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  • Alarming Phone Conversations

    My ex has decided not to visit his kids but still speaks to them on the phone. This contact is sporadic at best. At times, he'll call several times per week. At others, weeks will pass without a word -- despite the kids leaving him voicemails where he's staying at his sister's. And when he does call, he almost always only speaks to DD8 and makes no effort to talk to DD5 who's not a big phone gal.

    I have tried my best to nail down a regular calling schedule so I can ensure they are not distracted and can focus on chatting with dad. He refuses, feeling he has the right to call whenever and keep them on the phone for as long as he sees fit, regardless of what's going on.

    On more than one occassion his attitude has caused much grief. Some examples:
    - he calls just as I'm serving a special Sunday dinner, earlier than usual, but I wanted to eat and bathe the kids so they got a good night's sleep. I told the ex dinner was being plated but figured he'd have a brief chat and then let DD8 eat. Nope. DD5 and I were totally done before DD8 came to the table. Every time I picked up the extension asking her to come eat, the ex was screaming that I had no right to intrude on their conversations etc...
    -we were on our way out to brunch and sledding with my friend and his 3 kids + my 2 galz when the ex called. The kids were literaly putting on their outdoor gear and I would've let the machine answer. But the eldest saw it was her dad so answered. Despite telling him her great plans for the afternoon and saying she was hungry, it was over an hour later when I finally ended the conversation in a not too nice way.
    - he has revealed disturbing and personal details from my own childhood to my DD8, things she shouldn't even have to know about at her tender age.
    - he cries almost every time they speak, telling them he'd rather die than live like this, leaving the kids feeling sorry for him.
    - he'll keep them on the phone well past bedtime, and whenever this happens the following morning it's sheer torture to get them on their school bus.

    Whenever I intervene, I get greif from both the ex and my DD8.
    I do my best to mitigate this damage, reassuring the kids nothing is their fault. But I bear the brunt of the eldest's acting out.

    I have taped several conversations, which he knew about, and he still said alarming things. He's now told DD8 how to stop the recording device and so she does.

    Is there anything I can do to stop these harmful conversations? I doubt it, given it's hard to even prevent in person contact, but fig'd it was worth asking.

    Thanks!

  • #2
    mom22galz

    We have personally been advised by legal council to tape "ALL" conversations with the ex wife either while she is speaking to the daughter while she is visiting with us, or if she is speaking to us personally.

    We have done so, and some 5years later we are glad we did. For now she has now brought before the a great deal which she claims was said during telephone conversations. (NB: we are dealing with PAS so we are in a situation that is very delicate). We have the tapes and can without a doubt prove no such things happened or were said, and that the opposite is true of the things she has said and done. We were also advised to keep a diary, in which we document all times, dates, and events relating to the visits and contact with the child and her mother. Our memories are not always good at remembering the details months after the fact, so a diary is a great reference, and has been allowed on occasion in court proceedings.

    I would certainly use the taped conversations as documentation to have the calls some how restricted through an order if they are that damaging.

    Comment


    • #3
      mom22galz,

      Send a formal letter requesting that the phone calls occur at a certain time so it is not disrupting your household. If your ex ignores the request change your phone number to unlisted and inform him that you will have the children call him at a specified time and instruct him to be available.

      lv

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      • #4
        Whoa - that sounds harsh, LV!

        I like the letter concept for a paper trail, as others on the forums have been advised. But changing the number?? Isn't that PAS??? He claims that he can't commit to a regular calling schedule because of work demands -- he never knows when he might be working, and must be available at a moment's notice. He's currently a p/t stock boy at a grocery store, btw.

        Remember, I've been taking a "don't rock the boat" attitude. He already has a domestic violence assault charge related to me. I don't want to do anything to push him over the proverbial edge -- on which he's been perching for almost a year now IMHO.

        This is why I've waited for de facto custody to become established rather than seeking sole custody, ex parte. This is why I was so afraid to involve the authorities to remove him from the family home while he was still there. This is why I haven't persued additional charges (B&E, property damage, criminal harassment...). Stats show that the vast majority of "domestic homicides" occur when the abuser is released on bail from a chage related to the victim. Not to mention parental abductions.

        I haven't even considered formally seeking CS. Any time I've mentioned it, I'm met with the threat of his seeking SS and persuing an unjust enrichment claim. So I remain broke in the family home for another 18 months till his window of opportunity closes (common-law). I bought the house and it's solely in my name, but if I sell and move to a more modest place, I'll have disposable income which I currently do no, and thus the means to pay SS.

        It isn't fun to live like this, but it's better than having him physically present in our home.

        Thanks as always for your insight everyone

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        • #5
          don't let him

          I hope this does not come across as harsh......you are still allowing him to abuse you. The phone calls to the girls could also be abusive.

          I know how hard it is to just stop feeling the way you do. When you are threatened by what he might do, you fail to do what you must do and that is have the best home you can for your girls. I am sure you do have a happy, healthy and safe home now that he is gone. You also need to protect them from his abuse. The phone calls should be stopped.

          I was abused for many years and it took a long time for me to realize I was allowing it to happen to me because I stayed with him.My ex tried the same things your ex is doing. He would call whenever he felt like it and say whatever he felt like saying. I informed him he could call Mon- Fri from 6:30pm - 8:30 pm and Sat - Sun from 9:00am - 8:30pm. I also told him I would be taping all calls. At first he was very angry, but when he realized I was not backing down he followed the rules.

          I believe in the best interest of your girls and what he is doing to them is not in their best interest. They do not benefit from these type of calls.

          The damage he is doing to them will last a life time. You need to protect them the best way you can. Don't be afraid of him.

          Best of luck....Hope I didn't sound to mean....

          Comment


          • #6
            OH please DeniseM, you don't sound mean!! Yours is exactly the type of perspective I need in addition to the legalities. Only those who have gone through it can really appreciate how it affects our decision making process. Even after they are gone the abuse doesn't stop. My eldest seems to have taken up the reigns of his verbal abuse towards me.

            Anyone heard from Grace lately??

            LV tends to offer the legal perspective and his advice was to the point. Not one to mince words, that fountain of info. It was the flat-out changing my phone number that I thought was harsh and could trigger the ex towards vengeance...

            Comment

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