, buy her the crib, carseat, and keep the receipts. Take a parenting class. Try to get some email correspondence with your girlfriend where you talk about what you think is best for the child's future. Try documenting where you are communicating effectively about the child that may be used later in court if she claims you cannot communicate together.

                You live in different cities which makes access a bit more complex. Meet with a lawyer now and work out a possible plan on how much-how often you would see your child. Work out a plan that for the first few years that would start with hort visits but eventually grow to involve overnights at your place in your city. Be realistic about how much time you are prepared to drive and how much time a young kid can spend in a car. Keep your meeting with the lawyer a secret, but you do need to plan for this if quick court action is needed if she denies you access after the birth.

                Congrats on being a dad and no I don't thnk she has any claim for spousal support, but I also don't think you have much hope in getting sole custody based on the information you have provided here.

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                • #9
                  Even more excellent advice from Daba

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                  • #10
                    Thanks everyone, I am trying to get the lawyer thing going. So I guess I don't have much of a chance on the custody thing.

                    Comment

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