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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 06-21-2021, 05:07 PM
cleanSlate cleanSlate is offline
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Default Child care, I divorced a high conflict person

The ex is an extremely difficult person, the type that does not answer basic questions and finds it easier to lie than be truthful even when the truth should be easy or is mandated. She is a bit of a passive aggressive control freak. It is difficult and a Parental Coordinator was not able to overcome this; she played the second one like a fiddle.

The ex recently just got a job after a few years.

I had offered to care for our child when she was working as I am working from home and have been successful caring for her while doing so (remote schooling helped).

She too is working from home but has immediately determined she cannot care for the child during the day. Which seems a bit off because she gets a lot of breaks during the day.

I had stated that we can work something out with access etc (in case she is worried about child support and custody). She won't entertain the issue at all but did want me to be her care backup (?!).

So she is going to pay someone to care for our child instead of being flexible or simply sending them over to me for care simply out of spite.

Another factor is that COVID is going on and we agreed not to send her to school even if it restarted this year. Our child is in a COVID susceptible group.

What are my options here?

CS
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  #2  
Old 06-22-2021, 04:46 AM
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Tayken Tayken is offline
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There are no options.

Her parenting time her decision. Your parenting time your decision.

If she uses daycare then be prepared to pay the proportional cost of the daycare even if you don't use it.

You slogged the other parent calling them high conflict. The whole right of first refusal nonsense you are spouting is usually what the high-conflict parent does. (You read as the high-conflict controlling parent BTW in your post.) You offered to watch the child... Your offer was turned down. Move on and don't dig a deeper hole of conflict trying to push any nonsense arguments about how they should be with a parent over a daycare.
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Old 06-22-2021, 11:38 AM
cleanSlate cleanSlate is offline
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Thanks Tayken.

I didn't try to sound controlling beyond my own scope, they have their own scope.

Before they offered to do the same child care for me but she wanted it only one way. In fact emphasized it.

I offered 2 way where they take care of the kids when I need them (less frequent)....cooperation and still wanted them to keep up access beyond 40%. I didn't demand it. I was hoping the COVID item would be a factor for the time being as we both have said we did not want our at risk sector child to get COVID.

In the past when I asked for their help they agreed but cancelled too late to find a replacement (15 minutes once). 4 or 5 times they didn't come through.

They pulled a lot of stunts and still do things like show up at my residence when I ask that I be informed and agree beforehand. I do everything I can to avoid being in proximity to them to avoid a additional false accusations.

This is important as I do not want to sound or be controlling...do I still read as controlling? How do I fix this?
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Old 06-24-2021, 02:47 AM
sahibjee sahibjee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cleanSlate View Post
Thanks Tayken.

I didn't try to sound controlling beyond my own scope, they have their own scope.

Before they offered to do the same child care for me but she wanted it only one way. In fact emphasized it.

I offered 2 way where they take care of the kids when I need them (less frequent)....cooperation and still wanted them to keep up access beyond 40%. I didn't demand it. I was hoping the COVID item would be a factor for the time being as we both have said we did not want our at risk sector child to get COVID.

In the past when I asked for their help they agreed but cancelled too late to find a replacement (15 minutes once). 4 or 5 times they didn't come through.

They pulled a lot of stunts and still do things like show up at my residence when I ask that I be informed and agree beforehand. I do everything I can to avoid being in proximity to them to avoid a additional false accusations.

This is important as I do not want to sound or be controlling...do I still read as controlling? How do I fix this?
didn't sound controlling to me to be honest.
the reality though is that yes the child should be with either parent if they can help, if both are unavailable only then should strangers be considered for help.
the sad part though is this is likely not the hill you want to die on. just keep track of how many days you could have cared for the child and were denied the opportunity. that demonstrates that the other parent is not willing to facilitate the child's relationship with you and can help you greatly with a custody argument.
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Old 06-24-2021, 12:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cleanSlate View Post
This is important as I do not want to sound or be controlling...do I still read as controlling? How do I fix this?
You, like many parents, believe there is this perfect world of conscious uncoupling that can take place and that parents will be civil to each other and seek this perfect "co-parenting" situation that many books talk about.

At best, treat the situation as a parallel parenting arrangement where you are responsible for the children when the reside with you and the other parent is responsible for the children when they reside with them.

"Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible... Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself." -- The Matrix Spoon boy.



By even trying to be friendly many people will interpret your offers to "help" as controlling. Lots of parents use the whole "right of first refusal" nonsense as a point to control the other parent and establish themselves as the "primary parent".

"See your honour! The child is always with me! The other parent can't take care of the child while I can! I AM THE PRIMARY PARENT!!" - Unfortunately, this is what judges see 99% of the the time so they react to anything like this is what you are doing.
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Old 06-24-2021, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by sahibjee View Post
didn't sound controlling to me to be honest.
the reality though is that yes the child should be with either parent if they can help, if both are unavailable only then should strangers be considered for help.
the sad part though is this is likely not the hill you want to die on. just keep track of how many days you could have cared for the child and were denied the opportunity. that demonstrates that the other parent is not willing to facilitate the child's relationship with you and can help you greatly with a custody argument.
I disagree. Do this if you want to create conflict and demonstrate you are trying to attack the other parent. If it is the other parent's residential responsibility for the child then... You were NOT "denied the opportunity". It wasn't your opportunity nor your responsibility. The child was scheduled to reside with and be cared for by the other parent. Accept this fact and move on.
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  #7  
Old 07-01-2021, 03:57 PM
cleanSlate cleanSlate is offline
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For the records she made the same offer right back to me a few times.
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