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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 05-12-2011, 02:26 PM
Heart-broken dad Heart-broken dad is offline
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Default Books about children's rights, for kids?

One of my children will be turning 12 soon. I'm hesitant in mentioning that what they say / think, about visitations and where they live, is about to go a lot further than it used to when it comes time for a judge to make a decision. Anyone aware of any books / pamphlets out there regarding kid's rights that a child could read and understand?
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Old 05-12-2011, 04:13 PM
Pharah Pharah is offline
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They have education sessions for kids at Toronto Family Services - FIT.
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Old 05-12-2011, 04:56 PM
dinkyface dinkyface is offline
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It's up to you also to judge their maturity level. For some kids, this material/power might be too much to handle.
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Old 05-13-2011, 11:16 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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IMO I think this is a horrible idea and puts the child in the middle.

The child at the age of 12 MAY have their views heard by a judge, but they HAVE NO RIGHT to disobey a court order. If there is an order providing for access/custody etc. then it must be obeyed until it is changed.

Allowing the child to think they have authority to choose in this manner will only confuse the child and not in their best interests.
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:50 PM
Heart-broken dad Heart-broken dad is offline
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I have to make clear that I have NEVER used my children as pawns. The ex however.....

My eldest has confided to me and to the OCL that she wants to spend more time with me, but, doesn't know how to bring it up with her mom. In her own words "I'm afraid to get mom angry". This was over a year ago, and the OCL hasn't acted on it, but has it on file.

I have no intention of having her move in full time, as I live an hour away, and she would have to change schools, meet new friends, etc, etc. and I feel it would be too much for her to handle. But, if she's willing to increase the visits from bimonthly to weekly, I'd be happy.

She's very mature and understands the situation between me and her mom better than most people would think. I'm very apprehensive about bringing up the subject, and giving my ex and her lawyer fodder to bing to court.
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:59 PM
dinkyface dinkyface is offline
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I'm wondering how that extra visit fits in. If it is during the weekend, that implies that your ex would never get a full weekend with your daughter. If during the week, then this is a fair amount of driving after school/before school - though not bad - work commutes are 1 hour each way for many.
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Old 05-13-2011, 02:26 PM
anotherSTEPmother anotherSTEPmother is offline
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I feel that this is going to be an extremely challenging process. Firstly I think it is great you do not want to tear your daughter out of her school and everything. Something I am sure that she will appreciate.

I will say that in our situation the drive was just over an hour on opposite sides of Toronto, which means over 2 hours sometimes in rush hour.

Regardless my stepson who was 5 at the time told the OCL the very same thing, that he wanted to spend more time with dad. However same thing with the distance weeknights for the child and an employed parent is tough.

They settled for my stepson being with my partner the first 3 weekends of each month and him spending the rest with mom. This seems to work good because mom still gets weekends too which I think is important to their relationship too.

This is complicated though because holidays tend to be at the beginning of the month which complicated this more. I have heard a 3 of 4 weekends as well where the non-custodial parents gets 3 in a row then custodial gets one. I think that might be better too.

One thing to expect in the near future is for your 12 year old daughter to want to be spending more of her weekend time with friends. Wait until 14!

That being said my partner and I have spent years trying to figure out how to make this easier on my stepson and have come to the conclusion it is just time to move out to where mom is. This is not for everyone, and a risk as mom in this situation tends to move a lot but what an improvement in quality of life for the child!
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Old 05-13-2011, 04:29 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heart-broken dad View Post
I have to make clear that I have NEVER used my children as pawns. The ex however.....

My eldest has confided to me and to the OCL that she wants to spend more time with me, but, doesn't know how to bring it up with her mom. In her own words "I'm afraid to get mom angry". This was over a year ago, and the OCL hasn't acted on it, but has it on file.

I have no intention of having her move in full time, as I live an hour away, and she would have to change schools, meet new friends, etc, etc. and I feel it would be too much for her to handle. But, if she's willing to increase the visits from bimonthly to weekly, I'd be happy.

She's very mature and understands the situation between me and her mom better than most people would think. I'm very apprehensive about bringing up the subject, and giving my ex and her lawyer fodder to bing to court.
My solution would be for YOU to bring it up with the ex. State that the child has expressed interest to you about spending more time at your residence and are looking to work with her to find a workable solution.

Maybe suggest speaking together at a meeting with a neutral 3rd party (a counsellor for instance), to discuss what can be done that will take into consideration your daughters wishes and ensuring that it isn't anyones intentions for this to bea change in custody.

But I think it is on you to step up and take on the grunt work here. Try and keep your daughter out of it as much as possible, as you are probably going to PO mom and have to take some abuse for the team.
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Old 05-17-2011, 08:32 AM
Heart-broken dad Heart-broken dad is offline
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Thanks for all the replies!

I still feel that not enough if available, as far as litterature, for kids. My first impression of the OCL was that they would represent the children's best interest while staying impartial. Well, I was 1/2 right... They really ARE impartial, but as far as making sure the kids are getting a fair deal? Not happening... The OCL has admitted to me NOT spending enough time with my children. Last year, I didn't hear from the OCL for 6 months, even though I was sending an email once or twice a month, asking for updates.

Does anyone know how much a OCL lawyer typically makes (money wise) compared to their usual fees?
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