Slightly Off-Topic

[Pursuinghappiness]

Sorry for the slightly off-topic post, however, I just recently had an updated health exam and I wanted to ask if any of you other posters have noticed a significant health & well-being increase since deciding to divorce?

Since being in my own home, I've noticed obviously my anxiety level has majorly decreased but also, everything else related to my health has improved beyond belief. I'm a vegetarian (working on going vegan) so I generally cook a lot at home anyway but its so much easier lately. Also, I've always worked out 4-5 days a week but now I'm enjoying it in a whole new way.

I've also always managed pretty good metrics for blood pressure, hdl/ldl, etc but for the first time in a long time, my blood results came back today with no vitamin deficiencies whatsoever. I used to have a lot of trouble with that. I was on iron and vitamin supplements for years.

I also notice I'm sleeping sooooo much better. I mean literally better than I have in years. I wake up actually feeling refreshed. I went years having terrible sleep. I would have issues with insomnia and anxiety at sleep time constantly.

Its just strange...my skin, hair, nails are all nicer. I just feel a lot better in pretty much every way. Not to mention the feeling of just generally contentment and happiness since I left the marital home.

I've had numerous comments in the past year or so about the change in both my appearance and mood...but I'm starting to realize how much my crappy marriage and angry ex was actually starting to wear me down. In fact, I think staying in that marriage would have made me seriously ill with time.

(I'll leave the comments about my sex life out but I think that's helping a lot too...LOL!)

On a funny note, he's not doing nearly as well with his BP...it was never good but its at dangerous levels now. I guess all that bitterness and anger is toxic. I'm very thankful that I'm no longer around it.

I've said it many times before and I'll say it once more. Besides having children, getting divorced was the best thing I've ever done in my adult life!

Be glad to hear if the non-troll posters have observed the same improvements in their health and outlook.

[FB_]

For me all things but stress and sleep are doing better.

I have my annual physical next week. We shall see how it goes.

Last year at this time I had lost 30lbs and my blood pressure went from 135/97 to 108/76.

I weighed in this morning at 201 (a loss of 66 lbs) almost to my 199 goal and my body fat % went from 36% to 27.9%.

I was literally so depressed in my marriage I would just sit watch tv and eat and drink so much crap.

I honestly can't tell you how much more energy I have now that I'm at the gym and active as I can be, although it sounds like you already know.

Once I can drop some more stress I'm guessing i'll feel even better.

[DowntroddenDad]

Well let me chime in.

Sleeping better? OMG, yes yes yes!!! My ex had sleep issues, and I didn't realize how it hurt my sleep till I went on my own.

Eating - My ex made a lot of comfort food and I've been more disciplined about it. I lost 60 lbs, but I admit I've gained a few back.

General demanor? I am becoming the guy I used to be before marriage - making friends, being outgoing. I have eliminated much stress, and I don't get angry at little things anymore (or big things either truth be told).

I dress better. I laugh more. I enjoy life more.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Wow FB...congratulations..that's awesome!

I'm really surprised you're doing so well since you're still in the house with your ex...for me, that was actually the very worst time. I think it just goes to show that once you're out of there, how great life is going to be.

During my in-home separation, although I lost weight, for obvious reasons...I was sooo anxious and paranoid. I barely slept...I used to really worry about my safety. Also, my ex was pretty much stalking me and going daily through my things...so watching in my rearview mirror, worrying about my kids, having to bring all my things with me when I left, etc...was taking a major toll. And I was often too tired to bother working out.

I also LOATHED working out when I was married. I think it was partially because I wanted to be personally healthy but didn't want my ex to think I was trying to "look good" for him. I went through a lot of years of him sexually harrassing me. Now I am getting back that feeling of loving working out again especially the weight training. Its hard but fun. And I enjoying seeing the progress.

I gave up drinking red wine last year too...which used to be my favorite weekend thing to make myself feel a little better. I'd have a couple of glasses of wine and it would dull the anxiety. The only problem was that it would also upset my stomach the next day. So now that I don't have as much anxiety, it was pretty easy to just stop buying the bottle when I go grocery shopping.

My doctor asked me a bunch of questions today about what I was doing differently because she was pleasantly surprised today too. When I told her, she said that she sees this dynamic a lot. People in bad marriages who are nearly at death's door with their blood pressure and health metrics....get divorced and a year or two later, they're literally new people.

I think there's probably nothing more unhealthy than staying in a toxic relationship.

Kudos to you on the weight loss, etc...that's amazing!!!

[Pursuinghappiness]

Well let me chime in.

Sleeping better? OMG, yes yes yes!!! My ex had sleep issues, and I didn't realize how it hurt my sleep till I went on my own.

Eating - My ex made a lot of comfort food and I've been more disciplined about it. I lost 60 lbs, but I admit I've gained a few back.

General demanor? I am becoming the guy I used to be before marriage - making friends, being outgoing. I have eliminated much stress, and I don't get angry at little things anymore (or big things either truth be told).

I dress better. I laugh more. I enjoy life more.

Congratulations to you too Downtrodden!

You know, I just realized that I've been dressing better too now that you mention it. I don't wear black every single day...lol.

[DowntroddenDad]

One of my previous GF's gets some credit. She forced me to purge all my fat clothes. I didn't have much choice but to update my wardrobe. She also encouraged me to buy stuff that was closer fitting. She did take me shopping a couple of times, but I always chose my own stuff (my kids like the stuff I buy for them too).

As for what I was wearing before Oink, similar clothes, larger sizes, looser fit, hanging on to old clothes.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Downtrodden:

Finding a new partner with a similar lifestyle certainly helps.

My ex was a big meat eater, not that I minded cooking it. My kids eat meat too but I never ate meals with them. My new partner only eats vegetarian meals when he's with me so we get to eat together which is nice.

My ex walked everywhere and that was his only workout. I like to take walks but its not the way I exercise. So we never exercised together...he wasn't into doing workout cardio and never lifted weights/kettlebells, etc. My new partner works out when I workout. Although obviously he's a guy so he works out different than the way I do...its nice to have a partner to workout with and he's a runner so I took up running this year so I can go with him (can't say that I'm a huge fan...I still think running sucks since I'm tall and I can't yack when I do it but I'm up to 5 miles...5 very long, quiet miles).

Its just a wonderful change to be with someone who supports you and enjoys your company and it definitely helps to give you a new perspective on life.

[BitHunter]

the divorce is (almost) always good. What messes things up is the court and the stupid laws. I'm in better shape then ever, enjoying life (mostly responsibly), doing things which were unimaginable while I was married. Discovered the joy of ballet, art exhibits, winter sports, beach vacations, live concerts, small venue jazz music. All these were impossible before. But time to time my ex sh*ts into my life, and it takes a few months to have her fixed by the judge. And this up-and-down never ends, as we have a 9year old daughter. We will never be really divorced. (((

[hadenough]

There's a lot I don't remember about life with my ex. Just that I hated it. I looked forward to Mondays (the work week) and detested the arrival of weekends.

Now (single) - I'm the opposite. I do work out much more and in so many ways life is better. My big problem is financial. If I can get a handle on/more control of that I imagine I'll be in a pretty good mood.

PH: clearly you have found a partner that you are very compatible with Having things in common and activities that you both enjoy is a big plus. Knowing you will never again be stifled in a bad relationship ever again, is cause for celebration for any of us who will choose more wisely, if/when the opportunity rolls our way.

Personally, I am not ready for a relationship. I'd find it too demanding and I've become used to being single. I like it. Now if I could just win the lottery!!

[Pursuinghappiness]

There's a lot I don't remember about life with my ex. Just that I hated it. I looked forward to Mondays (the work week) and detested the arrival of weekends.

I remember tensing up every single day when I knew he was going to walk in after work...because every day, he was angry and rude.

I still have moments of remembering that when he comes to pick up the kidlet and jams on my doorbell 10 times in a row. (If she doesn't come out fast enough, I get treated to it twice).

Personally, I am not ready for a relationship. I'd find it too demanding and I've become used to being single. I like it. Now if I could just win the lottery!!

Being single can definitely be a lot of fun. I have weeks alone since my new partner lives out of the country so I get a bit of that and it leaves a lot of time to just relax and reflect.

I think the worst hardship about divorce is obviously the financial adjustment that many have to go through after. It seems so many people get divorced because the debt, incur far more trying to divorce and never really dig out of the hole left behind. My beef with that is that its my ex who's really ramping up the legal bills and yet I'm stuck having to do the same to keep up with the proceedings.

Luckily, karma is a b*tch. Regardless of what he tries...I'm going to be happy, take care of my kids, and do my best to live well.

(by the way, I'm buying us a lottery ticket this weekend!)

[Pursuinghappiness]

Discovered the joy of ballet, art exhibits, winter sports, beach vacations, live concerts, small venue jazz music.

I love jazz...now I actually have someone to go with! And I've discovered boating. We're actually going to buy one and I can't wait. I've lived on the lakes my whole life and never really enjoyed them.

But time to time my ex sh*ts into my life, and it takes a few months to have her fixed by the judge. And this up-and-down never ends, as we have a 9year old daughter. We will never be really divorced. (((

All things end...even that will...wait until the kids get older. They start voting with their feet, believe me.

I think the best thing about getting divorced is having dreams again. Actually making plans for a future I wouldn't have had had I stayed married.

Having dreams and aspirations about the future is a wonderful thing!

[DowntroddenDad]

That can be obstacles in finding happiness with your potential new partner. Obviously you are stuck with the drama for another 9yrs or more, but there will be light atthe end of the tunnel, and am sure when it comes to switching it off, it will be with great pleasure

I think for most of us guys though, one thing we have learned (hopefully for everyone) is that NO MORE JOINT ACCOUNTS

I think everyone, married or single, has baggage, it accumulates over time. I think the issue is how you deal with it.

You can chose to not let the drama get to you. You can chose to focus on your kids, your future, your new partner. You can chose to not let the ex get under your skin. I am not for a moment saying its easy. But things can get better.

My ex was nasty and bitter during the process. Now we are divorced, and we don't have issues to fight over, and she has met someone new, we are able to be civil. She even sent me a note about an art exhibit she thought I would like, and thanked me for sharing my music with her.

[stripes]

My health improved significantly since we separated. In the months leading up to my moving out, I had almost completely stopped eating, except for a couple of pieces of fruit a day (it's amazing how long your body can keep going on minimal calories!) because anything else made me nauseated. I still remember the first "real" food I ate immediately after signing the lease for my separation apartment - just chickpea curry, naan and mint lassi from an Indian kiosk in a food court, but it tasted so good! All in all, I lost about 50 pounds, of which 15 have returned for an extended visit - but I'm still two dress sizes smaller than I was during the marriage.

I also get sick much less - haven't missed a day of work or had anything more significant than a cold since I moved out, while in the last year of the marriage, I had all kinds of nonspecific aches and pains - difficulty breathing, nausea, dizziness, classic stress signs. I used to get migraines about once a month which would last for a couple of days; now I get them about once every couple of months and they last for a couple of hours. I'm healthier in every possible way. I've gotten a lot of compliments on how "energetic" and "youthful" I look - although I think they may just mean "thin". I feel younger than my years, have become much more physically active with martial arts, hiking and yoga than ever before.

I re-entered the world of dating about a year and a half after separating - not without much nervousness - and all worked out well; I'm in a solid and respectful relationship with a wonderful man (who also had a miserable divorce, so he "gets it" - but also gives me a good model for how to go through these things and not end up bitter and twisted). My friendships are stronger, I've reconnected with my church, and most important, my daughter seems to be doing okay with having two homes, although with some bumps and resentments when her father remarried pretty quickly out of the gate. I'm still not at a point where I can contemplate remarrying, although it's been discussed with the man in my life, and for my daughter's sake I'm not in any hurry to bring more big changes her way.

Writing this out, I realize that my life has actually gotten so much better after the divorce. It's sometime had to remember this when in the trenches dealing with the ranting abusive emails and the weird attempts at legal maneuvering from the ex. I would love to be able to (mentally) shrink him down to his proper proportions and just not think about any of this, but unfortunately divorce mess has a way of expanding to fill mental and emotional space that could better be used for other purposes.

I remember saying to my best friend the year after I separated that I thought I was moving into a phase of reconstituting my life, after more than 20 years of marriage and slowly being turned into someone I didn't want to be. I said then I figured it would probably take about five years after ending the marriage before I had my good life worked out. I'm about halfway through those years and although there are plenty of dark days and ongoing wrangles, I am definitely in an upward spiral.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Stripes:

Thank you...that was nice to read.

I met my new partner literally right after I separated...it was surprising. I tend to be a bit of a loner..and I HATE dating.

He had been separated a few more months than I had...already moved out since his children are older. And the thing that really cemented our relationship was going through the trials and tribulations of early divorce together (although his was mediated and finished in a year)...but more importantly, it was watching what kind of man he was in divorce.

If you really, really want to know someone...watch them in a divorce!

Throughout the entire thing...he never badmouthed his ex-wife to his kids...ever. Despite the fact, that she worked very very hard to ruin his relationship with them by fabricating nonsense. He let her vent to him without losing his temper because she was having a hard time. And most importantly, he really worried about being financially fair to her. He even helped her to buy a new house long before they had settled and moved back into the marital home (totally emptied out....he let her have everything) until it sold....because she wanted to start her new life. Their relationship now is pretty cordial and she was very gracious and kind to me when I met her.

He's supported me throughout my divorce in every possible way...including through a very long and traumatic in-home separation and constantly reinforces me "taking the high road"..despite all the antagonism from my ex. Following his lead has ensured that I make it through this whole process as unscathed as possible.

I agree with you on the re-marriage topic too. I'm not sure I see the point in re-marrying when you're not planning to have children together. Why bother? Although I will admit calling someone my "boyfriend" seems a little ridiculous in your 40s.

Thank you for the post! It was very uplifting to read.

[wretchedotis]

Stripes:

...but more importantly, it was watching what kind of man he was in divorce.

If you really, really want to know someone...watch them in a divorce!

A little tidbit for the trolls?
Excellent perspective.