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Trial reconciliation IF Separation agreement signed?

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  • Trial reconciliation IF Separation agreement signed?

    I've been separated for 7 months, living in matrimonial home with toddler. Mediation is booked for feb 15. I have great and likely naive hopes of settling on an equity payout for the house and a shared parenting agreement with my home as primary residence. There was some serious emotional and psychological abuse/manipulation at times in a nutshell nothing was ever his fault and because I have a history of depression I am clearly the one with all the problems. He is never wrong, never says sorry, never takes responsibility for his own mistakes. Tried extensive counselling but could not make headway. Finally separated and cut off most communication.

    THE POINT: now after a seven month break I miss him. I don't want to give up entirely. I believe we could only live together again with distinct separate space eg his "apartment" is in the basement and kitchen is shared. To protect myself I want the separation agreement signed before I tell him I want to keep trying eg counselling - even if only to develop a better friendship for parenting. I'm probably having some kind of normal reaction to the approaching mediation and possible finality. WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WILL THE SEPARATION AGREEMENT STAND EVEN IF WE (eventuAlly) COHABIT AGAIN? we both have our issues and shortcomings. The difference is that I admit to and work on mine. I fantasize about seeing the day he has his own epiphany and realizes its not the end of the world to say you were wrong, you made a mistake, you are sorry. Ironically it counts for nothing to him when I do those things - he only wants a guarantee the problem at issue will NEVER happen again. Who can promise that?! Anyhow, I'm really surprised and confused about my impulses to call him, his mother, friends, and try to make one last ditch effort to basically do an "intervention" type wake up call. Grow up or lose our family forever! Sigh. This should probably go to a different post section sorry. Really lost is the delusional warm and fuzzy memories and blocking out the regular hell that predominated. Why can't I or someone, anyone , show him that he needs to make some changes?! It really is like confronting an addict in denial.

  • #2
    Some agreements will indicate the length of time for a trial reconciliation needed to void the agreement.

    You may find therapy or counselling to be helpful.

    Comment


    • #3
      You miss him. But you miss the him he could be. And you have no control over whether or not he will ever change.

      I hate to be pessimistic, but I have had experience with people who say they will change. Change is extraordinarily difficult and true personal change has to be motivated from within, and its rare to make a big turnaround. Support of loved ones and counselling can be helpful, but at the end of the day, the person has to really deeply want to committ and actively work to change from within.

      I would not be waiting for that epiphany, I would be working towards separation on the basis that there will be no reconciliation. And then if a miracle happens, you can enjoy it.

      I agree that you should seek counselling or therapy. It sounds like he was emotionally abusive and you'd be better off without that in your life.

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      • #4
        Thanks OrleansLawyer

        Can I ask for a clause that indicates that regardless of the duration of reconciliation the agreement will stand? Further, do you have any ideas for a mandatory mediation clause to resolve any future disputes that may arise concerning our daughter, since we will have joint/shared custody?

        Counselling is ever present in my life. Unfortunately to him it is a very foreign concept. I'd almost say the couples counselling made it worse and brought things to a head. He needs an intervention-style confrontation!

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        • #5
          What don't you get?You guys tried counselling he clearly wasn't interested in changing, and that's that.He doesn’t want to change!!!He is happy the way he is!!!You WANTING a family in the traditional sense isnt going to turn him into a better man than the one you married.What you actually need is to be physically apart from him, and start working on your future as a co-parent.

          Agree with previous poster about emotional abuse.Maybe you should be going through a domestic violence 8 step program for rebuilding your self esteem rather than current counselling.Im sure most of us here wanted the perfect marriage with the 2.4 kids,nice house,picket fence,ride on lawnmower and family mutt ...but shit happened and life through us a curve ball.Point is ....dont waste your life waiting for him to change -just be be the best you can be, for yourself and your kid.

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          • #6
            I think that the separation agreement finalizes the end of the relationship. If a subsequent relationship were to develop for you, it would have its own new start date, etc. If it happened to be with him, the same should apply - starting from scratch. People who get back together with exes after divorce still have to get remarried; the old separation isn't invalidated.

            But he isn't going to change. The more people push him to do so, ESPECIALLY you, the more he's going to dig in and continue to blame everyone else for his own shortcomings.

            Don't even mention to him that you hope for reconciliation, because he'll just use that to manipulate you into an unfavourable (to you) separation agreement. So don't urge for any clauses about potential reconciliation and let on about your hopes.

            We all have hopes. But you need to set the ones about him aside for a few years and examine reality, and work on what you have now.

            Frankly, from how you have described him, I can't imagine anyone would find him good partner material. Keep in mind that the good points that got you together with him in the first place are derived from his ability to manipulate, and not really there.

            How does that saying go? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Instead of holding yourself back from life hoping that he'll magically change into Prince Charming, why don't you work on your own self esteem and start looking for partner who isn't a toad to begin with. The fact that you have a child together means you have to keep dealing with him as a co-parent, but it doesn't mean you aren't stuck with him as a spouse forever.

            You probably don't "miss" him, per se. What you miss is having a partner. It's pretty natural to start to look back at the good times and downplay the bad ones. But that doesn't mean the bad times wouldn't start right back up again at a reconciliation.

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            • #7
              I've made a few similar mistakes since separation. Fool me three times...what are you crazy? Yes, yes I was.

              I think Rioe has it right. You need to get through the process and see how you feel. Hopefully by then you will have regained some self confidence and be able to see things in a better perspective.

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              • #8
                Re-read those 7 last sentences in your messages. He is not the only one in denial. You are in denial, big time, and in a fog so thick you can't even see your right hand.

                Get counselling before you even think again about going back to someone who has"serious emotional and psychological abuse/manipulation"..

                About the mediation: If he is always "right" why would you want to mediate anyway? If "He is never wrong, never says sorry, never takes responsibility for his own mistakes"

                Maybe Valentine's day making you a little sentimental? What the hell! Do something nice for yourself and your child and celebrate this day on your own, just the two of you!

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                • #9
                  If you care for him cut him free and move on.

                  A relationship based on trying to change the other person is futile.

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                  • #10
                    contrary to what most people have to say here, i would encourage you to keep trying, do sign the separation agreement, but do get him counseling if he would agree to it. as well as your self, perhaps separately would be the best at beginning. a big reason of why relationships end so rapidly in our countries is the attitude noticed above, people are quick to give up.

                    i applaud your efforts to reconcile, may they be fruitful.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by sahibjee View Post
                      contrary to what most people have to say here, i would encourage you to keep trying, do sign the separation agreement, but do get him counseling if he would agree to it. as well as your self, perhaps separately would be the best at beginning. a big reason of why relationships end so rapidly in our countries is the attitude noticed above, people are quick to give up.

                      i applaud your efforts to reconcile, may they be fruitful.
                      did you miss the part where she said "extensive" counselling??? He doesnt want to change and refuses to see where he has some issues also. No amount of therapy will help someone who isnt receptive to the help. I think you need to re-read the first post again and carefully.

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                      • #12
                        Thank you, Downtrodden Dad. Your words of wisdom really resonated.

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                        • #13
                          Thank you all so very, very much for your replies. I already let go of him and now I have to let go of the fantasy, too. It's not easy but your collective words are very much appreciated. Best to all of you.

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                          • #14
                            That's great...you are stronger than you realize. Continue with the counselling. As you know by now, couples counselling hasn't worked for you. It seldom if ever does when the other person is the abuser; in fact it can worsen matters, as you have found.

                            Surround yourself with people who truly care for you and encourage you. Join a support group and help others as they are helping you. You can do it...and you and your child will truly live a better life...a peaceful one.

                            I left my husband after 42 years of abuse. I have a much better life now, and at last have experienced calmness and happiness in my life. I would hate to see another woman or man stay in an abusive relationship where the perpetrator has no remorse and does not want to change their abusive ways.

                            Comment

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