Etiquette?

[worldscollided]

Mom has primary residence and lives in matrimonial home. Dad has EOW and Wed overnight. Dad will not call the house they live in the majority of the time as "Home". He calls it "your mother's house". They have lived in the matrimonial home their entire lives - have never left -it is their home. He refuses to call it that because he believes they have 2 homes. Technically yes, but still think the home they have lived in all their lives in their home. Just trying to figure out the divorce etiqutte on this one. It's amazing how these minor issues can stir up emotions.

Thanks

[wannabehappy1978]

keep it as ...home. by habit....when they are with you...they're going home...but it's your home...and when they are leaving ..they're still going home..but it's moms home. the emotion stir up comes from the adjective...hers...or his..moms..or dads. if it were me...home's just fine. I think it also shows equality and respect..no home is better than the others home...because it's home...kk homey

[standing on the sidelines]

hmm so primary residence is moms house, the other residence should be called then dads house. Poor kids have no place to call their house then. I guess it keeps it more simple and less confusing though when there are two households.

[Tayken]

Mom has primary residence and lives in matrimonial home. Dad has EOW and Wed overnight. Dad will not call the house they live in the majority of the time as "Home". He calls it "your mother's house". They have lived in the matrimonial home their entire lives - have never left -it is their home. He refuses to call it that because he believes they have 2 homes. Technically yes, but still think the home they have lived in all their lives in their home. Just trying to figure out the divorce etiqutte on this one. It's amazing how these minor issues can stir up emotions.

Thanks

Good parents would refer to both homes as the children's "home" in my opinion. They wouldn't parentify the home to being "mommy's" or "daddy's" home.

There isn't anything you can do other than explain to the children yourself that both homes are "their home" and they have a right to live in both homes, enjoy both homes, have fun, be loved, and be children at both homes. That the label that someone puts on the door of the home isn't what matters but, that they are happy, comfortable and enjoy being at both of their homes.

You can use examples if they are too young and don't understand having 'two homes'. Most Canadians know someone who lives in a house and have a cottage. You can basically show that although Family X lives in a house most of the time, they have another home, the cottage and that having two homes is rather normal - even for family's whom's parents live together.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[caranna]

It may be hard for the kids to have an additional home, but sadly this is part of the adjustments the kids will have to make in the divorce process.

Let the kids know that both houses are their homes...that even if Dad (or Mom) don't agree, that one home is "Dad's" and the other is "Mom's".

There is a lot of sentimentality attached to a matrimonial house, but in the end, it is just a structure. A home is where you reside, even if you have more than one home. It's where you are comfortable, or hopefully will be.

If there are arguments about whose house is going to be called "home", the kids will have a lot more to worry about. Let them know they are welcome at both their homes, perhaps call their separate homes "Mom's" and "Dad's" (place). Be sure to emphasize that both places are their homes.

[caranna]

I didn't realize you had also posted Tayken and looks like we agree.

[caranna]

The reason why I "labelled" Mom's" and "Dad's" is for identification purposes. It would be confusing for the kids otherwise..."which home are we going to?"

It would also bring more sense of "Home" to name "Moms" and "Dad's" instead of say "Home #1" or "Home #2", but whatever they choose to call the separate homes, it's their call.

[Janus]

Mom has primary residence and lives in matrimonial home. Dad has EOW and Wed overnight. Dad will not call the house they live in the majority of the time as "Home". He calls it "your mother's house". They have lived in the matrimonial home their entire lives - have never left -it is their home. He refuses to call it that because he believes they have 2 homes. Technically yes, but still think the home they have lived in all their lives in their home. Just trying to figure out the divorce etiqutte on this one. It's amazing how these minor issues can stir up emotions.

Thanks

You think that your home should be home, and that Dad's home should be the place that the kids have to go to because the court says so?

How about using street names?

eg. Dundas home, and Adelaide home.

[dad2bandm]

Your kids have two homes. When they are with Mom...and when they are with Dad.

I run into this situation. Our D4 tells me that she is told she only has 1 home. This is told to her, by Mom and her new bf. I tell our D4 she has two homes.

Sometimes I do "parentify" the homes, in general conversation, just because it identifies the home. ex. "look, we're almost to Mommy's house." "You'll be coming to Daddy's house this weekend". etc. But I stress to D4, when she raises this, that she has two homes, and she's a lucky kid to have this.

[SadAndTired]

You could use "your home at Mom's" and "your home at Dad's".

Or use another descriptor "your brick house" and "your yellow house".

Using your before the description of the house will help the child identify that it is theirs.

[wannabehappy1978]

for this to work you both have to be on the same page or it will...like you said stir up emotions

[SingleDad12]

I picked up a "guide to divorce for kids" book when I was going through the process and also spoke to a counsellor who specialized in children. The book says to spin the concept of two homes in a positive light. In a "perfect" situation, it can be spun that it's exciting to have a bedroom in two different places...and that clothes, toys etc can flow freely between them. It's a huge change for kids when this happens...try to have familiar things from the home they spent their whole lives at in both places is important. Let them bring a stuffed animal they sleep with...have comforters for their bed at both houses that were in the original house. I let my daughter pick the colour to paint her room so she feels involved etc...

[DowntroddenDad]

Mom has primary residence and lives in matrimonial home. Dad has EOW and Wed overnight. Dad will not call the house they live in the majority of the time as "Home". He calls it "your mother's house". They have lived in the matrimonial home their entire lives - have never left -it is their home. He refuses to call it that because he believes they have 2 homes. Technically yes, but still think the home they have lived in all their lives in their home. Just trying to figure out the divorce etiqutte on this one. It's amazing how these minor issues can stir up emotions.

Thanks

The proper etiquette is to not do anything that would cast your ex in a negative light with your kids. That should be paramount. You are making an issue out of use of a word. You chose to get upset about it, you can chose to ignore it and focus on your kids. If they don't care neither should you. If they are confused, you can explain perspective - from your perspective your house is your home, from the father's perspective its not his home.

Be an adult.

[HammerDad]

Good parents would refer to both homes as the children's "home" in my opinion. They wouldn't parentify the home to being "mommy's" or "daddy's" home.

^^^^^ So much this.

It sounds as if the OP is as guilty as her ex by calling her ex's house "dad's house".

IMO, control and ego are involved when it comes to this sort of stuff.

[billm]

To the OP.

You are being selfish and trying to alienate the other parent by competing over which home is the 'real' home. The fact is that the kids have two equal parents and a home with each. Whatever the labels are, they should be practically the same for both.

You want to be the more important parent and your justification for wanting to place more importance on your home vs the other parents home is self centered, petty, and not in the best interests of your kids, or their dad.

Stop it and the other things that you are presumably doing to create an unequal balance between the importance of the parents of your children.

Equal is a simple concept, I strongly suggest you employ it for your children's sake.