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  • New user with Custody Issue

    Hi,

    This is my first post on this forum. I was given the bad news of a separation on November 7th and for the most part we want to do this amicably expect we cannot agree on a custody arrangement.

    I love my children (10 and 8) and I want 50-50 custody but she flat out says no! I am not a deadbeat father - I can do everything she can! He only reason that she is giving is that I have anger issues and she is uncomfortable with the children around me for now.

    I take them to appointments, cook, clean, extra-curricular activities. They are really the only thing I have left and when asked she is willing to spend all her money to fight this.

    Is there any advice that I can use to avoid a lengthy battle?

    Thanks

  • #2
    If she is unwilling to agree to 50/50 you will need to buckle up for a battle. This means protecting yourself from any incidents she can use against you. Don’t let her engage, stay calm, count to ten and remember she is the enemy. Start looking at how you will manage 50/50 via housing, time with kids and keeping them in their school area. You may also want to find out about a few “parenting after divorce” classes and possibly any other classes/training you can think of that a judge will look at favourably.

    Have you tried mediation? That might be a first step to discussing the issues with her. If she is unwavering, you should probably get a lawyer to start working through the system.

    There are plenty of threads on this forum about 50/50 and how to get there.

    Comment


    • #3
      why does she think you have anger issues?

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks rockscan. I will need to look into classes - I think that will definitely help. I did see a lawyer and they suggested to see a custody specialist and the likely outcome will be 50-50. I do have a housing plan and although I will not be living in the school area I will be within a 15 minute drive. The other advantage is I work from home so drop-off and pickup would be easy. Also my employer is very flexible with work arrangements.

        @iona6656 - she perceives the way I speak as anger and raising my voice. I grew up in a loud house and sometimes that is what works although it is not yelling. I did used to get angry but when I went to counselling my person identified that anger was my default reaction for what I was really feeling. Ever since this was brought to my attention I have been able to better reflect the emotion I am feeling at the time. My kids have noticed a significant improvement.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by SingleDad2Kids View Post
          I want 50-50 custody but she flat out says no!
          This will not be an amicable process. Believe us, who have been through it. It starts with the allegations of abuse, anger, etc. all in the view to limit your time with the kids, bur really her aim is to maximize the time she has, as well as to have you pay CS for as long as possible.

          Originally posted by SingleDad2Kids View Post
          she is giving is that I have anger issues and she is uncomfortable with the children around me for now.
          Do not let her get into that trap with you. Next thing you go from being a nice guy to having to defend yourself as though you are a monster. Next thing she will want you to see a psychiatrist or have evaluations done. Don't give into that crap. Be yourself, be the good person you are. Let her sling mud, but don't sling mud back. Take the high road. Don't agree to her accusations. She is no expert. Judges don't/won't care that you raised your voice that one time with her during an argument. Be a good dad, keep your nose clean, and never back away from 50/50. Judges want kids to equally spend time with BOTH parents.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks for all the quick replies - this really helps.

            She makes more money than me by I would say a lot so how does CS work in this case. Let's say the arrangement is 60/40 vs 50/50. What impact does this have?

            This is all new and fresh to me. I really can't afford to have a long drawn out battle. I would like to take my chances by getting an assessment through the courts. Like I said, I am not a deadbeat - I cook, clean, laundry, drop-off and pick up kids, take them to appointments and other events. They mean everything to me!

            This super sucks!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by SingleDad2Kids View Post
              She makes more money than me by I would say a lot so how does CS work in this case. Let's say the arrangement is 60/40 vs 50/50. What impact does this have?
              If you do not have 50/50 offset you will pay cs based on your income.

              I really can't afford to have a long drawn out battle. I would like to take my chances by getting an assessment through the courts. Like I said, I am not a deadbeat - I cook, clean, laundry, drop-off and pick up kids, take them to appointments and other events. They mean everything to me!

              It doesn’t necessarily have to be. Tell her you will not accept anything but equal time with the children. Period. Don’t fight, don’t argue, don’t engage. Continue to do what you do and ignore her. Expect she will play games, be nice and then evil, try to trap you into saying something, secretly video you, leave with the kids etc. Do not buy into it. Keep repeating it “Our children deserve equal time with both parents”. That is your response to everything.

              By filing something quickly to get it worked out you set it in place that you share time. And remember too it is not access it is parenting time. You are equal parents and the kids deserve equal time with you both.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by SingleDad2Kids View Post
                we want to do this amicably except we cannot agree on a custody arrangement
                Others have said it, but just to reiterate: I would not expect this to be amicable.

                She makes more money than me by I would say a lot
                Yeah, there is almost chance of this being amicable unless you completely capitulate.

                so how does CS work in this case. Let's say the arrangement is 60/40 vs 50/50. What impact does this have?
                1. There is no reason you should have anything less than 50%. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not on your side.

                2. Assuming that you somehow decided that the mom is a better parent than you and you agreed to a 60/40 schedule, it will make all the difference in the world in terms of child support.

                2A) At 50/50, she will pay you child support, probably a lot.

                2B) At 40/60, while in theory she could end up paying you child support, the more likely result is that you will pay her table child support.


                I really can't afford to have a long drawn out battle.
                It sounds like you are trying to proactively defend giving up.

                If you do not get 50% now, you will NEVER get 50%. This is it. This is your one shot for all time. It cannot be undone.

                If you have less than 50%, then your percentage will likely drop over time. You will lose your kids.

                This forum is littered with fathers who decided that they would fight later because they could not afford a long drawn out battle and have huge regrets.

                If you don't love your kids enough to fight for 50%, then even the math makes it worth it. You will lose far far more in child support than you will ever spend on a lawyer. So, if it is not for the kids, then fight for your own financial well-being.

                Don't forget to include child tax benefits when calculating the opportunity cost of not getting the kids. Seriously, lawyers are cheap compared to the money you are contemplating giving up.

                I would like to take my chances by getting an assessment through the courts.
                An assessment of what?

                Like I said, I am not a deadbeat - I cook, clean, laundry, drop-off and pick up kids, take them to appointments and other events. They mean everything to me!
                If you accept less than 50%, then you are a deadbeat. Don't fuck your kids over by being that type of dad who runs when the going gets tough. They need you now. Be a dad, fight for your kids.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Please don’t get a court assessment. Don’t even suggest it. Court appointed custody assessors are another level of money sucking vultures altogether and I say this as a mother who the assessor agreed should have sole custody.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Further, an assessment will add ONE year of delay into your case as everything will be put on hold until assessment is undertaken and a report is produced. You think that 1 year will result in a massive, thorough report? Nope! A few interviews with you and your ex, a site visit of the homes, and phone calls with your doctor, all to write an 8 page fluff report. You will delay your case for over a year for nothing. Perhaps the report will be favourable to you. Doesn’t matter, as your ex will be upset and disregard the report, saying it’s flawed and biased. You will then find yourself at a settlement conference in 1.5 years to tell judge you still disagree with one another on parenting time. If your ex won’t negotiate a settlement immediately, the best way to settle is an approaching trial date.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thanks everyone for your input. It is not what I was hoping to hear but I assume that most (or all) of you unfortunately have experience with this. I just needed to know what I was in for.

                      Does anyone have tips for improving my chances. I know someone said to attend classes for Parenting after Divorce. Can anyone provide guidance on where I can find these resources?

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                      • #12
                        Also, has anyone gone the mediation route? Did it work, are there any tips to share?

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                        • #13
                          SD2K, you really need to sit with a lawyer who can give you advice based on the facts of your case. Users on this site can only speak in generalities, which is like getting medical advice from webMD.

                          Even if you can’t afford full representation, spend money for an hour or two, it will likely save you tons in the long run.

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                          • #14
                            An assessment report may cost upwards of 15,000.00. As above, it may take a year to complete the report. If your ex and their lawyer delay even a few months past this year, guess what? The report becomes stale dated and you will have to pay for an updated report which means more delay and charge Ching... more money out of your pocket. My lawyer calls these reports expensive toilet paper!

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                            • #15
                              I'm going to disagree with stillbreathing in a qualified manner.

                              Assessments are expensive (true) and sometimes useless depending on the facts of your case. There are circumstances where an assessment might be valuable such as:

                              - Where the status quo is not your goal, but you have no other way to argue for a change;
                              - Where the children want more time with you, but there's no way to reliably put that evidence before the court;
                              - Where you are confident the other parent will 'not do well' in an assessment because of their attitude/beliefs/mental health/lack of parenting insight; or
                              - When $15,000 +++ is nothing to you.

                              Comment

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