Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Punishments carrying over

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Punishments carrying over

    Maybe it is just us, but does anyone else experience issues with the other parent imposing punishments on the kids and expecting them to always be carried over? I understand the importance of co-parenting and supporting the other parent however it always seems when we have the kids for an extended period of time, all the sudden they are being punished for something.

    At Christmas, my partner received a text from his ex stating that S9 was grounded from all electronics for the entire Christmas break. She knew full well we bougth his sister an ipod (he already had one) and they always played a certian game on his, so now they could play together. She expected us to stick to the punishment of no electronics. We did, but it ment he wasn't able to play with his sister, or watch his new movie.

    Tonight he gets a text saying son was once again grounded from all electronics for all of March Break. We have the kids for March break, so once again she is imposing a punishment that directly affects our time. THe kids don't spend a huge amount of time on their electronics and we have a few outtings planned, but it is rather frustrating that she imposes these punishments on our time.

    My partner responded to his ex and stated that this is the last time we would stick to her punishment that effects his parenting time, unless she discusses it with him in advance. If she wants to co-parent he feels he should be involved in the decisions. She responded with a rant about how she can't always keep him in the loop and he needs to co-parent with her and not work against her.

    What would you do in this situation? Just an fyi, this exact thing happened twice in the summer, right before our weeks with the children. He wants to co-parent and be a united front with her, but she would never follow through on any punishment he imposed.

    S9 was punished with this because he told his Mom he put all his clothes in the laundry room and it turns out he had an outfit behind his door he didn't take.

  • #2
    Coparenoting goes both ways, it's not her dictating and him following her orders. Perhaps they need to have a conversation about what types of consequences they think are appropriate and agreeable to both of them so they know ahead of time what to expect if there is an issue.

    Dad does have the right to disagree about punishments he feels don't fit the "crime", IMO, grounding for the whole March break for forgetting a couple if pieces of laundry is extreme and i would have a serious problem being on board with enforcing this in my home. But if dad agrees that is his choice....CHOICE...he is not obligated.

    Comment


    • #3
      hmmm wonder if she is just doing this to wreck the march break like she did the Christmas break?

      If the punishment isn't fitting the crime then maybe its a case keep the punishment to only her house. I am certain the child did something terrible then you would be on board with the mother with the punishment.

      if you already limit the electronics use to a certain amount of time that is less that what she allows I would counter with that if she says anything.

      Comment


      • #4
        I definitely would NOT be on board for what you have described. Clothes behind his bedroom door? Good lord someone needs to lighten up...IMO. I would NOT ruin everyone's March break because of this. That would be a shame

        Comment


        • #5
          Yeah, around these parts, forgetting some of the laundry is NOT worth loss of electronics for a week. It definitely sounds like she's trying to make the kids' time at Dad's less fun. You'd think she'd just not let him bring the iPod, but it sounds like she sends it and just tells you not to let him play on it? Way to make Dad look like the bad guy.

          I would say that Dad sets punishment for his house, and Mom at hers. If she wants it to be a week without electronics, it can be one day at her house, March Break under Dad's rules, and then the remaining six days start up when back at Mom's.

          However, I would try to support the idea that there are logical consequences at both homes. If he's consistently missing clothes in the laundry at Mom's for example, maybe you could insist that he help with laundry while he's at your house.

          Comment


          • #6
            We do not carry over punishments from mom's. Then again, we'd likely not be told about them either. These are small infractions anyhow. Why not let mom decide what to do about it? She can impose whatever consequences she wants when kid is with her.... if it were serious like skipping school or a fight at school, that would be different. But what you describe are breaches of house rules, which do not necessarily pertain to your house.

            Further more, consider a reversed view of how to move forward: instead of removing privileges for bad/negative behaviours, implement a reward system and have them earn the right to use electronics etc. We have found this small distinction to make a huge difference in our kids. They literally earn everything they do/have. Some things are almost effortless and others require a bit more effort.

            Comment


            • #7
              Punishments should only carry over if a) it is agreed upon before hand or b) a minor infraction like no TV for the day.

              Any sort of extended punishment should be discussed prior to imposing the punishment if it carries over. The ex isn't co-parenting in this instance, they are dictating. Co-parenting requires discussion and consensus. They are brushing off their obligation to seek consensus by saying they don't always have time. If they don't have time to seek the other parents input, they shouldn't be making decisions that impact their time.

              It is more than just courtesy to discuss this with the other parent. And in this instance it seems really odd as the punishment doesn't fit the crime and that the punishment is 4-5 days away on time that they aren't parenting.

              Comment


              • #8
                I think your partner did the right thing by telling Mom that he won't follow through with punishments imposed at Mom's house unless it's discussed in advance and he agrees.

                It's kind of like S7 expenses - if Mom wants Dad to contribute she needs to talk to him in advance; if she doesn't discuss it with him in advance, she has to be ready to pay the whole shot herself. Similarly, in this situation if she feels that Kid needs to be punished beyond his time with her, she can re-start the punishment at her place, as Rioe suggested.

                I wouldn't get into the nature of the offense and whether it deserves a major punishment. Some things are a big deal to some people and not a big deal to others. She should handle day-to-day things at her house and you at yours.

                (Of course, this would be different if it were a really major offense - Kid was caught selling drugs or driving without a license. Then I would say that both parents need to be completely on board with a very strong consequence for Kid).

                Comment


                • #9
                  What HammerDad said.

                  All that I will add is that if both parties can agree and communicate in relation to carrying over, then it becomes a powerful tool for setting expectations and encouraging accountability with your kids.

                  If my son gets picky and doesn't eat his dinner at my house, he doesn't get to whine to his mom later that evening that he's hungry, because he knows the rules. If you're not hungry enough for dinner, you're not hungry enough for a bedtime snack. It eliminated a lot of the game playing at dinner time that he did, because we have a 99% success rate on backing each other up.

                  The key is to have the boundaries and punishments agreed on BEFORE something happens.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Reasons why I would be a bad parent: That punishment TOTALLY does not fit the crime. Id be making him do laundry duty for a month. Including carrying it down, sorting it, transferring from washer to dryer, folding it and then carrying it all back upstairs.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thanks everyone. It really is an odd punishment for the "crime". Both kids have ipods at our house and at Mom's... they don't take them back and forth (whole other story). The kids are already limited to 2 hours of screen time a day on their ipod/computers. Half the time they are here they spend more time playing board games and forget about their ipods, but this weekend we have to make a drive to attend their cousin's birthday party. Usually on car rides we will allow them to play them until they die, especially if it is a long one.

                      Dad and I have talked about it more and I don't think he is willing to follow through with it, given the circumstances. He doesn't like that S9 lied to him Mom so what he plans on doing is having a discussion about lying and then having S9 right a letter to his mom about why lying is not okay and apologize for lying.

                      Dad got another text last night ranting about not sticking behind her and that things happen and she can't always discuss them with Dad before she makes a punishment. I don't agree with that. I remember growing up if we did something wrong, we were told here would be a punishment but we had to wait for our Dad to come home so Mom could talk to him about it.

                      The kids already help with the laundry here, plus dishes, cleaning etc. We don't believe in using these as punishments. They are household chores that need done and we all chip in and do them. The kids are really good at doing them and don't complain... often they argue about who gets to vacuum.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        This is totally her trying to screw with your time.

                        Comment

                        Our Divorce Forums
                        Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                        Working...
                        X