Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

parallel parenting issue

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • parallel parenting issue

    Our daughter (14) is having "loyalty" issues that I do not know how to address;

    She recently told me that her and her mother had a "fight" because she told her mother that I had agreed to get her a dress, shoes and to take her to get her hair done for an end of school year event. Now our daughter had asked her mother about getting these things for her earlier in the week and was told that she could not afford to and that it was frivolous to buy a dress for only one occasion. Her mother decided that it was best for our daughter to wear dress pants and a nice top. Now we parallel parent so not everything is communicated between us.

    So when our daughter comes over to my house she tells me that she really wants to wear a dress, etc. I agree to get the items for her.

    Her mother was very upset by this and told our daughter that it was not fair to her that she was doing everything at dad’s house. This made our daughter "angry" because she felt that her mother had already said no. Well drama ensued (the fight) and her mother took her out the next day and bought her shoes. I took her to get a dress.

    How do other parents help their children learn to navigate between the two households while trying to be fair and not feel disloyal to mom? or is this an adult (mother) with a problem and I simply do nothing; or do I consider the child's wishes and continue to take up the slack when I am asked to by our children?

    This is the first time I have taken up the slack because I knew it would not be appreciated by her mother but I wanted our daughter to have a memorable experience.
    Last edited by first timer; 06-27-2012, 02:22 PM.

  • #2
    Note: our agreement does not address • Who is responsible for buying special clothes for an event.

    Comment


    • #3
      Sounds to me like the kid is playing you against each other for her own material benefit. She's using your money and mom's guilt to get her way, which is unfair to both of you.

      It isn't 'unfair' that the kid is doing those things at your house vs hers, neither would it be if it were the other way around. It's impractical to try to do all of it at each house. The unfair part is the way your kid is manipulating the situation to get what she wants.

      She's old enough to be told AND understand that it's wrong to play mom and dad against each other. Kids SHOULD have an understanding that mom and dad are on the same page and support each others' decisions/rules etc regardless of whether you agree with it. You don't undermine the other parent by going behind their back, discussing it with the kid instead of the other parent and having complete disregard for what the other parent chooses. If you do, you're teaching your kid that it's OK to manipulate not inly you & mom, but others to get what she wants.

      What you SHOULD be doing is discussing this with mom to avoid future events like this and come to a mutual decision about how you'll handle it, even if that's just to give the kid an initial response of 'let mom & I discuss it and we'll let you know'.

      Comment


      • #4
        At 14, she should be old enough to be aware of the communication issues between her parents (and old enough to take advantage of it, unfortunately).

        It seems that in this case you made a choice to pick up the slack - no problem with that at all. (Actually, why is this a rare occurrence?) But - even though you parallel parent - it would have been nice to notify the other parent so that they could have time to 'react in private'. Nice ... but not necessary, as the other parent is ultimately responsible for how they act in front of the kid.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by dinkyface View Post
          At 14, she should be old enough to be aware of the communication issues between her parents (and old enough to take advantage of it, unfortunately).

          It seems that in this case you made a choice to pick up the slack - no problem with that at all. (Actually, why is this a rare occurrence?) But - even though you parallel parent - it would have been nice to notify the other parent so that they could have time to 'react in private'. Nice ... but not necessary, as the other parent is ultimately responsible for how they act in front of the kid.
          Agreed about not having a display in front of the kid. Totally understand where she's coming from on the feeling 'one upped' though. She probably did the best she could and felt she was providing her daughter with something nice only to be one upped by the other parent who is able and willing to provide more. Either way, the kid is playing both parents like a guitar.

          Comment


          • #6
            Just to clarify, we do not co-parent; there is no communication outside of the givens: health, education, schedule; I received the invitation/notification from our daughter 4 days after our daughter had received it at school; there was no email from her mother regarding this event; not even one letting me know her mother was attending (tickets had to be purchased); I had to send an email asking her if she wanted a ticket to go or not; so I was not aware of what was going on at her mother's house until after our daughter asked me to buy her the items she wanted; it is a rare thing because if an event falls on my week I am responsible and vice versa; we do not communicate or interfere in each other's household; it has been this way since 2007; this is the first time our daughter wanted more and asked me for it; I do cover the costs of school supplies, seasonal clothing, summer camps, etc. even though we are 50/50 and our incomes are pretty much the same; so if she was going to feel one upped, wouldn't their mother have felt that way before now; I don't understand it at all;

            on a side note: I was providing the dress pants and nice top as well not her mother;
            Last edited by first timer; 06-27-2012, 03:58 PM.

            Comment


            • #7
              I'm confused. You can communicate well enough for her to decide what your daughter would be wearing and let you know either what to get or how much it is (as you said you were providing it) but you can't communicate well enough to coordinate the buying of a dress instead? Something sounds fishy here.

              You can't use the 'she started it' excuse to offload your accountability. You aren't 5 years old here. Mom said one thing based on what she felt she could afford, kid runs to you knowing that you can/will spend more, you say another, kid exploits the refusal to communicate. It's that simple. If you let it continue it will do exactly that.

              Either way, your kid is old enough to let you know herself that there is an event, tickets need to be purchased etc. The kid is also old enough to see that mom and dad can't/don't/won't communicate and she's old enough to figure out how to exploit that.

              Perhaps if you keep yourself abreast of the goings on with the school next year you won't have to rely on either the kid or ex to keep you informed.

              What you NEED to realize here is that this isn't a 'mom' issue. This is a KID issue and a behavioural issue. The behaviour is a symptom, the problem is the two of you refusing to communicate for the best interests of your child and in turn your kid is having issues.

              You said your "daughter felt that mom had already said no". What you SHOULD have done was backed mom up, supported her decision and provided a united front instead of throwing her under the bus and in direct line of fire for your kid's "anger".

              Comment


              • #8
                I don't see anything fishy or even that the daughter is being manipulative.

                Dad didn't know Mum had turned her down, so he wasn't undermining the Mum's authority. Daughter is within her rights to ask the other parent if the first says they can't afford something. Different household, different budget.

                If Mum thinks buying a one-off is frivolous, that is her opinion, but how does she get to force that opinion on Dad? Just because she was asked first? If Daughter had asked Dad first, there would be no conflict here.

                If this was about discipline, homework, chores, or whether Daughter gets to stay out late for a party, then yes, parents shouldn't undermine each other. But I think buying clothes for a special occasion is a bit different situation.

                Comment


                • #9
                  A simple answer (I didn't read all the responses too carefully - so perhaps its already ben said), but I don't see any 'fault' on either the ex, yourself, or your daughter from what you've said.

                  But the easy answer is that you probably should have told your daughter before agreeing that you will consider it - but needed to talk to your ex about it first.

                  Chances are (I hope!) that if you had just spoken to the ex about it first, she wouldn't have felt blind-sided and become as defensive as she did.

                  Of course, if you two can't get along - then maybe that isn't the most pratical advice.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                    I'm confused. You can communicate well enough for her to decide what your daughter would be wearing and let you know either what to get or how much it is (as you said you were providing it) but you can't communicate well enough to coordinate the buying of a dress instead? Something sounds fishy here.

                    You can't use the 'she started it' excuse to offload your accountability. You aren't 5 years old here. Mom said one thing based on what she felt she could afford, kid runs to you knowing that you can/will spend more, you say another, kid exploits the refusal to communicate. It's that simple. If you let it continue it will do exactly that.

                    Either way, your kid is old enough to let you know herself that there is an event, tickets need to be purchased etc. The kid is also old enough to see that mom and dad can't/don't/won't communicate and she's old enough to figure out how to exploit that.

                    Perhaps if you keep yourself abreast of the goings on with the school next year you won't have to rely on either the kid or ex to keep you informed.

                    What you NEED to realize here is that this isn't a 'mom' issue. This is a KID issue and a behavioural issue. The behaviour is a symptom, the problem is the two of you refusing to communicate for the best interests of your child and in turn your kid is having issues.

                    You said your "daughter felt that mom had already said no". What you SHOULD have done was backed mom up, supported her decision and provided a united front instead of throwing her under the bus and in direct line of fire for your kid's "anger".
                    I disagree with this whole sentiment. Why shouldn't he give his daughter the things he wants to? The PROBLEM was that Mom got defensive and picked a fight. The daughter simply asked for what she wanted. By the sounds of it - she communicated that Mom said 'no'. So she turned to another possible avenue.

                    Getting a new dress, make-up, and her hair 'did is an important part of growing up and going out for special occasions. Nothing wrong at all with Dad supporting that.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      As I wrote before the only communication between her mother and I occurred after I received the invite (on father's day). Her mother had 4 days to email me to let me know about the event and any plans she was making with our daughter. This did not happen, the only communication was when I sent an email asking if she wanted ticket(s) to go. I did let her know in the email thread that I would be taking our daughter to get her shoes, dress, hair done and the only response I received was: yes I will be attending. That was the end of the communication between her and I. 3 days later, on transfer day, I find out from our daughter what had happened between her mother and her. I ignored her mother's behaviour and asked our daughter what she wanted to do. I supported our daughter's decision because it was not selfish in any way; I do communicate through email with my ex but there is no communication back; I can't read her mind so the majority of the decisions we make are one-sided because I do not receive responses so I guess its not really communication but more like the exchange of information. I have no intention of trying to make their mother communicate with me; I do my part; I pass on the information in a timely manner; its not perfect but it works; this occasion bothered me because I felt that her mother was more focused on her own feelings about this and not on our daughter's feelings; Thanks everyone for your input; I appreciate it;
                      Last edited by first timer; 06-28-2012, 07:45 AM.

                      Comment

                      Our Divorce Forums
                      Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                      Working...
                      X