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  • Ex is holding my property hostage, what can I do?

    Hi,
    So, when we moved out of our shared residence, I wasn't present for part of it, and my ex moved a decent portion of my property (not stuff we got during our marriage, but actual, I-owned-this-before-we-met stuff) to her boyfriends garage where we were basically dumping everything, since her apartment fell through and she had no-where to move to. I thought she was leaving my things on the u-haul we were sharing, but whatever, I thought it would be fine. I picked up one car-load of stuff, and then she started getting funny about letting me come back for the rest of it, until finally the other week she told me that I couldn't have any of my things back until the asset split was signed to her satisfaction.

    Obviously this is uncool, and I have tried asking nicely, explaining that I can't sign things when she has leverage over my head, etc etc, but she's refusing to return it until she gets what she wants. I'm not signing anything when there's this dangling over my head, but I'm not sure at all what my rights are regarding this. Is it considered stolen property? Can I get the police involved to retreive my items? I really would rather be civil about this, but there are things in there I need to get moving on with my new place and new life, and it's been 2 months. I need some leverage. What are my options?

  • #2
    Sounds like neither of you trust each other.

    Someone will have to do that. Why not you.

    Come to agreement regarding assets that is fair and sign it. Then worry about her not giving your stuff back.

    Comment


    • #3
      That is a noble sentiment, but I don't feel I can come to agree on something as "fair" when I'm worried that if she doesn't get her way I'll never see my things again.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by CouldaGoneBetter View Post
        That is a noble sentiment, but I don't feel I can come to agree on something as "fair" when I'm worried that if she doesn't get her way I'll never see my things again.
        It is just stuff... Unless it is 150,000+ in collectibles... Why fight over chattels and used goods?

        Contents of a matrimonial home are worth nothing... So many litigants fight over contents... Unless you have irreplaceable art or something of true value... It just isn't worth it.

        The threshold of bothering should be what it would cost you to fight it out in court (265-800$/hour) versus the actual value of the "stuff".

        A motion is a good 3 days of legal billing... Do the math... Is the stuff worth that much to fight over?

        In fact, if you show no interest in it and you are dealing with a high-conflict litigant they will probably end up giving it back... They want you to be mad, fight about it and long to keep you on your toes like this.

        Don't fight over even 50,000$ in Family Court... The cost to get the 50,000$ is usually 0$ once the lawyers bills are paid.

        Good Luck!
        Tayken

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Tayken View Post
          Don't fight over even 50,000$ in Family Court... The cost to get the 50,000$ is usually 0$ once the lawyers bills are paid.
          Or, worse, it costs you more than $50K (often way more) to "win" $50K (often way less) back.

          Your advice above needs to be written on a blackboard 10,000 times by anyone considering a divorce

          Cheers!

          Gary
          Last edited by Gary M; 05-11-2012, 06:56 AM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by CouldaGoneBetter View Post
            That is a noble sentiment, but I don't feel I can come to agree on something as "fair" when I'm worried that if she doesn't get her way I'll never see my things again.
            Beyond what Tayken said about the cost/benefit analysis you should do, you might also consider that it might be worth giving up your stuff just to be rid of someone who would do that.

            Yeah, (s)he wins the battle - but you need to keep your eyes on the whole campaign.

            Seriously, if all you guys have to fight over is just some stuff, count yourself lucky indeed.

            Cheers!

            Gary

            Comment


            • #7
              As an Insurance Broker (yeah, don't flame me....) I'm counselling clients all the time on "It's Just Stuff!!" When we are going over property policies and they want to schedule their great grandma's favourite pearl necklace, to them it is priceless, one of a kind, can never be replaced.... But at the end of the day, it really is nothing more than just a necklace.

              Letting go of the sentimental value on items is damn hard!! I know! I've been there!! But at the end of the day, yeah it really sucks that you're walking away from your favourite stuffed teddy bear that belonged to your dad and his dad before him..... but sometimes we just gotta do just that....

              Best wishes!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Gary M View Post
                Or, worse, it costs you more than $50K (often way more) to "win" $50K (often way less) back.

                Your advice above needs to be written on a blackboard 10,000 times by anyone considering a divorce

                Cheers!

                Gary
                The problem with "lawyers" is that many of them sell you the idea that you will get your "costs" back at the end of it all from the other party. Selling false hope like this just fuels the fire. Costs are determined once the litigation is done.

                Costs are relative and there are so many factors to cost awards one being... You made it to the end of trial more often than not. Furthermore, no costs award is 100% of what you paid even if you get it... They are only fractions of what the true costs were.

                Furthermore, there is no cost award for the "emotional cost" either. As Gary says... Some times it is just better to walk away and let the other party think they "won" something. What you "won" was freedom.

                Good Luck!
                Tayken

                Comment


                • #9
                  Great advice by Gary and Tayken, I left her every thing, the only thing that really pissed me was that she wasnt returning my computer, and backup DVDs which had my child's pictures, my own childhood pictures and a lot of financial information. it was hard for me to think that the "hard drive could have failed and i would still lose every thing" because i had made backups of every thing.

                  but then i thought to myself, if the house caught fire and every thing was burnt ..........poof just became easier to let go of stuff.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Really? He's supposed to just roll over and accept that his personal possessions, that have nothing to do with her or their relationship, are not worth the court cost to get back?

                    These are items which are not going to be argued over as part of the asset split, they are his own belongings, that she has indeed stolen.

                    Why can't he just contact the police, make an appointment to get the boxes back, and go get them with an escort? I've seen that advice go by before. Court and costs don't even enter into it.

                    We've all heard the stories of the vengeful ex selling everything off and destroying sentimental items, etc. I don't think he should let it go, nor do I think he should waste any time insisting he get them back.

                    If she wants him to negotiate in good faith, she should show good faith first by returning the possessions that aren't even going to be argued over.

                    Make a list of what you think she has, get together any documentation you may have that proves they belong to you personally and aren't to be divided, and get them back. If there's anything questionable, tell her those can stay as 'collateral' but you need the personal, irreplaceable, things.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I agree. The dollar value of those items may be little, however the cost to replace them all and rebuild a household is quite costly. I find it absolutely unreasonable that one party should be expected to rebuild from the ground up at their own expense when the ex refuses to return items that they have no rights to.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        yup, she has no right to do so, so it really boils down to, would he rather have the headache of trying to get all of it back (and only get some of it, practically) or just spend the extra money and get brand new sparkling stuff.

                        but yah, if he really wants to go after, gather evidence go to cops, if they refuse to listen to you (in my case they said "she's gonna say its matrimonial and not yours, go through family court") you can go to a Justice of Peace and get theft charges laid on her.

                        but also remember, at the end of the day if the charges dont hold, and she dosnt end up returng your stuff, you can also get sued. so ..

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                        • #13
                          ^^ exactly - it just boils down to "Is it worth it???"

                          He has to weight the intrinsic value.... the sentimental value.... and the real/potential cost in getting the items returned..... It's not an easy decision!!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                            I agree. The dollar value of those items may be little, however the cost to replace them all and rebuild a household is quite costly. I find it absolutely unreasonable that one party should be expected to rebuild from the ground up at their own expense when the ex refuses to return items that they have no rights to.
                            Ikea + Walmart = solution.

                            Reduction of stress = happier person.

                            Fighting it out in court = hell on wheels.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                              Why can't he just contact the police, make an appointment to get the boxes back, and go get them with an escort? I've seen that advice go by before. Court and costs don't even enter into it.
                              It can be done so long as he has the receipts to provide to the police that they are his property and not matrimonial assets.

                              The police really don't like doing this. They are police and not family law mediators. So you have to go prepared with all the receipts, serial numbers and other proof they are your belongings and not matrimonial property.

                              Furthermore, is the conflict of involving the police going to only make things worse?

                              Good Luck!
                              Tayken

                              Comment

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