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LovingFather32 · #21 09-04-2017, 10:58 AM

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I don't understand why full weekends wouldn't be the best route. Do mean in the near future or looking forward.

Full weekends are a time when most parents visit family, go to extra curricular activities, etc. Sharing EOWeekend would be most reasonable IMO.

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What I meant to add was the little time between DOS and application being served. Nine weeks. Still typical? I'm not trying to win an award here lol

Not atypical. You didn't run to the bar and go on a binge looking for rebounds ladies. You're a good guy. You tried to reconcile, communicate and see your kids more. You did so for 9 weeks, then you finally realized she was finished with you and very stubborn with access time. That's your case.

What you need are those 4 access denials, then she can not plead acquiescence (that you basically consented to the situation by not serving earlier). Oh...and she will try that. Have those 4 denials as nice little exhibits to offer when she does. You did NOT consent.

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Are you suggesting this as final plan? I like the sounds of that. Though that Monday seems like a straggler. And I think it would be nice to do a Monday dropoff. What are the pros and cons of this?

This is my current arrangement and I love it. Some here said she would get more long weekends, but everything equaled out. Pick ups and drop-offs at school soon for you also, which means less seeing ex (bonus!!) Write in there somewhere that perhaps an expectation of week about as the kids get in to preteen/teen.

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I have documented DURING MARRIAGE duties which were limited but always involved when I could be. Documenting POST MARRIAGE diary down the the minute. And stating POST MARRIAGE intents. I also have a POST MARRIAGE parenting preparation list like books I've read, professionals I am consulting with and parenting classes I am signed up (first day in November, geeze they must be busy) for.

Journals are great. PICTURES are amazing. I had many pictures with D6 and I at every occasion, teaching her how to walk, reading her bedtime stories (had video of that too).
Judges are human and with the right amount of photos and videos, they will see just how involved you were and want to be despite her primary caregiver stuff.
I also did parenting classes (Parenting After Separation) .. the judges loved that.

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Documented at least 4 times. Once cancelled a scheduled day that was arranged between our lawyers. Lastly, denied me coming over night of first day of school so I could talk to our child in person about his day. Was only asking for a few minutes.

I remember I had a color-coded calendar of times I requested access and denied. Judges love this stuff. I had the e-mails to back them up if the judge asked for proof, but I kept them at my desk.

She's trying to minimize your role in the kids life. Fight buddy. FIGHT! Get fired up. I remember 3am mornings with the coffee maker being reloaded every hour setting up my case. Go all in...it's your kids. She doesn't get to call the shots.

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Do you think offering shows more commitment and path to least resistance at all?

Leave the driving issue for now. You have bigger fish to fry.

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Aside from a diary of everything we do together and photos of certain events, any other advice on proof building?

I'll get back to you on this. I'm in the middle of preparing my own materials for the school year...so I'm writing this stuff pretty quick. But I have some great ideas.

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This got me thinking more... about how I should be taking two afternoons off per week that will further prove the validity of my proposal.

Yes, do stuff like this. Also, both kids will be in school in the coming years.

But if I were you, my case would be "Being at home with support to see my kids now and then is better than me being out of the home all day with them having a babysitter,. not seeing me at all". You actually have an advantage that most dont here, including your ex, who will need to find work soon.
Adults work, family law LOVES support systems and understands that most parents need to earn a living and arn't available every minute of every day. The fact that you have support, work at home and still see the kids is huge in my opinion.

Anyways .. I'll have more later.

Whoknew · #22 09-04-2017, 12:17 PM

I misunderstood what you meant about weekends... I thought you mean not an entire weekend. I have revised my proposal to reflect EOW.

The case is shaping up more and more, it really does help sitting down (yes even at 3am) to put it all on paper, think things through thoroughly and of course share here to make it even better.

By four denials, I'm assuming texts would suffice as proof?

I'm happy to hear that your arrangement is working well. Is here anything you would have done differently?

Looking forward to hearing back later, hope your prep is/going/went well.

piggybanktoex · #23 09-04-2017, 05:24 PM

Who,

Best advice I can give and this is it:

Play to win.....or you could be a big loser

Demand 50/50 as the norm
Split all duties evenly
Know your Rights and Stand Firm
Your STBX is no longer your friend
You are, to her, merely a meal ticket and a source of income now
There is no US anymore, just you & her
The children are yours too
Don't give away anymore that required by law, that way you might have money later to help your kids as you see fit (instead of paying for sports cars or trips for your ex)

Be fair, but include yourself in that fairness.

Listen to LF32......he knows the ropes better, unfortunately, than most.

standing on the sidelines · #24 09-04-2017, 06:28 PM

one big thing to think about when trying to come up to an agreement with access, think about how you would feel if it was being offered to you. I know you changed the stance on weekends, but as an example, how would you feel if your ex offered that she keeps all the weekends? Always put yourself in the other persons shoes. That way it makes sure that you are trying to be reasonable. If it isnt acceptable to you then why would something be acceptable to your soon to be ex?

You are on the right track, keep your head held high and dont resort to mudslinging as this goes on. Let her be the one to sink to that level. You keep dong things that are child focused and you will be okay.

Whoknew · #25 09-04-2017, 07:38 PM

pbte and sots, thanks for that, very helpful, grounding and uplifting all at the same time.

paris · #26 09-04-2017, 08:32 PM

Weekends are the fun parenting time, especially once the kids are in school. Alternate the weekends to be fair to both parents. The rest looks AOK to me. Good luck.

Whoknew · #27 09-04-2017, 08:45 PM

Thanks paris.

Once I am done with my proposal, should I be sending this to my lawyer?

I also drafted up a case for debating Primary Caregiver and Status quo. Should I send that as well?

ensorcelled · #28 09-05-2017, 01:41 PM

I don't have much to add other than to say there are many other parenting arrangements other than the typical 2-2-3 which is often-quoted here. My ex and I split our weekends (I get Saturday and he comes and picks our son up on Sunday mornings) and it's awesome! We both get one weekend day of kid time and one day of adult time. If ever any of us needs a full weekend we just ask and I've never said no (and neither has he).

Our current arrangement is Sunday AM to Wednesday drop off him and me from Wednesday drop off to Sunday AM. Our son has ONE transition (transitions are hard for many) and we can both schedule work stuff easily around the days we don't have him (and know well in advance when that is because our days are fixed).

Broken record, but please please listen to this podcast: The New Family / Dr. Robert Emery Archives - The New Family

This is not about you or your Ex. It's about the kids and doing right by them. It may not be 'equal' or 'fair' or be some Game of Thrones fight that LF is advocates, but in the end your kids will benefit knowing you did what was best for THEM.

Also, i applaud you for leaning back for work stuffs. I did the same after my split and it was the best decision ever. Good luck papa!

Whoknew · #29 09-05-2017, 02:07 PM

ensorcelled, thanks for chiming in. What you added was great and a nice alternative.

I do have a question about access, today was our child's first day of JK so I went over the house (as agreed with my STBX) to walk over with them to school. It's about a ten minute. It felt awesome to be a part of this and our child definitely enjoyed it too.

On the way back, I suggested that I come over in the mornings twice a week to do the same and was met with resistance and avoidance and later an email saying I was being angry. The email has other items of discussion and did not address her accusations in my reply.

Can I reasonably show up anyway? I know our child would love it and quite frankly, myself included.

piggybanktoex · #30 09-05-2017, 02:34 PM

She is not your friend anymore....remember?

LF32, jump in here.

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