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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 01-05-2011, 12:00 AM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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Thumbs down never thought i would go through this again

well after 12 years this marriage is ending. The main reasons are financial. Him getting a 75,000 inheritence and gambling 40,000 of it away. He made a promise to match what my mom helped us out with on the downpayment but didn't. Sure over the years he did gamble but hid how much. Glad I had separate bank accounts. He took of his wedding band over two months ago. I just took mine off January 1st. He is already dating and even asked if he could bring her here on New years eve and sleep in the bed with her that he and i shared for 15 years.

he already has a lawyer and he(stbx) says i have to fill out a financial statment and give him all the papers dealing with the house mortgage and my tax stuff. I have not responded to that yet.

Now for the fun part. he has been badgering me about getting back together and when i refuse he starts calling me names and such. Well today he started up again. He called me a fucking bitch and a cunt. He knows how to push my buttons. I yelled back at him. Well get this, he leaves his email open and there is an email to his lawyer saying that he had to physically defend himself against me and he reported it to the police. I never raised a hand to him, in fact two weeks ago he grabbed me when i tried to stop him from entering the room i sleep in.Now he wants an interm order for possession of the house. I think he just wants his "new gf" and her kid to move in. He is the one who makes more money, he has places where he can live, i do not. He sent me an email saying that it is officailly going to get nasty, well never thought lies would be part of it. Now he wants to communicate just by email which is fine by me.

Does he have a chance to get possession of the house?? The police never called me or anything about the so called assault. I avoid him in the house by either watching tv downstairs or i am on my laptop in the bedroom. He gets upset when i do not spend time with him, but i get sick of rehasing the same shit over and over again. Now that i know what he is trying to do, i will avoid talking to him at all whenever i can.

Where do I go from here?? I want to see if my mom can help me buy him out and at the start he was willing to wait until the end of January, now he is forcing it. He actually told me his lawyer said that he can get more then half the value of the house if I buy him out because he is the one that will be leaving. WTF! I want to be fair to him but also do not want to get bullied. I know that I will not get the money i put for the downpayment, which was double what he put down, and i figure even though my mom signed a letter stating her 15,000 was a gift to me , that is gone also, so he is already making out pretty good. He even expects to get gifts my mom gave me over the course of the relationship. Heck she bought me all the appliances for the house, the bill of sale is in her name. He said he would fight me for them. Is stuff i bought before we were married but living together, that i paid fully for, belong just to me?

I know a long post that is all over the place. Stuff is happening too fast, but i think he had this planned for a while.
  #2  
Old 01-05-2011, 12:10 AM
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Rioe Rioe is offline
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You know the drill from being around here:

Protect your documents, make copies, remove anything solely yours that you value. Separate your finances. Wear a digital recorder. Get a lawyer. Don't let yourself be intimidated or manipulated into agreeing to something that isn't fair.
  #3  
Old 01-05-2011, 12:28 AM
logicalvelocity logicalvelocity is offline
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Sots, Not good if it's getting violent. Call the authorities and report the assault committed on to you. Who knows they may just advise a peace bond to the individual yielding you exclusive possession. If anything the incident is reported and buys you time.

By the way, their views are all over the place, so much of what they are saying is BS, only to intimidate you. They want exclusive possession but they want you to buy them out? Think it out and hold your ground.
  #4  
Old 01-05-2011, 05:23 AM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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so if he did make a false report, would the police not think that me reporting and assault that happened two weeks ago was a payback type of thing?

He says that this hit him out of the blue but his lawyers letter says that I asked him for a separation back on August 1st

I wasn't going to go for SS (not a big believer in that) but if he keeps being verbally abusive and threatening me with what he is going to do then maybe I should. 12 year marriage but living together since 1996.

he spent new years eve with the new gf and did not come back here until 3pm jan 1. Left again that day at close to 9pm and returned about 9pm the next day. Yesterday jan 4) he left at 5pm and is not home yet. To me if it is so unbearable here for him, it looks like he has a place to go.

Do I have to give his lawyer my financial stuff without a court order? I am going to find a lawyer but just need some piece of mind for right now

We have a tenant, who is paying us 400 a month. My stbx agreed to let him stay here but is now being an ass about it. I am helping the guy by letting him use my laptop etc. Yesterday the big fight was about the guy smoking downstairs, my stbx went all crazy and said it was lowering the value of the house. I mentioned how it was one rule for him and his friends, another for me and people I know. STBX smoked in this house for years, his friends come over and smoke upstairs directly beside him. The tenant never smokes upstairs and after yesterday doesn't smoke in the house at all. Well stbx starts literly jumping up and down on the floor calling the tenant names. The tenant hears the fight and how nasty the ex was getting and comes up. ex mentions the smoking and the tenant says fine he will smoke outside. As the tenant is walking away, my ex calls him a coward. he turns around and just looks at him. My ex says to him, come on hit me, either way i will win. Needless to say the tenant did not fall for that one. I can see the ex is trying to goad both me and the tenant into doing something. He is jealous but there is no reason to be, we are just buddies. My ex goes out with the girls from work and would not come home until 4am but that was okay. I have never done nothing like that. Before anyone says get rid of the tenant, the way things are going I feel safer with him here. I told him that next time he hears anything that sounds like it is out of control to stay downstairs and call the police.

I am going to ask my buddy at work if I can store the barbies my mom gave me for gifs at Christmas (they are collectibles) at her place along with some other stuff. He works for the next 4 days double shifts so I will go through things and get some stuff out of here. I just want to be fair about this, even though he is being an ass. I told him that he takes what he brought into the marriage, i take my stuff. The only thing we bought together was the house. Other then that i paid for the snowblower and the barbeque, the propane tank is his. We never really bought anything together, most of the small stuff for the house I bought. He was too busy gambling his pay away. I am not going to fight him over a stupid thing like a snowblower, but I am also not going to let him take stuff that is mine

How much does a digital recorder cost? Maybe i can see if a friend has one and borrow it. Can I put a lock on my bedroom door? He doesn't have any stuff in here so there is no reason for him to be in my room. He has already been in it and went through my dresser drawers

I found the email i sent him after he assaulted me mentioning the assault. I also have his reply where he did not even dispute it at all. I am not sure of the correct date but it was the sat or the sunday. I also have an email where he says he would allow me to buy him out by feb 10th for 60,000. Does this stuff stand up at all? If they do then I am really glad that I saved them

Last edited by standing on the sidelines; 01-05-2011 at 05:34 AM.
  #5  
Old 01-05-2011, 08:58 AM
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Personally, I don't think they reported anything because if they did, the authorities would have been around to talk to you as they are compelled to investigate.

Do not give them any sort of information financial or otherwise until you are compelled to by procedure or order. Line up your ducks but retain. If they had a lawyer, don't you think this lawyer would be asking you for this information directly by now or served you some sort of formal documentation.

Sorry the dude appears to be spinning his tires in the snow, and all over the place, (They have a GF, but want you back) and you're the one driving the 4 wheel drive. Put it in low and hold the course.

Last edited by logicalvelocity; 01-05-2011 at 09:00 AM.
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:03 AM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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I sent you a PM
  #7  
Old 01-05-2011, 11:06 AM
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The ancillary points about your barbies, smoking, when your ex comes and goes, the tenant (to a large degree) and who he hangs out with are not relevant.

Hard as it is, try and carve out the real issues:
  • violence
  • separation date
  • SS
  • financial disclosure
  • evidence

and deal with them one by one.

The violence issues are only going to matter in civil court if one or both of you makes a criminal matter out of it. You know the drill on all that because of your mother's situation. The police will not automatically assume that your call is payback. Their first responsibility is to investigate allegations. If they dismiss your allegation because of a payback hunch and you get the shit kicked out of you, their asses are grasses. It's common sense.

If either of you decide to involve the police, then realize that you are taking the conflict to a whole new level. This should be a very considered decision. Let me be clear about one thing. Spousal abuse is a very serious and sensitive matter. I'm not commenting at all on the validity of your respective criminal allegations.

The separation date may or may not be that important. Ask your lawyer.

Ask for the SS. You are entitled to it and would be foolish not to ask for it at the outset. In the current climate of complete unreasonableness by your ex, do you think fairness is a priority for him? You can always concede on it later as a bargaining chip in settlement.

Prepare your financial statement to the best of your ability. Obviously you should obtain professional assistance in preparing it so that you understand how your financial submission will affect the outcome. The lawyer isn't necessarily the best and certainly not the cheapest assist. An accountant familiar with family law issues will be cheaper and probably better.

You are not required to give the financial disclosure to his lawyer, but why wouldn't you? It needs to be done at some time, whether you settle through the lawyers or through the court. Do it sooner than later. If you don't do it you look unreasonable. Ask for him to do the same. If he refuses then he is the one who looks unreasonable. Time and again it is reported that delays in furnishing financial information or filing inaccurate or incomplete disclosure are a main cause of undue delay in settlement. Make this a priority.

You have been here long enough to know that the digital recorder will be a precautionary move more than anything else. The evidence you get from it will almost certainly not see the light of day in a courtroom because you will settle all the issues without having to actually use it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't gather it, but realize that you will probably never use it.

Call a few lawyers for a free consult to get the ball rolling.
  #8  
Old 01-05-2011, 07:42 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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thanks everyone. I will call a few lawyers and see what I can do. I wanted to be civil but he is going nuts. He hates losing and thros temper tantrums when he doesn't get his own way.

made copies of his tax stuff for the last three years.

anyone know of some lawyers in Kitchener who they liked using??
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Old 01-06-2011, 02:11 AM
logicalvelocity logicalvelocity is offline
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In hindsight, but considering what the dude values most, How much can they really afford?
  #10  
Old 01-06-2011, 02:50 AM
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he admits he had it great with me heck even his friends asked me what I was doing with him.

I am trying to keep the emotional stuff to a minimum. He left me a nasty message on the white board we have on the fridge, i took a picture of it. I am not responding to his emails at all, giving him enough rope to hang himself.

I was really hoping that he would calm down and realize he is letting his anger and other feelings get in the way of a civil resolution indtead of making lawyers rich. That way we keep more of the money for ourselves. He wants more then 50% of the value of the house if i can buy him out, he refuses anything but more then the 50%. He would rather lose the money to real estate fees and the such and walk away then less then the 50% just to try and stick it to me.

I know he is hurting but I cannot let that get in the way of getting a fair deal for myself.
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