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  • 5 year old witnesses inappropriate behaviour on weekends with dad

    My 5 year old spent this last weekend with her father as per our arrangement. Lastnight when I picked her up she informed me that her dad took her somewhere at night near the water and they met another man in his car and both of them had their windows down and were fighting and screaming and swearing back and forth at one another, then dad zoomed away.

    He's a seriously angry guy. I know he smokes pot too, I suspect he might be selling it again but of course don't know this for sure and cannot prove it.

    What does one do in this situation? I haven't bothered to bring it up to him as he would just deny it and then yell at her for it later. He's often doing and saying inappropriate things and it really messes her up. She actually begins sessions with a child psychologist tomorrow so that we can get a handle on some of the anger she displays after her weekends with him. I know I can't just not send her to him, so is there anything I can do?

  • #2
    Originally posted by court View Post
    My 5 year old spent this last weekend with her father as per our arrangement. Lastnight when I picked her up she informed me that her dad took her somewhere at night near the water and they met another man in his car and both of them had their windows down and were fighting and screaming and swearing back and forth at one another, then dad zoomed away.
    Personal opinion:

    Quite a detailed accounting for any 5 year old child to give to a parent in my opinion of what happened.

    Also, how this got raised by the child to you will come into question. There seems to be a lot of blanks filled in on behalf of the 5 year old.

    Generally, from what I have seen in OCL/Section 30 reports filed with the court... No child in that age range has ever given a mental health practitioner who submitted reports into a public court records have ever taken the child's accounting "verbatim" without identifying that the parent may have influenced or instructed this kind of evidence in the child.

    But, I have only read about 40 OCL/Section 30 reports so it is limited to what I have seen in court records that I have pulled.

    Comment


    • #3
      That is quite a detailed account/version of events coming from a 5 year old. There could be any number of reasons for the exchange he may have had w/this other person. As you are well aware, there's nothing to stop him (on his access time) from going on an evening drive, meeting a 'friend' or acquaintance, or from swearing.

      So he was agreeable to the Child Psychologist sessions? I think the only thing you can do is let the child-psychologist do their job and make observations and determinations about the child's anger issues and emotional well-being.

      Comment


      • #4
        There were times (going back a few years, the child was 8/9 yrs old) when I was less than thrilled with a few things my son came out with (after a weekend with Dad). I see now that perhaps I was over anxious in some respects- but that didn't occur to me at the time. While the ex was often 'inappropriate' in front of Child, the child was not in danger. The biggest danger that appears to have resulted from it all, is that all these years later, S14 thinks dad is an unreliable story teller, among other things. And he's right. He makes very astute observations now, some of them show wisdom beyond his years. Hey, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

        Now if your ex got busted doing a drug deal, with your D5 in tow, well then you'd have a case to make.

        Comment


        • #5
          It is a detailed account, but nothing out of the ordinary from the way she usually acts. I should mention she is 5 but will be 6 in 30 days. I learned not to ask her about her weekends because she just closes up, so I usually wait for her to tell me. Lastnight we were decorating halloween cookies and while I was in the kitchen mixing the icing she just told me this in one long breath.
          She also asks me why he always tells her that her step dad is not really a dad. He just messes with her head and she often comes back confused and angry, hence the child psychologist.

          So he was agreeable to the Child Psychologist sessions?
          No because he thinks Psychiatrists/Psychologists are quacks. He never said he didn't want her going, he just wanted to hear nothing about it. I tried involving him but he has no interest. Crazy right?

          I was thinking the same thing though.....let the child psychologist do her work and see what comes of it I guess....this situation just makes me sad. I hate seeing her scared or confused because of his inappropriate behaviour.

          Comment


          • #6
            Her step dad is not really her dad. Correct. Her step dad is her step dad; a father figure.

            For my child, there is only one mom and only one dad. Nothing will ever change that. New partners can have different titles but mom and dad is reserved for those that share genes.

            Other people decide differently and do differently, that is up to them.

            I only state this because your ex may have the same view as I.

            Comment


            • #7
              It sounds as though the OP's child "knows" who her father is. The OP stated that D5 has asked why he's "always" telling her/reminding her of that.

              Agreed though: a child has one mother and one father. There are ppl who have their child call friends 'uncle/aunt(y)' - I've always found that odd.

              My ex's wife told S8 (at the time) that he should/could refer to her mother as "Grandma." I have to say, I was quick to point out that in actual fact he has a grandmother, alive and well (my mother). Ex's mother went awol years ago, so somewhere out there he has another "grandma" - but it is not his dad's wife's mom

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              • #8
                Originally posted by court View Post
                She also asks me why he always tells her that her step dad is not really a dad. He just messes with her head and she often comes back confused and angry, hence the child psychologist.
                If being told that her biodad is her only real dad messes her up, then you are giving your daughter some very inappropriate messages.

                Stepdad is not Dad, hopefully your daughter is addressing stepdad by his first name. Is she? If your daughter is calling your partner "Dad" then you are looking at years of fights and messed up children in your future.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Agreed, he is her 'step'-dad but she calls him dad and this is at her own request. Nobody forced her to do this. I suppose with her real dad so uninterested in her life for so long she views my husband as her dad as he acts more like a dad. I have never failed to reminder her who her real father is and she knows this and he (real dad) and I have discussed this to no end. What should she call him at home...."step-dad"? She has lived with her step dad longer than her real dad and he is more involved in her life because her other father is more interested in his girlfriend and his car and his drugs. Eitherway, when she goes to his place on weekends she actually calls him "step dad" to her real dad. She is actually that sensitive to his emotions.
                  But he doesn't stop there, he also tells her that her grampa (my own step dad) is not her real grampa. What's next? Is he going to tell her that her new baby sister is only her half sister? It just all seems very abusive to me. To what end? He is only confusing her!

                  I can see how it would be a touchy topic for some. I suppose if I were (hypothetical) not involved in my young sons life and dads new girlfriend was and my son started calling her mom it might upset me, but it would also encourage me to be more involved in my childs life, not berate them and make them feel bad because they don't understand at this young age.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    This is one of those cases where it's just definitions. Assure the child that there are different kinds of labels for her family members, and everybody might not use the exact same one or agree on them, but the important thing is that these people love her, and it's okay for her to love them. I am not sure how you could explain biological vs step to that age though.

                    Maybe since it bothers her biological dad that she's calling your husband "dad" too, you could suggest she find some other name for him, like maybe Papa or something.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by court View Post
                      Agreed, he is her 'step'-dad but she calls him dad and this is at her own request. Nobody forced her to do this.
                      To be clear, we are talking about a 5-year old here, are we not?

                      If your child requested to call you by your first name, would you agree? What steps would you take if you did not agree?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Janus View Post
                        If your child requested to call you by your first name, would you agree? What steps would you take if you did not agree?
                        Is this a serious question? Calling me by my first name is completely different.

                        Lots of kids call step parents mom and dad. Her psychiatrist seems to think it is great but to appease real dad can call step dad by first name to him. Clearly my 5 year old will be displaying more emotional maturity than her real dad. Anyhoo, thanks for advice all even though we did get a little off topic.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by court View Post
                          Is this a serious question? Calling me by my first name is completely different.

                          Lots of kids call step parents mom and dad. Her psychiatrist seems to think it is great but to appease real dad can call step dad by first name to him. Clearly my 5 year old will be displaying more emotional maturity than her real dad. Anyhoo, thanks for advice all even though we did get a little off topic.
                          If my daughter started to call some other man dad, I'd have a letter to my ex so fast advising her to do all things necessary to cease and desist, it'd make her head spin.

                          It isn't a matter of maturity. It is a matter of fact. So long as dad is in child's life, only they are dad. Other guys are Mark/Jim/Bob or whatever other pet name the kid can think of. If encouraged, it is actually a form of alienation and undermining of the other parent as while there is only one (mom or dad depending on who is encouraging the child) there can be many of the other parent. It makes "dad" (in this instance) less important as there can be many.

                          How would you feel if the child started calling your ex's g/f or wife mom? I bet you wouldn't like it.......

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by court View Post
                            Lots of kids call step parents mom and dad. Her psychiatrist seems to think it is great but to appease real dad can call step dad by first name to him.
                            My son calls my now wife mom, purely out of his own choice. She came into his life when he was 9 years old. I have also seen other children doing the same. It really depends on the relationship the step-parent has with the child. In my case, my wife is fully acting as a real mother so my son feels she deserves the title. He discussed this issue with his bio-mom and she was also fine with that.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              My step-nephew calls my sister mom and his mom, mommy....

                              Everytime I hear him call my sister mom it shoves shivers up my spine and I know his ex hates it...the boy is 9, in counselling and they are having a massive custody battle....

                              Comment

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