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  • #31
    Originally posted by FrustratedPartner View Post
    Wow Mess...I think you nailed it.

    But I cannot simply walk away now.
    Then I would suggest that you urge your partner to come here and do his own research for tips on how to handle his ex. You're definitely under too much stress trying to do it yourself. And there are some posters who will advise you that a new partner meddling in a divorce can make things worse, no matter how good their intentions may be. If the ex is upset that your guy seems happy in a new relationship, her actions may be intended to punish him. If you back off from what she perceives as interfering, her actions may ease up.

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    • #32
      Just read this entire post and wanted to offer my two cents:

      It really shouldn't matter who writes the emails or letters to the ex as long as they are logical, respectful and factual. I think people who take issue with who writes what have control issues. I mean, what does it REALLY matter? If 2 + 2 equals four - it still equals four if your gf/bf writes it...Hell a lot of people get help with resumes and other letter writing because others are better at it. It is really that simple.

      IF the gf or bf is writing emails consider this: they are a part of that child's life and spend a significant amount of time with the child. Turn the situation into trying to maintain a healthy relationship with that person and move on.

      The other issue I have is when people say "stay out of your partner's business and don't get involved". I had this convo with my mother in law once and had to remind her - We ARE a PARTNERSHIP and I would never let my partner hang out to dry. We are in this together. And quite frankly I am able to remove myself emotionally and write very non-emotionally and can stick to the facts. Whereas sometimes a particular situation will evoke feelings in my partner and he cannot write so un-emotionally.

      Spend less time looking at who did what and think about this. If it is right it is right it is right. If it is wrong it is wrong it is wrong!

      Comment


      • #33
        Originally posted by Serene View Post
        Just read this entire post and wanted to offer my two cents:

        It really shouldn't matter who writes the emails or letters to the ex as long as they are logical, respectful and factual. I think people who take issue with who writes what have control issues. I mean, what does it REALLY matter? If 2 + 2 equals four - it still equals four if your gf/bf writes it...Hell a lot of people get help with resumes and other letter writing because others are better at it. It is really that simple.

        IF the gf or bf is writing emails consider this: they are a part of that child's life and spend a significant amount of time with the child. Turn the situation into trying to maintain a healthy relationship with that person and move on.

        The other issue I have is when people say "stay out of your partner's business and don't get involved". I had this convo with my mother in law once and had to remind her - We ARE a PARTNERSHIP and I would never let my partner hang out to dry. We are in this together. And quite frankly I am able to remove myself emotionally and write very non-emotionally and can stick to the facts. Whereas sometimes a particular situation will evoke feelings in my partner and he cannot write so un-emotionally.

        Spend less time looking at who did what and think about this. If it is right it is right it is right. If it is wrong it is wrong it is wrong!
        I disagree.

        The person who is a party to the matter, should be responsible for corresponding with their ex. It is their child, and that is the least they should be able to do.

        BF/GF don't have all the history. They just have what the one side tells them, from an obviously biased perspective. They may or may not know the sensitivities involved on the other side like the parent.

        Further, in situations like this, it can cause an unnecessary amount of tension and drama in their own household.

        I am all for partners sticking up for each other and giving each other support. But dealing with your is your responsibility. Your partner has no connection with the ex except through you. They can walk away at any point, and then where does that leave you? Doing it by yourself.

        I've been around people that do both. And I can tell you the families where the bf/gf get overly involved generally have more drama due to such involvement.

        Comment


        • #34
          Originally posted by Serene View Post
          Just read this entire post and wanted to offer my two cents:

          It really shouldn't matter who writes the emails or letters to the ex as long as they are logical, respectful and factual. I think people who take issue with who writes what have control issues.

          .........................

          Spend less time looking at who did what and think about this. If it is right it is right it is right. If it is wrong it is wrong it is wrong!
          Actually, I think it might the new partner's control issue....

          Are you kidding that I shouldn't want to talk/email directly with my ex about our children? I should have to email to his g/f pretending to be him? Really ridiculous. You have a skewed view of what a partnership really is.

          The problem is that no matter how "factual" you want to be, you are still paraphrasing his thoughts into your words. You still have a bias. I don't want to hear his g/f's opinion. I want to speak to my ex about our children. Even if you try very, very hard, your slant and opinion will colour what is being written. Especially if you feel you can word it "better".

          My lawyer slammed an email my ex sent (I am sure it was his g/f typing) because it was pretty strongly worded and slipped over into legal issues. My ex had never sent such an email before he started dating her. The g/f overstepped and caused trouble.

          Ex's new girlfriend is a fantastic writer. Her syntax and punctuation are perfect. But I am used to how he writes and speaks. I understand him quite well after 16 years. It is okay that his emails have errors. At least it is his words, his feelings and his description of what he wants for his children.

          I don't want some edited out summary from an over involved girlfriend.

          Your "partnership" comes second to his need to step up and be responsible for the communication about his children.
          Last edited by SadAndTired; 08-21-2013, 10:04 AM.

          Comment


          • #35
            Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
            BF/GF don't have all the history.
            Some times, in a high conflict situation, not having all the history is good because that person isn't "reliving the past" when recommending solutions and helping out. This rarely happens though so I don't disagree with you HD... I am just providing a different perspective.

            Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
            Further, in situations like this, it can cause an unnecessary amount of tension and drama in their own household.
            When high conflict people are not concious of their actions, anything will generally cause this problem. Insulating the family from the other parent's desire to create conflict is challenging at times.

            Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
            I am all for partners sticking up for each other and giving each other support. But dealing with your is your responsibility. Your partner has no connection with the ex except through you. They can walk away at any point, and then where does that leave you? Doing it by yourself.
            Depends on what level of a caregiver the person in question is to the children really. There isn't a "black and white" answer to this... There is a lot of grey.

            Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
            I've been around people that do both. And I can tell you the families where the bf/gf get overly involved generally have more drama due to such involvement.
            I agree regarding "bf/gf" which I call "uncommitted relationships". I don't agree when discussing a committed relationship (new spouse, common law partner, etc...)

            But, in general... People whom are constantly in a histrionic state of drama rarely ever leave that state of problem resolution. They often surround themselves with the same kind of people and nonsense.

            The uncommitted relationships they enter into are usually with dysfunctional people whom are about as helpful to the family dynamic as a match is to gasoline.

            Cheers,
            Tayken
            Last edited by Mess; 08-22-2013, 12:12 PM.

            Comment


            • #36
              Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
              I disagree.

              The person who is a party to the matter, should be responsible for corresponding with their ex. It is their child, and that is the least they should be able to do.

              BF/GF don't have all the history. They just have what the one side tells them, from an obviously biased perspective. They may or may not know the sensitivities involved on the other side like the parent.

              Further, in situations like this, it can cause an unnecessary amount of tension and drama in their own household.

              I am all for partners sticking up for each other and giving each other support. But dealing with your is your responsibility. Your partner has no connection with the ex except through you. They can walk away at any point, and then where does that leave you? Doing it by yourself.

              I've been around people that do both. And I can tell you the families where the bf/gf get overly involved generally have more drama due to such involvement.
              Agree to this totally.

              The partner doesn't have all the history. You can't encapsulate 20 years of marriage history in a few conversations. Partners can provide a sounding board, a place to vent, be supportive, offer guidance. But the parties to the matter should be the only ones corresponding(or the lawyers).

              Comment


              • #37
                From what you describe, the boyfriend needs to get his ex back in court to get things set up properly. YOUR job can be to help him do research, help him write his court documents and encourage him to stop avoiding the courts.

                There should not be much need to send any emails at all to his ex, from either you or him. Any information that does need to go back and forth should be so brief and factual that it would be so hard to tell the author that it may as well be him sending it.

                Ultimately, it's his life and his relationship with his daughter. Let him manage it how he wants. If he's just not willing to do it the way you think it should be done and you can't accept that, the relationship is in trouble no matter how much money you've spent on it already.

                Comment


                • #38
                  Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                  Some times, in a high conflict situation, not having all the history is good because that person isn't "reliving the past" when recommending solutions and helping out. This rarely happens though so I don't disagree with you HD... I am just providing a different perspective.



                  When high conflict people are not concious of their actions, anything will generally cause this problem. Insulating the family from the other parent's desire to create conflict is challenging at times.



                  Depends on what level of a caregiver the person in question is to the children really. There isn't a "black and white" answer to this... There is a lot of grey.



                  I agree regarding "bf/gf" which I call "uncommitted relationships". I don't agree when discussing a committed relationship (new spouse, common law partner, etc...)

                  But, in general... People whom are constantly in a histrionic state of drama rarely ever leave that state of problem resolution. They often surround themselves with the same kind of people and nonsense.

                  The uncommitted relationships they enter into are usually with dysfunctional people whom are about as helpful to the family dynamic as a match is to gasoline.

                  Cheers,
                  Tayken

                  I am not really sure what this post is about since it seems to support both sides.

                  So you think that the new partner should or should not type out emails for a parent?

                  Because I would think if the situation is already high conflict, then the addition of a third party (with differing vested interests) is a terrible idea.
                  Last edited by Mess; 08-22-2013, 12:13 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Hi: all great feedback, thank you.

                    I became really involved in my partner's case, in part, to reduce legal fees. When the lawyer asked me to go through all the texts between my partner and his ex during the 3 years they were together, I became alarmed at how abusive the ex had been and it really triggered me to take action. So, in fact, it was engaging with the history that brought me so fully into this situation.

                    I do agree that I should be less involved but I have always felt that way. The fact remains that I am intensely involved and both my partner and his lawyer need me. When I started this post on Sunday, I was feeling consumed by anger and revenge. I felt like I was beginning to take the low road. And so what I am trying to figure out is how to maintain my usual standards of coping despite all the acrimony.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Rioe: we are in court and I assist the lawyer by filling out all the forms and taking documents to get copied, even writing first draft affidavits. My partner does all the court filings, commisions, etc. But every week there is a new issue from the ex: sudden move across town, application to change surname of child, not allowing phone calls, lying about whereabouts of child, lying about caregivers, not responding to questions regarding schooling, health and caregivers, non-stop abusive emails. So, it is really not that simple.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by FrustratedPartner View Post
                        Hi: all great feedback, thank you.

                        I became really involved in my partner's case, in part, to reduce legal fees. When the lawyer asked me to go through all the texts between my partner and his ex during the 3 years they were together, I became alarmed at how abusive the ex had been and it really triggered me to take action. So, in fact, it was engaging with the history that brought me so fully into this situation.

                        I do agree that I should be less involved but I have always felt that way. The fact remains that I am intensely involved and both my partner and his lawyer need me. When I started this post on Sunday, I was feeling consumed by anger and revenge. I felt like I was beginning to take the low road. And so what I am trying to figure out is how to maintain my usual standards of coping despite all the acrimony.
                        I'm not sure why the lawyer would do that. Clearly you would have been better off to not know that information, and just get it in summary from your new partner. In fact he should have been the one reviewing them, with direction from the lawyer as to what to look for.

                        Very famous quote of Confuscious, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves". Your anger will in all likelyhood not have an impact on your partner's ex, but it will consume you. And it will take away from the emotional energy that you have to care for your partner.

                        Let it go. Be supportive, but don't volunteer to get any more involved. Focus on your relationship with your partner, not his relationship with his ex. You cannot change the past. If you cannot accept it as the past and move on, it will sour your relationship with your partner.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          My ex's g/f did exactly what you are doing FrustratedParner.

                          Must have been quite humiliating for ex when Judge called him out for not knowing his own file.

                          The weekly issue from the ex is not your concern. This is between the parents of the children. Only your b/f can stop the allegedly abusive emails - certainly not you.

                          Yes it IS very simple - know your place. This is not your battle. Trying to change your b/f's ex's behavior is likely futile.

                          As other posters have stated, you are biased and only know one side of things. Even if you knew both sides of things it is not your place to be involved in any of this. Get a dog or take up a hobby.

                          What on earth are you going to do with yourself if your b/f & ex all of a sudden start to get along? You have to examine your motives in this whole thing. I suspect that you are trying to make yourself indispensable in your b/f's eyes. Ask yourself truthfully how many days go by when you aren't having a conversation with your b/f about his ex? Do you and your b/f have any quality time together without discussing the ex?

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Originally posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
                            I'm not sure why the lawyer would do that.....
                            I am doubting the veracity of the story. This person reminds me of someone who shows up on the board every now and then with a new name, writing fiction.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Originally posted by arabian View Post
                              My ex's g/f did exactly what you are doing FrustratedParner.

                              Must have been quite humiliating for ex when Judge called him out for not knowing his own file.

                              The weekly issue from the ex is not your concern. This is between the parents of the children. Only your b/f can stop the allegedly abusive emails - certainly not you.

                              Yes it IS very simple - know your place. This is not your battle. Trying to change your b/f's ex's behavior is likely futile.

                              As other posters have stated, you are biased and only know one side of things. Even if you knew both sides of things it is not your place to be involved in any of this. Get a dog or take up a hobby.

                              What on earth are you going to do with yourself if your b/f & ex all of a sudden start to get along? You have to examine your motives in this whole thing. I suspect that you are trying to make yourself indispensable in your b/f's eyes. Ask yourself truthfully how many days go by when you aren't having a conversation with your b/f about his ex? Do you and your b/f have any quality time together without discussing the ex?
                              Lol, I have lots of pets and lots of hobbies, but thanks for the idea.

                              Arabian, I have dreams, literal dreams while I am sleeping, that we are all getting along and life is sweet. The ex seems like a really cool person when she is not stressed, anxious or out for revenge. She and I seem to share a lot of the same values and also seem to have very similar personalities. I know we could all get along if she didn't hate my partner so much. She started to hate him (and me) once he started responding to her motions. Prior to that, they were amicable as long as he suffered her abuse. So, it is a catch 22.

                              I have never had a conversation with this woman. She demanded to meet me when my partner and I started dating but then she backed out at the last minute. She has hurtled a couple of insults towards me outside of the courtroom in recent months, and, in response, I pleaded with her to try and settle things directly with my partner. But that is the extent of the interaction.

                              If they started to get along then we could settle all these matters outside of court and all the legal BS could go away. Far away. I pray for that, I really do. But it seems hopeless.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Originally posted by Mess View Post
                                I am doubting the veracity of the story. This person reminds me of someone who shows up on the board every now and then with a new name, writing fiction.
                                Mess, I am not writing fiction. And I just joined this forum. To explain the texts, the ex claims that my partner did not see his daughter for months at a time in the preceding years. The lawyer asked me to go through all the texts to pull out all the dates that they confirmed access. Each year of texts took me 8-11 hours to read and compile info. That was a massive savings in legal fees. I was able to find proof that my partner had daughter in his care 40-80% of the time each year. So it was a useful excercise.

                                Comment

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