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  • Absolutely broken

    Hi all,

    So, for those of you following my last thread ''Kids wanting live with dad now", I have to tell you they only continue to call when they want something and even still they are very rude, if not more so now. It is so hurtful. I guess in their minds they feel entitled.

    My therapist told me to take a break from them. So, I sent my ex telling him I was going to take a step back for awhile to give our kids some space. It is killing me to not text them even if to only say, "I love you and miss you". They usually don't respond anyhow now (again, only if they want something and more rude than before).

    How long do I go without sending them a text or calling them? Their rejection and rudeness is extremely painful/hurtful.

    How do I cope with this pain? It is beyond anything I have ever felt before!

    Thanks for your support and comfort.

  • #2
    don't tell them you miss them just say that you love them. Think about all those years that the father was nothing more than a visitor and why (if he was an end of the week dad)

    Show your kids that you love them and you support their wishes and if they want to be a part of your life they will, if not, still love them and be there for them when they need you

    Comment


    • #3
      Take it day by day or hour by hour. If you break down now and start calling/texting the kids because you miss them, you're teaching them that you're dependent on them, you can't survive without affirmation from them. You're also teaching them that you don't follow through on commitments.

      The "break" from calling/texting is for the kids' benefit as much as yours. You are giving them time away from the drama and conflicted loyalties. The constant calling/texting was feeding your own desires for contact, but really wasn't helping the kids.

      You might want to think about the addiction model in relation to your relationship with your kids. Kids are not drugs, but when there's something that you think you can't survive without, you can't cope with the pain of not having that thing, and you're contemplating breaking your vow to give up that thing, that's very similar to addict behavior.

      You can and will survive a week or two without communicating with your kids.

      Comment


      • #4
        My partner had to learn this in a different way. He wasnt as involved with his kids as you are but they were equally as rude. Last night while feeling guilty about the holidays I recommended he go back and read the messages from several years ago when he was screwed over by his kids and ex. That pain reminded him of why he acts the way he does now.

        You can do this. As difficult as it may seem now, think about how a healthy relationship SHOULD BE. Do you want your children to treat you respectfully? Then this is the best way.

        You also need to consider that you are the parent and teaching them is your job. Did you punish them when they were young? Did it break your heart to say no? This is what parents do and overlooking their behaviour has led to this moment.

        Time now to focus on you. Look at your life, your career, your interests and what you would be doing if you hadnt gotten married and had kids. Have you read a good book lately? Gone for a pedicure? Watched a good movie? Reconnected with a friend? Do something for you. All the energy you spent on them should now be focused on your needs. Start a healthy eating:exercise program. Organize your house. Try a new recipe.

        Stop dwelling on this and what is happening. Only you can change your situation so do it! Six months from now you may be surprised by what you have accomplished!

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        • #5
          probably a good time to start enrolling in parenting classes as well, you will be surprised at what you learn

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          • #6
            Originally posted by stripes View Post
            Take it day by day or hour by hour. If you break down now and start calling/texting the kids because you miss them, you're teaching them that you're dependent on them, you can't survive without affirmation from them. You're also teaching them that you don't follow through on commitments.

            The "break" from calling/texting is for the kids' benefit as much as yours. You are giving them time away from the drama and conflicted loyalties. The constant calling/texting was feeding your own desires for contact, but really wasn't helping the kids.

            You might want to think about the addiction model in relation to your relationship with your kids. Kids are not drugs, but when there's something that you think you can't survive without, you can't cope with the pain of not having that thing, and you're contemplating breaking your vow to give up that thing, that's very similar to addict behavior.

            You can and will survive a week or two without communicating with your kids.
            Awesome advice - this Stripes is a pretty smart person!

            I would add that taking up an activity involving charity would be good for you. There are plenty of good organizations out there that would just love to have someone like you on board. You don't have to go overboard and feel you have to commit your whole life - just find a non-profit organization you endorse and call them up and see what you can do to help you. This will help take the focus off of your own situation and bring everything into perspective.... your kids are healthy and have loving and supportive parents.... others aren't so fortunate. It sounds like your kids need a reality check.

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            • #7
              One of the small things you can do which can make a big difference is use different language or words. For instance, you're title for this thread is ..."absolutely broken".

              If instead, what if you said " going through an interesting transition period with my children and looking for suggestions to make things smoother..." Same situation, different words used to describe it. The words you use can weigh you in despair or they can help guide you towards solutions. Try changing your vocabulary to describe the same thing. You may be pleasantly surprised or even magically enlightened.
              It's worked for me.

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              • #8
                Get a boyfriend, makes tonnes of moms forget about their kids.

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                • #9
                  Thank you Trinton. So very hard. My brother decided to call my ex. My brother a very calm and really good person couldn't get a word in. All he had wanted to say was it would be nice if you suggest the kids to call their mom here and there, I understand they are angry, but she is still their mom. My ex wouldn't let him speak, he went on and on about he did not want to be a full time dad at age 50 and that his wife was stuck making lunches everyday now. He swore horribly (that is just what he does); wonder where my kids get it. Insert sad face.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    It is indeed a very difficult time and hurtful time for you. If it is any comfort my son was particularly rude and horrible to me in his teens and now at 20+ is considerate, reliable and a more and more independent young man.
                    Try not make your happiness dependent on how your kids treat you. Find something to do for your self and detach yourself a bit. I know, easier said than done, but you need to try.

                    Remember that the kids don't belong to you, they belong to themselves and very soon they will be young men and no longer kids.

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                    • #11
                      Thank you Stripes for your constructive thoughts. I am holding off texting/calling. It is hard to go from talking to someone everyone day, to next to nothing. I think anyone might find this hard/painful.

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                      • #12
                        Thank you Stripes for your thoughts. I am holding off calling/texting. It is really hard to go from speaking to someone almost everyday of your life, to next to nothing. I think anyone would find this painful. I made them first priority in my life; even before that of myself.

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                        • #13
                          Rockscan,

                          All I can say is, I wished you live nearby me. Maybe you do!
                          Thank you for your words and reminding me of what I don't want.

                          NO, I don't want my children treating me like dirt. Their dad did and still does this.

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                          • #14
                            No classes around here on teens. But I have taken out some books on teens and my therapist is talking to me about teens.

                            Thanks.

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                            • #15
                              Arabian,

                              You suggested giving of my time to a non for profit group. If you only knew the field I just graduated from. Smile.

                              Comment

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