Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Dating after seperation/divorce

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Dating after seperation/divorce

    I'm interested to hear other's thoughts and opinions about getting back on the horse. Please feel free to add any other topics as well:

    How soon is too soon?
    How soon is too soon to date someone else who is recently split?
    Dating co-workers - yay or nay?
    How do you date when you or the other person has kids - or both??
    How do you handle it if your kids object to you dating, even after a long seperation or divorced for a while?
    What's your criteria for introducing the new person to your kids? How about introducing their kids to your kids?
    If there are kids involved, do you introduce the new person to your ex? If so, when?
    How do you know you're ready to be back on the market?
    Does your failed marriage affect how you approach or react to new people and relationships? How?

    Discuss!

  • #2
    Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
    I'm interested to hear other's thoughts and opinions about getting back on the horse. Please feel free to add any other topics as well:

    How soon is too soon?
    How soon is too soon to date someone else who is recently split?
    Dating co-workers - yay or nay?
    How do you date when you or the other person has kids - or both??
    How do you handle it if your kids object to you dating, even after a long seperation or divorced for a while?
    What's your criteria for introducing the new person to your kids? How about introducing their kids to your kids?
    If there are kids involved, do you introduce the new person to your ex? If so, when?
    How do you know you're ready to be back on the market?
    Does your failed marriage affect how you approach or react to new people and relationships? How?

    Discuss!
    dating co-workers Nay. it may not work out and that would make things uncomfy at work.

    Comment


    • #3
      I read that women handle divorce and death better emotionally than men. In the report it gave a reason that women are more willing to discuss feelings with others more freely than men. Not sure if I agree, but it was an interesting article.

      I think it is easier for men to "get back on the saddle" as men don't normally attach themselves as easily from casual sex as women do. From my own experience, I did sleep around, but I felt lonely, as I did not have the intimacy I wanted. I needed someone I could confide in, but was only finding one night stands.

      I met my evil ex on a dating system. I felt it was great way to meet women because I was able to find someone to talk with before actually meeting, and alcohol was not involved. Unfortunately I met the woman who would destroy my life, but that is not the fault of the dating system, but more with me willing to ignore warning signs, because I felt that I was unable to find someone who had the good qualities I had from my former partner, and none of the bad.

      I can't see how being divorced would not have a major effect on how you interact with intimate partners. There is that saying "once bitten, twice shy".

      When I introduced my kids to my current wife, I was scared silly. My wife flew in a couple days after I had been home. My kids new she would be coming, and so when my son came to my room in the morning, he saw us in bed, and I asked him if he wanted to join us.(both my kids usually joined me early in the morning.)He said yes, and climbed in and snuggled up to my wife. My daughter did the same thing, and 5 years later, they still have a close relationship with her. I also did not know how to have the kids address her, and they call her by her name, but introduce her to their friends as "my step mom".

      But I think I was lucky as my kids were young when their mother and I separated, and don't have many memories of their mother and me together as a couple.
      Last edited by rwm1273; 10-30-2010, 10:18 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        No other thoughts other than not dating coworkers? Anyone....anyone...bueller?

        Comment


        • #5
          I knew when I was ready to get back to dating. For the longest time, around two years, I had reallly no interest, but slowly I came around. Still, other than a few casual relationships I still haven't become serious about anyone.

          I sometimes wonder whether I'm being too picky, but I always come back to the sense that I'm OK happy the way things are, so I'm in no rush, and that my kids demand a lot of my time, so no biggy. While I sometimes crave some emotional intimacy, by and large I'm not going to let myself be defined by who I'm with, or not with for that matter. I do believe there are some folks out there that will really need to have a partner, and that's fine for them. While that would be nice, it's not priority one for me.

          I have a hangup about introducing new relationship partners to my kids. I probably err way too far on the side of not doing it. I have dated (well dated might be a strong word) a few women but I haven't been inclined at all to introduce a girlfriend to my kids yet and it's been a long time, as in over 4 years. Then again my situation gives me a lot of free weekends so I am able to put myself out there without exposing my kids to it.

          I will have to be somewhat serious about her to even consider having my kids meet her. That said, I crushed on a woman a year ago and introduced her to my kids but we were just friends and remain so today. I guess what I'm saying is that if things got romantic, the romance would only be introduced if it were somewhat serious.

          Comment


          • #6
            What I loved in my husband initially..I came to dislike. I always wanted older, mature buissnessman so my husband 15 years older than me.Iam 45. yes i was unfaithful for so many reasons. I met a 29 year old casual silly full of adventure.Im having the time of my life.we have been together 1.5 years. where it will go i dont know. my daughter is 20 and is disgusted that moms boyfriend could be her boyfriend too.so introducing my teenage kids seems a long time away.I wish it wasent so. i feel like my whole family are still recovering from the shock of me leaving my marriage. My family are really great...but truthfully i cant handle any comments that may be aged based

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
              How soon is too soon?
              Discuss!
              I think how soon depends on the person. I for instance have just ended an 8 year relationship with a man whom I, for the last four years, have had no chemistry and very little intimacy with. I am completely ready to be in another relationship. I am however going to take the next year or two to rediscover myself before I will commit again. I will date however and I'm very excited about it.
              Now, this isn't to say that if your relationship is freshly broken up and both parties are hurting that they should wait a certain amount of time before dating. Sometimes dating is a nice change from the ordinary, you don't have to be sleeping with these people, and speaking to a new person and enjoying that feeling of new conversation and having someone interested in you again is a lovely feeling. Nobody is being hurt and your ex does not need to know, it is none of their business anymore what you do with your life, as long as you are being responsible if kids are involved.

              Comment


              • #8
                my soon to be ex paraded on my street walking hand in hand with his new woman and their dogs.my home was my safe place to come home to, after my 16 hour work day. i went ballistic. i honestly have no feelings for him, emotionally i left the marriage years ago, but to disrespect my space and my three teenagers space really made me go nuts.i told him in a tex after hearing about their parade and he did not respond so i followed him and her to the movies and in the parking lot i told her not to come near my safe space, she said i live in your neiboiurhood, meanwhile thats a 10 minute drive - so no thats not in my neibourhood. shes a stupid woman glad he found a match to complain to

                Comment


                • #9
                  Ruby!!!

                  This sounds nuts to me! You said in 2 posts ago

                  Originally posted by ruby View Post
                  yes i was unfaithful for so many reasons. I met a 29 year old casual silly full of adventure.Im having the time of my life.
                  So you cheated on him when you were married... Now you are upset that his is reacting this way;

                  Originally posted by ruby View Post
                  my soon to be ex paraded on my street walking hand in hand with his new woman and their dogs.
                  You are no longer together. He can walk holding hands with a new girlfriend wherever he wants. He may be intended to rile you up, it may be childish - but if that is his motivation for walking down your street - he just won!

                  Originally posted by ruby View Post
                  i honestly have no feelings for him, emotionally i left the marriage years ago, but to disrespect my space
                  You disrespected your marriage! He can disrespect your space if he wants to. It is everyone's space. Yes it sucks to see your ex with someone else. Let it go.

                  Originally posted by ruby View Post
                  i told him in a tex after hearing about their parade and he did not respond so i followed him and her to the movies and in the parking lot i told her not to come near my safe space
                  Leave them alone. If you think that he is trying to annoy you by going for walks on your street - ignore it. If you think he is being childish and immature - let him be... it only reflects badly on you if you start to follow him around and make demands. It could also get you in legal trouble if you start making public scenes following him and the new girlfriend around.

                  Either way... you aren't over it and you haven't moved on if this made you so upset that you took the time to go and tell them off. Next time you get the urge to follow your STBX - call the 29 year old that you are having the time of your life with and hang out with him! You will be happier and if you don't react, your ex will give up trying to rile you up.

                  Good Luck!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    your amazing i love hearing it straight. your right. i have no regrets of confronting her. but that was the last time i do that. it was my first time seing him with another woman in 21 years.so your right again, when the new girl reached for his hand i was not prepared. i was very hysterical after leaving the scene. i hated how he shared every detail with her. hes pathetic. but in retrospect i needed to get it out of my system. i was also overtired. your words are genuine . thank you for giving it to me straight.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I *think* I'm ready to date again, maybe, almost. Guess not quite yet!

                      But my relationship was 15 years long, I was 16 when we got together, so some of this could be chalked up to being naive and inexperienced (in the sense of dating).

                      As for introducing to my daughter..not until it is serious. I have no problem with her meeting someone as "mommy's friend", as I have many friends that she's met recently (guys too) and she has not treated them any differently that the girls. But to introduce someone as a boyfriend, that has serious implications. I don't want her getting attached to someone who is not going to stay in her life. I know what it's like to blame yourself at a young age, thinking it is your fault that someone left your life. Kids are very focussed on themselves and they believe that everything in life is directly related to how they act.

                      As for dating a co-worker, I think it really depends on the work relationship, if you work closely together, one is a boss or supervisor etc...NO! But if you are in different departments, rarely work on the same projects, then it depends on the maturity of both people. It's not something I would rule out, but definitely be cautious.

                      Failed marriage...definitely affects new relationships. Being out of my marriage I have become much more confident and outgoing, but that hasn't translated into the world of dating. With friends I am fine, enjoying life, but I guess the thought of opening up to someone on a romantic level still scares the shit out of me!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by ruby View Post
                        your amazing i love hearing it straight. your right. i have no regrets of confronting her. but that was the last time i do that. it was my first time seing him with another woman in 21 years.so your right again, when the new girl reached for his hand i was not prepared. i was very hysterical after leaving the scene. i hated how he shared every detail with her. hes pathetic. but in retrospect i needed to get it out of my system. i was also overtired. your words are genuine . thank you for giving it to me straight.
                        I held my tongue on that one earlier. I'm glad that you see that lumpy has a point. It seems that you left the marriage a long time before he did, so for you to be getting all bent out of shape now that he has done the same tells me that you have some letting go to do.

                        If I can be so bold, you mention that he alienated a couple of your kids to you, but you later go on to say that your eldest daughter is disgusted by your new BF. That tells me that you either weren't too discrete or you created a little of that alienation by your lonesome.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I think we over-think these situations a bit.

                          After my separation, a friend became more than a friend. I thought I needed to explain it all to my son, sort of feel him out a bit, ease him into it, blah blah blah

                          He was looking over my shoulder at something out the window, and I said "are you at all interested in this?" and his reply was "not really Mom, can I go play Wii now?"

                          Kids! They help to put things into perspective.

                          I think that if they are healthy, happy, entertained, secure, fed, confident, loved, considered and kept warm - then common sense rules.

                          I think if it feels right for you, it will be fine with the kids. Don't put your over analysing on to them.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by KeepSmiling View Post
                            I think if it feels right for you, it will be fine with the kids. Don't put your over analysing on to them.
                            Good point!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Very true.
                              From a girlfriend's perspective (now wife);

                              My husband wanted me to meet the kids after 1 month of dating. I was shocked. Made me wonder if he was insane and I should get out while I could. I waited until I was sure (as sure as you can be!) that we were in it for the long haul.

                              The day I met them I was insanely nervous, had no idea what to expect and went through every scenario I could think of. Within 10 minutes of meeting them they wanted to know why they hadn't met me before, should they wait to introduce friends to new friends and would I do magic tricks for them... Emphasis on the magic trick part.

                              I think that people who jump from relationship to relationship quickly shouldn't be introducing their kids to anyone... but, as I discovered, seeing my husband interacting with his children is a MAJOR part of our relationship. To be honest the kids acted like it was any other day (magic part not withstanding!)

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X