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  #1  
Old 01-18-2021, 02:32 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Default How did Divorce affect your friendships?

I'm at "that age"- where divorces are starting to pop up in my friendship circles like casual botox...and I'm starting to feel like it's a bit like current politics- i.e. *very* polarizing.

I know many people lose friends in the midst of a divorce because people take sides.

But aside from the division of friends- has divorce affected your friendships because of your viewpoint?

I'm thinking of issues like 'automatic assumption of shared parenting' - and child support payments, etc.
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Old 01-18-2021, 04:09 PM
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Default How did Divorce affect your friendships?

Ha! My husband is not allowed to speak to one of his oldest friends because the friends wife decided after a million years that she liked his ex and wanted to be friends. That led to a big blow out with them that none of their other friends understand and my husband being sad.

I will say my mom lost a few friends due to her ongoing hatred for my father. They got sick of listening to her.

And my husbands kids dislike me for taking his side (for real) and for saying shit like alienation.

ETA: I cant stand his one friend for various reasons one of which is because he quit working to avoid paying child support. Said friend is not a fan of me for making my husband take responsibility which he was doing already but that friend thinks hes right and Im wrong.
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Old 01-18-2021, 04:20 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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.

I will say my mom lost a few friends due to her ongoing hatred for my father. They got sick of listening to her.
I'm kinda in that space with one of my best friends since high school. Her ex was also one of my closest friends. He did her wrong in some truly awful ways (ex. cheating with prostitutes)....but there's so much more to their story.

And she has basically told me she wants nothing to do with me because of her hatred for her ex. I said her kids should be 50/50 with their dad- and at minimum she should consider seeing a coparent therapist. I just got tired of her anger being directed at me- and excusing her shitty behaviour towards me because "she was going through something really hard". Which- to be fair, she really is. Her ex- on top of cheating with a series of SWs- is now trans.
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Old 01-18-2021, 04:33 PM
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I'm kinda in that space with one of my best friends since high school. Her ex was also one of my closest friends. He did her wrong in some truly awful ways (ex. cheating with prostitutes)....but there's so much more to their story.

And she has basically told me she wants nothing to do with me because of her hatred for her ex. I said her kids should be 50/50 with their dad- and at minimum she should consider seeing a coparent therapist. I just got tired of her anger being directed at me- and excusing her shitty behaviour towards me because "she was going through something really hard". Which- to be fair, she really is. Her ex- on top of cheating with a series of SWs- is now trans.

Ya thats a mess. She sounds like she could use therapy and Im sure a lot of her negativity comes from her anger, hurt and resentment. By acting that way she deprives her kids of their other parent. I am sure it wasnt easy for her ex to live his life and try to figure it out. Im not saying thats right but he probably struggled.

I will say though that I find my friendships change and sometimes die over time. I had one friend who refused to accept that she would never be anything but the other woman in a relationship (AFFAIR!) she was having. She then also got depressed, refused to do anything about it and was SO difficult to be friends with. I had to cut that one loose.

As for my husband, his friends wife was his friend too but she went nuts when all this shit happened and instead of considering where his feelings were coming from, she chose to concern herself with him telling her her behaviour hurt him. Zero empathy.

As people age you really see their true personality and how well they cope. Sometimes it takes a toll on the friendships around you. I make an effort to talk it out but for some relationships, they just arent salvageable when the other person cannot work with you.
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Old 01-19-2021, 11:54 PM
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I lost nearly all my friends in my divorce, for a variety of reasons; them trying to remain friends with my ex despite his terrible behaviour towards me, discovering that some of them were cheaters or affair partners, and them just not being supportive when I was suddenly abandoned into single parenthood.

Of course, since then, I've discovered it's monumentally hard to make new friends when you have next to no spare time.

My viewpoint is that I have integrity and loyalty, and I'm not going to waste my valuable self on friends who do not.

Going through any horrible upheaval in life, you really learn who your true friends are.
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Old 01-20-2021, 10:30 AM
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Of course, since then, I've discovered it's monumentally hard to make new friends when you have next to no spare time.
Its not just that. I moved to a new city at 30 and discovered just how crazy hard it was to make new friends. One that I met through work I joked that we should ride bikes or play barbies and she knew exactly what I was talking about!
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Old 01-20-2021, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
I lost nearly all my friends in my divorce, for a variety of reasons; them trying to remain friends with my ex despite his terrible behaviour towards me, discovering that some of them were cheaters or affair partners, and them just not being supportive when I was suddenly abandoned into single parenthood.

Of course, since then, I've discovered it's monumentally hard to make new friends when you have next to no spare time.

My viewpoint is that I have integrity and loyalty, and I'm not going to waste my valuable self on friends who do not.

Going through any horrible upheaval in life, you really learn who your true friends are.
I'm curious- and you don't have to answer- but this sounds so much like what my friend must be thinking about me right now. ...disloyal to want to stay in contact with her ex at all.

why did your friends want to stay connected to your ex? Aside from the skank-ass-ho's that might have been cheating with him.

Also- in terms of terrible behaviour- was it something that is unforgiveable?

The reason I ask is that my friends ex (call her H)- H did some truly shitty things in terms of being a bad husband. Cheated, lied, etc...fundamentally he wasn't mean to her though- and was a great dad and has continued to be that. He apologized and sought help for his destructive behaviour (he was diagnosed with ADHD and depression...and came out as trans)- all this lead me to want to continue my friendship with him.

My friend- S- at the beginning of their split told me I could not continue the friendship and I understood where she was coming from....but two years on, I felt different. I wonder if I am being disloyal. But ultimately- I did have a relationship with H since I was 14 as well. It's hard to cut off someone you regard as family.
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Old 01-20-2021, 07:54 PM
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I'm curious- and you don't have to answer- but this sounds so much like what my friend must be thinking about me right now. ...disloyal to want to stay in contact with her ex at all.

why did your friends want to stay connected to your ex? Aside from the skank-ass-ho's that might have been cheating with him.

Also- in terms of terrible behaviour- was it something that is unforgiveable?

The reason I ask is that my friends ex (call her H)- H did some truly shitty things in terms of being a bad husband. Cheated, lied, etc...fundamentally he wasn't mean to her though- and was a great dad and has continued to be that. He apologized and sought help for his destructive behaviour (he was diagnosed with ADHD and depression...and came out as trans)- all this lead me to want to continue my friendship with him.

My friend- S- at the beginning of their split told me I could not continue the friendship and I understood where she was coming from....but two years on, I felt different. I wonder if I am being disloyal. But ultimately- I did have a relationship with H since I was 14 as well. It's hard to cut off someone you regard as family.

Sounds like your friend is questioning your loyalty. You do whats best for you. In my opinion, why does she think people should abandon him when he is clearly going through a major upheaval in his life? A lot of his actions were directly related to his feelings and confusion. Abandoning him will impact that and could drive him to suicide. Would she want her kids to not have their other parent in their lives? That is pretty selfish!

(I say he to reduce confusion, I am not trying to disrespect her transition.)


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Old 01-21-2021, 10:57 AM
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"Friends" in legal disputes come and go. Generally one party will try to gather negative advocates to support their side.

But, lies and falsehoods often cannot withstand the test of time. If someone in a legal dispute gathers up the friends in a few years most of the "friends" will have figured it out and moved on. The great negative advocacy and support dries up and those friendships often dry up too for the party who gathered them.

We are seeing this play out in the media right now with the QAnon folks.

https://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/...-duped-vpx.cnn

https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/interne...n-day-n1255002

An extreme example but, a similar pattern to "negative advocates" in legal disputes. A high conflict person can orchestrate the lies for only so long. They can get their negative advocates to act on and do crazy stuff. But, eventually the truth will dissolve most of their "friends" when the realize it is all a lie.

"Lies have short legs... They won't get you that far."

Most high conflict people that engage in a "War of the Roses" end up friendless at the end. They either figure it out and move forward or they mull in their own anger alone...

Relationships built on lies don't last.
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Old 02-14-2021, 06:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
I'm curious- and you don't have to answer- but this sounds so much like what my friend must be thinking about me right now. ...disloyal to want to stay in contact with her ex at all.

why did your friends want to stay connected to your ex? Aside from the skank-ass-ho's that might have been cheating with him.

Also- in terms of terrible behaviour- was it something that is unforgiveable?

The reason I ask is that my friends ex (call her H)- H did some truly shitty things in terms of being a bad husband. Cheated, lied, etc...fundamentally he wasn't mean to her though- and was a great dad and has continued to be that. He apologized and sought help for his destructive behaviour (he was diagnosed with ADHD and depression...and came out as trans)- all this lead me to want to continue my friendship with him.

My friend- S- at the beginning of their split told me I could not continue the friendship and I understood where she was coming from....but two years on, I felt different. I wonder if I am being disloyal. But ultimately- I did have a relationship with H since I was 14 as well. It's hard to cut off someone you regard as family.
Sorry for the delay; I don't visit often anymore and had trouble logging in!

My ex cheated, and yes, I consider that unforgiveable. He was a liar and a user, and extremely selfish. I did the bulk of the work in the marriage (chores, earning, parenting, etc) while he gallivanted off doing whatever he wanted. Eventually, that included having a girlfriend, and doubling down on the lies and double life after I found out and wanted him to stop.

So after we broke up and started all the legal separation crap, I tried to lean on my best friend for emotional support, and she was the first to give me the "things end, I'll stay friends with both of you," line. Then she told me she was an affair partner during her spouse's previous marriage, which I hadn't known before.

Aside from her, we had met most of our mutual friends through hobbies we shared, hobbies I no longer had time for after becoming a truly single parent. The friends apparently valued either continuing the hobby, or my ex's company, more than they valued my company. None of them offered me assistance or support, or reached out to me to see how I was doing. I suspect that since my ex continued in the hobby while I had grown infrequent after having kids meant that they considered him the primary friend, not to mention it gave him opportunity to spin the narrative that "we grew apart" or "she was crazy" or whatever it is that cheaters use explain the end of their relationships. I'm sure he wasn't honest about being the bad guy!

In the end though, I just couldn't be around anybody that condoned cheating, anybody who thought that was an acceptable way for someone to treat the person they had vowed to protect above all. Cheating is basically emotional abuse. So to not side with the victim of the abuse but instead offer equal support to the abuser, doesn't make the victim want to remain friends, you know? At that point in my life, I needed to surround myself with people who were 100% on my side. As I recovered, I felt that if they weren't there for me when I needed the most, why shouldn't I let those friendship go?

I suspect that's what your friend is feeling. Her husband was shitty to her. To continue to remain friends with him sends her the message that you support that awful behaviour. That probably won't change over time for her.

I wouldn't remain friends with someone who abused their children, I wouldn't remain friends with someone who embezzled from their company, and I wouldn't remain friends with someone who cheated on their spouse. And I would seriously judge someone who DID choose to remain friends with that type of person.

It has nothing to do with depression, having ADHD, or being trans. It has everything to do with having integrity and treating people with respect. This person could have told their spouse what they were going through, been honest and loving about it, and probably been supported by her, but instead they lied and cheated, which IS being mean.

TLDR - When one of your friends victimizes the other, you can't remain friends with both.
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