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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 09-06-2011, 11:16 PM
RAAAR RAAAR is offline
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Default Am I Required To Switch?

Well, the ex is at it again. He emailed me today saying that he had plans during his weekend with the kids (Sept. 16th-18th) and I had the option of keeping them myself, or having him find a babysitter. (rights of first refusal) I am opting to keep them myself.

So then he starts talking about which weekend I'm going to switch. Uh.. what? Switch? I thought all I was doing was keeping the kids on a weekend that he couldn't see them.

I tell him that if he wants to switch, it has to be this weekend, as I have plans on the other available weekends. He states he has 'adult plans' this weekend, so it can't be this weekend.

I say ok.. well your options are to cancel your plans this weekend or cancel your plans next weekend. There are no other options.

He flips. Saying he's printing out our conversation to show the courts how uncooperative I am. Am I wrong in thinking that if he's made plans on his weekend with the kids it's not up to me to make up his weekend? It's up to him to either find a weekend that works with my plans, or cancel the plans he made?
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Old 09-07-2011, 12:35 AM
ddol1 ddol1 is offline
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well this is about your kids - everything else comes second - they are not to be bartered or negotiated.

If he wishes you to keep the kids for his weekend - no obligation on your part to do anything but enjoy some extra time with your children. Over time you may find a valid reason for the return request and your ex will get the extra weekend. But this may never happen and there is no gaurantees. Take your children if he can't. Anything more is taking advantage of your willingness to take your kids - this time in a way you "win time". Enjoy!
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Old 09-07-2011, 02:23 AM
beebie beebie is offline
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Unless your Order says he gets compensatory time for weekends missed (and this is usually only on mutual agreement or unavoidable events or emergencies) , I would say ignore him (unless you want to be nice about it a few times on the grounds of' life happens').

Alternatively, get an Order that says weekends can be switched if the parties agree and in the event there is no mutual agreement, then the schedule shall apply as written.

Shoudn't he be scheduling dates around access not the only way round? Grrrr.
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Old 09-07-2011, 09:29 AM
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billm billm is offline
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You are fighting with each other for no benefit. From what you wrote, you are both being silly and childish and causing each other stress - smarten up!

If you have the kids for one of his weekends, even if it is because of his plans, then you should switch it back again.

Find a weekend that both works for you and switch it. Don't force him to switch a weekend that he has plans on and don't let him expect you to change your plans.

Talking about Court Orders, and if you're 'required' to switch is total insanity.

Your job is to work with each other, not against - keep it simple and be the bigger person or the acrimony between the two of you will continue which is not good for anyone in your family.

Last edited by billm; 09-07-2011 at 09:33 AM.
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Old 09-07-2011, 09:56 AM
formyGirls formyGirls is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
You are fighting with each other for no benefit. From what you wrote, you are both being silly and childish and causing each other stress - smarten up!

If you have the kids for one of his weekends, even if it is because of his plans, then you should switch it back again.

Find a weekend that both works for you and switch it. Don't force him to switch a weekend that he has plans on and don't let him expect you to change your plans.

Talking about Court Orders, and if you're 'required' to switch is total insanity.

Your job is to work with each other, not against - keep it simple and be the bigger person or the acrimony between the two of you will continue which is not good for anyone in your family.
Well put, billm !

If everyone is rigid and unflexing, you are setting yourselves up for a lifetime of struggles with the kids caught in the middle. Yes, what he is doing is not quite right, but he doesn't have the kids very much compared to you, so a little flexibility is truly in the best interests of the kids.

As long as he is not continually walking all over you, being flexible is in everyone's best interests.
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Old 09-07-2011, 10:23 AM
RAAAR RAAAR is offline
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I didn't realize I was being childish and unyielding by letting him know what weekends I do have free. The problem is that I schedule my weekends around my kids. If I have them, I plan kid-centric activities. If I don't have them, I plan accordingly. Therefore, any weekends he's demanding I switch with him I already have plans including the children.

Is it fair to ask me to shuffle my schedule around due to his poor planning and refusal to schedule his 'adult' activities on weekends where he doesn't have the kids? Guess not. Food for thought, guys. Thanks.
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Old 09-07-2011, 11:19 AM
formyGirls formyGirls is offline
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It sounds like you have every right to refuse to cooperate with your ex.

If you feel he is being a jerk, you feel even more vindicated in not trying to work something out.

The point that some here are trying to put across.... is that though it may be your right to do whatever you wish in this case, what would be best for the kids at the end of the day?

Yes, there is bad blood between you and your ex. We can tell that in a second from reading your first post. And honestly, from reading your posts in this thread, you need to step back and realize you are both at fault here for this issue to blow up like this. Both of you are lacking in post-separation communication skills.

Perhaps some of the replies have been a little harshly worded, but it is to make you stop and realize that neither you or your ex are thinking about your kids first. You may feel you are being attacked because we don't agree with you. Not necessarily the case. You're being attacked because you're treating your children's access as a commodity to be traded and negotiated, instead of a RIGHT that belongs to THEM.

You both owe it to your kids to figure this one out.
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Old 09-07-2011, 11:30 AM
formyGirls formyGirls is offline
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From Canlii:

CanLII - 1994 CanLII 244 (BC SC)


"As I indicated to the petitioner, the solicitor for the respondent, and the grandparents, and it bears repeating, that access and custody are rights of the children and are not rights of the parents. The interest of the court in these proceedings at this stage is the best interest of the children. Their best interest dictates that all concerned minimize the hassles, largely unnecessary in the court's view, on both parts, in connection with the exercise of access. The parties are ordered to cooperate with each other and to facilitate access in the best interest of the children."
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Old 09-07-2011, 11:41 AM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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I do believe that typically the parent who asks to switch loses the makeup time - if you guys can't work it out. No, you aren't expected to change all your weekends to accomodate his schedule. If he wants to be somewhere else other than with the kids on his weekends then it's his responsibility to make arrangements for their care. Hopefully he'd offer it to you first if you're available.

If you're always his back up plan then it's unlikely he'll ever get into the habit of better managing/scheduling his time.

So no, you're not obligated to switch weekends.
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Old 09-07-2011, 12:34 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Quote:
Anything more is taking advantage of your willingness to take your kids - this time in a way you "win time". Enjoy!
Custody access really isn't about "winning" ..its not about you either...its about the kids and the time that they need to spend with both parents to continue to maintain and develop their relationships with them. Your children have a right to have time with both parents.

Unless he's being completely uncooperative and unreasonable on your time, I would try to find days to switch that aren't inconvenient to you. He wants to see the kids, he's notifying you in advance...its not that big of a deal. If he has a date, then good for him for moving on. You can arrange a date on another weekend when he wants them.

Be thankful you've got an ex that wants to be with his children...that's a good thing for them. And in reality, its really all about their needs. You're not obligated to switch weekends, no matter what he prints out and threatens you with but why head down that road at all? Unless he gives you reason to be rigid...why do things that way? Ask yourself, is it in the best interest of you or the kids?
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