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  • #31
    Welcome to the jungle we call ODF....where lose-lose situations are rampant.

    Taught our whole lives to get educated and get a job so that you can support your family (Men and Women). You did that.

    If you didn't have a job you couldn't pay child support and would be called a deadbeat piece of crap. You have a job and need to go on a business trip to pay the bills and you're told you're a bad father. (Puke) .. Gotta love it.

    I see posers take no issue with your ex's choice to not communicate or return your messages. She doesn't deserve the parent-of-the-year award either buddy.
    Last edited by LovingFather32; 02-03-2017, 09:26 AM.

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    • #32
      Originally posted by Janus View Post
      You are indeed missing something. You think that the family justice system is fair, it is not.

      As a father, there is an assumption that you are not the primary parent. There is a further assumption that you do not want to be the primary parent, and that if you say you want shared custody, you are only saying that to reduce your child support obligations.


      You take month long trips, that alone means that you cannot be the primary parent.

      This is not a joke.

      What are you talking about? This whole as a father you're presumed to not be primary parent is complete non sense. The court has to listen to both sides to determine who was the primary care giver.

      Taking long trips doesn't mean he can't be the primary parent. To be fair to dad, he is not taking a long "trip" or "vacation" to Paris. He is travelling for work. He is doing it to pay child support. If he was taking a month off and not paying child support, then it would be completely different story. You can be the sole custodial parent but the children live with the other parent. That's fully possible in family law.

      But I completely agree with you that trying to get more access and at the same time complaining about mom not allowing it but taking a month off for work doesn't go hand in hand. He is pushing and pulling at the same time.

      I don't think I understood correctly, did you already have this weekend in an agreement? I thought you wanted this weekend and access but she kept saying no so you decided to go off to work and asked to have her for at least Friday?

      Switching weekends - okay and routine. Taking a month off to go to a business trip while trying to get more access and criticizing mom for not giving it to you - not okay.

      If my post is accurate, and you cancelled your weekend access and your weekends for the next 4 weeks, for your job, while trying to get more access, then you're putting a bad name on us eow dads who are doing anything and everything they can to be at minimum an equal parent.

      At least fly back every other weekend to see your kids. I would tell my work to f off if I was asked to fly out during access time.

      F*CK the job. Family comes first.

      PursuingHappiness - do you still think that I'm here to insult mothers?
      Last edited by trinton; 02-03-2017, 10:01 AM.

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      • #33
        It would be interesting/helpful to know what sort of 1-month trip he is taking (company-paid commission-earned, sales convention/vacation, training, secular missionary "work"or whatever). Is the trip a regular requirement of his job (contemplated at the time of separation)... how long has he known about the 1-month mandatory absence from home?

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        • #34
          Originally posted by trinton View Post
          I don't think I understood correctly, did you already have this weekend in an agreement? I thought you wanted this weekend and access but she kept saying no so you decided to go off to work and asked to have her for at least Friday?
          This is correct. On Jan 30, I made a request to have the children from Thursday till tomorrow, Saturday. I would pick them up from school Thursday while she picks them up from Ottawa on Saturday. I did not receive a response and assumed she was not ok with the idea. Probably because I had the kids last weekend, but also an additional attempt to keep me away from the children's school for whatever reason. So I cancelled and I am glad I did as the kids did not go to school on Thursday! I do not know where the live so this would have been a trip done in vain. Hoping this clears things up.

          Switching weekends - okay and routine. Taking a month off to go to a business trip while trying to get more access and criticizing mom for not giving it to you - not okay.
          Not quite what I was trying to do. Very unreasonable.

          If my post is accurate, and you cancelled your weekend access and your weekends for the next 4 weeks, for your job, while trying to get more access, then you're putting a bad name on us eow dads who are doing anything and everything they can to be at minimum an equal parent.
          Please see above. That would not be appropriate and it would be silly for me to come to this board and make such a claim.

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          • #35
            Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
            Welcome to the jungle we call ODF....where lose-lose situations are rampant.

            Taught our whole lives to get educated and get a job so that you can support your family (Men and Women). You did that.

            If you didn't have a job you couldn't pay child support and would be called a deadbeat piece of crap. You have a job and need to go on a business trip to pay the bills and you're told you're a bad father. (Puke) .. Gotta love it.

            I see posers take no issue with your ex's choice to not communicate or return your messages. She doesn't deserve the parent-of-the-year award either buddy.
            Indeed, a jungle Best to just ignore some responses which do not make any absolute sense, I guess. Think I am on the right track here based on some solid advice. Thanks.

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            • #36
              Originally posted by arabian View Post
              It would be interesting/helpful to know what sort of 1-month trip he is taking (company-paid commission-earned, sales convention/vacation, training, secular missionary "work"or whatever). Is the trip a regular requirement of his job (contemplated at the time of separation)... how long has he known about the 1-month mandatory absence from home?
              Not a regular requirement of the job. This is a trip planned well in advance. Also a month here really equates to two weekends with the kids hence the attempt to make it up with this weekend, which was thwarted of course.

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              • #37
                Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                Point taken. However, I made a conscious effort to spend time with the children this weekend which she thwarted. Good thing I did not make that 90 minute drive, since she kept the children out of school. It is very easy to make all this work for the kids if the other person is a mature and responsible adult, even if I have to leave town for a month. I will still have phone access. I will still have FaceTime access assuming she allows.
                Do you have an agreement that spells out when you are allowed to FaceTime with them? If not, I think you can assume it isn't going to happen.

                Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                Well, how did you come to such a conclusion that because I am leaving for a month, there is no flexibility? I would be home on the next plane if such a situation arises, trust me on this one
                I am basing this conclusion on the fact that you couldn't leave a day later to accommodate the normal pickup time, but were instead expecting your ex to accommodate you. I am basing this conclusion on the fact that you can't interrupt your trip to return home for your normal access weekends.

                However, now you posted more information that makes it seem like this isn't your normal access weekend, and you were simply asking to see them for part of her weekend before you left for a month? Just a few days in advance? And she's responded by not answering and by removing your ability to steal the children from school on her time. So she's not actually denying you access, but instead protecting herself from you denying her access? Let me know if I'm mistaken here.

                Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                She does not have to accommodate for this. But I tell you something, it is in the best of our collective effort if I maintain employment. This is not a stretch to ask. I let them take the kids to Newfoundland for 3 weeks and did not raise a stink
                Okay, once again, you letting her have the children for three weeks and you now expecting her to take them for four weeks so you can work are NOT equivalent! They are both indicative of a father who doesn't seem to want to be with his children! It's going to hurt you in court.

                Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                I honestly cannot see why two mature adults cannot work together as a unit to parent children in a divorce. We all work with teams even though we are not married to our co-workers. How does this work? Are you telling me we can only work together within a marital context?
                You already have evidence that your ex is not going to be a cooperative person. Stop expecting it from her and start getting ready for court. And stop giving her evidence of your disinterest in your children to use against you.

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                • #38
                  Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                  Do you have an agreement that spells out when you are allowed to FaceTime with them? If not, I think you can assume it isn't going to happen.
                  I have come to lower my expectatiions. Of course it's not going to happen even though it is in the children's best interest to be able to see their father when talking to him. Let's do the right thing and not look for a written agreement. There's no written agreement in place for anything yet I pay CS.

                  I am basing this conclusion on the fact that you couldn't leave a day later to accommodate the normal pickup time, but were instead expecting your ex to accommodate you. I am basing this conclusion on the fact that you can't interrupt your trip to return home for your normal access weekends.
                  Well, did she respond and ask me to leave a day later which I refused? And you keep missing the point here. I have never said I cannot interrupt the trip. If she did present to me that option, I would have considered. Point here, is I never received a respond and have not till today. No one is asking for favors here. I am trying to strike a balance and if it does not work for her, I expect her to simply say no, so that I can propose another plan, which will work for everyone. Heck, she could even go as far as proposing one herself. That would be much appreciated. That is what adults do Someone has to be proactive. Someone has to work and pay for the children's needs. Someone has to be the adult. Someone has to look beyond self and instead look at what is in the children's best interest. I suspect that until you have a better understanding of what this woman has put the children and myself through over the past year, you will continue to take this stance.

                  However, now you posted more information that makes it seem like this isn't your normal access weekend, and you were simply asking to see them for part of her weekend before you left for a month? Just a few days in advance? And she's responded by not answering and by removing your ability to steal the children from school on her time. So she's not actually denying you access, but instead protecting herself from you denying her access? Let me know if I'm mistaken here.
                  You cannot be serious. So it is ok for her not to respond to a proposed child access schedule, which covered the whole year, instead of explicitly stating so. It is ok for her to respond by stealing the children out of school without telling me considering I live about 90 minutes away? When you say protecting herself, do you also realize that I am the father of these children and since we do not have this agreement you keep referring to, I am legally entitled to them 50% of the time? Perhaps removing the kids from school is her consistent effort to further thwart my attempts at getting involved in the children's lives by knowing their school, friends, agenda and talking to their teachers? . Perhaps, my children want to show me around their school? Did you ever consider this? Perhaps I should be the one starting to protect my interest here. Since your primary focus is looking for opportunities to prove that I am a bad father, I doubt you will be able to see things from this other perspective.

                  Okay, once again, you letting her have the children for three weeks and you now expecting her to take them for four weeks so you can work are NOT equivalent! They are both indicative of a father who doesn't seem to want to be with his children! It's going to hurt you in court.
                  Well, there is something in life called picking your battles. I did not leave her with the children for 3 weeks because I had nothing better to do. First, she never told me they will be gone for 3 weeks. Of course she is free to do whatever. When I finally learned by talking to the children that they were stuck out there due to weather concerns, I had two choices:
                  • make a stink about it
                  • just be cool about it and hope they safely return home when possible

                  The second choice sounded reasonable and I chose it. I will do the same thing today as it sounds like the right thing to do and allow me to sleep in peace. I will also be clear. I have the children every second weekend so when we are talking about time frames, perhaps we should have that in mind. 4 week access for her does not equate to 4 week access for me. So in the children's best interest, seeking opportunities for them to spend more time with their father is beneficial. It is even beneficial for her since guess what, she is pregnant today

                  You already have evidence that your ex is not going to be a cooperative person. Stop expecting it from her and start getting ready for court. And stop giving her evidence of your disinterest in your children to use against you.
                  That's what I am doing as we speak. Obviously being the mature, accommodating and only working adult, proactively trying to strike a balance between family responsibilities and earning a living, equates to disinterest. Points taken but I'll surely be damned. Let's see what the courts have to say.

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                  • #39
                    If I am reading correctly you had the kids last weekend so this was her weekend with them. She was under no obligation to let you have them.

                    You also say this trip was planned well in advance, so obviously you knew well in advance you were going to miss time with the kids? Why did you plan something with your ex well in advance rather than give her a few days?

                    You also state that you never once said this trip wasn't flexible so that means you can fly back next weekend to be with your children on your access weekend right?

                    Because you are the once cancelling your parenting time, she does not have to give you make up time. If she was cancelling your parenting time or asking you to switch she would have to give you make up time.

                    I will also tell you, living 90 minutes away from your children isn't going to allow you to be a 50-50 parent.


                    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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                    • #40
                      Originally posted by Berner_Faith View Post
                      If I am reading correctly you had the kids last weekend so this was her weekend with them. She was under no obligation to let you have them.

                      You also say this trip was planned well in advance, so obviously you knew well in advance you were going to miss time with the kids? Why did you plan something with your ex well in advance rather than give her a few days?

                      You also state that you never once said this trip wasn't flexible so that means you can fly back next weekend to be with your children on your access weekend right?

                      Because you are the once cancelling your parenting time, she does not have to give you make up time. If she was cancelling your parenting time or asking you to switch she would have to give you make up time.

                      I will also tell you, living 90 minutes away from your children isn't going to allow you to be a 50-50 parent.


                      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


                      I agree with this. My ex did this all the time in the beginning - "I'm going on a trip so I can't take the kids but please accommodate all these other days I am free". You needed to discuss this with her well in advance if you wanted any kind of flexibility from her. I agree with other posters that two weeks minimum would've been better. Then she would've looked unreasonable in refusing to discuss it with you and denying your time. The reality is, she is the one who is available for the kids for the next month and this fact will probably be used against you when you do try to come to some agreement on an access schedule. If you had a 50/50 schedule in place and you had to go out of town for a month, you would need to arrange babysitters or forgo your time - so what do you think the courts will say to that? You say it won't be a regular thing but if you are anywhere close to negotiating the access agreement I would not have gone on the business trip.
                      I'm sure she's being difficult. I would bet on it. However, without a formal agreement, she really isn't doing anything wrong. You sent a proposal she didn't agree with (and chose to show her disagreement by not responding). She isn't doing anything wrong.


                      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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                      • #41
                        I'm curious - why do you not know where your children live?

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                        • #42
                          Originally posted by arabian View Post
                          I'm curious - why do you not know where your children live?
                          Because she will not disclose her home address. I can find out where they live but thought it matter of courtesy to let her disclose. Don't want to show up there and get a bullet in my head! Just like she brings her boyfriend to every exchange for protection even though I have zero history of violence. Guess these are the things you start to imagine after you've caused some shameful mischief around town. The kids are young and cannot recite their address. I am hesitant to provide more context into this but let's just say it is an interesting case, in which she also left town with the children on false pretext. My price to pay, I guess.

                          Wish some of these things are covered in some kind of marriage class....

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                          • #43
                            Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                            Since your primary focus is looking for opportunities to prove that I am a bad father, I doubt you will be able to see things from this other perspective.
                            My primary purpose is to point out to you all the things you are already doing that make you appear to be a bad father so you can stop doing them. When you have an uncooperative ex, you must conduct yourself in ways that are beyond reproach and the height of reasonableness. The actions you describe taking are not that.

                            Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                            Wish some of these things are covered in some kind of marriage class....
                            Oh I hear you there! Better still, that marriage class should include full financial disclosure and an automatic prenup. Marriage is the only contract usually signed with next to NO knowledge about what it entails.

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                            • #44
                              From my experience of having an ex who for a long time was absolutely inflexible about changing the schedule to accommodate my work, I learned to bend work around the schedule. So I left for work trips a day late, returned a day early, and in one supposedly fun thing I will never do again, traveled to central Asia on work and returned within a week.

                              If you're dealing with an unreasonable person, it's useless to try to reason with them. And if they are not obligated to do something (like change the schedule by a day or two to accommodate you), they will not do it, so it's useless to ask and then get upset if they don't respond. Unreasonable people do not understand reciprocity ("Dad was flexible when I needed some extra time this summer so I'll be flexible now"). They do not grasp the concept of what-goes-around-comes-around.

                              I would chalk this one up to experience and let it go. Yes, your ex could have helped you out by rearranging the schedule, but she didn't have to, and so she didn't. If you expect your ex to behave the way you would behave in a similar situation, you will drive yourself crazy. Your work schedule is going to have to flex to accommodate your parenting time, not the other way around. It sucks, but until your ex gets a personality transplant, that's the way it will be.

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