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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #41  
Old 02-22-2021, 02:53 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
That is an excellent question. There is a few things that could be done but, there is no silver bullet.

1. 50-50 residency situations that I have observed often don't lead to the "grooming" battle.

2. Offset child support also helps as it reduces the money (CS) issues that arise that lead to the "grooming" battle.

With regards to #1 when a child spends equal time at both parental residences its hard to groom them. They often have an "equal" view of things at both residences. Now where this often fails is if you have an "extreme" helicopter parent in one residence and an "extreme" free-range parent in the other. Helicopter parents often loose in the game if they are unable to flex the rules and expectations down and provide the children freedom.

With regards to #2 money is a huge impact. If you have one household transferring piles of money to the other with equal time spent its going to cause issues. Imbalances be it time spent and money creates situations where you can apply various "game theories" to the situation. (e.g. Zero Sum Game, etc...) In a situation of 50-50 residency where one parent is transferring outrageous amounts of funds and is grooming the child to cover the loss of "child support" I often recommend the parent significantly reduce child support to save the situation. In the majority of situations where it has been "money" motivating the grooming and parent with the reduced income imputes their income higher to reduce the offset transfer (significantly) the grooming ends and the problem goes away.

Ultimately, 50-50 residency and balanced child support payments counter acts the grooming. Its ultimately best for the child if the "things" like residential time, money and rules can be balanced.

Usually and unfortunately a helicopter parent who has majority access and is getting full table support often loses out to grooming.
You're pretty much describing me as it relates to helicopter parenting- and I see it happening with D4 right now- I limit screen time, I impose a strict bedtime...and I hear "Dada's house doesn't have your rules. I like Dada's routine better (there is no routine)"....I already figure I'm going to offer up dropping child support when D4 turns 7 or 8...I don't know that dad is going to fight me for more time- but given that he's paying full CS right now- I suspect that that is going to be the case. If more time is beneficial to D4- then sure. Right now- it's not, transitions are still tough on her. Her skin has been suffering from lack of care of the weekends (but not so much that I can't correct it when she's back at our house)....

I guess each kid is going to be different. But the CS issue seems to be the universal motivator for the fight.
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  #42  
Old 02-23-2021, 03:03 PM
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On the topic of grooming.. Has anyone heard of using extreme veganism or vegetarianism against the 'meat eating household'?
Yes. Its a common argument that fails. The Canada Food Guide is a government doctrine that a judge will rely upon. Judges rarely go against the government advice and medical guide lines in their rulings.

Its a complete waste of time to make these arguments. Even when it comes to religion as well. I have seen "gluten intolerance" as an attempt. Unless the child has a diagnosis of celiac spruce disease the judges usually will not rule in favour of the crazy new-age parent.

Judges are small "c" conservatives generally. I always remind people of that.

Public school vs private is another hill parents get slaughtered on. Vaccination vs no vaccination. Etc...

New age parents often fail horribly in courts still...
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Old 02-23-2021, 03:10 PM
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You're pretty much describing me as it relates to helicopter parenting- and I see it happening with D4 right now- I limit screen time, I impose a strict bedtime...and I hear "Dada's house doesn't have your rules. I like Dada's routine better (there is no routine)"....I already figure I'm going to offer up dropping child support when D4 turns 7 or 8...I don't know that dad is going to fight me for more time- but given that he's paying full CS right now- I suspect that that is going to be the case. If more time is beneficial to D4- then sure. Right now- it's not, transitions are still tough on her. Her skin has been suffering from lack of care of the weekends (but not so much that I can't correct it when she's back at our house)....
I wouldn't worry now. You have many years to go. Your child is way too young to worry about this now. You can't predict the future. Also your parenting style will change as the child gets older and more self sufficient as they get older. Its like the advice doctors often give parents who are worried about pottie training. Rare you see a 6 year old still using a diaper. Children will figure it out eventually. (Unless they have a special need etc...)

Also children enjoy routine and rules. As well, they often have to deal with routine and rule changes with every grade change in school. Each teacher has different expectations and they spend more time at school than with their parents. If they can adapt to those constantly changing rules @ School then they can adapt to them between residences. In fact, your child may realize as they get older that rules matter and choose the rules over the overly free range (more anarchy) at the other residence. This happens too.

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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
I guess each kid is going to be different. But the CS issue seems to be the universal motivator for the fight.
Absolutely. Children are unique in their personality. I wouldn't worry too much about the future. Best to handle things day-to-day. Long term planning years out never works out in the end. As well, children often surprise parents at how fast they mature and figure things out.

CS is the #1 battle. Lots churns on CS. If CS was more balanced (to Janus') points there would be less legal battles that is for sure.
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