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  • Observations

    I am truly not trying to be antagonistic. Having said that there are a few observations I have noticed the last while reading posts, and I am curious, is it my preception or am I reading into something that doesn't exist.

    1. Payors of CS or SS seem to have bad luck with employment and incomes seem to be reduced on a pretty consistent basis. I have yet to read a post where an income has increased and CS or SS has been effected.


    2. Very few Step-Dads are posing questions on behalf of his new partner or seem to have issues with the Bio-Dad where it seems Step-Moms seem to be doing a lot of investigating on behalf of their new partner and have many issues with the Bio-Mom.

    3. The word OUR or WE when referring to the lawyer or situation as in, "We went to court, and "we told our lawyer" when in reality isn't the divorce between the man and his x? Isn't the we the divorcing people?

    My x has a new partner and I also have a new partner and although I am sure, "she" has what to say about my SS, "she" was not part of WE, when We went to arbitration. When We went to arbitration the We was my x and I, and more so my new partner is an amazing man who is loving and supportive and not part of the We in the divorce but very much part of We as in a couple, embracing and living life together.
    Although my divorce was and is an ugly one, I am very grateful that she is not a part of any of it. What my x and his partner discuss or decide is their business but she did not show up for Case Conference nor arbitration.
    My lawyer's Legal Clerk did tell me that the 2nd partners usually have a very difficult time with the 1st wife and are very resentful ( especially when their is a large SS order) and many of my lawyer's cases are 2nd divorces because of this.
    It sorta makes me giggle to think, what a win win for me. I get the $$ and SHE gets him to be her new WE.
    Warning: How he treats her, the x, is exactly how is going to treat you and be prepared for his new partner treating you and viewing you as you view her!! The best prediction of your future is viewing his past.
    Last edited by momforever1956; 01-30-2014, 12:52 AM.

  • #2
    1. Payors of CS or SS seem to have bad luck with employment and incomes seem to be reduced on a pretty consistent basis. I have yet to read a post where an income has increased and CS or SS has been effected.
    We continue to pay more as income increases. What is noteworthy, is we pay full guideline amount plus many, many extras despite having the children 46-49 percent of the time. Yes, this was "on consent" but it was also recommended by the judge. So in essence, the judge was saying this is what would be decided by another judge for whatever silly reason.


    2. Very few Step-Dads are posing questions on behalf of his new partner or seem to have issues with the Bio-Dad where it seems Step-Moms seem to be doing a lot of investigating on behalf of their new partner and have many issues with the Bio-Mom.
    I'm not sure if this can be verified. Anyone can omit certain text to make you believe they are someone they are not. Perhaps the step-dad's are better at concealing their identity. Of course, I also acknowledge that more females tend to have issues with other females than the men on this forum do men.

    3. The word OUR or WE when referring to the lawyer or situation as in, "We went to court, and "we told our lawyer" when in reality isn't the divorce between the man and his x? Isn't the we the divorcing people?
    I have been boggled by this whole issue myself. There are several "We's" in a divorced family: the original spouses, the new spouses, the children and their bio parents, the children and their step parents, the children and their new siblings...

    Yes the original spouses are divorcing/divorced/or going through issues that stemmed from the divorce. But there is a real and valid "we" with the new spouses to. And the proper and appropriate balance for the new spouses (we) is determined by those two people. They will decide what is best and healthy for themselves. I'm certain that what is going with the original spouses will help the new spouses decide but there isn't a blanket solution that dictates the new spouse shouldn't be present, involved, do research....be invisible. That may work for some, but not for all. To each their own.

    I have to wonder when people get so caught up with "what the girlfriend or new wife did" how it detracts from their life and skews what real and potentially solvable issues are at hand. I recall once being very upset at receiving an email from bio-mom stating I was forbidden to do homework with her kids. There was no logic in this restriction given I am educated and speak the language fluently that the homework was in... that I help all the kids with their homework at home... and I recall mentioning this to a girlfriend. My girlfriend said "it would bother me if you helped my son with his homework if I were divorced from their father" and the thing is, it shouldn't. It shouldn't bother you any more than if the teacher was helping with this homework. And it donned on me: Many people don't think the new family is a real family. And the new family is less entitled. I think this is where many problems stem from.

    What else I have noticed on this site as that many people have inferred or come out and said that a man who has his new partner doing anything for or with him has a lack of b*lls. I have little respect for these types of comments and find them to be very derogatory. I can't find any value in them either. Maybe he does have small or misshapen b*lls lol. It really means nothing as far as the divorce is concerned. It is an attempt to emasculate a man when I suspect many don't need to be helped in that area. A divorce can often emasculate many men. I suspect the higher income earners a little more so than others.
    Last edited by Serene; 01-30-2014, 07:59 AM. Reason: grammar!

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    • #3
      Originally posted by momforever1956 View Post
      Very few Step-Dads are posing questions on behalf of his new partner or seem to have issues with the Bio-Dad
      I'm happy to be a statistical anomaly here

      Comment


      • #4
        2. My ex's "reported" income increased for 2 consecutive yrs and SS increased for those 2 years. It always comes down to the individual SS agreement. Some agreements do not take either the payor or payee's income into consideration for annual calculation and other SS agreements have an annual calculation as part of the agreement.

        3. I try to specify "My ex and and I" or "my lawyer and I" simply to clarify to whom I am referring. I think for all intents and purposes of posting, it is helpful if people clarify as today's typical family seems to have many ex's and it can become quite confusing at times for the reader.


        My ex definitely lacks sound judgement when it comes to dealing with his legal matters. When we [my ex and I] are really old I will tell him of the serious mistakes his g/f made on his behalf. If I were to reveal that to him now it would most certainly have a negative impact on his relationship with her. I have often told him to quit listening to advise from the g/f and family but he persists. One time, when ex was self-represented, I watched him drown in court while a judge asked him questions. He was unable to answer questions about his own affidavit. The judge had forbidden his g/f from sitting beside him. So my personal experiences have been that one is much better to prepare their own documents. Of course it goes without saying that getting help is important. However, you never know when the judge will ask someone a direct question - even if you have legal counsel sitting right beside you. I have observed this happen on numerous occasions.

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        • #5
          1. Payors of CS or SS seem to have bad luck with employment and incomes seem to be reduced on a pretty consistent basis. I have yet to read a post where an income has increased and CS or SS has been effected.
          I would imagine that you hear more about one than the other is because if you're a payor, having your income reduced and not being able to afford CS/SS is scary...so they're probably trying to find the quickest way to have their order changed with help from the forum. If your income increases, you're in less of a hurry to get the order changed.

          2. Very few Step-Dads are posing questions on behalf of his new partner or seem to have issues with the Bio-Dad where it seems Step-Moms seem to be doing a lot of investigating on behalf of their new partner and have many issues with the Bio-Mom.
          There's a few drama-laden, HC men on the forum interfering in their ex's divorce too. But its true that there's less of this.

          3. The word OUR or WE when referring to the lawyer or situation as in, "We went to court, and "we told our lawyer" when in reality isn't the divorce between the man and his x? Isn't the we the divorcing people?
          Yes...true but some people don't understand their boundaries and inflict themselves due to control issues and insecurity about their new relationships. I find it amusing when people that disrupt someone else's divorce are surprised when they have conflict with the ex though. Conflict is what happens when you disrespect someone and don't know your place.

          My lawyer's Legal Clerk did tell me that the 2nd partners usually have a very difficult time with the 1st wife and are very resentful ( especially when their is a large SS order) and many of my lawyer's cases are 2nd divorces because of this.
          Wouldn't apply to me. My new partner pays a significant amount of SS to his ex wife and he believes that she's entitled to it for raising their children. As for my opinion, its none of my business. Today they have a cordial relationship...and when I see his ex-wife at family events, she's always very kind to me and my children.

          Comment


          • #6
            He was unable to answer questions about his own affidavit. The judge had forbidden his g/f from sitting beside him.
            When I first started my divorce, I sat in court a few times to watch motions. On two occasions, I saw a judge scold litigants for bringing their new partners to court (one female, one male). The male was the funniest one because he brought his new mail order, soon-to-be bride to court and complained that he needed his divorce granted immediately due to her VISA being soon to expire. The judge first told him that she couldn't grant the divorce because he hadn't completed the correct paperwork and then proceeded to take a strip off of him for bringing this woman to court and getting involved in another misguided relationship prior to finishing this last misguided relationship. I don't think she spoke English so probably didn't fully understand what was being said but the audience in the back of the court room had a hard time containing their laughter at a couple points.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by momforever1956 View Post
              It sorta makes me giggle to think, what a win win for me. I get the $$ and SHE gets him to be her new WE.
              Warning: How he treats her, the x, is exactly how is going to treat you and be prepared for his new partner treating you and viewing you as you view her!! The best prediction of your future is viewing his past.
              Thanks for sharing your situation and generalizing.

              In my case, my first wife (now ex), and subsequent ex's (who are now all friends) and current partner of 6 years ALL testified for me at our custody trial. There's a pretty strong hint of where the problem lies. What a mistake I made with HER.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by momforever1956 View Post
                1. Payors of CS or SS seem to have bad luck with employment and incomes seem to be reduced on a pretty consistent basis. I have yet to read a post where an income has increased and CS or SS has been effected.
                Er, that's because they are not using this forum - they don't need it.

                Your statement is like someone going to a hospital and stating that the people there are sicker than the average population.
                Last edited by dinkyface; 01-30-2014, 10:52 AM.

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                • #9
                  I just want to comment that sometimes it is not always the new partner who drags them into the separation or divorce. In our case, it was my partners EX who insisted I be named in their SA. When they were going through the process, neither of them had benefits, I was the only one who had benefits and the children were part of those benefits. I declined consent on 4 separate occasions to being named in the SA, but it was one of the last things to be negotiated before she would sign the agreement. So in essence it was her that dragged me in and basically made me a party, as my name AND signature are part of that agreement due to her insisting on my benefit information being listed and provided. I also ensured that there was a line that stated that when either her or my partner found employment with benefits, their benefits must be used first.

                  When the divorce paperwork is submitted and the SA is attached, my name will then become part of their order. I didn't ask for this, it was his Ex that requested all this information of me.

                  So again, I just want to remind everyone, that it is not always the new partner (male or female) that involves themselves in the separation/divorce, sometimes it is the Ex that drags the new partner in.

                  I can agree that we do often see new partners on here that show soo much resentment for their partners ex that it HAS to rub off on the children, but not everyone is out to one up the ex. Believe it or not, the ex and me actually had a pretty good relationship.

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                  • #10
                    My income has decreased a little because my bonuses have not been very good the past couple of years. I've not asked for a change in CS/SS even though I could. It wouldn't be worth the hassle.

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                    • #11
                      Glad I dont have SS.
                      But.
                      I gave up a solid business to help my ex pursue her dream business.
                      During that time (2 years) she ruined the new business and my old business clients were now gone.

                      Although I am back in my old profession, I have lost 15 years of clients and now in my 50s and am cold calling like I did in my 20s.
                      So yes. My salary is 1/3 of what it was, no benefits, no breaks.

                      Interesting to note that during negotiations my ex insisted I should be able to earn what I did in my best years.
                      The judge agreed with me, because the facts were there to support me and my claims.

                      So like many stories being told on this site there are truly many variants.

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                      • #12
                        My x avoided SS for 8 years. Its caught up to him. And CS too.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by gone_bald View Post
                          My x avoided SS for 8 years. Its caught up to him. And CS too.
                          But, I thought he had the kids?

                          Per your own post:

                          http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...24/#post162972

                          So how has your ex avoided SS and CS?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I track some of these statistics...

                            Originally posted by momforever1956 View Post
                            1. Payors of CS or SS seem to have bad luck with employment and incomes seem to be reduced on a pretty consistent basis. I have yet to read a post where an income has increased and CS or SS has been effected.
                            Well, PH broke that mold just recently but, you are correct the occurrence of such requests have been very low.

                            My theory:

                            Most people coming to this site are unrepresented litigants. So naturally they are not available to afford legal counsel to answer these common questions. So when they do lose employment they often have nowhere else to turn. There is LOA and FLIC but, they are very slow to respond and not all court jurisdictions have these services.

                            Originally posted by momforever1956 View Post
                            2. Very few Step-Dads are posing questions on behalf of his new partner or seem to have issues with the Bio-Dad where it seems Step-Moms seem to be doing a lot of investigating on behalf of their new partner and have many issues with the Bio-Mom.
                            There are some. There was one the other day. Another interesting observation to add to this would be that when the male partners do come for "advice" on behalf of their partner... It tends to be about "increasing SS and CS". Not reducing it or eliminating it because they have taken responsibility...

                            Originally posted by momforever1956 View Post
                            3. The word OUR or WE when referring to the lawyer or situation as in, "We went to court, and "we told our lawyer" when in reality isn't the divorce between the man and his x? Isn't the we the divorcing people?
                            I often lament about how people write about "my children" versus "our children". The courts have become very sensitive to this wording. "My children" in a society that is rapidly moving towards joint custody and equal access will soon be a thing of the past (fingers crossed).

                            A lot of what you are observing as well is related to other factors that we really can't delve into but, I think play a major part your above 3 observations.

                            Emotional maturity; and
                            Level of education

                            Good Luck!
                            Tayken

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Emotional maturity and level of education!! Well put, Tayken.

                              I would like to add that a well developed self worth, confidence and the lack of insecurity also goes a long way.

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