Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Mediation question

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Mediation question

    Has anyone been successful in mediation with their ex? What is the difference between open and closed? Roughly how much is the hourly rate and how long (hrs) or sessions before something could be settled on? What does mediation cover? Custody, access, financial stuff etc? Who exactly is a mediator? Background?
    Guess if things don't go good, then back to court? How do you go about finding a neutral mediator?
    Can it be used against you if you deny mediation recommended by your ex?
    How does your lawyer usually feel about going this route?

  • #2
    I was in open mediation for 5 months. (Open - means that either party can use mediation reports and the mediator as evidence / witness in later court proceedings.) (Closed - means mediator and mediation reports can not be included in court - unless both parties agree to that input.)

    My mediation was unsuccessful mainly because neither one of us was ready to reach a middle ground where both party's make sacrifices and that we could get a better outcomes in court. At least, that's what our lawyers led us to believe.

    We hired a veteran mediator at $350 / hr. The fact the mediator was experienced didn't help mainly because both me and my ex had lawyers and knew exactly what we can ask and we can't ask for, and also knew that we couldn't live with the other parties suggested solution.

    The whole mediation boiled down to a mudslinging game and used to gather information in preparation for court. In short a big waste of time and money.

    Mediation should cover all issues from custody to access and financials and ideally should end in a separation agreement.

    Mediators should be neutral but mine was not. She was suggested by my ex's lawyer and very soon I knew why.

    The mediators reports did not include her bias opinions expressed during our sessions and there was no way to prove that she was bias because the only other witness to her comments was my ex. The mediator dragged the sessions and tied discussions to deadend issues to justify us going back for another session to discuss the same topics again.

    Spent $10000 between the mediator and the lawyer and achieved nothing. ($3000 mediator / $7000 lawyer.)

    Our lawyers loved mediations because they asked us to call them after every session to update them of what happened at $200 a pop, then they would send us emails at $100 a pop, to instruct us on how to shaft each other and make each other look bad. That led to 3 mediation failures which neccessitated having the lawyers present at our mediation sessions. These sessions where killers, because I paid 1.5 hours for my lawyer's commute time from her office to the mediator's office and 2 hours for the session and half of the mediators time. So did my ex.. Total $1200 per session... Each.

    If you have low income, you can suggest to your ex a government sponsored mediation, ask your FLIC office about such services. They will give you 6 hours of free mediation and a free report for closed mediation.

    Open mediation reports have more teeth but can work against you if your position is a bit unreasonable from a legal point of view or if the mediator is biased... Start with closed mediation and see how comfortable you are with the mediator. Be careful... They can be tricky.

    Comment


    • #3
      I considered mediation at one point and didn't go for it for basicly the reasons Underdog stated. I asked my ex to put in writing what issues we were bringing to the mediation so I could keep the costs, time and mudslinging to a minimum. I didn't want to just show up and hear the same-old same-old, only pay $350/hour for the priviledge.

      My ex's response was that at mediation "everything was on the table", even though we were already considered settled on equalization and custody, we were only dealing with child support. That was too big a red flag for me.

      I'll note that I spent/wasted as much money anyway on letters back and forth, useless meetings and drawing up an offer she never bothered to respond to.

      In retrospect I would have filed an application very early in the process, asked for court-ordered mediation at the first case conference, open mediation so that any bullshit she brought forward would on the table at trial, and limited it to a strict agenda. Asking the judge for mediator can mean getting independant FLIC sponsered mediator. Since I didn't go that route I can only guess at how effective it would have been, but as I say, I would have preferred it early on in the process instead of too much letters back and forth.

      Comment


      • #4
        How likely is the court to order mediation? Is there a fee? Sliding scale?

        I wish I knew about this earlier..might have actually had things settled by now!

        Comment


        • #5
          Billiechic, I really don't think this would work knowing your story, both parties need and willingly have to be able to speak freely and negotiate a settlement but with your ex, I highly doubt that would have been achieved.
          Last edited by tugofwar; 06-21-2010, 02:08 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            I know. I am grasping at straws, that's all.

            Comment


            • #7
              Me too.....

              Comment


              • #8
                You could also try an arbitrator (basically a paid judge). The procedure/rules are much more formal/strict, and they have to be licensed as an arbitrator. You have to agree to submit to their decision before starting the process.

                Mediators are unlicensed, no training required, and it is just talk - they do not make binding rulings.

                Comment


                • #9
                  So, who exactly is this third party mediator? Are psychologists considered a mediator?
                  If so, that would probably work in my favor lol

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Ministry of the Attorney General - Family Mediation

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      My ex and I did mediation, and it was relatively informal. She was a family lawyer with extra training who did mediation instead of court and divorce stuff, and was recommended to us by the marriage counsellor we visited before the final breakdown. Our last visit to the counsellor was a kind of a "so we're splitting up, what do we do next?" session. Very depressing.

                      Her rates were quite reasonable, around $150 an hour I think it was, though I suspect it was because she was young and starting out and building her business. I'm thinking we lucked out considerably with her. She was very neutral, told us the low down about the divorce process, built us a transitory schedule to get us through the first few months of breakup and separation. She listened to both our needs and requirements, and helped us navigate to common ground, and above all, kept our focus on our two children. She told us what we'd need to examine throughout the process, and told us to go away and get lawyers at the necessary time, and what their role would be. She covered the classic three pillars of divorce (spousal support, child support and shared parenting), basically helping us set up a status quo of who was caring for the children when, and helping us through figuring out our assets and working us towards agreeing about how to divide them. Then she drew up a draft separation agreement and we each sent it to our lawyers for less neutral examination, to cover the independent legal counsel requirements.

                      And there it languishes, because my lawyer has had it for over a month and still hasn't gotten back to me. I sent him a reminder email and got told it was the busiest he's ever been in twenty years. Probably going to charge me $100 for that answer too. And I'm afraid that the longer it takes, the less likely my ex is to sign it in the end. But that's a whole separate issue from the mediation process.

                      It took about six mediation sessions over five months or so, but I have to admit that we ignored one of her main requirements, which was not to discuss anything outside the mediation table. So sometimes we'd show up having worked out something on our own. And we had trouble scheduling the sessions, so they were pretty far apart, but that had the unexpected benefit of giving us time to mull things over in between, and come to calmer conclusions about some things, as well as to see the good effects the transitory arrangements were having on the children.

                      I honestly believe that without the mediation, if we'd just gone straight to hiring lawyers and done it that way, that everything would have been a lot more adversarial, we'd have spent a whole lot more money getting to this point, and our children would not be adjusting nearly as well as they are to the whole awful, messy situation.

                      Of course, I am not through the whole divorce process yet, so perhaps the agreement won't pass muster with his lawyer, or mine, or the court. Maybe all the money we paid the mediator will be ultimately a waste and we'll have to start over. Although now that I'm examining it, I do think that even if this happens, the initial mediation really helped us focus on the children's stability, and set us on the path of good co-parenting despite the issues between us. And that's well worth any amount of money.
                      Last edited by Rioe; 06-21-2010, 10:49 PM. Reason: added something I forgot

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Ex and I just started mediation. Our mediator is an arbitrator. The cost is very high (Alberta) at $425.00 per hour. Ex and I are splitting it- 50/50 (even though he makes 60% more than I make.) Anyways, at the first meeting the mediator told us that there would be approximately 3 sessions and then things should be settled enough to move into arbitration. (I thought, "You don't know my ex.") Well, the first meeting was a month ago and so far the next meeting has not been scheduled. Yup- we are waiting on Ex and his lawyer. The first meeting cost us $1000.00. I knew things would not move ahead quickly but I try to remain positive. Ex will stall and stall as much as he can. So that is my story. I will have to decide how much I want to spend on this before I consider it a failure. I spent over $10,000.00 on legal fees before I told my lawyer that I no longer needed her services. I don't want to do that again.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Can you just work on a few things to settle or is it more trying to resolve all issues?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            It's whatever you want it to be.

                            The whole idea from the court's/mediator's perspective is settle, settle, settle. If it's a few items great, it it's the whole ball of wax, even better.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              So, Ive taken him up on his offer to go to mediation to help with issues with our child and he has not responded to me. I want to go to a neutral third party to try to work out an access schedule that would work and think about the future as I know the schedule will have to change once the child is in school and where the mediator might be able to explain things more clearly to him as he doesn't want to acknowledge the child needs to feel more secure with him etc.
                              I don't want to wait till settlement conference to bring this up and try to work out a schedule without discussing this prior. I want this to be the final court date as I don't want this to keep dragging. Neither one of us has or wants to keep wasting money on lawyers etc. I was hoping to get an offer to settle from my lawyer which he promised me last friday and still haven't gotten it!
                              Can the judge order mediation if we can't agree? I can see the ex throwing up his arms again and not wanting to work out a plan that would work for all of us and not just HIM!

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X