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  • Saga

    Hi. I find myself recently thrown into this world. I am 31, my husband is 35 and we have a 4 year old daughter, married for 5 years. We've had our share of fighting over the years. Two weekends ago he went out, stayed out all night long until 2 pm the following day. Finally returned home acting all angry at ME. It has been a longstanding problem, him going out drinking all night. I of course staying at home with our child, I go out maybe once every 6 months. I was so fed up I left for the night to sleep at my mother's home. The following day I returned and when he came home from work he said "I'm leaving. I don't love you anymore.' The end. LEFT. I told him he didn't have to go, he could stay here, he said nothing could make him change his mind. Fast forward a week. Came over to tell me, right in front of our child about his NEW girlfriend! Says it's only been going on about a week, so not 'while we were still married.' I said to him, WE ARE still married and as far as I know this still counts as adultery. Our daughter was traumatized by his sudden departure from the family and she would wail at night for Daddy, which hurt me SO terribly, and he accused me of making her feel that way. I have been a stay at home mother for the majority of the time except for the last year I worked part time unti lI hurt my back, and my doctor and I were working on filing a disability claim for herniated discs. He makes between 60-80 000 a year during our marriage and acted like he could not support the family. Now he is going to a lawyer and filing for divorce, he says. He just wants to move on all in a big rush. I have an appt. with FLIC on June 9th. I'm so curious as to what his lawyer could say. 'Um, I walked out on my wife and kid and I'm having an affair.' ??? I told him the only way to speed up things would be to admit to the adultery or else a years separation is the only way to go. It's like he has lost his mind. We both have known that we haven't been happy for the last couple of years, but I was not at all prepared for this sudden jumping ship/girlfriend/I don't love you insanity. I'm at the house, he moved to his sisters basement. (She has 2 kids & also getting a divorce.) I made copies of all the bank records etc today and could see he's been wining and dining the new chick at the Keg, bars etc. while I am here taking care of our kid alone. It's so deplorable! He said "You can have the house,' the thing is, he's really not all that bright, he knows nothing about how any of this works! Financially we are broke, negative equity in the house, stupid brand new leased car,
    Up til 2 weeks ago we were talking about painting the house, making love, watching telly together in the evenings chatting about the day. Then BLAM!
    As much as I don't want this to be happening, he is being such a total and complete freakish stranger to me, I would never take him back. It feels as final as a death, he's killed it. Wow. He was very smug and pleased when he told me about 'Tina' who by the way is also married. I'm so grossed out.
    And as far as parenting is concerned, he barely lifted a finger. Never changed a diaper, never gave her a bath, never put her to bed, worked 7 days a week 12 hours a day then out to party! I am quite business savvy so that is all I can hold on to, I just can't believe that our love turned to such poison and it's just the tip of the iceberg! Any thoughts, help, reassurance, legal tips?

  • #2
    go to legal aid (800-668-8258 or Legal Aid Ontario - Aide Juridique Ontario), get the certificate, take him to court for child and spousal support and all costs, try for sole custday

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    • #3
      LEGALLY: You are in a good position to bend this guy over. Seriously. You will almost certainly get sole custody and a significant amount of spousal support, plus child support. You are doing well to copy all documentation and get legal advice. It's a very difficult time for you right now but STAY FOCUSED. The decisions you make in the next few months will greatly impact your life and your child's life going forward. Lawyer up (you will probably qualify for legal aid) and go after him right away.

      EMOTIONALLY: This is a heart-breaking situation for you but sadly it's very common. One partner cheats (he did, trust me) then runs away from all his problems to be with the new person. He'll be very happy about the situation for awhile until reality slaps him in the face - and believe me, it will. In the meantime, you need to try and focus on your child. Insulate her from the messy divorce stuff as much as possible, but talk to her about how she's feeling about all this. Kids blame themselves, so you need to be mindful of this. For you, it's easy to get bitter about a situation like this - especially with a new partner involved - but try not to indulge this too much. You're allowed to be angry and sad and hurt and confused because these are all emotions you need to let in to get through all this. Just make sure that the decisions you make are made by your brain, not your heart. If you're all wound up, take a few minutes to relax and then think about what you are going to do with a clear head. Most importantly, start doing things for YOU. I'm not saying dating, but surely there are things you've wanted to do before and couldn't. The earlier you start looking at splitting as an opportunity rather than a punishment, the better you will be.

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      • #4
        Thanks so much for your sound advice. I have qualified for Legal Aid and will receive the certificate this week. I am putting sole custody at the TOP of the list. He seems to think we are just going to hash all of this out ourselves. You know, I'm a generous person but COME ON! I'm not a total idiot!
        I really do agree about the fact that reality is going to be hitting him one day not too far from now about what this is really all about, this Divorce stuff. iT's no walk in the park. He is so uninformed he thought we could have the same lawyer AND he cannot at all grasp the concept of the Matrimonial home, regardless of the fact that he owned the home before we were married. It's been one day at a time. I've been able to deal fairly well tho sometimes I am very angry and have insomnia (Up at 4 every morning obsessively going over it) I've had an interesting life so far, and I feel strong enough. I've bawled, raged, even thrown up! I am also a child of divorce and see how my own parents were able to find success and happiness after their difficult marriage ended. Still, laws are laws and I need to make them work for me. thanks again!

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