Court Friday

[Karver]

Well looks like I'm about to enter the world of court.
My lawyer applied for a DRO exemption and here we go.
The issues will be: making me primary care of kids and support.
We had a separation agreement that was rubber stamped last year- my ex made it and I foolishly listened to him and thought I was doing the right thing.
We've been doing 50/50 custody
He's been paying me $1000 CS
$3000 SS

Over the past year I've witnessed things that really made me think I did the wrong thing, so I went to a lawyer to talk about the kids and demand to finally get his financial disclosure (never got it first time, dumb I now know).

Looks like he made $797,000 last year. Wow. I can't beleive I was so trusting as to beleive he was broke. I made $8000.

So off to court. He's been having his nanny raise the kids while he's at work and I'm saying, those boys should be with their mother rather than 3rd party care.
And of course lawyer going after serious changes to the support payments.

I'm wondering if the judge will make any interim changes since I signed that agreement last year? I've got lots of proof of bullying and dominance over me during that time, but I doubt a morning chambers judge will read that.
My ex is self representing so that might help me- he is soooo arrogant. And his arguement is that capital gains aren't income so $550k need to come off his income.

I've asked him to negotiate something with me so this court crap could end. He offered me $100 more per month. He says his nanny is doing a fine job raising the kids (3, 5 &7) and I should go get a life. What an infuriating man.

This sucks.

[billm]

CS should be based on table offset and actual incomes - and capital gains is part of that usually. And retro a few years back for CS is reasonable too.

However, it would be interesting to know where the capital gains came from - do you know?

What is your income?

How can you take care of the kids instead of the nanny? Do you work? Did you work during the marriage? Did your career suffer?

Was his 800K income a one off, or does he always make that - and if so, how come you were not aware of that?

If he actually said his nanny is raising the kids - that is pretty damning, however I would guess that is not an accurate quote. Going away from 50/50 is a tough battle and hard to justify and hard to win.

CS based on income is easy to win, or at least it should be - no agreement can give up the right of the child to proper CS.

SS - it depends on the circumstances and you did sign an agreement.

[Karver]

Capital gains were from an industrial building sale. He has big sales every couple of years, last year he sold a mall. So he gets dividends from these too.
I'm not sure how I didn't know what was happening about the money, I guess he always managed it and invested it so I just took his word on stuff. We lived pretty good, but not super extravagant. He just said all the money was fairly divided and I believed him.
I was a stay at home mom. I worked for my ex over the years for a couple hours a week. He hired the nanny because he was never around and we had no family. I was ok with this because I was always home and it was nice to have the help.
When the separation happened and I agreed to the 50/50, the nanny stayed with him. I would just go get my kids during the day and still took them to all their functions and play dates but as the year progressed I realized I had to get a job. Got a contract job and just saw this nanny raising the 3 year old all day at ex's, and now all day at my house too. That's when I asked ex to get rid of her and let me watch boys thru the week and just give me her salary so I was able. My contract job ended, I made $8000 for 2013. Probably $12,000 for 2012.
He was agreeable to me having kids during week, but said I was dreaming if I thought I'd get another penny from him for CS. He said he would give me $900 more a month, but it would be a wage, not support. That's why I went to lawyer. It felt so unfair and I really feel like he's just trying to push me out as much as possible.

This all began just so I can raise my young kids for the next couple years and now it's this huge thing. He just doesn't care what everyone is telling him about these capital gains and refuses the income determinator guy.

Do you think the judge would be ok just leaving the 3 year old with nanny all day instead of me? Ugh.

[dinkyface]

Your ex is seeing that you have a big button on top of your head labelled 'PUSH ME'. And he's pushing it. And you're reacting just as he wishes.

Aggravating as it is, try to ignore all his blather about nanny raising the kids, and how he is paying you to be nanny. It's highly insulting but unless it is affecting your kids, or how you parent them, it's irrelevant.

All the stuff about bullying/dominance etc will not be very relevant - except to indicate that you need a clearly delineated parenting schedule that deals with daycare.

The kids will all be in school soon, so all you will need is before/after-care, right? And you are fighting for 50-50 time, so you will be picking up/dropping off directly at school for 2/5 out of 5 weekdays. So nanny will only be on his days.

At least, that's how I'd expect it should happen.

His business is buying/selling/managing commercial real-estate, so OF COURSE capital gains should be counted as income. But, he can show that last year was exceptional, and that you should use some averaging to determine income.

[SadAndTired]

I wonder if it will be hard for her to argue against the nanny since they had that service when they were married?

[Moolight]

Basically, it is his parenting time so he can use the nanny as he please. There is nothing the OP can do here as long they are well taken care of.

Yes, he can argue that the was part of the family prior separation so that is not even a change.

[Berner_Faith]

There are many parents who both work full time and thus some young children are in daycare or with a Nanny, I think it would be hard to argue that he can't use these services when so many people do.

Why was it okay during the marriage but not now? It helped you out then, and it helping him out now, is that the issue?

As for CS, he would be paying offset, which should be substantial due to his income, for sure more than $1000, that should be a cut and dry case for you as the CS is the right of the children.

Arguing a year later why 50/50 is not in the best interest of the children will be a hard sell just because he uses a Nanny/babysitter. Be careful your lawyer is not just creating conflict to increase his bill.

[Karver]

The nanny thing has just been a hot topic button on my head for sure. I see what you guys are saying about it. I guess my only defense is ignorance and I guess it's not much of an arguement.
I never wanted the nanny in the first place, ex got her because he was always gone. I ended up being with her all the time and we raised boys together. We became close friends, or so I thought. Now she's the woman of that house and actually overrides my instructions to boys in front of them when I'm there to pick them up. But I guess it's not my house anymore.

At time of separation, there were no lawyers involved, as you all know it was an emotionally devistating time. I agreed to the 50/50 because of course I wanted the dad to be apart of the boys lives and he assured me that I would still be mom and I wouldn't have to worry about working until youngest in grade one. I just ASSumed I would continue to be able to pick him up during the day, take him to activities and play dates. As the year went on I ended up getting this contract job for more money and was sad to not be there full time anymore.
That's when I suggested putting the nanny to part time or just use her like a babysitter and let me go back to being mom.
Of course answer is no.
Now lawyers are involved for the first time.
But I see what you are all saying about custody. I could just kick myself in the head over my stupidity back then. I just thought there was shared (joint) custody and sole custody. Primary care is something I just learned. So I sit a km away and the nanny is with youngest all day... maybe he'll learn to speak Filipino.

[Karver]

Ya, I know. And it looks like Filipino is pretty popular, but I think Chinese would have been better.

[Mess]

1. You state you had a nanny while you were together, and now he has kept the nanny on. You really have no argument here, you should drop this.
2. As others have stated, many parents use nanny/daycare, this does not mean he is not raising the children. My children are in school all day. Does that mean I am not raising them?
3. If he has that much capital gains and this occured throughout the marriage, then there must surely be significant investments. These investments are marital property and should be split evenly.
4. While you claim you have an income of $8,000, you have or should receive your share of the marital property. Family law requires you to invest this responsibly to receive a reasonable income from it. You should have more than $8,000 income; if not now, then after equalization.
5. If your ex is experiencing capital gains, he probably also has capital losses to offset it. This isn't "cheating", it is accounting. Do not guess. Get his complete financials over the last 3 years and take it to an ACCOUNTANT, not a divorce lawyer. The financial situation sounds quite complicated and you need a professional analysis.
6. You can't go to court with what you "think" he earns. You need to know, and you need to show factual proof. A few tax returns won't provide that. You need an accountant to give you a certified statement of earnings. You also need a clear statement of equity so that you can do a proper equalization.
7. Don't get emotional and bitter. DON'T start fighting over the children just because he still uses the nanny that you were fully accepting of during the marriage.
8. Just stick to the mathematics and don't get caught up in a fight.

[Karver]

I actually did get his financials and took them to my accountant. Then with ex's approval, my accountant worked with his accountant to get the income numbers. Of course he hit the roof and said it was shit. Subsequently, his accountant of 10 years resigned.
He agrees with the numbers, he just keeps stating capital gains aren't income. Lawyer recommended the income determinator person but ex said he's not going to pay anyone to learn about simple accounting.
My $8000 was paid to me by ex for doing some work for his company.
He paid me some $ out from the last sale and he's saying the money he gave me is my income.
We are looking at large support numbers here, so he is really making it hard.

I hear you about the custody. It still blows.

[arabian]

Many people don't understand full issues regarding substantial SS on this forum. Often you will get people commenting who are simply envious. Those same people don't understand court system and can't seem to grasp the fact that SS is fully taxable. Many people who comment on here are working joes who haven't got a clue about business ownership.

You do not need to defend a decision that has been handed down to you from a judge. If your spouse doesn't like it he can take you to court and try to have decision overturned like my ex does. Total waste of time but he can obviously afford it.

[Mess]

Many people don't understand full issues regarding substantial SS on this forum. Often you will get people commenting who are simply envious. Those same people don't understand court system and can't seem to grasp the fact that SS is fully taxable. Many people who comment on here are working joes who haven't got a clue about business ownership.

You do not need to defend a decision that has been handed down to you from a judge. If your spouse doesn't like it he can take you to court and try to have decision overturned like my ex does. Total waste of time but he can obviously afford it.

This is also a nice point that should reverberate around the forum.

[dinkyface]

He paid me some $ out from the last sale and he's saying the money he gave me is my income.

I'm confused ... it can be income (i.e. is a form of ongoing equalization of his commercial realty business assets) OR the amount would be used to determine CS/SS. Surely you are not trying to double dip on this?

He claims he has the right to take them to all sporting events, no matter what day. He's registered the boys in all kinds of sports, they will be in something everyday it looks like. And he hasn't stated times or days of any of these sports.

You have every right to do your own activities (or nothing at all) on your days with the kids. He is attempting to encroach on your parenting time. If you settle on an alternating week schedule, you'll have to agree on SOME activities. But I think because of his behaviour you have a good case to propose a schedule where you get every Mon/Tues, he gets every Weds/Thurs (or vice versa), and you alternate Fri/Sat/Sun. This gives you 2 days where he is completely out of the picture. Though you still have to deal with weekend activities.

Hang on with the schedule - don't cave to his blackmail. You have a golden opportunity on Friday to make this right, to expose this unreasonable bullying. But you HAVE to
- indicate explicitly that you disagree with his tactics, as it amounts to using the kids for extortion
- send him a 50-50 interim schedule proposal for September that you feel will work for both your schedules, and that you feel comfortable committing to for longer term.

Ideally, to separate yourself from him (and the nanny) as much as possible, you pick up from school, and arrange your own daycare, then drop off to school the next morning. Avoid meeting with him, and don't go to his house.

[Karver]

When he sold his mall, he gave me half the sale proceeds minus tax and I bought my current house with it. He kept the matrimonial house. So on figuring out his income, my half was taken off... I think. I gave 3 years financials for myself and him to the accountants and the accountant talked to the lawyer, so I'm assuming they all know what they're talking about. I'm not trying to do anything wrong, I just need to make this more fair for the both of us. Of course paying me more than $1000 a month is not his idea of fair.

The ex and I went back and forth thru emails today. I basically said I wasn't comfortable agreeing to what reads as a legal document and that i have to run that by my lawyer tomorrow morning. But I told him in the immediate, he had the kids for 10 days, now I would like them to Thursday and then we will come up with schedule Friday. He just said he wanted me to agree now, I said I'll agree for this week and he said "fine, your not getting boys until the 7th"

It's maddening! So no kids for me.