To set the scene...
My Ex and I have been sharing our home for almost the last couple of years after deciding to divorce. We both agreed to this to sort out things financially and for the kids. In general it has worked well (we both have our separate lives, new partners etc and had arrangements to be away very second weekend)
About 4 months ago we agreed it was time to sell the home but wanted to do a lot of clean up and minor repairs (some electrical issues and painting etc) to get top dollar. We divided up the responsibilities and I pushed her on some issues as she did not start some of her tasks - she then said she wanted to sell this summer which was not acceptable to me - I want to get on with my life.
In the end she moved out over Christmas - she had more flexibility to do so with her partner and it was already agreed I would have custody of our 2 children.
She does not work but we have the following routine now:
She comes over around 7:15 and does school lunches then takes the boys to school (10 minute drive). I own the car and take the bus to work shortly after she arrives. She has access to the car during the day (I pay all gas, maintenance and insurance)
She does the school pickup and either takes them to her place or brings them home. When I arrive home around 5:30 she leaves - sometimes taking the car for the trip in the morning sometimes not (she lives a 10-15 minute walk away) if the car is neede at my end -kids activities grocery shopping. I get the car on weekends when I am home or as agreed she may borrow it if needed - she does not drive her partenrs car at all (standard and she is hesitant to learn).
Sometimes she cooks dinner and sometimes I do - no set arrangement.
I do the routine around the home - dishes, laundry etc.
She has had access during the day to the home to do her bit - but this has dropped off recently.
We still operate a joint bank account and she uses money from that account - she is good about only buying necessities for herself and some food and items for the kids (haircuts etc). She wants around $400 per month in spousal support (for her personal spending - independent to any costs associated for the kids - there is no indication that she even thinks she may have to pay CS in the future) but also knows that I cannot afford it currently - I pay all the bills and we did have financial issues prior to the breakup - I said that is why we need to sell the home.
She does not work but is capable of it - works for 2-3 months then quits as she has a disagreement or similar with her manager. Her working has always cost us, as I lose the spousal claim in taxes without her working for a longer period each year.
Her new partner is paying for her and they have gone on several vacations and weekends away - she says she wants to pay her own way (by me paying her). I have agreed to spousal support (verbally - I will be fair) and catch up (from the time she moved out) once the home is sold - I am also financially responsible for the children and setting up a new home for them and I.
The issue:
This weekend she was not coming around - I took the children to their grandmothers' and my girlfriend was coming over (Valentines) - my ex knew this and was coming over Sunday evening to borrow the car, then today to pack some things, which was agreed.
Our eldest was felling sick when he got home from Grandmas and my wife decided to pop in last night around 9:30. She just used her key and walked in without even knocking or calling first etc.
I felt it was an invasion to my privacy to just walk in unannounced - prior to this incident we always knew when we were to be at the house together.
I expected her response to be ...oh sorry , no problem, I'll call first next time (or to at least knock on the door). Instead I got :
" unless (my girlfriend) is here I will come and go as I please and you have no rights to any privacy while I continue to own this home (joint ownership)" (tirade between us continues for several minutes).
I was angry and felt there is a difference between ownership and residence (she does not reside here) and I cannot just walk into her new home. It is a basic common courtesy to announce an arrival if unexpected.
The reality of selling the home it seems to be hitting etc, so I understand there may be emotional aspects to all this as well, however, She thinks I have no rights (and stated as such).
I said that if she arrives unexpectedly, I would not let her in (we can lock a screen door that is not accessible from outside). She said she would get the kids to let her in and I don't want them to be in the middle of all this (more than they already are)
I also feel she was jealous about me having the home to myself with my girlfriend etc - she has indicated she does not like her new residence mcuh (and they briefly contemplated buying me out, but it was too large and inexpensive for them). I cannot buy her out and pay support with my current financials.
It also came out in the past few weeks that she wasn't ready to have moved out (After deciding on divorcing March 07) and then last night stated she had planned on moving in with her partner February 20th - she never indicated this prior and agreed to move out over Christmas.
I feel she has always been self-centred about all the divorce (wanted to stay in the home with me paying the bills but still able to have a relationship with someone else and not work) so I have started to push my own timetable - I want to get this over, sort the boys and myself out prior to summer and get on with my life!
We do not have a written agreement - merely verbal and by discussion
My concerns are:
1. Should/Can I change the locks? This is not something I wish to do as it changes the routine (which does suit me well) and is inflammatory. I would prefer to keep the screen door locked and if she shows up unannounced (only happened this once), then choose whether to let her in or not. I also don't want the boys to get into the middle of this issue.
2. Do you think it is possible I will come home from work and she will be there with the screen door locked and then not let me in? (even though she does not 'live' there)? If this occurred, do I need to call the police etc?
3. I have a separate bank account - is this the right time to divert my income to the other account and make the appropriate arrangements for the mortgage payments etc to come from that account.
At this point I may be able to offer her some money for her expenses, but should remove access to the car and do the school routine and after school care myself?
Until we sell the home she still thinks she can come over - she does not invite the kids to her house for an extended period (Over 1 hour) and the oldest won't go there at all!
Again, this is inflammatory, and I assumed we could do this account closing etc when we sold the home.
4. Does she really have the right to just enter the home whenever she wishes? (Common social norms would say No, let alone legal ones).
Thanks in advance for any input and advice - some family day, huh!
My Ex and I have been sharing our home for almost the last couple of years after deciding to divorce. We both agreed to this to sort out things financially and for the kids. In general it has worked well (we both have our separate lives, new partners etc and had arrangements to be away very second weekend)
About 4 months ago we agreed it was time to sell the home but wanted to do a lot of clean up and minor repairs (some electrical issues and painting etc) to get top dollar. We divided up the responsibilities and I pushed her on some issues as she did not start some of her tasks - she then said she wanted to sell this summer which was not acceptable to me - I want to get on with my life.
In the end she moved out over Christmas - she had more flexibility to do so with her partner and it was already agreed I would have custody of our 2 children.
She does not work but we have the following routine now:
She comes over around 7:15 and does school lunches then takes the boys to school (10 minute drive). I own the car and take the bus to work shortly after she arrives. She has access to the car during the day (I pay all gas, maintenance and insurance)
She does the school pickup and either takes them to her place or brings them home. When I arrive home around 5:30 she leaves - sometimes taking the car for the trip in the morning sometimes not (she lives a 10-15 minute walk away) if the car is neede at my end -kids activities grocery shopping. I get the car on weekends when I am home or as agreed she may borrow it if needed - she does not drive her partenrs car at all (standard and she is hesitant to learn).
Sometimes she cooks dinner and sometimes I do - no set arrangement.
I do the routine around the home - dishes, laundry etc.
She has had access during the day to the home to do her bit - but this has dropped off recently.
We still operate a joint bank account and she uses money from that account - she is good about only buying necessities for herself and some food and items for the kids (haircuts etc). She wants around $400 per month in spousal support (for her personal spending - independent to any costs associated for the kids - there is no indication that she even thinks she may have to pay CS in the future) but also knows that I cannot afford it currently - I pay all the bills and we did have financial issues prior to the breakup - I said that is why we need to sell the home.
She does not work but is capable of it - works for 2-3 months then quits as she has a disagreement or similar with her manager. Her working has always cost us, as I lose the spousal claim in taxes without her working for a longer period each year.
Her new partner is paying for her and they have gone on several vacations and weekends away - she says she wants to pay her own way (by me paying her). I have agreed to spousal support (verbally - I will be fair) and catch up (from the time she moved out) once the home is sold - I am also financially responsible for the children and setting up a new home for them and I.
The issue:
This weekend she was not coming around - I took the children to their grandmothers' and my girlfriend was coming over (Valentines) - my ex knew this and was coming over Sunday evening to borrow the car, then today to pack some things, which was agreed.
Our eldest was felling sick when he got home from Grandmas and my wife decided to pop in last night around 9:30. She just used her key and walked in without even knocking or calling first etc.
I felt it was an invasion to my privacy to just walk in unannounced - prior to this incident we always knew when we were to be at the house together.
I expected her response to be ...oh sorry , no problem, I'll call first next time (or to at least knock on the door). Instead I got :
" unless (my girlfriend) is here I will come and go as I please and you have no rights to any privacy while I continue to own this home (joint ownership)" (tirade between us continues for several minutes).
I was angry and felt there is a difference between ownership and residence (she does not reside here) and I cannot just walk into her new home. It is a basic common courtesy to announce an arrival if unexpected.
The reality of selling the home it seems to be hitting etc, so I understand there may be emotional aspects to all this as well, however, She thinks I have no rights (and stated as such).
I said that if she arrives unexpectedly, I would not let her in (we can lock a screen door that is not accessible from outside). She said she would get the kids to let her in and I don't want them to be in the middle of all this (more than they already are)
I also feel she was jealous about me having the home to myself with my girlfriend etc - she has indicated she does not like her new residence mcuh (and they briefly contemplated buying me out, but it was too large and inexpensive for them). I cannot buy her out and pay support with my current financials.
It also came out in the past few weeks that she wasn't ready to have moved out (After deciding on divorcing March 07) and then last night stated she had planned on moving in with her partner February 20th - she never indicated this prior and agreed to move out over Christmas.
I feel she has always been self-centred about all the divorce (wanted to stay in the home with me paying the bills but still able to have a relationship with someone else and not work) so I have started to push my own timetable - I want to get this over, sort the boys and myself out prior to summer and get on with my life!
We do not have a written agreement - merely verbal and by discussion
My concerns are:
1. Should/Can I change the locks? This is not something I wish to do as it changes the routine (which does suit me well) and is inflammatory. I would prefer to keep the screen door locked and if she shows up unannounced (only happened this once), then choose whether to let her in or not. I also don't want the boys to get into the middle of this issue.
2. Do you think it is possible I will come home from work and she will be there with the screen door locked and then not let me in? (even though she does not 'live' there)? If this occurred, do I need to call the police etc?
3. I have a separate bank account - is this the right time to divert my income to the other account and make the appropriate arrangements for the mortgage payments etc to come from that account.
At this point I may be able to offer her some money for her expenses, but should remove access to the car and do the school routine and after school care myself?
Until we sell the home she still thinks she can come over - she does not invite the kids to her house for an extended period (Over 1 hour) and the oldest won't go there at all!
Again, this is inflammatory, and I assumed we could do this account closing etc when we sold the home.
4. Does she really have the right to just enter the home whenever she wishes? (Common social norms would say No, let alone legal ones).
Thanks in advance for any input and advice - some family day, huh!
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