So sick of this bullying!!!

[JB514]

So, should I pay for myself first, sign up and send my ex a request to use this as a way of communicating? If she says she doesn't want to pay for this, I will offer to pay for her? What if she doesn't respond at all? Also, I do not have any means of contacting my ex directly, maybe just by mail cause her address is on our court order. I don't think I should send that request through my D's facebook account right?

[murphyslaw]

If you can afford to do so ,you may be better sending this through your lawyer.If you send it by post she can deny, if you send it registered letter she can say the letter was empty ,but if your lawyer sends it to her lawyer.....she cant deny anything.

[JB514]

QUOTE "I hope you can somehow, someday rebuild a *good* relationship with your daughter. But even she must accept that unless/until she treats you with common decency (at the very least) that relationships are a 2-way street. QUOTE""
I have told my D that, her response was "quit being the victim here"...
To answer some Qs about background.
-My D is 15 and a half.
-I left her mother when she 2.5 and had spent every weekend from friday to sunday night with her+ would babysit her 3 evening a week at my ex's place while my ex went to work or just out.
-Everything was fine until I met my now wife and moved in with her 10 years ago we have now a 2 y.o. boy.
-Ex started to blackmail me using my D. If thing didn't go her way, right away "well then you are not gonna see your D''. I would end up caving in under her demands just to avoid a confrontation and to see my D.
-My wife and I had couple of break ups, and during that time my ex was as sweet as pie. And even asked me if I wanted to get back together with her.
- she had multiple live in boyfriends, but with the last one she had a baby almost 3 y.o. now but he also left her and she is denying him access and took him to court.

-

[JB514]

If you can afford to do so ,you may be better sending this through your lawyer.If you send it by post she can deny, if you send it registered letter she can say the letter was empty ,but if your lawyer sends it to her lawyer.....she cant deny anything.

She doesn't have a lawyer, but we will see how things work out. I will be bringing a motion to change CS soon and I will have a some Qs that I will ask later, so maybe at that time this can be resolved in court.

[Mess]

This is going to be harsh, when your ex started playing games, witholding access to your daughter, etc., that is when you should have gotten your ass in court and had an order enforcing access. With the amount of time you were with her, you should have been going after 50/50 custody.

You chose not to, and now you are paying the piper. Which is not to say that everything would be peachy now, but you would have had an entrenched relationship with her, and enough time together that she would know you for herself, not from what your ex says to her. And there would be no reason you wouldn't be taking her to the dentist and optometrist yourself.

There is no way to change your ex. You can't get a court order to force someone to be a better person. You won't get a court order to enforce access visits now. What exactly is it that you want to acccomplish?

If you want to maintain a relationship with your child you have TALK TO YOUR CHILD. Not send childish emails back and forth with her mother on your child's email account.

Your best bet now is to get into court and to hell with the cost. Use the Facebook messages to show how your ex is abusing the communication process (it's already been pointed out that one message read "I will take you to court, it can be shown that this was your ex.) You get a court order for your ex's email, to limit communication to Family Wizard. You block their Facebook accounts and tell your daughter she is welcome to phone you or visit you, but that you won't accept email or facebook or text since you know her mother has access. You ask the court to order mediation or counselling with your daughter as a last chance to counter alienation.

If you aren't willing to go through that, then block facebook, have the ex communicate strictly through your lawyer, and let your daughter call you if she feels like it, but basically shut down this crap. You are allowing it to go on, you are enabling it, and you are letting your daughter go but then feeling like the victim.

Make your choice. If you take a stand you will at least know, no matter how it turns out, that you took control and put an end to the games.

[arabian]

blocking facebook etc was a good move for me. Lawyer only communication is a good thing. It draws a line in the sand so to speak.

Take control of your life and get rid of the crazy stuff. Mess has good advice.

[JB514]

Mess, your post is actually nothing harsh, but to the point and makes sense.
After separation we did draw out separation agreement with 50/50 custody. When she started playing games and withholding my D from me, you are right, I should have gone to court then. But at that time over 8 years ago, court was something that I just heard about and had no clue that I could represent myself. I did not know anyone who has gone through divorce or custody battle. I was going through bankruptcy and financially could not even think the word Lawyer. Yes, totally my fault, should have done some research.

When my D was younger, I was very important person in her life and knowing my ex, at that time, it was easier to cave in. Plus as I said I am not confrontational person. When my D got older, she would start the same games in a sense like Oh, you don't do things this way then I don't want to see you. And because my ex would support her in that behavior, it became them against me and no one to reason with. But I guess every person has a breaking point, and it is not until recently that I started to grow some back bone and tired of being their puppet. And of course they didn't like that and I became the worst dad ever. Then my ex was taking me to court for varying CS and I was searching for a lawyer and came across this forum that has opened my eyes to a lot of things. So thanks everyone!!! Before, I continued to pay CS under old order, but for those 3 years my income was much lower. I knew if I take my ex to court to reduce CS, it will become a big fight for her.
As far as for blocking emails/facebook, I thought of that, but since I still had hope for reconciling with my D (which we did on and off) I was afraid to give them one more reason to say that Im cutting the bridge (which they did before). Legally, I might not have done much to save the relationship, but I have always been there for my D emotionally and physically and thought that it was what really mattered. Naive or stupid, whichever.

But hearing your advice and realizing that I got to do what I got to do, I will be blocking them out, and when in few months I go to courts to vary the support, I will ask for an order that all communication be via Wizard.

What do I seek to accomplish? By leaving the facebook open to my D, and when she asked about the glasses, I figured it was better to leave things neutral and not start the whole "your mother is to contact me" since I thought it showed wiliness and reasonableness to communicate with my D and that I am not shutting her out. We resolved that issue by me having to go to the optical place and pay once she picks out her glasses and then I get reimbursed. But then a month of silence and the msg that I posted in my OP. So I think now I have come to terms with the way things are (my D and my relationship) and do what Mess said>> ""Make your choice. If you take a stand you will at least know, no matter how it turns out, that you took control and put an end to the games.<<

Sorry for the Longest post ever!

[HammerDad]

A reply to your daughter of:

Daughter of Satan,

I am more than willing to accomodate and help you with purchasing the new glasses and dental work and want to help. I do want what is best for you.

However, there is an easier way to do these sorts of things. Next time, please have your mom email me letting me know what needs to be done. That way, I can call my provider to obtain the information and forward it back to your mom.

This will give me the heads up that I can expect to cover my proportional share of the service and it gives your mom the necessary information to find a provider in your neighbourhood and call to see what that providers process is.

I look forward to helping you with this and any thing else. But please, if you could arrange for your mom to communicate with me on this, I appreciate. I've never been a fan of using you as a means of communicating as I feel it puts you in the middle of adult issues that you shouldn't be subject to.

Thanks.

Love dad.

Her sob story stuff about you never supporting her is emotional drivel/blackmail. She knows it gets a rise out of you and works to get her way. Stop allowing yourself to be a participant in her pity-party.

But be willing to help. Tell them the proper process and go from there. It will establish some boundaries and while showing you are willing to be involved.

Also, do you and your ex share financial info so you can figure out your proportional share of the s7 expenses?

[JB514]

Thanks HammerDad, as far as your post what to say to my D, I get it. But the issue still stands: What were they looking to accomplish? About the optical places not dealing directly with my union, we had made arrangements that I will pay up front. But them saying that Dental Offices do not deal with my Insurance, that is a bunch of baloney. Did they just want to see if I am desperate enough to do what they want even if it doesn't make any logical sense? So even if I was dealing with my ex, there is no reasoning with her.

And no, we had never had any S.7 expenses. Some things I paid, other are covered by my benefits.

[HammerDad]

Did they just want to see if I am desperate enough to do what they want even if it doesn't make any logical sense? So even if I was dealing with my ex, there is no reasoning with her.

Their reasoning is irrelevent. Don't get drawn into their drama. Stick to the facts. Be pleasant but business like.

If you dwell on why they do things you will drive yourself as nuts as they are. Stick to what the agreement and the law provides.

If they want you to do something after the fact, simply say "OK, this time. But in future please inform me of any expenses prior to incurring them so that I can ensure the money will be there to cover my proportional expense." That is not an unreasonable request.

[JB514]

Yes, no more drama, something just occurred to me though. Few posters mentioned using Family Wizard for communication. And I thought that she still can use my D to communicate adult business even through Wizard. So my question is if its possible to ask the courts for an order prohibiting/restricting my ex to communicate through D?

[HammerDad]

So my question is if its possible to ask the courts for an order prohibiting/restricting my ex to communicate through D?

Sure you can ask. How much are you willing to spend to get them to give her a slap on the wrist and tell her not to do it again?

[murphyslaw]

Do not go through the courts looking for an order to prohibiting ex from communicating through daughter(my personal opinion).Your daughter will say that "he never listens to me no matter what I say,and he doesn't respect me etc. etc..".Your ex will do the wounded victim impersonation,"oh why does he keep on dragging us all through the courts"followed by dramatic sigh.Basicly the further you push this...the bigger an Ahole you will appear to be.Use the family wizard and hope for the best.Anything further than this and you will lose more of your daughters affections.Ask yourself is it worth it?Does making your ex uncomfortable mean more to you, than alienating your daughter?Just my 2cents on this.

[arabian]

JB514: Maybe you should step back from the situation for a while. You are making a big thing out of this. Save your energy for a really big issue. Engaging in any sort of verbal exchange with your ex and daughter right now probably isn't going to produce anything valuable. I'd leave it alone for a few weeks.

[JB514]

No, I was not planning on going to court over just that issue. I am due for cs change this November (income varies every year), so I thought that putting it somewhere with my motion to change will get it to be addressed. Nothing malicious to discomfort my ex.