Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Financial Issues

Financial Issues This forum is for discussing any of the financial issues involved in your divorce.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #11  
Old 08-04-2015, 12:40 PM
nomad nomad is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 73
nomad is on a distinguished road
Default

in my case I have an autistic son and I pay $200, extra a month for the very same things you listed , my ex is under employed and she was able to get that added to the support order , how ever she is giving my son marijuana capsules that she is making at home so things are before the courts cause there is no way in hell that counts as a suppliment
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-04-2015, 12:47 PM
Maggie82's Avatar
Maggie82 Maggie82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 183
Maggie82 is on a distinguished road
Default

Thank you for your replies, Rockscan and Stripes. You are both right. There is no convincing Mom that Dad is ever right. It is time to stop responding. It's just heartbreaking to see the Dad-bashing that ensues every time Dad stands his ground and doesn't let himself be used as Mom's personal ATM. Dad pays support as per the Guidelines and adjusts accordingly every year. He also pays for half of 6 extracurricular activities and 2 camps per year, as well as for half his son's monthly cell phone bill. Not only that, he provides all the necessities (including clothing - which is a battle Dad stopped fighting years ago) in his home for the every-other-weekends that his son is with him. Yet every time Mom demands money and Dad says no, Mom belittles him and goes on and on about how he doesn't care for his son or have his son's health and best interest at heart, and how he only wants to "weasel" his way out of paying for his son's necessities, etc. You'd think we'd be used to it after 12 years but it still cuts deep. As I'm sure many of you can relate.

Last edited by Maggie82; 08-04-2015 at 12:49 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-04-2015, 12:56 PM
Maggie82's Avatar
Maggie82 Maggie82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 183
Maggie82 is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nomad View Post
in my case I have an autistic son and I pay $200, extra a month for the very same things you listed , my ex is under employed and she was able to get that added to the support order , how ever she is giving my son marijuana capsules that she is making at home so things are before the courts cause there is no way in hell that counts as a supplement
That's interesting. Do you think it was her underemployment or you're son's condition that caused the judge to view basic supplements (multivitamins, probiotics, fish oils) as an extraordinary expense? From what I've read and the info I've received here, it seems that health supplements and non-prescription medication is typically not considered special and extraordinary unless mutually agreed upon by the parties.

I wish you all the best in court.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-04-2015, 01:01 PM
nomad nomad is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 73
nomad is on a distinguished road
Default

I think it was both , I want my child to have what he needs and the judge could see she was just wasting time and she had asked for $400.00 orginally but I gave the judge a text from her demanding 400 a month for spousal support that wasn't granted to her so she listed 400 for suppliments and he split it to 200 each , she could produce recipts so basically he split it and got us out of his court room cause she just wastes everyones time
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 08-04-2015, 01:11 PM
stripes stripes is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,838
stripes is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maggie82 View Post
Thank you for your replies, Rockscan and Stripes. You are both right. There is no convincing Mom that Dad is ever right. It is time to stop responding. It's just heartbreaking to see the Dad-bashing that ensues every time Dad stands his ground and doesn't let himself be used as Mom's personal ATM. Dad pays support as per the Guidelines and adjusts accordingly every year. He also pays for half of 6 extracurricular activities and 2 camps per year, as well as for half his son's monthly cell phone bill. Not only that, he provides all the necessities (including clothing - which is a battle Dad stopped fighting years ago) in his home for the every-other-weekends that his son is with him. Yet every time Mom demands money and Dad says no, Mom belittles him and goes on and on about how he doesn't care for his son or have his son's health and best interest at heart, and how he only wants to "weasel" his way out of paying for his son's necessities, etc. You'd think we'd be used to it after 12 years but it still cuts deep. As I'm sure many of you can relate.
If it's still cutting this deep after 12 years, may I suggest that Dad seek some professional help from a counselor (by himself, individually)? Dad may be able to learn new ways to detach from the emotions that Mom evokes, and to enable the people around him to detach as well. It sounds like Dad know what to do - when Mom makes unreasonable requests - just say no - but the part that comes next, putting Mom's issues down and walking away from them, is not working so well for him. Twelve years is too long, and makes me think that this dynamic may have become a routine - Mom wants something, Dad says no, Mom gets mad, Dad reacts by feeling sad. He may need help breaking this emotional habit.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-04-2015, 01:38 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5,401
rockscan will become famous soon enoughrockscan will become famous soon enough
Default Multivitamins & Supplements - Special & Extraordinary?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maggie82 View Post
You'd think we'd be used to it after 12 years but it still cuts deep. As I'm sure many of you can relate.

Im with stripeson this one. 12 years is a long time. Your husband needs to see someone for two reasons: first to learn how to disengage and walk away and second on how to manage the relationship with his child. Im not sure how old but divorced parents walk a fine line between being ATMs and a parent. Its not unreasonable for dad to say no and if kid says anything he just responds with "im sorry your mother felt it was appropriate to discuss this with you. This is between the two of us and I dont want you to be in the middle."

My partner attended therapy on how to deal with his kids and the money and the bad mouthing. His therapist stressed the need to set boundaries, stand firm on those boundaries and disengage after. Its not easy. I think once dad starts disengaging he will notice the stress will reduce because it ends the back and forth.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-04-2015, 02:59 PM
Maggie82's Avatar
Maggie82 Maggie82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 183
Maggie82 is on a distinguished road
Default

Stripes, Rockscan... Dad did go see a counsellor originally. It was ordered by the judge. Basically Dad was instructed to disengage and not let Mom's vile words to get to him. Mom was also ordered to get counselling to help her with her anger and jealousy and negativity toward Dad. As far as we know, she never went. Because Mom and Dad were never together, there is no emotional connection. Just the regular kick in the teeth when Dad stands his ground. Dad thinks it's so Mom feels better about herself as a parent, because she's "standing up for her child" or whatever. Dad is pretty good at not letting it get to him but it's frustrating seeing such untruths spoken and written about Dad, who's doing the best he can given the circumstances. Especially when Mom threatens to show their child these emails (of Dad saying no to things). The child is 12 so he is old enough to understand... and unfortunately believes everything Mom tells him. Which is another battle altogether.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-04-2015, 03:03 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5,401
rockscan will become famous soon enoughrockscan will become famous soon enough
Default

I finished this really good book the other night called Divorce Poison. Lots of tips and tricks for these situations. How receptive would kid be about counseling with dad? Then they can separate the issues together and understand boundaries.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 08-04-2015, 03:21 PM
Maggie82's Avatar
Maggie82 Maggie82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 183
Maggie82 is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
I finished this really good book the other night called Divorce Poison. Lots of tips and tricks for these situations. How receptive would kid be about counseling with dad? Then they can separate the issues together and understand boundaries.
We have that book on our bookshelf somewhere!

Counselling - *sigh* - we have forever tried to get the child to see a counsellor. With parents and without. Mom won't go for it. And because it's joint custody, the counsellor requires consent from both parents. The only time we were successful win getting the child some counselling was when Mom met a man overseas on vacation, married him, and brought him here to live with her and the child. It wasn't a good time in the kid's life and he was very distraught about it. Dad offered to take over physical custody until Mom got her new life in order, but Mom refused. The best we could do was convince her to allow the child to see a counsellor. He only went 3 times before Mom deemed that everything was fine and stopped the sessions. Sadly, the older the child gets, the more issues are beginning to surface. He is a classic case of Oedipus Complex and it is becoming very evident. Especially now that he is in competition with Mom's husband. Unfortunately, Mom feels that they "just have a very close and loving relationship" that Dad is jealous of and wants to ruin. But that is a whole other battle entirely.

Dad has tried to have sincere chats with his son to reassure him that he loves him and would do anything for him... but those chats get back to Mom (in a classic case of broken telephone as the kid needs to spin things in Mom's favour in order to get her approval) and then Dad hears from Mom about his "brainwashing" and "lies" and what not.

As much as, as parents, we want to fight all the battles and stand up for our children, in certain situations, it's just easier to pick your battles and let certain things roll off your back the best you can.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 08-04-2015, 04:15 PM
stripes stripes is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,838
stripes is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maggie82 View Post
Stripes, Rockscan... Dad did go see a counsellor originally. It was ordered by the judge. Basically Dad was instructed to disengage and not let Mom's vile words to get to him. Mom was also ordered to get counselling to help her with her anger and jealousy and negativity toward Dad. As far as we know, she never went. Because Mom and Dad were never together, there is no emotional connection. Just the regular kick in the teeth when Dad stands his ground. Dad thinks it's so Mom feels better about herself as a parent, because she's "standing up for her child" or whatever. Dad is pretty good at not letting it get to him but it's frustrating seeing such untruths spoken and written about Dad, who's doing the best he can given the circumstances. Especially when Mom threatens to show their child these emails (of Dad saying no to things). The child is 12 so he is old enough to understand... and unfortunately believes everything Mom tells him. Which is another battle altogether.
Well, yes there is an emotional connection. If Dad is so angry and frustrated and so forth at Mom after twelve years, he's connected to her. Anger is an emotion. He can't change the way Mom behaves, but he can learn skills to change his response and distance himself (for instance, offering to take Kid full-time when Mom re-married might not have been a good idea). This sounds like a classic enmeshment scenario, in which Mom, Dad, Dad's new partner (which I assume is you), and possibly Mom's new partner as well are all caught up in ongoing dramas around parenting for more than a decade.

Sometimes it's hard to see one's own enmeshment because the emotional logic is so persuasive - Mom is terrible! She's brainwashing the child! She's verbally aggressive to Dad! Of course I'm angry! - but unless you and Dad want to spend the next decade like this, you need to learn how to keep Mom is her proper place, as something that needs to be dealt with from time to time (think of an unreliable car, perhaps), not as someone who has the power to get you worked up.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Eyeglasses - Extraordinary or Special Expense? #1StepMom Financial Issues 22 08-29-2013 01:46 PM
Extraordinary and special expenses - braces SMP Financial Issues 9 11-03-2010 07:22 PM
Extraordinary Expenses - Again About_Time Divorce & Family Law 3 06-28-2010 03:07 PM
Extraordinary expenses Neetz Financial Issues 19 06-17-2010 03:15 PM
Question on special expenses for Child Support Jade Financial Issues 3 01-16-2007 10:03 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:08 PM.