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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 09-19-2017, 09:24 PM
bcgooddad bcgooddad is offline
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Default Sexsomnia and parenting

My ex and I are finally hashing out our parenting agreement for our now 3 year old daughter. She has just had her first two overnights with me, and has always nursed to sleep with her mom (still nursing). One issue she has brought up is that she doesn't want me co-sleeping with our daughter.

I used to sleep grope my partner occasionally, that is aggressively fondle her while I slept, and she is afraid I would do that to our daughter. It is a horrifying thought, and there is nothing in my soul that would consider doing that, nor do I feel my unconscious body would do that. I feel like my hands would recognize that it's not my lover lying there, not a woman's body, and the anatomy wouldn't fit, so it seems impossible to me. I've slept beside my 10 year old son many times without groping him, so I think there is some unconscious awareness there.

Regardless, it would be devastating and I can't convince my ex that it would never happen. The problem is, my daughter is quite sensitive and needs a lot of cuddles to sleep. She gets restless, and cuddles tightly up to me to sleep, grabs my arms and hugs it tightly. I want to take of her need for comfort, as well as help my ex feel that our daughter is in a safe situation.

Anybody have any experience or advice here? Has sleep groping (sexsomnia) ever transferred to sleep child molestation? I feel like it would be extremely rare.

Anyways, I've agreed not to sleep with her, but I don't want it to come across as a breach of agreement if my daughter needs or wants to crawl into bed with me to fall asleep, or that her relationship with me would be compromised by not allowing co-sleeping (i.e. that I am a "dangerous" parent, or that she has to report where she slept and feel badly if she crawls in with me, or worse that she wouldn't be allowed to sleep over if she couldn't sleep by herself).

Thanks for any input.
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Old 09-19-2017, 09:37 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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3 yr old should be in own bed period IMO.

You have nightlights and monitors.

Time to shut the door and say "nighty-night" No one every died from crying. This is something many parents have to go through, particularly when they have molly-coddled a child and indulged in such behaviors.

Parenting isn't easy.

I'd simply adopt rules for your home (everyone sleeps in their own bed) and stick with them. You are powerless if your wife continues to sleep with the kid. Different homes different rules. Better get used to it. If not then you are likely setting yourself up for false allegations down the road.
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Old 09-20-2017, 01:28 AM
piggybanktoex piggybanktoex is offline
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Breast feeding (IMHO) and co-sleeping (definitely) should be a thing of the past by 3 years old....just saying
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Old 09-20-2017, 01:40 AM
bcgooddad bcgooddad is offline
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Yeah, it's not my department, it is what it is. She was always a fussy baby, and continues to be. I'm fine with it, just makes my job harder.
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Old 09-20-2017, 09:25 AM
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Janus Janus is offline
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You would think on this forum of all places we would somehow be able to move beyond the tired stereotype of:

All Men = Wannabe Rapists

Many cultures cosleep. Our culture's fascination with sexualizing children is weird. The vast majority of parents do not sexually assault their kids. The parents that do assault their kids will not be stopped by a cultural prohibition against cosleeping.

Just go to canlii and look up R. vs (some initials) and you'll get to read all about sexual assault of children. Offhand, I can't think of one that stemmed from cosleeping. Somehow, the rapists all found a way to do it otherwise.

Bonus: Poster is just as likely to grope his son.

That said, you have an ex wife who is out to get you. Don't sleep with the daughter, and let daughter know that mom is to blame for the bullshit. Don't let mom get away with it.
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Old 09-20-2017, 10:23 AM
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Rioe Rioe is offline
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I think it would be fine to say something like "at my house, daughter will have her own room and bed, but if she needs reassurance at night, she's going to receive it." That sets out the intention not to cosleep, but leaves it nice and vague otherwise.

Honestly though, the ability to self-soothe is a very important thing to learn as a child. I think someone teaching it to her is a critical thing, and frankly, if the mother doesn't want you cosleeping with the daughter, it should be HER responsibility to teach it. You ARE going to have the child for overnights because you are her father. If the mother is so concerned about you accidentally groping your daughter in the night, then she should WANT to teach the child to sleep in her own bed by herself.

It sounds like it's going to be up to you though. Your ex is engineering the situation to try to justify not letting you have overnights, with this lengthy nursing and cosleeping and now bringing up sleep groping.

A three-year old is perfectly capable of understanding that things are different at dad's house, that she obviously can't nurse to sleep there. Slowly teach her to fall asleep on her own like a big girl. Pretty, animated nightlights, her favourite character sheet, a special stuffy or blanket, soft background music, whatever helps her. It will take lots of patience and gentleness on your part, but you can do it.

Pretty soon you'll have a child going back to her mother's house boasting about how "I slept in my own bed like a big girl!" and your ex frantically trying to come up with a new excuse about how you aren't comforting her properly.
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Old 09-20-2017, 02:45 PM
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LovingFather32 LovingFather32 is offline
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I'm going to be honest, I feel tad creeped out with this thread.

1. You can not control your unconscious .. dont try to. You will grope an adult, you will grope a bunny rabbit, you will grope a child. This is a condition you have. Refrain from sleeping with kids...period.

2. At that age you should be teaching her to sleep on her own anyways.

Dont let her steal your overnights. She has her own room and sleeps on her own...period.
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