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  • Child Support

    I'm a recently separated mother of two girls, 3 and 12.
    I lived with my common law husband for 4 years and am now separated. We have a 3 year old daughter.
    I have been separated but not divorced from my 12 year old's father for 10 years and he does not pay child support because he has been unemployed for most of that time. He has very little contact with her outside of the occasional email.
    My common law husband was an amazing parent to her for the most part, driving her to school, sports, buying her clothes and spending good quality time with her.
    The question I have is whether or not I can ask for child support from him for both girls.
    I could go after the biological father, but it's such an insignificant amount of money that I never bothered.

  • #2
    It's unfortunate that the bio dad does not have more of a presence in the child's life.
    The relatively short duration of the CL union may pose a problem when requesting the support for both children. You have the right to seek this since he acted in the full capacity of a parent to both children. You need to ask yourself a very deep question, why was the money the only focus when dealing with the bio dad? No one can make a parent parent, and it’s frustrating to know there is a parent that is nothing more then the occasional email pen pal.

    I feel that you could have sought to have an income imputed on the bio dad relative to his ability to be employed and to the level at which he was accustomed to being paid when he was working. This would certainly have aided him in gaining meaning full employment, if not for the betterment of his child at least for himself and his self esteem, (void any physical impairments on his part).

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    • #3
      Thanks for your reply.
      Contrary to your understanding, money was almost never the focus when dealing with the bio dad. I have always kept visitation discussions/issues completely separate from the discussions regarding our relationship and separation -which only took a couple of months to work out -.

      There are many reasons that the bio dad is not in her life, mainly because of his choices. I can't change that or make him be part of her life. I've given up trying to facilitate this and have put my focus on raising my daughter (s).
      Seeking child support from him in an effort to aide him in gaining meaningful employment is not my responsibility.
      He's a grown man who should take responsibility for his own employment and life.
      Seeking child support from him would cost me more money than I will receive. The benefit of the 'satisfaction' of receiving payments of less than $50 a month would not outwiegh the frustration of legal fees sapping my savings and day to day living expenses.

      My Common Law husband has spent more time living with and parenting my daughter than her bio dad did.

      From my perspective, it's unfortunate that I am considering asking for child support from him for either of the girls. I would much rather move on free of complications and allow for our relationships to heal so that we can focus on being parents and establishing a new routine for the children that includes visitation.
      Unfortunately, I have to consider how I am going to make ends meet and haven't even begun to figure out or ask how I can possibly hang on to our home.

      He moved out and is not coming back. We still haven't worked out what we're going to do in relation to all of our debts and assets.

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      • #4
        I am very sympathetic to your situation. That said, I don't thinks it's ethically or morally right to ask your ex CL to pay support on your 12 year old without first getting an order against the bio dad. I mean no offense with my reply.

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        • #5
          Using words like "...go after..." calls into question your intentions.

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          • #6
            “Ella”, my intentions were not to put you on the defensive.
            I have an ex that wants nothing to do with his kids, and I tried everything to keep him in their lives, and I too decided that was a no win situation.

            Living pay to pay barely making ends meet, only getting $51 for support of two very young children made me question why I even bothered, the cost was too high, both emotionally and financially.

            But the onus, in my personal opinion, for support is on the parents that created these beautiful gifts from God. I know where you are, I've been there! I would certainly seek to have this person support his bio child. I feel that if you serve him with a petition for support for the both of them, he will (if he has a decent lawyer) drag the bio dad into the picture, and if things go the way I think they should, the bio dad will have an income inputted on him and he will be ordered to pay support based on his ability to work/be employed. And I honestly feel that the "healing" of this most recent separation will be far more amicable if you only concentrate on the child that is his when discussing CS with him. Seeking to have him pay for a child that is not his will not make him all warm and fuzzy inside, he’s not going to see this as an honour if you get where I’m going with this? I pray that he continues to love and show dedication to the two, and I hope you see that as a blessing too and not want to interfere with that by asking him to support both, let him make that call! In todays throw away world, having a man that is not the father of your child show any level of love and admiration for a child that is not his is indeed a blessing for that child.
            But at the end of the day, you are the only one that can decide what is right for you.

            I offer my apologies for having offended you or putting you in a position where you felt you needed to defend your position.

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            • #7
              Thanks everybody for your honest replies and advice.

              "FLNTC" I didn't feel defensive when I replied to your post yesterday, but after re-reading it this morning, I can understand why you got that impression.
              It's always sad to hear when another parent has been through a similar situation. I too wish that parents could separate their legal obligations from their parental obligations and really attempt to do what's best for their children's emotional well being.

              "DTTE" I can see your point. I don't have much respect for the bio dad, and that shows. I made the mistake of deciding not to ask for support because I thought that if I did, he would pull away from our daughter, and that if I just concentrated on keeping the lines of communication open for visitation discussions and updates on our daughter, that he would be part of her life. In the end, he pulled away anyway, and I was left with our marital debt to deal with, but happy that I had my daughter to love and support.

              "Private" I wasn't offended by your reply
              I spoke to my CL this morning and he said that he's willing to pay CS for both girls and wants to continue to parent both of them. We've agreed to work together to figure out what's fair.
              I should have spoken to him in the first place!

              I have decided to file for divorce from the bio dad and ask for CS as well. I might as well close two chapters in my life, since I'm at it.

              Thanks again everybody!

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              • #8
                It's refreshing to hear things are looking good.
                Best of luck to you!
                Kudos to CL ex as he deserves recognition for stepping up to the plate and dong what is best for the kids, and for sticking around for them.

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                • #9
                  That's fantastic news! Agreed, CL dad has shown he's seriously focusing on both children...WOW. Great to hear you're going to deal with Bio as well.

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                  • #10
                    It's very tough to remain sensible and reasonable when all around you seems crazy.

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                    • #11
                      I could think in your point. I don't have much respect for bio dad, and that shows I am not interest to ask for support because I thought that if I did. He would pull away from our daughter, and that if I just concentrated on keeping the lines of communication open for visitation discussions and updates on our daughter.

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