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billiechic · #1 07-31-2012, 02:21 PM

My ex started a new job which conflicts with the daycamp schedule. Since he starts his job earlier than the extended care available, I have arranged to meet him at 7am and 5:30 on his days in order to get our daughter to camp. This is his first week of work, so I was unaware of the need for this arrangement, and have a doctors appointment at 4:40. I suggested I pick up our child at 4 (when daycamp ends), take her with me to the appointment, and hopefully I will be back to drop her off to him at 5:30, but I may be late.

He is angry and threatening to call the cops.

Its not like I could foresee this problem. I tried to cancel my appointment, but they said there would be a $60 fee even if I reschedule. I can't leave my 5 year old at camp, they expect someone to pick her up at 4, and I said I would be there when I thought I could cancel my appointment this morning.

Do I call his bluff and go get her? I'm not doing this to stir the pot, but I cant suck up a $60 charge just becasue he is being unreasonable. What if he showed up later than 5:30 to meet me due to an accident or traffic, would I call the cops? absolutely not!

Anyone been in this situation before?

Mess · #2 07-31-2012, 02:33 PM

This is his day with her on the schedule, he is responsible for her care.

He rightly offered you first refusal for childcare/pickup, but you are unable to fill in. If he is unwilling to accomodate your appointment, he therefore should be paying a babysitter to go and pick up the child, notifying the camp of the additional person who is authorized to pick up on that date.

I don't for a second think he is being reasonable, but I think your best recourse is just to say "OK, you have to find a sitter for that day then" and withdraw from the conversation. When I do that with my ex when she is being like that, she ends up calling back and accomodating me. Or very rarely she will call her sister to do it, but I still have ROFR for the future.

On other days you should remind him of right of first refusal. I forget, but I think you have that worked in?

billiechic · #3 07-31-2012, 02:48 PM

no, we dont have it worked in. He is making this all my fault. He refuses to pay the extra money for extended care, and insists that becasue it cost more than what her old daycare costs, that I should have to pay the extra $60 a week. I can afford another 140 a month, especially when my CS is going up by another $150 once he provides a paystub!

Yes, it is his day, but he is just going to make this all my fault. I just dont want to leave my kid there thinking she has been ababndoned. I told her I was coming to get her.

So if I go pick her up, as a responsible parent would do, what is the court going to think of it? Are the cops actually going to come? Am I in trouble because its not "my day"? What if I left her at camp and nobody showed up to get her? isnt that neglect??

Mess · #4 07-31-2012, 02:54 PM

The cops won't charge you, but certainly document your messages to him that you picked up the child as required because there was no extended care. Text would probably be good to show a cop on the spot if your ex is stupid enough to call them.

A court would see that your ex called the cops unnecessarily and you were ensuring that your child wasn't abandoned, or that you weren't charged an arm and a leg by the daycare.

billiechic · #5 07-31-2012, 03:01 PM

ok, then if he doesnt arrange to be there for 4 I will pick her up. He is obviously being unreasonable and creating conflict. And I am just trying to make sure someone gets her!

Tayken · #6 07-31-2012, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mess

The cops won't charge you, but certainly document your messages to him that you picked up the child as required because there was no extended care. Text would probably be good to show a cop on the spot if your ex is stupid enough to call them.

A court would see that your ex called the cops unnecessarily and you were ensuring that your child wasn't abandoned, or that you weren't charged an arm and a leg by the daycare.

And... that the other parent in the matter was unable to make the appropriate child care arrangements in the child's "best interests" potentially. If the other parent does call the police it only further supports the argument you are presenting about the unnecessary conflict the other parent is creating in the matter.

Don't let the other project their problems on to you and make it "all your fault" that they cannot make simple arrangements for child care and by all means don't take their hostility personally. This is a common tactic of highly conflicted people to make these kinds of idol threats to "gain control".

Good Luck!
Tayken

billiechic · #7 07-31-2012, 03:04 PM

thanks Mess and Tayken. His creating conflict is obvious. Who calls the cops because you are late dropping the kid off? Especially when you let them know you are late and give them a heads up!

Tayken · #8 07-31-2012, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by billiechic

thanks Mess and Tayken. His creating conflict is obvious. Who calls the cops because you are late dropping the kid off? Especially when you let them know you are late and give them a heads up!

Answer: A highly conflicted individual. In fact, it is quite a common pattern of behaviour of someone who is this highly conflicted. They will threaten, call the police and serve baseless contempt motions in an attempt to create fear, obligation and guilt in the other parent.

Any opportunity to create conflict, even on minor details like this, they will try to create conflict. They will step on your parenting time, make last minute requests and create unnecessary "emergencies" which they try to "sell" as being "all your fault".

billiechic · #9 07-31-2012, 03:32 PM

yup. I asked to have one of his Sunday's and he gave it to me. Sceduled daughter's 6th birthday party for that day, so that her best friend (my BFs daughter could come). He then took it back, on the same day I had delivered the invitations to all her daycare friends.

So now her best friend cant come to her birthday (bf's ex wont let her come since its on "her" weekend) and I had to take back all of the invites and look like an ass. Even worse, he actually told our daughter he took the time back, knowing that her friend would not be able to come. How do you think my 6 year old feels about that?

My BF and I are both dealing with highly conflicted individuals, and it is pure hell. Wish i could set up our exes, maybe then they would fight each other!

frustratedwithex · #10 07-31-2012, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tayken

Answer: A highly conflicted individual. In fact, it is quite a common pattern of behaviour of someone who is this highly conflicted. They will threaten, call the police and serve baseless contempt motions in an attempt to create fear, obligation and guilt in the other parent.

Any opportunity to create conflict, even on minor details like this, they will try to create conflict. They will step on your parenting time, make last minute requests and create unnecessary "emergencies" which they try to "sell" as being "all your fault".

A person who is high conflict is not thinking about the other person at all, period. They are thinking about themselves. Not how to create fear and guilt in the other parent.

To the high conflict individual, it is all about deflecting responsibility from themselves.

If they were thinking at all about you, the other parent, or the child, this behaviour would not take place in the first place.

So, stop reacting to them as if they were reasonable, they are not. They are going to create conflict every time.

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