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Do parents usually share a child's birthday?

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  • Do parents usually share a child's birthday?

    Hi everyone.

    I'm in the middle of hammering out a custody agreement and would like to know what is usual for most parents. Is a child's birthday shared? Or, does it alternate? Or is it left to chance in relation to the back and forth weekly schedule? Ours looks like it will be a 2-day fixed and 3-day alternating schedule.

    Thanks in advance for your feedback.

  • #2
    You might want to see how that would ACTUALLY pan out - you could get an unlucky break on how the days fall - and kids birthdays are a precious few - especially those early ones that you might be actually giving parties for.

    Otherwise, if you have 50-50 time, that sounds simplest. However, you might want to put some restriction to prevent the parent who DOESN'T have access from scheduling a vacation that includes that day.

    Maybe also say that the parent who DOESN'T have access on the birthday evening can take the child out to lunch if on a schoolday.
    Last edited by dinkyface; 08-20-2010, 02:04 PM.

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    • #3
      It really depends on what your existing custody arrangements are.

      Here's what my parenting capacity report says on the matter:

      "Children’s Birthdays. Because children’s birthdays are seldom celebrated on their actual day, each parent can plan and pay for a celebration on their own time closest to the actual date that the children are in his or her care"

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      • #4
        My agreement treats my DD's birthday like any other day. So the parent who has custody of her for that day would celebrate and the other parent would just take the weekend before or after and celebrate it again.

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        • #5
          Personally I think the child's birthday is important to both the parents and the child. I missed my daughter's 2nd birthday as I was away on business and after separation she was with her father on her 3rd birthday. Since I didn't have any time with her that day I went to her daycare and spent lunchtime with her. Luckily this year her birthday is our regular switch off day, so we will both have time with her.

          This is one thing I will insist on once we get to the separation agreement. That the parent who does not have her on her birthday will allow the other parent 2 hours with the child on her birthday. It could mean taking her out for lunch, a morning or evening visit, whatever works. But I think it is very important for many reasons.

          Just think, how sad could a child be if one parent does not make the effort to see them (or is prevented by the other). It could be heartbreaking!

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          • #6
            Originally posted by billiechic View Post
            Just think, how sad could a child be if one parent does not make the effort to see them (or is prevented by the other). It could be heartbreaking!
            The parent who doesn't have the child would still be able to call, and wish them a happy birthday. I haven't had my DD on any of her birthdays yet. But I always celebrate it first and give her an excited phone call on it. It has never been an issue...

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            • #7
              This was a big issue for me when my son was younger - but in the end it's just a day and it was MY issue not his.

              Like Christmas, like Easter, like Thanksgiving its just a day. What's important isn't the actual DATE but rather the celebration. And each parent should make it about the celebration with each of them, no matter what date that celebration falls on.

              Good luck!

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              • #8
                Originally posted by red6419 View Post
                This was a big issue for me when my son was younger - but in the end it's just a day and it was MY issue not his.

                Like Christmas, like Easter, like Thanksgiving its just a day. What's important isn't the actual DATE but rather the celebration. And each parent should make it about the celebration with each of them, no matter what date that celebration falls on.

                Good luck!
                Wisdom gained over time.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by red6419 View Post
                  but in the end it's just a day and it was MY issue not his.
                  you are probably right. It is my issue as well, but given the history of my marriage it is something that will need to be included for us (else he might prevent me from seeing her and maybe even talking to her). I'm sure in time that this problem will fade. But for the time being, it needs to be included.

                  I am very glad though that most of you won't have this problem!

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                  • #10
                    Telephone contact, at least

                    Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I asked for telephone access, something I would be denied if it weren't codified.

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                    • #11
                      For telephone access...lay out the times as well. (ie. 6-6:30pm)...that way the ex can't claim that he didn't know when you would call, or claim to otherwise be busy.

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                      • #12
                        yes, sometimes things need to be spelled out in detail. It really depends on you and your ex. If you think there is any chance (at all) that your co-operation will break down, then get everything in writing.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by billiechic View Post
                          yes, sometimes things need to be spelled out in detail. It really depends on you and your ex. If you think there is any chance (at all) that your co-operation will break down, then get everything in writing.
                          Staying one step ahead.

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                          • #14
                            After separation, my ex and I decided to alternate his birthday's. The first year, I planned a big party with his friends from school and invited my ex. My son really liked that.

                            Unfortunately, this year that was not possible but he spent the morning with his mom and we had a birthday dinner for him in the evening.

                            Personally, I think you should plan to alternate but play it by ear. Where possible, let your child celebrate their birthday with you both because it is there day after all.

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                            • #15
                              In our agreement birthdays are to spent with the parent who has them on the normal schedule.

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