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  • Custodial Parent Rarely Around

    I'd like your opinions...

    My six-year-old stepson has pretty much always been living primarily with his mom. During an 18-month period when he was a toddler and my fiance and I had flexible schedules, he was with us 38% of the time. However since he began JK, in an effort to provide a consistant schedule and routine as well as allow time for extra-curricular activities, we have been seeing him every-second-weekend and 50% of all holidays. This is quite alright with us. We know there is nothing much we can do about it, especially given the status quo and the difference between our home and where the bio-mom currently lives with relatives (100km).

    What I am noticing lately, however, breaks my heart.

    Lately, my stepson has always been asking if his mom is going to be home when we drop him off. I tell him that I don't know, because half the time she is not there and we drop him off with his grand-parents or great-grandparents. He seems to get a bit choked up when I tell him that I don't know, but hope that she is. Each time we drop him off lately and it's not his mom who answers the door, the first question he asks in a choked up voice is "Is my mom here?"

    Digging deeper into his feelings, I found out that he only sees her in the mornings before school, when she wakes him up, gets him ready and drives him to daycare. He told me that she often goes away "on trips" and that it's his great-grandpa that picks him up from daycare and his great-grandma that eats dinner with him and puts him to bed. "Sometimes" his mom is there to tuck him in.

    If this isn't enough, a few months ago he confided in me that his mom has a "new friend" that she spends a lot of time with, and that she often sleeps on the couch with. The reason this makes my stepson upset is that him and his mom share a room together, and when this "new friend" stays over, his mom chooses to spend the night on the couch with him instead of in the bedroom she shares with her son. However, my stepson mentioned this to me a few months ago, and hasn't said anything about it since, so I cannot be sure if his mom is still seeing this "new friend" or not.

    Also, about a month ago, the bio-mom sent an email complaining about how it is always her having to pick the child up from school when he is sick, how she cannot afford to take any more days off work to care for him, and demanding that my fiance or I pick him up and care for him while he is ill until she is able to be with him herself or until he is well enough to go back to school. We responded to her that she cannot possibly expect us to leave the child waiting for at minimum 2 hours, ill at school, while we get off work and drive across 5 cities to get to him, while she works in the same city as his school! We also mentioned that if she cannot handle the responsibilities of a custodial parent (something she fought so hard for) then we'd be more than happy to take over physical custody and receive child support from her to compensate for our lost workdays. This shut her up pretty quickly, and we've heard nothing from her since.

    So what would you do in this situation? How can we help the child become better accustomed to his mom's "busy schedule?" Have you experienced this with your kids, and could share some insights? Unfortunately, any concerns regarding her parenting or "suggestions" we try to give to the bio-mom will not be well received.

    Any thoughts?

  • #2
    What would I do?

    I would move to the child's town and take quietly increase my access to change the status quo such that I would become the primary caregiver. I would gladly take all offers for extra access and keep quiet about it. I would diligently document all aspects of this change.

    After several months or a year of this I would propose that we switch the custodial arrangements and if I didn't get agreeement I would march off to court and force the issue.

    Comment


    • #3
      Hmmmm... that is definitely an idea. Your name definitely does you justice! :-) It's just not an option for us. But, I can definitely see your point and I'm sure that if we could trust that the bio-mom wouldn't change residence again (as she does at least once per year) it might possibly be considered.

      But, given the situation... any ideas on how we could reassure the child and help him deal with his emotions of abandonment, without a complete change of residence to a crashing low-income town 100km away from us?

      Comment


      • #4
        Since the child is so young and impressionable this is thin ice to be treading on. For two reasons.
        In our case, the ex started seeing a new person when the child was around 6, and she started showing signs of sadness when we dropped her off, (we were over 600kms apart). Then a new baby came into the picture and then the child started telling us that she was spending alot of time with her grandparents, and that the baby brother spent all his time with her mom and step dad. When we tried to smooth the waters, we were viewed as "intentionally destroying the mother daughter bond" and then the child became emotionally distressed and confused. Although we said very little to her directly, other then things will be ok, or mom is probably too tired caring for a new baby that she wanted you to be with someone that had energy to play with you, things like that. But I guess the daughter confronted her mom in some form and the mother automatically blamed us for interfering. We always made sure to convey to the mom EVERYTHING we said or did, and absolutely everything the child demonstrated in the way of sadness or distress. We were always seen as interfering or the flip side when we said ok it’s not our ball game we have to be careful with what we say and do, and then we’re accused of not caring enough, or not doing enough. Maybe it was just the ex, she had a history of emotional unbalance, but we were in a no win situation.

        You have to be very careful not to further confuse the child, and that anything you say or do is not misinterpreted by the mom. I would offer you this, say nothing to what is going on at home, the boy is not an idiot, he gets what is going on and anything you say may come back to bite you on the butt. Just offer him extra attention when you have him, make your time more memorable, more involved, and loving. Do simple crafts with him, read him stories, hold him while he falls asleep anything along that line so that he knows while he is with you things are stable and safe for him. I would do anything to increase the time we had together within reason of course, as I understand the distance thing, and if things get to up heaved in his home, then maybe you will have to consider a change in the status quo then a request for a change in guardianship. My heart goes out to you, I understand your position.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by FL_Needs_To_Change View Post
          In our case, the ex started seeing a new person when the child was around 6, and she started showing signs of sadness when we dropped her off, (we were over 600kms apart). Then a new baby came into the picture and then the child started telling us that she was spending alot of time with her grandparents, and that the baby brother spent all his time with her mom and step dad. When we tried to smooth the waters, we were viewed as "intentionally destroying the mother daughter bond" and then the child became emotionally distressed and confused. Although we said very little to her directly, other then things will be ok, or mom is probably too tired caring for a new baby that she wanted you to be with someone that had energy to play with you, things like that. But I guess the daughter confronted her mom in some form and the mother automatically blamed us for interfering. We always made sure to convey to the mom EVERYTHING we said or did, and absolutely everything the child demonstrated in the way of sadness or distress. We were always seen as interfering or the flip side when we said ok it’s not our ball game we have to be careful with what we say and do, and then we’re accused of not caring enough, or not doing enough. Maybe it was just the ex, she had a history of emotional unbalance, but we were in a no win situation.
          Wow, sounds like your hubby's ex is just as unstable as my stepson's mother... who does everything on a whim, does not think things through, and acts to benefit herself while blatantly speaking the words "it's for the best interest of the child." Whatever! I'm sorry your stepdaughter had such a difficult time adjusting to her mother's lifestyle. She was lucky to have you and her dad there to help her through this difficult time, even thought it came back and bit you in the behind from time to time. I'm sure the girl is doing much better now, isn't she?

          Originally posted by FL_Needs_To_Change View Post
          You have to be very careful not to further confuse the child, and that anything you say or do is not misinterpreted by the mom. I would offer you this, say nothing to what is going on at home, the boy is not an idiot, he gets what is going on and anything you say may come back to bite you on the butt. Just offer him extra attention when you have him, make your time more memorable, more involved, and loving. Do simple crafts with him, read him stories, hold him while he falls asleep anything along that line so that he knows while he is with you things are stable and safe for him. I would do anything to increase the time we had together within reason of course, as I understand the distance thing, and if things get to up heaved in his home, then maybe you will have to consider a change in the status quo then a request for a change in guardianship. My heart goes out to you, I understand your position.
          Thank you. We try not to speak to him about what goes on at his other house. Heck, most of the time we have no idea what goes on and have to piece things together from what the child tells us and what we notice ourselves. Sometimes, when he is looking for reassurance, my stepson comments on what his mom does or doesn't do. For example, we have a fun and quirky bath time ritual where after he has a bath, we have a blowdryer "fight" to get nice and dry and warm before jumping into bed. He loves that, and sometimes comments how his "other mom" (as he refers to her when he's with us) never does anything like this with him.

          We are always very supportive and attentive of the things he chooses to share with us, however we don't inquire or pry too much into his life at his other house. He has been living in separate homes and been raised by two sets of parents since birth, so this is all he knows, this is his life. He is very well adjusted, even his teachers tell us how happy he is when he knows he will be spending a weekend with us, and often talks to his teacher about all the things we do together.

          It just sometimes breaks my heart to hear him ask me if I know if his other mom will be around when we drop him off, because obviously she has not been lately. I think what hurts most is that I cannot reassure him, because in all honesty, I do not know if she is going to be there to recieve him or not. More than half the time, we don't even see her at pick-ups and drop-off because the child is often left with other family members.

          We will definitely continue to give him the attention he deserves and make sure he's doing okay when he's with us and while he's at school. Thank goodness I have such a wonderful relationship with his teachers. We've been very lucky in that sense.

          His dad and I both have high hopes that when he is older, and will see things more clearly for what they truly are, he will ask to come live with us. Hopefully it'll be at an age where the courts will take his request into consideration, and we will do our best to support him in this venture.

          Thanks again for your reply, FL. It sounds like we share similar experiences!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by #1StepMom View Post
            Wow, sounds like your hubby's ex is just as unstable as my stepson's mother... who does everything on a whim, does not think things through, and acts to benefit herself while blatantly speaking the words "it's for the best interest of the child." Whatever! I'm sorry your stepdaughter had such a difficult time adjusting to her mother's lifestyle. She was lucky to have you and her dad there to help her through this difficult time, even thought it came back and bit you in the behind from time to time. I'm sure the girl is doing much better now, isn't she?
            Unfortunately, no!
            Things simply escalated, I've posted the story in parts in other threads.
            But mom moved 15hrs away,(one way) without notice, court action (many, many, many court appearances) on our part was futile, and it will be 5 years this March, since dad has seen his daughter. We have no idea how she is or anything about her. Let me tell you we've asked repeatedly for the simplest updates. The weekly emails dwindled to monthly emails and letters in the mail, then that dwindled to just registered letters in the mail when email started bouncing back undelivered, little by little dad's heart was chipped away to where we are today. Dad had a HUGE emotional break down that literally lasted 2 years, a shell of a man. Just over the last couple of months have I started to see the once bright zest for life in his eyes that he used to have. I think he finally came to the heart wrenching conclusion that he did it all, went bankrupt trying, but nothing he did changed the fact that the FL system is too biased for a dad in his position against an ex such as his.
            That’s why I am here, to hopefully help others avoid this fate, learn by our experiences.
            I’ve seen both sides of the FL fence as an ex myself of a very bitter vindictive abusive ex. And my new husband’s bitter controlling ex.

            Comment

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