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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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  #1  
Old 02-09-2014, 12:04 AM
lostinspace lostinspace is offline
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How long did you browse, lurk and revisit this site until you finally decided to do it? I first came here about 6 months ago.

I want to divorce my wife. We have two very young children S9 D5. I don't really love her anymore. I think I stopped loving her a long time ago. There is no violence or cheating ... I just dont feel anything for her anymore. When we had children my plan was that I don't want to screw them up... So I would stick it out until they become of age and then get divorced. I realize now that that was a stupid plan. I will get very sick by sticking it out in a miserable marriage for the next 10 to 15 years. I can't cheat on her and my family. I just want to end my job of being a husband to my wife but continue my job of being a father to my children.

I want to divorce her because I am very unhappy being married to her. I also think she is unhappy being married to me. I am convinced we would be better and happier people if we weren't married to each other.

I was thinking of writing out a separation agreement and having her sign it. I want to try to make it an amicable divorce if possible. In the agreement I will state that we do not share the same bed or room. I will also avoid all joint family functions. (Its not that far a stretch from where we are now. We have awkward miserable sex once every couple of months and she is very often moody that I often sleep in the spare room as it is.) I will move into the spare room permanently for 12 months. Once that is over I will move out of the house. After the divorce is final and some time has passed I will consider dating again. At this point in my life I feel the last thing I want is to get involved with another woman and deal with her issues.
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  #2  
Old 02-09-2014, 12:23 AM
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arabian arabian is offline
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hey welcome aboard!
Cudos for you for not jumping into another relationship until you get the one you are in all sorted out. Once the divorce is done and everything is settled I would think some "me" time would be in order.

Keep a sense of humor and when you ask questions try not to let your feelings get hurt by the direct responses.
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  #3  
Old 02-09-2014, 12:38 PM
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Length of lurkage on this site is not related to how long someone agonized about separating from their spouse. I didn't find this forum until months after my separation.

Something I will offer about your situation though. Don't spring a pre-written separation agreement on your wife and expect things to go well. It's usually the case in a marriage breakdown that one of the partners has been contemplating separation while the other one is blissfully ignorant. Oh, they might know the marriage is in the doldrums, but they imagine it will improve, or that their spouse is on board with the unhappiness. Finding out that their partner wants a divorce can be terribly shocking to an unprepared spouse, and the defensive reactions can make things go very poorly.

I would advise you to take a few essential steps before springing the idea of separation on your wife.

First, try communicating with her about how unhappy you are, and how unhappy she seems, and see if you can find a mutual solution to rekindle the love you had at the beginning. Romantic love does often fade over time in a marriage, to be replaced by deeper, more content love, but so many people think that when the initial lust that brought you together dwindles, the marriage has to end.

Second, marriage counselling. If you can't work it out between you, seek professional help. The counsellor can provide you with things to think about and try, and give you their observations of your relationship dynamic.

The main point of these things is to try to salvage the marriage, of course, but that isn't always possible. And even if you are certain that you don't wish to salvage the marriage, try it anyways, because the secondary point is to create an environment of collaboration for the marriage breakdown. It also gets your spouse doing some emotional preparation for separation.

When you've exhausted these possibilities, you can then present research on separation agreements to your partner, and build it together in such a way that it works for your individual situations.

A blindsided ex is emotionally volatile, angry, retaliatory and difficult and expensive to work with. A prepared ex is a lot more reasonable, in most cases. If you want things to be amicable, do not spring a big legal document on her and say "sign this!" In any case, both of you will need lawyers to go over it before you sign it.

All that said, there are steps you should take to protect yourself. Get your personal valuables and documents to a place where she can't get at them. Get all the paperwork you will need for your financial disclosure statement together, and make copies of anything that belongs to her that she is supposed to disclose to you. Make sure you are being an involved parent to your children. Aside from the fact that they will need lots of stability and help guiding them through the upcoming turmoil, you also want to have a history of being part of their lives so you can get fair access and custody. Some people will advise you to keep a digital recorder going on your person, to protect against false accusations of domestic violence, which can force you out of the house and away from your children and set up a big status quo hurdle.

By the way. Family law is SLOW. You may find yourself in that spare room for well over 12 months before the separation agreement is final. Don't include anything specific about a move-out date - just say it will happen once the separation agreement is signed and equalization is done, etc.
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Old 02-09-2014, 09:40 PM
BitHunter BitHunter is offline
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The problem is that your situation will be much, much worse after the divorce than it is now. Don't even dream about amicable divorce - if you want to prepare for a divorce, prepare yourself the most hostile you can imagine or read here.
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  #5  
Old 02-09-2014, 10:42 PM
Links17 Links17 is offline
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Seriously divorce, sucks - I would really suggest going into therapy and really breaking down what the problems are.

You can read my post about Divorce is a bitch.... but if you've tried everything else then go for it. There is no going back from divorce...
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Old 02-09-2014, 11:36 PM
lostinspace lostinspace is offline
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I suggested marriage counseling a while back. It was a negative response. She "doesn't have time for such nonsense". I will try again. It sounds that its a lot easier to just walk out. How much more would one screw up ones children by just walking out versus dragging them through the experience of parents divorcing? I don't believe people change and things change. This marriage will not change and neither will my wife or I. This was what she was always like and i knew it and in my gut I had hesitation of getting married but I didn't listen to my gut. Its in the past. The option of staying in the marriage for another 10 to 15 years and then divorcing. ... Wouldn't that also screw up kids in their late teens/early 20s.. (Which is what my kids will be by that time).
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Old 02-10-2014, 12:12 AM
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The officially accepted position is that kids don't give a crap about their parents incompatibility and when you compare divorce vs non-high conflict marriage - the sucky non-high conflict marriage is better for the kids.

Since the ball is in your court, you need to really understand what divorce is going to end up meaning.
1. Financial Devastation perhaps (court fees, child support, S7 expenses, maybe spousal support).
2. Your kids emotional health based on the first point I made
3. Lack of freedom, you'll never be able to change careers without it being a huge issue that a judge will investigate.

There is a reason the majority of divorces are initiated by women, they have much more to gain from it normally.

I'd suggest you check out another forum called talkaboutmarriage.com - its very helpful - it helped me a lot in deciding where to draw my lines and the advice was spot on.

-Not willing to go therapy isn't a deal breaker but its a major knock,

I'd suggest you read some marriage books especially by John Gottman - for me they were extremely accurate and I would say he is considered the best author on the topic.

I also think you its always a good idea to put yourself in her shoes and see how she views things; I guarantee you have your flaws - there are other points but I'm not gonna get into all of them. Read the books and take it from there - you can always file for divorce when you've read everything and investigated everything but you can never unfile for divorce.

All I can say is that you are making a major life decision and since you seem to greatly consider your kids while a lot of ppl will push you into divorce and say "Its better for the kids" the kids don't agree....

I'm a pro-marriage type of guy but not at any cost - don't get abused or have your dignity taken away but this a tremendous decision and it will impact the rest of your life.
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Old 02-10-2014, 12:58 AM
momforever1956 momforever1956 is offline
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Speaking as an "older" poster who was in a long term marriage "29 years", and relating to much of what you have experienced and lived, my suggestion is read carefully what the posters have written.
I had filed for divorce and served my x papers 3 years before my gut proved me right and I finally literally through him out the door.
My children were adults when we separated and it was not easy for them, as 2 adult men today they thank me over and over for staying in the marriage while they grew through their teenage years. I am not a believer in marriage at all cost just about 99% of costs. You had not one child and realized the mistake, you had 2 as I did.
Although my life today as a single woman is so much better, peaceful, ( and yes I did get a great settlement), my advice is listen to the posters on here. You need to search very very deep before you make a decision.
Divorce will impact you like nothing you can ever imagine. The consequences to your children you cannot dream about or nightmare about in your wildest thoughts. I have a few friends who are teachers and they can identify children of divorce easily. I don't believe that it is healthy for a child to be raised in an unhappy home, but I do believe the foundation to a successful child is love and security both which are completely uprooted when 2 people whom they trust and admire open the grounds they stand on. Think carefully, listen to posters, (especially males who have been through this process) and read, research and make sure this is what you want to live.
Pretty it isnt going to be!!!! For me--barring abuse there is no excuse when children are involved to break a sacred tie.
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  #9  
Old 02-10-2014, 12:59 AM
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You shouldn't go into a relationship hoping you can change someone. It just doesn't work that way. Both you and your wife will change throughout your marriage but it is important to respect each other as unique individuals.

I have never met a female who has made the difficult, life-changing decision of divorce for financial gain.

It sounds as though you have made your mind up. Walking out sounds like a bit of a cowardice thing to do though. You owe it to your wife to at least have a conversation with her and get her input. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised to find out that she wants to end the marriage as well.

Last edited by arabian; 02-10-2014 at 01:01 AM.
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Old 02-10-2014, 01:09 AM
momforever1956 momforever1956 is offline
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Just an added note. When you decided to marry it was about you and your wife. Once you decide to bring life into this world it is no longer about YOU. When I hear, " I wasn't happy", I have to say, life is not about happiness. Maybe today a new car will make you happy, maybe a new relationship, but how long does this happiness last? What will you need tomorrow to make you happy. Happiness is within, and even though my marriage was a horrible one from the beginning, I lived a happy life. I made it happy and surrounded myself with friends and family and hobbies and community work to make it the best it could be. Ultimately as so many I know in subsequent relationships admit, "If I knew then what I know now, my decisions would not have been the same." Do some reading about the step--parents on here and what they endure. Read about the frustrations with the 'X' wife and rarely he "x" husband. I think to myself how these relationships are strained from the get go.
Having said that, there are deal breakers, when I found out that my husband was leading a double life, sleeping with transsexuals and was angry and miserable and blamed me for his inner turmoil, I realized it was time to get out and not endure the abuse any longer!!!!

Last edited by momforever1956; 02-10-2014 at 01:11 AM.
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