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  • Step fathers inteoduced to your children

    Want to hear from fathers, preferabbly end of week fathers, how you deal with your child coming to you and saying they have a step father or the moms new boyfriend is the childs step father. Truth be told they are not married or common law and therefote hes not a step father. This would be the 4th or 5th father figure I am aware of in the last 3 years.

    I dont know who the person is if they have a criminal record drug or drinking problem. I do know they dont live together and are not married.

    What do you tell your kids? Is this something that could be used against other parent during a custody and access dispute? It is not frowned upon to start dating during a custody and access dispute? I do not have any evidence of this other than what my child has told me. It could very well be that mom is just telling child to deliver these messages to get me going.

    Also how do you deal with the fact that your childs other parent is limiting your access or insulting you by giving a new man more time and likely handing over your support cheques? I also know of single moms dating just to have more money for their legal battle

    Any word of wisdon and advice is appreciated. I would be intefested in your experience. I would also be interested in hearing from moms that were replaced by step moms.

    Perhaps I should start a relationship myself? I have been thinking about it. I know she hates other women hearing my story about her. Not sure if I'd want to date just for that reason. But the intimdate partner would be interested in the story anyhow I am sure.
    Last edited by trinton; 01-08-2017, 02:06 PM.

  • #2
    I cannot imagine how you 'bringing' (how?) this in a custody dispute would help you accomplish anything except looking gossipy, bitter, and resentful.
    I would advise to ignore what your ex is doing and focus and yourself and your own relationship with your kids.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by ele110 View Post
      I cannot imagine how you 'bringing' (how?) this in a custody dispute would help you accomplish anything except looking gossipy, bitter, and resentful.
      I would advise to ignore what your ex is doing and focus and yourself and your own relationship with your kids.


      I agree with this. I don't think you can do anything about who she is dating and how child perceives it. She is free to date and so are you. If you are ready go ahead. If you aren't or see problem with it affecting your kid then don't. You can be the good role model if you feel she isn't. I would not get involved in her personal affairs unless you see an outright negative impact on your child.


      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

      Comment


      • #4
        I have never heard of a woman dating someone simply to add to their war chests so they can continue to litigate their ex's. Sorry but that seems a bit far-fetched to me.

        I can't think of anything more dreary than dating someone who is obsessed with his ex-wife. No I would not find it interesting to hear about his ex at all. In fact it would be a big turn-off for me and there would be no second date. If someone feels the need to talk incessantly about their ex it would be a sign to me that they have not healed from their previous relationship and perhaps should get counselling, a hobby or a dog.

        Some people seem to be able to get over their previous relationships relatively quick and move on with their lives and have meaningful relationships. I don't think there is any hard and fast rule.

        Using another person as a jealousy tool isn't rationale IMO. To do so would be petty and high-school (immature).

        Comment


        • #5
          Trinton your post comes across that you are angry, upset and hurt. Divorce and separation brings out these unpleasant feelings. Especially when children are involved and new partners introduced.

          Your ex may be telling your children that her new boyfriend is their stepfather for any number of reasons including to get back at and hurt you. You don't really need to say too much to the kids, depending on their age. Just reassure them that you are still and will always be their father.
          Dwelling on the fact your ex has a new partner will only keep your mind in a negative place. You might want to reframe your thinking. For example instead of being upset about a new man in your ex's life, be grateful they now have to deal with her instead of you.
          While your ex goes through a laundry list of new partners you can be happy that you're taking the time to heal so that one day you might meet the one lovely lady who might add joy and love back into your life.

          Take a deep breath and be secure in the knowledge that you are your children's one and only father.

          Comment


          • #6
            Trinton you really need to get over a lot of stuff. Who cares what your ex is doing (or who she is doing) as long as your kids are safe? Youre looking for so many ridiculous things to use against her for increasing custody when really it should be about your parenting plan and how your kids will thrive.

            Perhaps it might be time to talk to someone about your hatred for your ex and how it is impacting the focus on your case?

            Comment


            • #7
              #1 Get shared custody

              #2 When things ACTUALLY happen deal with them, support your kids. Seeing parents re partner is apparently difficult for kids as it reconfirms the death of the family.

              #3 Legally, alone the # of guys she bangs is meaningless

              #4 Yes start a relationship yourself

              #5 You have 0 business with your ex-wife, pretend your wife died and there is new person who you have to deal with. I did that, it works spectacularly well.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                ...how you deal with your child coming to you and saying they have a step father or the moms new boyfriend is the childs step father.
                "That is nice. Do you want a chocolate chip cookie?"

                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                This would be the 4th or 5th father figure I am aware of in the last 3 years.
                Who cares?

                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                I dont know who the person is if they have a criminal record drug or drinking problem. I do know they dont live together and are not married.
                Nor do you have the right to know. Your child is with the other parent and surrounded by people who will act in their best interests if there is a problem. (Doctors, teachers, relatives, etc...)

                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                What do you tell kids?
                You acknowledge their statement, be plesant and change the subject. (See above.)

                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                Is this something that could be used against other parent during a custody and access dispute?
                Nope. But, it is a good way to make yourself look like a high conflict freak ball and give the judge more reason to order against you.

                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                It is not frowned upon to start dating during a custody and access dispute?
                Nope. Many judges see this as the parent moving on with their life.

                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                I do not have any evidence of this other than what my child has told me. It could very well be that mom is just telling child to deliver these messages to get me going.
                1. It isn't evidence for anything.
                2. Why should it get you going?

                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                Also how do you deal with the fact that your childs other parent is limiting your access or insulting you by giving a new man more time and likely handing over your support cheques?
                Would it be better if it was a woman? This isn't an "insult of you" it is a fact of life. One you are going to have to live with.

                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                I also know of single moms dating just to have more money for their legal battle.
                And this is relevant because you think this is what is happening? You have no control over this and should move on.

                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                Any word of wisdom and advice is appreciated. I would be intefested in your experience. I would also be interested in hearing from moms that were replaced by step moms.
                1. You are not being REPLACED.
                2. You should stop with this nonsense and focus on your child and not the other parent and what they are doing on THEIR TIME.
                3. You are not being REPLACED.

                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                Perhaps I should start a relationship myself? I have been thinking about it.
                Read your original post a few times over... Do you seriously think you are ready for a new relationship??

                Originally posted by trinton View Post
                I know she hates other women hearing my story about her. Not sure if I'd want to date just for that reason. But the intimdate partner would be interested in the story anyhow I am sure.
                Actually they probably would not be interested in a "story". They may consider the "truth" but, most people don't want to date a bitter person engaged in conflict.

                Good Luck!
                Tayken

                Comment


                • #9
                  Trinton,

                  Let go of the step dad thing, unless you have evidence of neglect, abuse or anything unhealthy.

                  My D5 came to me the other day and said "Daddy...Mommy lies on her couch with Jake a lot. He has a big truck like you. When mommy's car broke down I rode in his truck".

                  I just stomached it .. said "that sounds like fun, I love trucks" and we played Snakes and Ladders. Of course you get that little pit in your stomach that there's another male role model around ... but I have my g/f too.

                  Try not to create unneeded stress. Invest your emotions only when need be and don't worry too much about stuff like that.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                    #1 Get shared custody

                    #2 When things ACTUALLY happen deal with them, support your kids. Seeing parents re partner is apparently difficult for kids as it reconfirms the death of the family.

                    #3 Legally, alone the # of guys she bangs is meaningless

                    #4 Yes start a relationship yourself

                    #5 You have 0 business with your ex-wife, pretend your wife died and there is new person who you have to deal with. I did that, it works spectacularly well.
                    Excellent way to put it, links.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Trinton,

                      Please place your filter "on" when reading most of these posts. Offering you a chocolate chip cookie is a great way to show ones insensitive side....sounds a lot like my abusive ex wife.

                      With 647 posts behind you it sounds like you have been separated for some time. But if I could offer you some advice:

                      1) While it makes logical sense that the person (new male adult) that will be sharing the home of your children should be vetted by the parents, ie you; Its not possible in the current "family law" system. If you don't like the new person, just because of the way they look or speak etc. you would be wasting your time and effort to change anything. However, if there is anything illegal introduced into the household....get police involved ASAP.

                      2) Get out and date! Try online dating or speed dating....its fun. But never marry again; and never live with anyone who makes a considerable less amount of money than you. Get a cohab agreement and get snipped; to protect yourself from "Dead Beat Moms".

                      3) I have dated one women now for some time....she has kids and I have kids. She refuses to collect CS from the dad, as she says she is a true independent woman who can take care of herself. (That is such a turn on!!!) Never introduce your kids to someone else unless you have some time together (8 plus months). You can never know the other person enough sometimes...last thing you want is to intro your kids to someone who turns out to be a little angry etc... just make sure.....

                      4) Never think of the "guy" living with your kids as the "Step Father". This is a BS term placed on new men by the woman's movement. There are only two parents!!! One Father and one Mother. Unless one of you are dead....there is only one person can earn the father or mother title...and that's you with the father title. There are NO STEP FATHERS!!
                      I tell my kids this all the time. I am their only father!!! The more guys that move through their life holding the father term....the less it means. Hold strong...one father and mother model!!

                      5) Not worth bringing drama into the court....most likely will work against you. We live in a "No Fault" State. Which means even when you are married, you or your wife can have sexual relations with as many or with who ever they want as many times they want. It can not be brought into court as a negative in the separation financially or custody of the kids. Even if this action causes mental pain for the other...... Welcome to Canada! If adultery is legal and supported by law your ex can have sex with as many men as she wishes, right next door to your kids bedroom as they sleep. My ex does....

                      6) Refrain from telling other women about your personal situation....not until you know you can trust someone, which comes with time.

                      7) Join the CAFE group. They support equality in Canada. They also have resources for men. Your not alone. Also look up MGTOW;

                      8) Watch the documentary "The Red Pill". Your not alone....

                      9) Don't vote for Mr. J Truedoe. He just gave my Deadbeat ex wife another reason not to work; with the tax free child benefit money. With the money I give her and the benefit...she makes the same as a $22/hr full time worker; but she sits at home and has kids 50/50. Ahh socialism is great! This is called Socialist income averaging and government has no initiative to change it. Power to the lazy!!!

                      Good luck.....its gets better.. learn from your own and other men's experiences. Think about the kids first. Fight for your self and fight for your kids. When they get older they will realize who was the better parent.

                      FYI: I did a personal survey around my work; I interviewed 15 adults that grew up in a divorced family. Interesting to know: 12 of the 15 have negative feeling toward the parent that received money from the paying parent. It is wrong to force one to pay another. Of the 12, 5 no longer talk with the parent that received money. In the end who wins? No one.

                      Its time for change. Equality....everyone looks after themselves and family before marriage; and after marriage. A dream...lol

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Newfie76 View Post
                        Trinton,

                        Please place your filter "on" when reading most of these posts. Offering you a chocolate chip cookie is a great way to show ones insensitive side....sounds a lot like my abusive ex wife.
                        It was an example of an appropriate response to a child.

                        Perhaps Trinton is not the only one who needs to filter...?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                          It was an example of an appropriate response to a child.

                          Perhaps Trinton is not the only one who needs to filter...?
                          That comment on chocolate chip cookies was sarcasm from the original com-mentor. In no way was that a means to explain what a proper response to a child should be. Show your children some respect...they are not stupid; they know what is going on; dont try to kid yourself and cover up facts with the children. It will backfire in the future.... chocolate chip cookies are a great way to focus your kids to eat during stressful situations though...if that is one's goal.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            If it troubles you that your child is coming to you asking for your opinion about the other parent's sex life then you probably should really consider your response carefully because the way you respond the first time could very well set the stage for future questions.

                            Thankfully I was never in this position (and of course it is easy to poke and prod at things from the outside looking in). But being in the "cheap seats" here I think what I would do would be to establish right away that children can ask the other parent about the things that go on in that parent's house and they can ask you what goes on in your house. No big mystery, merely a stance on privacy and how it is important not to poke your nose in the other parent's business. So.... simply put, a response I would give to a child who is inquiring about mommy's new boyfriend might be "You can ask me anything about things and people in our house and you should ask mommy about things and people in her house." As the children get older you can simply respond that it is none of your business and they should ask the other parent.

                            Children can be genuinely curious but they can also be genuine trouble makers. Playing one parent against the other should be called out if you want any peace in the future. Establish your boundaries and encourage your children to do the same with regards to information about your household.

                            Oh, and this blurb was in response to your comments Newfie 76.
                            Last edited by arabian; 01-15-2017, 10:10 PM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              To me it seems she's telling child to come to me and say all these things in precise adult wording and I just say mommy's an adult, she can make her own choices, and we change the topic and I show her what an awesome person, or better yet, what an awesome dad I am.

                              You guys are right, her mom can tell her she's got other dads all she wants, but truth is, I'm her dad and the only dad she will ever have.


                              Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk
                              Last edited by trinton; 01-16-2017, 09:53 AM.

                              Comment

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