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  • #31
    Demand that the arrears in spousal support be reduced by the full amount of all access costs...she moved??

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    • #32
      YOU NEED TO GO TO COURT!! I have never seen a case where the custodial parent pays for all!!!!

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      • #33
        Originally posted by InterprovincialParents View Post
        I have taken the leap to you make decent money, although not great...and the child support would nowhere near negate that.
        $1000 is low for my income. She initially asked for half of that ($500), and for "2 or 3 years." I said that it wasn't nearly enough, especially because she had (well, was supposed to have) the kids. Weird, huh, that I doubled the amount and duration of what she was asking for?

        I recently did this math:

        $1000/month SS, of which I get half back (tax) so I'll call it $500/month net

        If she's imputed at $24K, and I add $12K SS, that's $36K/year for her

        CS on $36K is $537

        So, according to the SA, and if nothing changes, I'm already $37/month in the green.

        AND this is all before Schedule 7, which is truly frightening in my kids' case: Both have othodontics, both have psychological counselling (due to her abuse) to the tune of $130/hour each, and both have expensive prescriptions. Oh, yeah, and the $1000s per year I've been spending on access costs....

        I tried to help her see this, but she's under the influence of an extremely negative family (she comes by it honestly) and a lawyer who wants to drive this into court (understandably, because that's how she feeds her family) - so she's been advised by everyone to cut off contact with me and not listen. I laid out the numbers for her and begged her to seek impartial professional advice from someone other than her family or lawyer but she ignored me.

        So, you see, it's not about me getting money from her: If I give her what she's asking for, I come out ahead - WAY ahead. I don't want that, though. I want her to build a life there so my kids have a Mom to visit (or live with some day) but she's on a road to self-destruction.

        So, yeah, I'll let the lawyer play hardball, but all I want is to make her go away, and to know that she can't dick around any more (ask me some time what she did the day before moving day!!!) because the stress of waiting for her next bonehead move is really (REALLY) getting to me. If I have to break her to make her stop, I will... but I sure as heck don't want to.

        I was happy with status quo, and still would be....

        Whew: Thanks for letting me rant!

        Cheers!

        Gary

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        • #34
          Glad to help...sometimes just venting is enough to get us thinking clearly

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          • #35
            PS...you can never make her go away...but you would have a case for supervised access if the kids are already seeing a specialist over the crap...and beware the negativity of her family...it should not be shown or demonstrated in the presence of your kids, even if they are old enough to come to their own conclusion...I would worry about access in that environment.

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            • #36
              Originally posted by InterprovincialParents View Post
              Demand that the arrears in spousal support be reduced by the full amount of all access costs...she moved??
              Yes, she moved.

              What happened was that she tried 3 times to "take the kids away" ...

              1) She tried the alienation route and went at it HARD. This is documented, by the way, but likely not admissible: It was admitted to social workers in a confidential environment. She told the kids that "Daddy is leaving YOU because he wants to replace you with someone else's kids" and "Daddy doesn't love you" and "you can't tell Daddy about anything I say because he will use it against YOU in court" and all manner of like garbage. For 2 years I took it all and refused to say anything to the kids other than "Mom loves you and she's very upset. She doesn't mean those things. Of COURSE I love you more than anything else in the universe." I repeated this over and over for two years in the knowledge (it seemed like a faint hope more ofen than not) that the kids would eventually see it for what it was. They did.

              2) She filed for divorce (before I could) and asked for everything, including house, kids, etc., and permission to leave the province. This, obviously, failed. Ended up with 3rd Agreement that allowed her to leave with kid(s) if she got a full time job and a house.

              3) Right at the end of the school year 2009 she announced to the kids that they were moving to SK. She told the kids that they didn't need Dad's permission because they were old enough to make up their own minds. They said "Oh, really? We can decide? Mom, we've had enough and are going to live with Dad" (see #1, above)... Talk about a backfire, huh? Her parents had bought her a house in SK, her family was on the way out to Trenton to help her load up the moving van, and she was stuck. She rolled the dice and came up snake-eyes. But it was too late to back out of the move, I guess, so she went. Emptied my house and went.

              I picked up the kids on 23 or 26 June, and she left town on, I think, the 29th.

              Dumbass that I am, I offered to buy her a house here in Ottawa if she would move here to be with the kids... She, of course, refused.

              Cheers!

              Gary

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              • #37
                You really need to stop enabling her to abuse you and your generosity. The kids have already seen the light. You need to too.

                I would not giver her anything. I would get all equalization payments recalculated. If she got a good golden parachute from sears, then that should have been off set from any of your pension.

                She has made all the problems, and needs to be held accountable.

                Comment


                • #38
                  OK, I finally sent the email; I waited longer than I wanted but she promised to contact me this weekend and, not surprisingly, failed to do so and now says she's going out of town for a couple of days. Here's (a slightly sanitized (names and numbers) version of) what I just sent to her, CCd to my lawyers and her lawyer:

                  That's too bad, as what I had to say was very important. I asked you to call me yesterday and you declined. I just tried you at home and there was no answer. Unfortunately, I can not wait a couple of more days.

                  From the beginning, I strived to keep our separation, divorce, and parenting cooperative and out of court but your recent actions have made that impossible. The kids need stability and certainty and I have now been backed into a corner. The kids also deserve to have us spend our money on them and not on endless and expensive legal proceedings, but you appear to be determined to drive this into court.

                  Therefore, I have retained the services of two Family Lawyers to assist me with this matter.

                  I have also contacted the FRO and Pension Board and both have frozen their files pending resolution of the forthcoming Motions regarding Spousal Support, Child Support, Custody, Access, equalization of property, your income, and pension division:


                  - FRO has placed a "code 4" on your file and will not release any money to you, nor take any action against me, pending resolution of the court case.

                  - Pension division will not take place, pending resolution of the court case.

                  These motions are related to a Change of Circumstance, namely that the Agreement was drafted and signed with the intention that you would be the Primary Parent of one or both children. This was never, nor is it now, the case and so the Agreement must be varied.

                  If you wish to settle this amicably without applying to the courts for direction and/or resolution, I shall require an email from you, CCd to your lawyer and mine, stating as much that contains the following:


                  1) A promise to voluntarily and immediately withdraw from FRO enforcement of spousal support (I can provide you with the necessary paperwork if required);

                  2) A promise to not seek any form of Support for as long as both children are living with me; and

                  3) A promise to revise your request for division of my pension to an amount of $XXX,000, as we agreed.

                  As you can see, all I am asking for is status-quo and what we agreed to. Failure to agree to these three conditions will leave me no choice but to proceed , most reluctantly, via Family Court. Should you wish to call and discuss any of these items, please do: I will do my best to explain my rationale.


                  I have an appointment with my lawyers on Tuesday morning and so need to hear from you by 23:59 on Monday night. If I have not received a reply I will have no choice but to authorize them to proceed with the Motions.

                  Interjurisdictional proceedings are very lengthy (years) and very expensive. Once again, and for a last time, I ask you to contact me*** in order to resolve this as responsible adults and loving parents should.

                  Gary

                  *** (H) 613-435-XXXX (C) 613-222-XXXX (W) 613-945-XXXX

                  Thanks for the extremely helpful advice, everyone, and I hope I didn't step on my dick. It's too late if I did, though...

                  Cheers!

                  Gary

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Well, I, for one, would be curious to see if she responds at all...she is not required to do so, and if she does not, document it.

                    Because the children live with you, the interjurisdictional matter is an easy one, since the custody, access, and child/spousal support can all be heard in the Superior Court here in Ontario, rather the Queen's Bench in the other province...more likely that not, you will get a provisional order in a shorter timeframe, which will then be sent to the other province to be affirmed without change.

                    Good Luck!

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Originally posted by InterprovincialParents View Post
                      Good Luck!
                      Thanks: I'll need it.

                      I urged her (again) to seek professional, impartial advice - we'll see what happens.

                      The measures my lawyer is talking about are pretty scary and, lemmee tell ya, would make me eager to play ball if they were served on me.

                      Cheers!

                      Gary

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        I think since you have the kids, and have had them for some time, and they are in school here, she really has few options.

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                        • #42
                          Something really cool I learned on Friday at the lawyer's office: Family Court likes to sit wherever it is that the kids reside, if they've been there for a year or more. Mine have been here for 15 months now.

                          This means that I don't have to travel the 3 hours (6 hours round-trip) to Belleville for appearances, and that her lawyer does have to travel here to Ottawa.

                          At $200/hour, her lawyer will be racking up ~$1200/day in traveling expenses alone - yikes. I got 5 bucks that says her lawyer withdraws from the case because there's no way my ex's family is going to continue to bankroll this foolishness at that rate.

                          Stranger things have happened, though, I guess.

                          Cheers!

                          Gary

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            UPDATE, and request advice on next move

                            Well, Brothers and Sisters, you could have knocked me over with a feather last night when I got an email from my ex. I didn't dream that she'd respond, based on her history.

                            There was some noise about who's at fault, who's being unreasonable, etc., but the meat of the matter is that she "authorized her lawyer to contact me in an effort to update the Agreement."

                            There was a thinly veiled threat that she's asking for increased SS and an admonishment that this was now "my fault" if it goes to court. Anyway, like I said, that's all just noise.

                            This morning I received a letter from her lawyer's LA, the substance of which was that they have been retained for the purposes of "... negotiating an amendment to the Separation Agreement..."

                            I replied to the LA, thanked her for establishing contact, and advised that I would seek counsel from my counsel and then reply to them as soon as possible regarding how we wish to proceed.

                            I forwarded the letter to my lawyers along with my thoughts that I would still retain their services.

                            So, here's a summary:

                            - SA says she gets kids, CS, SS

                            - I have had the kids with me 100% and she's been living in another province since BEFORE the SA came into effect

                            - Nobody asked for support for over a year, things were OK

                            - She's now asked for SS and arrears, and filed with FRO

                            - I met with lawyer, froze FRO and Pension payment, and planned a Motion to Vary

                            - I sent an email (posted earlier in this thread) advising of item above and suggesting settlement between us

                            - She retained counsel, has requested an amendment to the SA

                            - Her counsel has contacted me and asked for the name of my lawyer in order to begin negotiations

                            I think that's pretty much it, boiled down to the bare facts.

                            So, what do I do?

                            ... let my lawyer negotiate?

                            ... state that I will negotiate for myself (at least in the beginning)?

                            ... ignore their letter and proceed with Motion to Vary?

                            ... something else?

                            My sole goal is to "make the Bad Lady" stop and be able to wake up in the morning without a knot in my gut and wondering what she's gonna do next. I don't want her money and I don't want to interfere in any way, shape, or form in her relationship with the kids (although, I do want to continue to help rebuilt it, which is, I guess, interfering).

                            Whadaya say, friends?

                            Thanks,

                            Cheers!

                            Gary

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Your best bet is probably to get your lawyer involved. Be firm with them and set appropriate expectations on outcome. (Don't allow them to fall into the "send letters until the cows come home" trap)

                              Sit down with your lawyer, put together an offer to settle outlining what it is that needs to be done, and then send it to her side WITH a time frame attached. If the time frame passes without return communication, have your lawyer immediately proceed on the motion to vary.

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                              • #45
                                That's my one fear, NB: Eating up my entire retainer sending endless letters and FAXes before anything is really worked on.

                                Every dime I spend on my lawyer is a dime extremely well spent, but it's also a dime that my kids will never see.

                                It occurs to me that I can do a lot of the leg-work myself and let the lawyers handle the scary stuff. Then again, I was told today by an educated coworker that spending $5K now could save more in the long run.

                                I saved up $16,000 to pay for my son's braces and oral surgery and I'd hate to see that all disappear into someone else's kid's mouth (grin)

                                Cheers!

                                Gary

                                Comment

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