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  • i cried this morning :(

    yes I did, and I am so sad that I allow my ex to bring me to the point of tears.
    This weekend is his visitation weekend with out children. He asked for some additional time with our children because they are going camping several hours away and he wanted to make the most out of the day and get to the camp ground in good time. *normal exchange is Fri at 6p.m.
    So I agreed (for th esake of our children) and told him that I would have the children ready for him to pick up at 9:30 this morning... I let him know that I would like to have them back a little early too in exchange - as we are heading out camping when they return with him... he said o.k. I emailed him last night to let him know that I would have a letter for him to sign stating that we both agreed to the change of visitaiton times as they are outside of the regular schedule. He said o.k.
    He showed up this morning - and when I handed him the paper to sign he almost rejected it. He took several moniuted to read it (it was only about 8 lines long) then he held it up to my window and sribbled. He handed it back to me and he didn't even sign it with his signature - he printed his name on the line. Seriously??? why on earth can't he just grow up!! I poiltely asked whe wouldnt "sign" the paper and he said "that's my name, that's my signature -take it or leave it"... Our children were standing off to the side, so of course I wouldnt make a scene with them there.
    My point is I am so sad that there are never any consquences to his behaviour. This is just one example - I have so many more... He knows that he can just keep getting away with things because there is nothing I can do but keep going back to court. Even when the court orders something of him.. he doesnt follow! I am sad.
    I have sole custody - but you would never know it!

  • #2
    If he has shown to regularly act like this, why let him have them early? Also what is the importance of the letter? To me the letter shows that you can work together and that also would be good for him to be asking for more access leading to equal parenting. We all get sad at times, but in the grand scheme of things you can maybe invite a friend over, or go out and have a glass of wine, bitch about your ex to them and then laugh the evening away. He is doing this to get a reaction out of you and it worked. Now you are upset even though you both are getting what you want. I know its easier said then done to thicken your skin up but it would help with petty stuff like this.

    Comment


    • #3
      Hmmm?

      I don't have a custody agreement in place...so I have no idea...but is it normal to have to have a signed letter in the event you make a small change to the regular time arrangement?

      You actually go to court over stuff like this?

      Comment


      • #4
        I have to allow him access - as I have been told before - he hasnt harmed the children physically, he feeds them etc... The importance to the letter is this.. it was advised by my lawyer to have any out of schedule exchanges be documented with letter.. my ex (6months ago) told me that he wouldn't be returning the children to me during one of his weekends with them. I refused him to take them.. I called the police (3 male police showed up at my home) and told me that because my ex shows no history of fleeing - I would have to release the children to him. My problem is- is that there was history, however - I have learned the hard way.. even if you are scared it is important to report.
        I allowed the early exchange becuase I feel sorry for our children...
        EXAMPLE: I have sole custody - however in our court order my old lawyer forgot to fix the line that states I need to have his written permission for the children to cross the boarder. My sister wanted to take our children to Darrien Lake for a 4 day get away. When I asked him to sign the travel permission paper - my ex said No. Our children were devistated and I was dealt with wiping the tears.
        Sooooo, what my ex does is talks to our children and gets them excited about their next weekend with him... this week he wanted to take them camping and leave before dark because of the long drive... I did say no at first to the early exchange, but then my heart went in the direction of the children and I said yes - with a letter stating the change in time.
        I swore I wouldnt allow him anything extra because he is such a bully, but I caved again -I feel bad for my children.... Some may think it is petty, but no one really ever knows what one is dealing with.

        Comment


        • #5
          I think handing him a piece of papre like that to sign might as well have been a slap in the face.
          I probably would have reacted the same way.

          I have no doubt you didn't mean it to be offensive, but I think it was.

          Comment


          • #6
            I have a claus similar, where I have to get permission (which cannot be unreasonably withheld) for any trips outside Ontario. My ex decided a couple weeks before my mothers big 60th birthday party that she was going to not give permission for the trip, so I took it to court and while she was told to let me have the trip, she was not even slapped on the wrist for making me take her to court for it. So if he does not want to let the kids go on trips to the US, maybe bring him to court 1 time for it. Also discuss that he should not talk about how a change to the schedule would be more fun for the kids as this gets their hopes up and it forces you to comply so that you do not look like the bad parent.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by neverending View Post
              I have to allow him access - as I have been told before - he hasnt harmed the children physically, he feeds them etc... The importance to the letter is this.. it was advised by my lawyer to have any out of schedule exchanges be documented with letter.. my ex (6months ago) told me that he wouldn't be returning the children to me during one of his weekends with them. I refused him to take them.. I called the police (3 male police showed up at my home) and told me that because my ex shows no history of fleeing - I would have to release the children to him. My problem is- is that there was history, however - I have learned the hard way.. even if you are scared it is important to report.
              I allowed the early exchange becuase I feel sorry for our children...
              EXAMPLE: I have sole custody - however in our court order my old lawyer forgot to fix the line that states I need to have his written permission for the children to cross the boarder. My sister wanted to take our children to Darrien Lake for a 4 day get away. When I asked him to sign the travel permission paper - my ex said No. Our children were devistated and I was dealt with wiping the tears.
              Sooooo, what my ex does is talks to our children and gets them excited about their next weekend with him... this week he wanted to take them camping and leave before dark because of the long drive... I did say no at first to the early exchange, but then my heart went in the direction of the children and I said yes - with a letter stating the change in time.
              I swore I wouldnt allow him anything extra because he is such a bully, but I caved again -I feel bad for my children.... Some may think it is petty, but no one really ever knows what one is dealing with.

              I'm not trying to scold you.
              Please don't think I am.
              But do you honestly believe that he is the ONLY problem?

              I mean my ex and I hate each other. But sometimes I have to admit I bring a bad result on to myself depending how I act and speak to her on different occasions. Neither of us are wholly to blame. I suspect from reading your posts there is still a fair amount of emotion wrapped up in all this for you. Maybe it's the same for him, and you two need to give each other a break.

              Comment


              • #8
                Try not to let any of his behaviour get to you - you do not own his behaviour or how he reacts to anything - he does. It's not a reflection on you - he owns it. Don't worry about it!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Pursuinghappiness - No I wouldnt return to court with the letter... it is just to keep both parties accountable.
                  Wretchedotis - he is aware that this is procedure... if you act like an ass, you will be handed a piece of paper stating your obligations.
                  What I find offensive, is his lack of maturity, his need to cheat the system and avoid his responsibilities, his smug attitude and belief that he is untouchable... etc. etc.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Neverending:

                    That's really rough and thank you for the information. Its gotta be tough to have to monitor to that level everytime you move the kids around. I hate the idea of having to do that kind of stuff in the future just to protect myself in court.

                    One nice thing about my separation so far is that we've managed pretty well to work out a basic schedule with the kids. He never informs me if he's going to be out after work or when he's going on business trips...but he's never managed child care...so it makes no difference to me. When he does want to take the kids somewhere, he does at least notify me by email.

                    I'll keep in mind the thing about crossing the border because we both do it often and I'll make sure I have something written specifically into our agreement about that.

                    Even though its a pain in the butt, I think its commendable that you're doing whatever you can to make sure he can take the kids camping and such. Its good for them even if its a lot of work for you. And its good that you're not letting his bad behavior dictate your own. I'm not sure how long you've been at it for...but maybe if you continue to be fair and reasonable, he'll come around and make an effort to try harder for the sake of the kids??

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by fireweb13 View Post
                      I have a claus similar, where I have to get permission (which cannot be unreasonably withheld) for any trips outside Ontario. My ex decided a couple weeks before my mothers big 60th birthday party that she was going to not give permission for the trip, so I took it to court and while she was told to let me have the trip, she was not even slapped on the wrist for making me take her to court for it. So if he does not want to let the kids go on trips to the US, maybe bring him to court 1 time for it. Also discuss that he should not talk about how a change to the schedule would be more fun for the kids as this gets their hopes up and it forces you to comply so that you do not look like the bad parent.

                      We are returnign back to court to settle a few issues - I am hoping to see some changes.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Maybe request that to change the access schedule he must come before (maybe the night before when the children are in bed) or something like that to sign the paper. You should make sure to give him a copy of the letter that you have signed so that you both can keep for records. I am only suggesting this so that your kids do not need to be subject to his actions when you try and get the letter signed in front of them. Maybe if neither of you tell the kids about the change it could be a fun surprise for them. Like this morning if you woke them up and said "guess what, dad is coming early to bring you guys camping and it should be awesome". (Even though I hate my ex, I still try and get our daughter excited for when she comes to pick her up, and yes it does make me sick to my stomach lol).

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                        • #13
                          thanks fireweb13 -

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                          • #14
                            My ex and I ran into some conflicts early on about trips, whether it was weekend just out of town at Grandpa's or a vacation involving a plane flight to the coast.

                            It's totally unfair to speak to the children about some exciting trip before speaking to the other parent. It puts the other parent on the hotseat, if they disagree then they are the bad guy in the kids eyes and are "totally devasted". It is essentially blackmail to the other parent.

                            For the other parent, giving consent means they have a choice. Does he have a choice or not? By talking to the children about the trip first, you took any reasonable choice away from him. This would make any parent angry, it would make you angry if he did this to you.

                            But your reaction is to focus on how he left the kids "totally devasted" and you don't see how you had any part to play in this situation.

                            The proper process is to discuss things with the ex first, get their agreement, ideally in writing by email, and then mention it to the kids. If he gets contradictory later, then that is his fault, but if you involve the kids in the discussion first, then you have a part to play as well.

                            As far as the original post story, presenting something for him to sign in front of the children is appalling behaviour, I'm sure he was shocked by it and humiliated. The chldren should never be present when you are discussing issues between you (except in special circumstance where you are asking the children appropriate things like do they want to try a new sports team or some such).

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              neverending...
                              My ex is arrogant, condescending, critical and basically rude. I've found myself in the same situation many many many times where I've turned around, and gone back into the house in tears mostly from anger !
                              But...Yesterday I decided enough is enough. He did it to me again...I chuckled at his reply and that made him angrier actually. So basically I've come to realize he acts this way to get a reaction from me. I won't do it anymore.
                              I poured myself a nice scotch, and toasted myself for not having to deal with this any longer 7 days/week and 24 hours a day. Having to deal with this when we switch kids back and forth is a treat compared to everyday ! Savour that thought...

                              Comment

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