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  • How to Decide When to End a Log-Term Relationship

    A great article on how to decide if it's time to stay or go:


    "Relationships are among of the most complex aspects of our lives, particularly long-term relationships such as marriage. Your relationships can elevate you to new heights or drag you down into the dumps.

    But what if you’re somewhere in the middle?"
    How to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship

  • #2
    Great article, Blink.

    Good thing that was not a test, or I'd have failed terribly! Lol. Funny. Every single one of those questions were a no for me, with the exception of #1, which was complicated for me. About two to three years into the relationship, the answers would have all been no as well.

    When in the thick of the misery, sometimes it feels like its easier to stay. You won't be putting your child through a breakup, it's scary out there, can I make it on my own?

    One day, after a particularly trying event, I looked at the last 10 years of my life and asked myself if I could do another 10 like that. 20? 30? The answer was a resounding NO!!!!!! I couldn't do another 1.

    I always said a person can't leave until they're ready. That day, I was ready. I have not wavered on my decision since that day. 5 years ago.

    Great article. Ill share it. Thanks.

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    • #3
      'though you might come through with a miraculous save (such as by turning around an abusive relationship), such attempts are usually doomed to failure, and even where they succeed, they may take such a tremendous toll that you ultimately feel they weren’t worth the effort. You could be much happier in a new relationship (or living alone) instead of investing so much time trying to save a relationship that’s dragging you down. You’ll do a lot more good giving yourself to someone who’s more receptive to what you have to offer and who genuinely appreciates you for it. If you’re spending your relationship fighting resistance more than sharing love, you’re probably better off letting it go and embracing a relationship that will provide greater mutual rewards for less work.'


      Very interesting article - thanks for sharing it

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      • #4
        Good thing that was not a test, or I'd have failed terribly! Lol. Funny. Every single one of those questions were a no for me, with the exception of #1, which was complicated for me. About two to three years into the relationship, the answers would have all been no as well.

        When in the thick of the misery, sometimes it feels like its easier to stay. You won't be putting your child through a breakup, it's scary out there, can I make it on my own?

        One day, after a particularly trying event, I looked at the last 10 years of my life and asked myself if I could do another 10 like that. 20? 30? The answer was a resounding NO!!!!!! I couldn't do another 1.

        I always said a person can't leave until they're ready. That day, I was ready. I have not wavered on my decision since that day. 5 years ago.
        LOL, it was a good article. Every one of those questions basically confirmed my decision to get divorced. I had read other similar articles at the time.

        I think I knew I was done when I started fantasizing daily about how awesome it would be to be on my own and started loathing the house we had built...it felt like a prison.

        I started dreaming about having my own house...not having to clean up someone else's mess...not having to deal with someone trying to break into my bedroom to bug me about sex when I was trying to sleep...not having to be on eggshells everytime he walked in the door...not having to have the same unresolved argument for the millionth time...not having to make any more excuses about why I wasn't going to his family gathering, etc, etc, etc.

        I agonized about the kids..and about finances...but its all worked out so much better than I could have ever imagined. Life gets better and better the longer I've been away from my horrid marriage. Besides having children, divorce was the best decision I've made in my adult life.

        Life is wayyy too short to waste time in a crappy marriage.

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        • #5
          just gonna rant a little bit here...

          But this is exactly what's wrong these days. People look for reasons why to quit, rather than why to persevere.

          Look I didn't even read the article - so I dunno.

          Just seems to me our approach has a lot to do with the outcome.

          I wonder if I were to find myself in a seemingly stagnant relationship, if having gone through it before, whether or not I wold seek to 'make it better', or run like hell.

          Of course, 'making it better' requires two people to take proactive measures - so you would both have to be on the same page.

          Comment


          • #6
            WretchedOtis:

            The article is about leaving a long-term marriage. We aren't talking about a Kardashian divorce here... we're talking about people who've put up with stuff for years and have tried to stick it out.

            I think people that are in bad marriages need to be asking themselves really critical questions like this to see if the marriage is salvagable or whether they should prepare themselves to move along.

            There is nothing wrong with today. The only difference between today and 50 years ago is that people (mostly women) couldn't get out of bad marriages...they faced poverty and disdain if they tried. People stayed together and miserable out of social convention...not love or commitment.

            I wouldn't say i'm a divorce advocate...its a personal decision. But if someone came to me with the list of problems that were in that article and asked my opinion...I'd tell them to consider a divorce as an option. My own personal experience was that divorce wasn't just the best thing I ever did...it was the ONLY possible chance I had at happiness in my adult life.

            By the way, that book is the book my bf read before he decided to end his 30 year marriage. Prior to that he tried everything...including various counsellors over years worth of time.
            Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 07-25-2013, 05:40 PM.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by wretchedotis View Post
              Of course, 'making it better' requires two people to take proactive measures - so you would both have to be on the same page.

              That's the key - two people who are having difficulties but both genuinely want to change their relationship can work miracles; one person who is trying their utmost to make things better with no buy-in from the other party is doomed to fail.

              I read that book at an earlier point in my former marriage when we were facing internal stresses - read through the questions and decided "it's not time to give up, we can work this out". And we did, for a few more years. But we eventually got to the point where I was turning myself inside out trying to be the answer to all the other party's discontents, while he was barely bothering to show up. Like someone said about going bankrupt, marriages end at first very slowly, and then very quickly.

              Divorce is never a best option - it's always a least-worst one. (Unless you're a Kardashian, where it's a hobby).

              Comment

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