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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #1  
Old 06-25-2019, 10:47 AM
Jinneebhat Jinneebhat is offline
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Default Recanting my statement - a bit

My wife was arrested for multiple counts of attacks on me. I reported those attacks and the police framed it making me the victim

My kids are very much missing their mother and I feel so agononized to se her pain.
She is apologetic too
I do have a bit of serious injury marls from one of her previous attacks.

When reporting to detectives under oath I reported one attack that caused me this injury mark

I want to recant that and make it an accident instead of a real attack. It may have been an accident in reality as she always maintained that she never wanted to hurt me and it was just a wrong push at wrong time that made me get hurt by the sharp object
For my kids sake, i want to do this recanting so as to avoid any serious charge on her but do not want a cross charge on myself for changing or atleast twisting
Please advise if this is recommendable , esp if this is not a big deal
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  #2  
Old 06-25-2019, 11:02 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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this is the cycle of abuse. look at it. read it.

read it again.


then read it again.


that uncomfortable feeling in your stomach- that's recognition.


do not recant your statement.

You doing that does a huge disservice to your children.

People who abuse their partner- will almost always eventually turn their abuse to their children.
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  #3  
Old 06-25-2019, 11:03 AM
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Janus Janus is offline
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See above, Iona said it better.

Last edited by Janus; 06-25-2019 at 11:04 AM. Reason: Iona said it better
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  #4  
Old 06-25-2019, 11:12 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
Sounds suspiciously like divorceakai...



Look, I never suffered physical abuse, so I admit I don't know how it goes, but does it really screw with your head this badly?
Yes. Those around you- and esp. people who love you and know the situation get angry at you. Sometimes interventions help. Sometimes they don't.

Quote:
Does this guy actually seriously believe that he is helping his kids by letting their mom getting away with an assault? Is this some variant of Stockholm Syndrome or something?
People who haven't been in abusive relationships sometimes don't realize that the abuser isn't always bad all of the time. There's a reason you fall in love with the person in the first place. They can be charming- they can be a lovely person actually. My ex was funny- and at the beginning did really sweet things. He is social and has a ton of friends.

Also- abusers need victims. It's like the perfect storm- there is often huge underlying issues with the victim/ co-dependent...there are definitely self-esteem issues. There is often a history with violence.

I know it blows your mind- why does someone stay in a situation like this. There are SO many reasons.

To the OP- I know how hard it must be to have two your kids- the idea of raising them solo probably seems daunting and terrible and just down right shitty. BUT..

here's the big BUT


Ask yourself- do you want your girls to have the same thing happen to them?

Loook at your daughters- do you want someone to threaten them? To physically assault them to the point where they need stitches and are scarred for life?


Quote:
Jinnee/Akai/whatever:

Stop this crap. You need a therapist and holy god almighty you need it right now. You are about to make some serious mistakes. Are you employed? Do you have access to any benefits? Is there any third party you can talk to? Maybe even call a women's shelter and ask them if they have contacts for a male version.

My recommendation is to tell the truth. Read what saddle wrote in that other thread, your wife will be fine, your kids will be fine. If you lie to the detectives, you are hurting your kids.
This.

Your wife will be fine.

Your kids will be fine.


My ex is in therapy. He was charged and got a plea deal. He served no time, and he won't have a record. But he was asked to take responsibility for his actions.

He still has a great relationship with our daughter.

She is fine. Kids are adaptable. As long as they're loved and safe, they will be fine.

Do you have anyone in your life who can help you? Parents? Friends?
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Old 06-25-2019, 11:34 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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You do realize that police make determinations on laying charges too. Its not just your statement that does it. Which means that if you had a “serious injury” from a “previous assault” they are basing laying charges on a history of violence and proof of the assault.

Give your head a shake. Your children are being raised by a person who has no qualms about PHYSICAL VIOLENCE toward another person. Think about that. Think about her interactions with others. Will she assault another parent at an event? Another family member? YOUR CHILDREN?

Your kids need a mother who is able to function without violence and this may be the bridge to the therapy/training/punishment to make her that person.

Get some therapy buddy. Do it now. See the victims of abuse info, talk to your family doctor, call family services...whatever it takes to get yourself in a better headspace.

Recanting about someone who has used violence against you is not the answer.
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Old 07-03-2019, 06:08 PM
Jinneebhat Jinneebhat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
Yes. Those around you- and esp. people who love you and know the situation get angry at you. Sometimes interventions help. Sometimes they don't.

People who haven't been in abusive relationships sometimes don't realize that the abuser isn't always bad all of the time. There's a reason you fall in love with the person in the first place. They can be charming- they can be a lovely person actually. My ex was funny- and at the beginning did really sweet things. He is social and has a ton of friends.

Also- abusers need victims. It's like the perfect storm- there is often huge underlying issues with the victim/ co-dependent...there are definitely self-esteem issues. There is often a history with violence.

I know it blows your mind- why does someone stay in a situation like this. There are SO many reasons.

To the OP- I know how hard it must be to have two your kids- the idea of raising them solo probably seems daunting and terrible and just down right shitty. BUT..

here's the big BUT


Ask yourself- do you want your girls to have the same thing happen to them?

Loook at your daughters- do you want someone to threaten them? To physically assault them to the point where they need stitches and are scarred for life?




This.

Your wife will be fine.

Your kids will be fine.


My ex is in therapy. He was charged and got a plea deal. He served no time, and he won't have a record. But he was asked to take responsibility for his actions.

He still has a great relationship with our daughter.

She is fine. Kids are adaptable. As long as they're loved and safe, they will be fine.

Do you have anyone in your life who can help you? Parents? Friends?
Thanks for the valuable advise
My spouse is ready for the therapies to control her anger. Now what's for me? Want to give her one last chance or apply for divorce.
Did u apply for one? Did ur partner lost custody rights?
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  #7  
Old 07-03-2019, 06:25 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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She still shouldnt be around you or the children. I would suggest a trial separation with full custody to you and supervised access. Were there not bail conditions on her release?
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  #8  
Old 07-03-2019, 07:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
She still shouldnt be around you or the children. I would suggest a trial separation with full custody to you and supervised access. Were there not bail conditions on her release?
Was she violent towards the children? I must missed that post.
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  #9  
Old 07-03-2019, 07:42 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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It wasn’t made clear but I was more concerned that she was charged with assault. If it was a man they would be removed from the home and have supervised access. Why is it different for a woman?
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  #10  
Old 07-03-2019, 09:46 PM
tilt tilt is offline
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It is now recognised that children witnessing domestic violence (especially by a dominant partner towards an obviously more weaker partner) is more traumatizing than being victims of abuse themselves - it makes th children feel disempowered, angry, sad, frightened, and destabilized. So even if the parent never directs their anger/control towards the children directly, the children are still victems of abuse. I believe this is actually spelled out in the latest legislation.

Something that is rarely brought up but is very much true in my experience is that the person being abused often uses abusive behaviour on weaker people around them to lessen the original abuse victem’s own chances of a new cycle beginning. So, an abused parent will “train” their children to hide their emotions to avoid angering the abusive parent, or borrow significant sums of money from people who can’t afford to lend it to give to the abuser to “keep the peace”, or tell the children to not tell anyone about what is happening at home or else “CAS will take you away”. Basically, putting their own wants before the children’s needs.

It is a complex, shitty situation and our woeful social supports/over-reliance on a poorly funded justice system contribute to the perpetuation of the problem.
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