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iona6656 · #11 05-10-2022, 12:47 PM

I thought I would update this thread- as I don't see a lot of discussion of the use of co-parent counsellors/parenting coordinator post-settlement.

In our final parenting agreement- we agreed that we would see our PC at least once a year and once again when D5 is 6 years old.

Ex has been super reluctant to go back- to the point where he outright refused. Then I pointed out a clause saying "if there are issue related to the well-being and health of the child- either party may request discussions through the PC, and the other party must comply".

The main issues that seemed to be escalating were:

D5 does not like spending the weekend with her dad. She tells me every time she comes back. I think it's just a transition period, I've read all the books about helping little kids transition. And it just isn't working.

"How do YOU know it isn't working?"....every Thursday (after she spends wednesday night) and now on Mondays (after her weekend with her dad) for the last two months I've been called to the school because D5 has some time of issue- her stomach hurts, or she has some reaction/skin issue. Something. She cries and tells the school she needs to see me. I strongly suspect this is a combination of her skin is not in the best shape by the end of the weekend at Dads AND she just wants to see me. The reactions were legit though- hives or some other form of minor skin irritation. D5 knows if she complains about her stomach hurting- the school will call me and I'll come. Because of her allergies- the school is understandably sensitive to this- and I don't blame them. But I've discussed it with the owner and she agreed to be less disruptive- that if it wasn't major- they would treat her skin issue if they could. Or sit with her- but I wouldn't immediately rush there.

Anyways- I digress. What can we do to ensure she's transitioning well?

Second- and more importantly- Dad refuses to follow her skin care routine. Wont' use the creams uses regularly for her skin (they are non-prescription- but recommended by her previous pediatric dermatologists). She needs a soak 2x a day- short bath or even just a shower with no soap. Applying cream or balm 2-3x a day to keep it moisturized. This is her routine, it was put in place when she was an infant- and amended with regular visits to her pediatric dermatologist as she go older. Her skin has done really well as she's gotten older, and that helps. But anyways- dad refuses to follow skincare.

I've asked. I've sent emails requesting he follow it. He says 'What I'm doing is working- I have this condition too- I've never been told to do XXXX" . It is a continual fight- and one that is affecting D5's skin.

Also- everything is an argument. Activity on his time? Nope. He offered instead to take her to the one activity she does during my parenting time.

Anyways- there is a lot of hostility and animosity from him. Constantly.

I said let's let the PC settle these disagreements. So we're back. She told us that we're not doing well- and are obviously combative. And even if D5 isn't directly witnessing this- she knows. So I asked that we continue to see her. And ex has reluctantly agreed. We both get covered under our insurance plans. We both have good jobs- and money to spend on a PC shouldn't be an issue. For the good of our kid.

We've had two more sessions- and both times the PC has sent me out of the room to speak with him separately.

Ex is a bully and jerk. But he's not ostensibly a bad dad, at this stage. I just want to figure out how we can have a level of civility and cooperation.

The good news: He's agreed to follow her skin care routine.

The bad: sometimes I feel like I'm pleading with him to just be civil and reasonable- and given our history of abuse I hate it. But I've heard time and time again- the kids that do poorly with divorce are the ones whose parents are constantly at each other's throat.

So this is an experiment to see whether a PC can help us get to a somewhat civil co-parenting relationship.

rockscan · #12 05-10-2022, 01:33 PM

Im wondering if there is a way to work with him where he feels hes in control. I know his behaviour is not right and that he is being a pain but since he is a control freak and probably feels he doesn�t have control over situations, perhaps there is a way to message the requests where he feels like its his decision?

(I don�t understand how any parent would want their child to suffer especially if they have the similar condition. You�re her fucking dad, take care of her skin. I mean, my dad took off, didnt care if we went hungry, was not at all concerned we might have to go into foster care but was actually really awesome about taking care of us when we had a health issue. Your ex is off the wall about this. )

iona6656 · #13 05-10-2022, 02:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockscan

Im wondering if there is a way to work with him where he feels hes in control. I know his behaviour is not right and that he is being a pain but since he is a control freak and probably feels he doesn�t have control over situations, perhaps there is a way to message the requests where he feels like its his decision?

I think there has to be. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that I have a lot of decision making authority over our daughter - and at the sessions he even tried to play stupid when our PC pointed out that her skincare is part of healthcare- and that our agreement says I have decision making power. She was gently telling him that is how the court operates- and he angrily replied that "No judge made that decision. We didn't go to court- so no judge decided that she has sole custody". Then the PC asked- did you agree to this settlement? And suggested he might want to speak to his lawyer about what it means. He's not stupid. He knows what it means.

Sometimes I do wonder how closely he read our agreement - which is based on my offer to settle.

Quote:

(I don�t understand how any parent would want their child to suffer especially if they have the similar condition. You�re her fucking dad, take care of her skin. I mean, my dad took off, didnt care if we went hungry, was not at all concerned we might have to go into foster care but was actually really awesome about taking care of us when we had a health issue. Your ex is off the wall about this. )

I suspect it's less about not wanting to take care of her- and more about the fact that *I* said this is how her skin has to be cared for. He demanded a referral to a new dermatologist (her old one moved on from the practice). I asked her family doctor for referral to another dermatologist and he said "why? she doesn't have any current issues that need to be addressed"- and she doesn't. He fights me on everything.

Edited to add: In short- he will make decisions that are contrary to her well-being just to disagree with me. This is why I fought him for custody. I don't trust that he can make decisions in her best interest.

pinkHouses · #14 05-10-2022, 04:15 PM

I have experience on this. A PC sounds like a great idea and in practice it works for some types of people. Your ex does not sound like one of those people.

Your ex very much sounds like they have a borderline personality disorder. This is their problem, not saying you don't have your issues (most people do).

Your ex has not progressed over many years so after a short time ask the Parenting Coordinator what their assessment is so far, what their qualifications and experience is with treating people with said disorder -you must have some idea what it is- if they have the credentials to treat someone with a disorder what the outlook is for the engagement.

Don't hold your breath on your ex improving through a Parenting Coordinator unless she manages to take control of him. It would be a lot like "the PC says to take care of her skin like this so that is what I am doing" - I understand that would be unethical.

You are right on the skin care being more about that you said how her skin should be treated someone else has to say it.

You need therapy for your daughter so she can learn how to deal with your ex. She will have to take care of her own skincare routine and stop relying on the parent. There will be more things. She needs to mature a little faster than her peers in this regard.

That is some amazing employment package. They have something for Parenting Coordinators or therapy?

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