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  • #31
    I'm a firm believer that there are a select few who are so high conflict, that they can cause chaos all by themselves.

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    • #32
      Originally posted by hadenough View Post
      I'm a firm believer that there are a select few who are so high conflict, that they can cause chaos all by themselves.
      Oh definitely,I sometimes wonder if the only reason these kind of people get into relationships,is just to have someone to fight with besides themselves.I suppose the make up sex got kind of boring on their own

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      • #33
        Lol. Probably. Ewww. The thought of my ex and sex in the same sentence makes me cringe. I'm just so glad we don't ever talk. That one aspect is so very peaceful

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        • #34
          I dont talk either,its easier that way.Its funny but there isnt a single aspect of the marriage I miss.Well they say opposites attract-thats a myth!When it happens its only happens for a short time.Ive never been happier, then since we split.When my divorce goes through I will think about dating again Hey there has to be logical men with small baggage out there lol!

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          • #35
            Originally posted by murphyslaw View Post
            I dont talk either,its easier that way.Its funny but there isnt a single aspect of the marriage I miss.Well they say opposites attract-thats a myth!When it happens its only happens for a short time.Ive never been happier, then since we split.When my divorce goes through I will think about dating again Hey there has to be logical men with small baggage out there lol!
            I find it interesting that people wait until they get "divorce papers" to start dating again after separation. In many situations it may be beneficial to engage in a new relationship especially if there is emotional detachment from the other person.

            Many people date/find new intimate partners after seperation. The court won't hold it against someone and in fact, often a judge will see this as a positive thing so long as the new partner is not involved in the conflict and making things worse for any children involved.

            People move on in their lives. There are two people involved in a separation and divorce. There are no legal concepts of "trial separation" and the use of this concept is often miss used. Once you separate from someone you start the legal process for divorce.

            The statistics of two people getting back together after a "separation" is low to almost never. So, why sit around pining for someone who doesn't want to be with you, is unwilling to invest into the relationship and may have possibly already brought matters before the court for "divorce" and "separation".

            Although this may be "cheating" as soon as a spouse leaves the house, they leave the commitment to the relationship, child support starts at that point and so does your new life.

            You are either together working to solve the relationship problems or you are separate and apart seeking a new life. The myth of "the heart grows fonder in one's absence" is just that... A myth. Relationships work on being able to communicate with the other partner. If you are unable to communicate the relationship is doomed to failure and no time apart will solve that problem.

            So, I am one for encouraging people to move on and do what is in their best interests... If that is to start a new relationship... That is one of the purposes of "separation"... To find new opportunities in life.

            If you truly want to "fix" the problem in the relationship that has to be done jointly by learning to communicate, resolving problems and doing that together and not separate and apart.

            Sitting around pining that the other person will come back is only going to make matters worse for someone.

            The only challenge comes when your ex-partner is highly conflicted and this would aggravate the situation, cause more legal nightmares and if they are the kind of person that would actually file an contempt motion because you have a "current partner" that isn't them. But, this only demonstrates further why you are no longer with that person. It demonstrates their "controlling" pattern of behaviour by using the legal system to gain control.

            In fact, you may be lucky enough to find someone who is kind, caring, a good parent, loving and supportive at this time.

            Good Luck!
            Tayken

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            • #36
              Oh dear no!Im not in mourning or wishing to get back together.I have moved on and have a completely new life .I do not wish to scare off a nice guy by getting involved, while still before the courts dealing with a very high conflict ex.There is no telling what he could do really.But perhaps Im giving him too much of an input anyway, by anticipating his next round of crazy.Thank you Tayken for a outside perspective on it.Next time a friend tries to set me up on a blind date I may just give it a shot

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              • #37
                Originally posted by murphyslaw View Post
                Oh dear no! Im not in mourning or wishing to get back together.
                Wasn't implying that... I was just suggesting that a lot of people (not necessarily you) often feel that if they get involved with a new partner during separation prior to divorce that they will be hit with "adultery". The legal system is slow, people have different objectives in life and the legal system won't "punish" anyone for having truly "moved on" and finding a new partner although they don't have a legal "divorce".

                Originally posted by murphyslaw View Post
                I have moved on and have a completely new life . I do not wish to scare off a nice guy by getting involved, while still before the courts dealing with a very high conflict ex.
                Your new partner is going to have to deal with the reality of the very high conflicted ex-partner. Be it while you are attempting to settle matters or after you settle matters. If children are involved this is guaranteed.

                Originally posted by murphyslaw View Post
                There is no telling what he could do really. But perhaps Im giving him too much of an input anyway, by anticipating his next round of crazy.
                Don't live in anticipation of what might happen next. It will only make you anxious. Live for what is best for you in life. Clearly not being with your ex-partner is not what either of you wants. So, why should your moving on and meeting anyone be a problem? Sure, a highly conflicted person will make it a nightmare but, they are going to do that all the time. Some times it is better to let their emotional reasoning, anger, and other maladjusted thinking unfold before the court. No one ever was found guilty of contempt for truly moving on before the court... Many highly conflicted individuals have tried... None have been successful and in fact, it makes their case even worse for them.

                Originally posted by murphyslaw View Post
                Thank you Tayken for a outside perspective on it. Next time a friend tries to set me up on a blind date I may just give it a shot.
                You are not obligated to disclose your personal life to your ex-partner. Enjoy your time, the company of others and explore the opportunities out there. It will probably demonstrate to you why you are separated and soon to be divorced probably.

                "Absence makes the heart grow fonder..." doesn't apply generally in my opinion when someone files an Application to court for separation and divorce.

                Good Luck!
                Tayken

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                • #38
                  Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                  Wasn't implying that... I was just suggesting that a lot of people (not necessarily you) often feel that if they get involved with a new partner during separation prior to divorce that they will be hit with "adultery". The legal system is slow, people have different objectives in life and the legal system won't "punish" anyone for having truly "moved on" and finding a new partner although they don't have a legal "divorce".
                  Just letting out my own stuff here, for the first couple of years after separation I avoided dating. I was stressed and thinking constantly about legal shit, tracking finances, dealing with a high conflict ex and contant complaints and criticism. I didn't feel there was any way I could date someone and not drag my stress and conflict into the new relationship. Having kids to care for 5 nights a week also put a damper on things, and I had no desire to introduce my kids to someone new unless I had a sense that the relationship would be stable and healthy.

                  As a result I stayed on my own for the first years, dated tentatively, had one relationship that didn't go anywhere, and then continue to date tentatively. I'm quite happy with this, being single has been a relief after years of a bad marriage, and I certainly feel 100% healthier than I was when I first separated.

                  Not everyone is the same, but I have a hard time imagining how people can jump into something new while they are in the middle of an acrimonious divorce.

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Mess View Post
                    I didn't feel there was any way I could date someone and not drag my stress and conflict into the new relationship.
                    Living under the constant barrage of negative projections, allegations, constant conflict and stress is often the objective of the other person doing it. The process of separation and divorce for them is more about vengeance often than "moving on" with their life.

                    Originally posted by Mess View Post
                    Having kids to care for 5 nights a week also put a damper on things, and I had no desire to introduce my kids to someone new unless I had a sense that the relationship would be stable and healthy.
                    It is often hard to develop an adult relationship with someone under the constant bombardment of negative projections and constant blame. Highly conflicted people often have developed a strong method of control over the other person through "fear, obligation and guilt". They continue this throughout the separation leveraging the patterns of behaviour they got from you often using the same conflict tactics. Threats, emotional outbursts, blaming, etc...

                    Originally posted by Mess View Post
                    Not everyone is the same, but I have a hard time imagining how people can jump into something new while they are in the middle of an acrimonious divorce.
                    Well, many people do it, and as demonstrated in the following case law, it does create conflict and make matters even worse, ultimately what is important is being happy.

                    You can't control what others do in the situation but, you can always control yourself, your emotions and how you manage the situation. For some people this is exceptionally hard to do when they are under the barrage of a highly conflicted person's distortion campaign.

                    Good Luck!
                    Tayken

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                    • #40
                      I ditto Mess. Can't imagine another relationship until the situation I'm in right now is cleaned up and behind me. Ex just won't let that happen so for now I'm single. After so many years living with a demanding, demeaning, negative individual I'm in no big rush to pursue another relationship. "Once bitten twice shy" definitely applies to me. However, wtih that said I believe that one should never say "never" to future relationships as I do believe there are decent people out there somewhere.

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                      • #41
                        I do definitely believe that there is decent men out there.After all look at all the guys who married these drama queens.However finding single guys who haven't been scared off dating for life ...hmmm.I think the older you are exiting the marriage the harder it is going to be to bounce back.Not sure if you can ever fully bounce back after a bad marriage but there will be recovery if you let it.At least I now know exactly what I dont want

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                        • #42
                          Originally posted by Mess View Post
                          Just letting out my own stuff here, for the first couple of years after separation I avoided dating. I was stressed and thinking constantly about legal shit, tracking finances, dealing with a high conflict ex and contant complaints and criticism. I didn't feel there was any way I could date someone and not drag my stress and conflict into the new relationship. Having kids to care for 5 nights a week also put a damper on things, and I had no desire to introduce my kids to someone new unless I had a sense that the relationship would be stable and healthy.

                          As a result I stayed on my own for the first years, dated tentatively, had one relationship that didn't go anywhere, and then continue to date tentatively. I'm quite happy with this, being single has been a relief after years of a bad marriage, and I certainly feel 100% healthier than I was when I first separated.

                          Not everyone is the same, but I have a hard time imagining how people can jump into something new while they are in the middle of an acrimonious divorce.
                          I am in complete agreement with Mess here. I have very little time for a personal life, mainly due to the custody situation I have. I'm happy with things as they are, although my evenings are kind of boring after the kids are asleep (hence my prolific posting!). I don't feel incomplete because I don't have a partner.

                          Also, I have always been an honest and honourable person. I keep my promises. I certainly feel that my marriage being over is the best thing for us and I'm not pining for him at all, but I don't presently consider myself free to date until the marriage is legally over with a divorce. Maybe the fact that my ex cheated on me makes me more sanctimonious about honouring my vows despite our separation dragging on years now, or maybe it's just that I haven't been tested due to having no opportunities to meet anyone. The fact that I think our "amicable" separation would likely go down the drain if he found out I was dating again also contributes. And on top of that, I wouldn't consider an intimate relationship with anyone I didn't know well as a friend first. Turns out I didn't know my husband nearly as well as I had thought, and look where that got me. Once burned...etc.

                          How did we get so far off topic??

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                          • #43
                            Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                            I'm happy with things as they are, although my evenings are kind of boring after the kids are asleep (hence my prolific posting!)...
                            Stop talking about my life. :O

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                            • #44
                              Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                              Let me put myself in your ex's mindset (ew, icky!). You told him you had tickets to a waterpark, and he generously rearranged his access to let you take her somewhere special. Then he learned that you weren't going to the waterpark but were instead doing a birthday party. To him, it looks like the waterpark thing was a total fabrication, that you intended to do the birthday party all along, and you were manipulating him to get his consent to change days. And to curtail the manipulation and show you that future instances of it would be unacceptable, he felt it was necessary to rescind his permission for you to have your daughter on what ought to have been his day. To his mind, you are to blame for the entire situation, and any hurt feelings your daughter has are not his fault, no matter who had to explain it to her. Just because your daughter validated your perspective over his doesn't make his less valid. Sounds like he feels that he is on the defensive against you, and while his reaction was not in your daughter's best interests, sometimes this is necessary to prevent an ex from deviating willy-nilly from an overall agreement.

                              You may be involuntarily contributing to the tango without realizing it, simply by making assumptions that he will be reasonable.

                              I would be upset if my ex told me he was doing something special with our child, and I made arrangements regarding it, then found out that the something special was not to happen after all, but I would still not be recovering my missed time with the child. It feels like being double crossed, and the correct response is to return to what the court order says.
                              I can see your point, though it was not the case. I could have easily NOT told him about the plan, and went ahead. Which would have been the equivalent of a lie and manipulation. But I didn't. He found out because I told him the tickets could not be used on the Sunday, and then asked him if it was ok if we held the party that day. I gave him the choice (and had already offered him a make-up day when we first discussed it).

                              He had no reason to take the day back. Maybe he felt angry about it, I am guessing he did. Fine, he can be angry. But he tried to take it out on me, and ended up hurting his child. Sure, it was "his weekend", he had every "right" to take it back because my tickets were not valid on the day he gave me. But does that make it "right"? Was he "fair" to his child? Was in in the "child's best interests" I think it is quite clear that his motive was selfish. My intent was to please my child (who will not be seeing her very close friend at her party now), and his was to punish me.

                              This is the kind of situation that parents SHOULD be able to mediate on their own, especially in a shared parenting arrangement like ours. But sadly this is not the case. That is why I question the validity of our custody arrrangement. I would gladly have done the exchange if the situation was reversed

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                              • #45
                                Originally posted by billiechic View Post
                                This is the kind of situation that parents SHOULD be able to mediate on their own, especially in a shared parenting arrangement like ours. But sadly this is not the case. That is why I question the validity of our custody arrrangement. I would gladly have done the exchange if the situation was reversed
                                I totally agree ...

                                It's sad ... and what I've realized in my "divorced" years (kids were 4 & 6 when we divorced and 13 & 15 now) is that what seemed SOOOOO important back then & caused me much lost sleep is SOOOO irrelevant now.

                                I was never in a 50/50 parenting situation as ex only wanted EOW and maybe the odd week night (which he got without question or argument) but I remember many times (for example) when one or the other kid came home with a BD invite from a friend that fell on "dads" weekend and not knowing what the proper etiquette was & stressing HUGE over it as communication between ex & I was never optimal (

                                When they were really young, I'd call dad and inform him of the kids' name, date of party, RRSP number to call and found that more often then not, the boys would come home upset because they'd miss their friends party.

                                As they got older, I simply looked at the invite & say "oh, this is when your with your dad so you have to check with him as I'm not sure of his plans" and then the onus ended up on him to take them or explain why he couldn't (ie. he had other family commitments, etc)

                                I'm sorry your DD had to miss out (

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