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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #21  
Old 04-04-2021, 10:49 PM
Brampton33 Brampton33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
Child (4) is not allowed to bring any toys from Dad's house with her. Everything has to stay there. I guess it's fine? Just petty.
That is pretty lame. But kids catch on pretty quick when there is a parent being needlessly difficult, having 'rules' about the other parent, or simply being adversarial in the parenting relationship. They can tell at young ages who is genuine, and who is being petty.

I've read somewhere (or heard somewhere) that kids will eventually realize that Parent A was a constant wrench in the wheels, or Parent A constantly gave Parent B a hard time, or Parent A tried to restrict child's relationship with Parent B, and will eventually dislike Parent A for acting in such ways.
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  #22  
Old 04-05-2021, 09:35 AM
Mom2414 Mom2414 is offline
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My husbands ex has been through several relationships since they separated. Every time she couples, its as if her separation/divorce from my husband just happened and not 10 years ago. So we restart over and over again with the drama and hatefulness.


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  #23  
Old 04-05-2021, 10:19 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brampton33 View Post
That is pretty lame. But kids catch on pretty quick when there is a parent being needlessly difficult, having 'rules' about the other parent, or simply being adversarial in the parenting relationship. They can tell at young ages who is genuine, and who is being petty.

I've read somewhere (or heard somewhere) that kids will eventually realize that Parent A was a constant wrench in the wheels, or Parent A constantly gave Parent B a hard time, or Parent A tried to restrict child's relationship with Parent B, and will eventually dislike Parent A for acting in such ways.

I was an alienated child but my situation was complicated by two parents who had suffered childhood trauma and resultant mental health issues. It wasnt until I was in my 20s that I saw my parents for who they were and made a point to not get into their petty hatred for each other. The biggest problem I have found is the unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions which makes it worse. In my husbands case, his ex takes zero responsibility for what happened in their marriage and expected him to take all the responsibility and blame including things he didnt do. The kids are both old enough to see things for the way they are but dont because its easier to see him as the bad guy. His problem is that he fought to have them forgive him when he should have been telling them it was not their business. His ex fully involved them regardless of their age.

This is why I say be the better person and see a therapist on how to deal with petty bs behaviours. If you manage the situation from your perspective in a healthy way you are already ahead. If you waste your energy trying to get them to change you will be wasting your time.


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  #24  
Old 04-05-2021, 02:54 PM
cranberry cranberry is offline
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I am dealing with an ex who has told our boys (12) that they can choose who to live with now they are 12. I/we have had an incredibly difficult 12 months since the boys were told this. With counseling and very hard work, we are finally experiencing some sense of normal.

Per our agreement, Easter was spent at my house. Ex is not happy our lives are improving. During their Skype call on Thursday, stepmom told the boys to ask me to take a picture of them and send it to their dad so she could draw their picture. I said no, stepmom can take her own picture when they return to dad. This almost sent one of the boys into a tailspin that I only think about myself. During their Skype call on Saturday, dad decided to rip into one having a few math assignments incomplete. We do virtual school, so receive daily updates re homework. Ex has never ever been interested in incomplete homework before or waited to speak about it during his parenting time. Anyway, kid was furious at being called out and took his anger out on me.

Given the year that we have had and knowing we are improving, I can't help but think these two instances occured to covertly ruin our Easter weekend.

Its up to me to control my thought about what is real or imagined, but I just can't help but think it was deliberate.
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  #25  
Old 04-05-2021, 03:05 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Even if it was you need to manage your reaction. You cant change them, you can only change your reaction. You can also work with your boys on managing their reaction. Add it to the topics for counseling and see how it could have been managed. Your kids are also going through puberty with a lot of hormones and trying to please their dad. Let them know its ok to not do everything he wants and to remember this is their time with you not his time to control.


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  #26  
Old 04-17-2021, 01:04 PM
Brampton33 Brampton33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
2) If a kid was sick and sleeping, but her parenting time was starting, she would show up at the house and demand that I wake up the kid because my parenting time was over.

3) When I called a kid on her birthday, she said I could talk for 3 minutes. 180 seconds later on the dot she hung up the phone.
I face similar petty instances. I've been told to document everything, for when I need it in court. Not that every instant solely justifies a repurcussion in court but rather to demonstrate a pattern of indifferent and alienating behaviour. My ex cares more about "preventing/hindering relationship with dad" than the actual well-being of our kids.

The question is, will such petty behaviours eventually backfire on the conducting parent? Does a judge even consider this kind of stuff when brought to their attention? Like seriously, if kid is sick, does it make sense to tell the kid to immediately get dressed so they can be dropped off to someone else's care, rather than take it easy in bed and pajamas? That is obviously not prioritizing kid and should show a poor reflection on the other parent...
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  #27  
Old 04-17-2021, 06:03 PM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Originally Posted by enchantedowl View Post
Would love some coping strategies you developed over the years to overcome this personally. Any mantras or outlooks that would be useful. I am in a similar boat, and can take all the insults aimed at my, but when it comes to the kids being hurt/used as pawns it really gets to me.
I just realized that I never responded to this.

I think overall, my main thoughts are:

1) I cannot control my ex
2) I CAN control my reaction to my ex
3) The opinion of my ex is utterly irrelevant to me
4) My goal is to ensure the best outcome for my children.

What does that imply?

A) I never try to convince her that she is wrong.
B) I assume that my ex will do the worst thing possible, and plan for it
C) I ONLY contact my ex in writing, and I write very short, brief, factual messages. (I've seen it mentioned as the BIFF principle, it works)
D) I model positive behaviour around the kids
E) I vent like it is going out of style to my friends
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  #28  
Old 04-17-2021, 06:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Brampton33 View Post
I face similar petty instances. I've been told to document everything, for when I need it in court.
I would send a brief message. Eg. "[Kid] was very sick today. You picked up [kid] today at 10am and refused to let her sleep in. I do not believe that this was in the best interest of [kid]. Please refrain from doing so in the future"

She would write back, but I would not respond, the point was to get it in writing, and her responding, which meant that she was validating that the event happened. I was not actually trying to convince her of anything, I was just building a record.

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Not that every instant solely justifies a repurcussion in court but rather to demonstrate a pattern of indifferent and alienating behaviour. My ex cares more about "preventing/hindering relationship with dad" than the actual well-being of our kids.
In fact, I had no intention of ever going to court. I have 50% parenting time, and I am unlikely to ever get more. Amassing evidence let me do two things:

1) It gave me piece of mind that I was unlikely to ever lose my shared custody.
2) It let me get over my fears when she would threaten to drag me to court. I would ignore those threats of course... but it was scary! During those times I would look over my saved and catalogued incidents and say to myself "ok, if she actually brings me to court, I can wreck her. All is good". This was important because it let me resist some of her more egrigious nonsense.

Quote:
The question is, will such petty behaviours eventually backfire on the conducting parent?
Legally? Doubtful. Petty nonsense does not usually get any meaningful change.

From the kids? Absolutely. As they got older the kids became more annoyed and less tolerant of her shenanigans.

Quote:
Does a judge even consider this kind of stuff when brought to their attention?
If she tried to take the kids away from me, I imagine it could be a good defense. On the other hand, it does not rise to the level of her losing custody.

Quote:
Like seriously, if kid is sick, does it make sense to tell the kid to immediately get dressed so they can be dropped off to someone else's care, rather than take it easy in bed and pajamas?
To be fair, it was her parenting time, and she has the right to make parenting decisions during her parenting time. I may not agree with those decisions, but that is part of why we are divorced.
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  #29  
Old 04-20-2021, 06:21 AM
Kkc Kkc is offline
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Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
If you ignore it they will get bored eventually and stop. In every situation I have observed / helped with for the past 14 years... 99.9% of the nonsense self stops. In the 0.1% case the court stops it and awards sole custody and majority access.
Would 14/17 Fielding criteria for alienation fall in the later

Quick examples.. refused to give me my son's apple id so I can call him, when I got it from his sister's iPad, I could call him once or twice before my number was blocked. Created a new account and then it got blocked. Then they shut his account altogether. I asked about this and she said don't tell me what to do with MY iPads

I ask for academic and medical information she says I am harrassing her and she is the majority parent.

Tells my daughter that she can't eat bc she only gets 7600 a month and in front of us said if I loved my kids I would pay for them..then my 8 year old repeated this right after and demanded that I pay her mom..it's recorded so I'm not making it up.

Refused to facilitate access..that is still going on
On Sunday I showed up to pick daughter up and was told that she refused to come out..I got a phone call that sounded like my daughter voice was coming from an electronic device..she refused to do a video call..my daughter has never refused to come to the door to insult me to please her mom

My daughter was not there and they had her make a recording or call from Grandma's house
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  #30  
Old 04-20-2021, 06:25 AM
Kkc Kkc is offline
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My son who is 6 seems to already be annoyed by it..I'm happy he is figuring it out but worried about him processing this so young
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