Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Protecting trusting relationship with children

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Protecting trusting relationship with children

    Presently have 50/50 with D8 and D11.

    Over the past couple of years, it has become abundantly clear to me that FS (former spouse), not only has little respect for my relationship with our children, but actively works to undermine it.

    "mommy says you're lying"
    "mommy says you chose [new spouse] over your family"
    "mommy says it's all about you and not us"

    Finally, in the spring, among other things, D8 stated repeated that her mother had been encouraging her to just live with her and visit me sometimes, that all she would have to do is tell her doctor (I'm assuming she meant counselor) where she wanted to stay and that she could decide that when she was 12. D11 confirmed this. The next morning I commenced an application to amend our existing order and have the court order a family assessment.

    A few months later my daughters were talking and again asked if they could tell me about something that was bothering them. They started to tell me and, for the first time, I fidgeted with my phone and set it to record. I will not quote for reasons of anonymity, but in short, they stated that their mother would repeatedly, at bedtime, ask them to repeat that she took care of them, and that I didn't.

    Last night, D8 started talking again, and for the second time I recorded part of the statement. This time, she stated that her mother had told her and her and her sister that while they didn't have to make a decision now, that a legal process would not separate the children and that if they were going to decide later on at who's house they wanted to live, they would have to make that decision together. Words used included "judge" "you know, like the law" and "court thing".

    I have never referenced any legal process with our daughters. It is extremely upsetting to me that they are being made to feel as though they have to make these decisions.

    First, the purpose of me requesting the assessment isn't necessarily to have full custody, but rather the belief (or hope) that if a bright light is shining down, the behavior may change to an extent. More concretely, the hope that counseling is suggested for FS. I do not discount the possibility that suggestions regarding custody may be made.

    Overriding, though, is my relationship with my daughters.

    Things may get lost in translation, but on multiple occasions of both daughters being together and seamlessly recounting these conversations, I have little doubt that FS is engaged in parental alienation. The impact that it is having on our daughters is obvious to me. They trust me though, they speak to me and I don't want them to lose that trust. When I first filed my affidavit requesting the family assessment I spoke to D8 and told her that I had let her mommy know about a few of the things she had repeated to me. I felt it necessary but I knew there was a chance that she could think it as being a betrayal of trust.

    Now though, with the behavior escalating, I see little choice but to continue pushing for the assessment. If FS were to ever hear what it was our daughters had repeated to me, they would wear it fully. There is no question in my mind that there would be an incredible amount of fallout if FS came to know that they had not shown loyalty to her.

    I cannot fully articulate my level of concern without referencing these recordings and other conversations had, but I need to balance that with maintaining my daughters trust.

    My question is this: is there a way to make these recordings known to the court to support my motion, and perhaps later to the OCL or other third party assessor, without them being made known to FS to protect my relationship with my daughters and my daughters from potential fallout from their mother.

    I know that was long-winded,

    Thank you,

    Trix

  • #2
    From what I have read on CanLii there is a HUGE negative response from judges to parents who surreptitiously record children.

    I therefore think that it is important that you have children talk to a 3rd party (family physician or counsellor).

    Beware of falling into a trap.... your ex could very well be setting you up here.

    Comment


    • #3
      It has taken me five years to come make the decision to record the vile crap I have been hearing because I see it a betrayal to start. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing and wanted to remove any doubt that I was making up what it was I am saying I heard.

      This whole thing absolutely sucks.

      Comment


      • #4
        Once you have 50/50 access the way to counteract these things is by being such an overwhelmingly better parent that the kids just start thinking the other parent is an idiot, ignore them and then tell them to stfu

        Works great for me.

        Comment


        • #5
          I agree, surreptitiously taping your kids is a bad idea, and if the kids realize that you recorded them without their knowledge and played the recording to a judge or other third party, they'll never trust you again.

          I also agree with other posters that getting a neutral third party such as a counsellor involved is a good idea. If matters do end up in court, that will carry more weight than "he said/she said".

          With respect to the "Mom/Dad says I can decide when I'm 12", I've gotten that from my kid. I told her that I believe Dad was mistaken, kids don't choose where they live, that's a grownup decision. I then sent Dad an email saying that I was concerned Kid might have misunderstood something she heard, she seems to think that she can choose which parent to live with, which I'm sure was not what he intended to convey. That was the end of that.

          Re parental alienation - if your kids are talking to you about their worries, they aren't alienated. Alienation is when they refuse to have anything to do with you. Mom may be a crappy co-parent, but she hasn't alienated the kids.

          Although I wouldn't phrase things quite the same way as Links, I substantially agree with what he said - the most important resource you have is your time with the kids. You can't make Mom change (court-ordered counselling is not likely to happen), but you can provide the best possible environment for the kids when they're with you. From your post, it sounds like you're looking for a way to make Mom change her behaviour with the kids, but you can't control what Mom says or does. Focus on being the best parent you can, that will be the best protection for the kids from Mom's nonsense.

          Comment


          • #6
            I've erased both recordings. I feel relief having done so, though there is a sense of lingering guilt of having done so and, equally for not having remained focused on trusting the relationship I have with my daughters. Thank you for helping me to regain that focus.

            I am unsure as to whether or not I will continue to pursue the familly assessment, for the first time FS has agreed to having counselling for our daughters in our agreement. It was a part of the motion I thought she would fight as she has twice withdrawn her consent. With that in place, and with the very supportive extended family they have on both sides, they will be great I'm sure.

            As an aside, the I recieved an anonymous package at my place of work this past week. The postage alone cost the sender $10 and the book inside another $30. Accompanied by a note which simply stated that the read may be of some use, was a book on surviving poisoned divorce and avoiding parental alienation. No return address and no information as to the sender. Friend, family or otherwise, there are some very good people in this world.

            Trix

            Comment

            Our Divorce Forums
            Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
            Working...
            X